L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Garnett — 21 points, 10 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

This is all about what you cannot see in the line.  Peezy went for 36, but he would have been sitting on the bench, getting blown out by the Raptors, if it was not for K.G.  Back at home after an intense win in Detroit, the Ceatles were about as lively as John Lennon and George Harrison during the first half.  The only exception was the Kid, who had his motor running, as usual.  When the rest of his guys still weren’t really into it in the second half, he ratcheted up to that other level, getting everybody going.  He even started pressing Jose Calderon full court, reaching and pointing and clapping and yapping the whole time.  It was a beautiful sight to behold.  Really, can’t they transform his blood into some kind of laptop battery?  Car fuel?  A general high efficiency energy source?  Obama has the solution to the country’s economic, gas, and enviromental problems right under his nose.

Worst Of The Night:

Hey Phoenix, if you are going to pound the ball into Amare and Shaq, maybe you guys should practice the entry pass?  We counted at least 6 failed entry passes in last night’s game against the Grizz.  Gross.  Matt Barnes alone screwed up 3 in a row, at one point!  Overall the Suns are in textbook Bizarro world right now… it’s an odd scene out there in Arizona.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 29 points, 19 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

Ok, Greg.  You’ve officially dodged the murder’s row of centers you were set to face to open the season, and your team, the Blazers, even came out of it with a respectable 4-3 record.  Time to come back an enjoy your overwhelming physical advantage.

Rookie Of The Night:

O.J. Mayo — 33 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

Wow.  Coming out of college, we were not exactly sure what Mr. Mayo was going to give us in the NBA.  After two consecutive 30+ games, now we know (well, maybe we don’t… after all, these performances came against the no D Warriors and the “what the hell are we doing out here, coach?” Suns).  Dude is a natural offensive (more offensive than Ralph Nader, more offensive than Andrew Dice Clay, more offensive than Mike Martz, more offensive than Michael Vick at the Westminster Kennel Club, more offensive than an Eminem concert in the Vatican, more offensive than our earlier Beatles comment) talent, and not afraid to have the ball in his hands.  In fact, if every player in uniform for both the Grizz and the Suns had ganged up on him and physically tried to wrestle the ball away from him last night in the 4th quarter, it might have been mission impossible.  And we’re including Shaq in that.  He literally had the ball in his hands over 90% of the time for the Grizz in the fourth.  He balled out for sure, but we were definitely having visions of early-post-Shaq-liberated Kobe.  Mayo could have capped this performance off with a big time clutch shot, but failed on a long, long gun to tie with a few seconds left.

Overall, Memphis has a whole lot of talent, but almost no clue how to play with each other.  With under two minutes to go, they failed to inbound the ball TWICE IN A ROW!  Come on, guys.

Hakim Warrick to Robin Lopez:  get some, have some, want some!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!… Amare removes the goggles.  Too bad, we kind of liked them… Leandro Barbosa finally suited up last night, dropping 27 points, but still only played 22 minutes… It hurts to see what has become of the Vinsanity of it all.  He looked hapless last night in clutch (2 turnovers in 3 possessions), as D-Wade showed him how it is properly done… How much extra time do K.G., The Truth and Ray Allen have on their hands now that every single media outlet in the universe no longer has to do an obligatory “Big 3″ feature?  More or less than Melo has, now that the braids are gone?…  The obligatory Hawks reference:  Solomon Jones… Gold medalist Nastia Liukin court side, in Pacers jersey, at Pacers game, but actually a Mavericks fan…  FREE ALICIA SACRAMONE!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Devin Harris — 38 points, 5 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

These 38 points against the Pistons included 20-24 from the line!  The question everyone is going to ask… would Chauncey have allowed that?  A.I.’s offense is unquestioned, but he brings a different type of defensive presence than Mr. Big Shot.  Even on O, down the stretch, there were a couple of plays where A.I. made a much different play than Chauncey would have in the same situation, but A.I.’s way worked, too, in those cases.  Losing to the teams like the Nets, though, will not work.  So it still remains to be seen how well he will fit in defensively — and overall — with a franchise that has become synonymous with the word “team” in recent history.

Worst Of The Night:

Have the wheels fallen completely off in D.C.?  The Wiz dropped to 0-4 after a 108-114 loss to the Knicks on Friday. Ever since Agent Zero hurt his knee, they started to develop and identity as a tough, gritty, defensive team, and now, so far this year, they are giving up more points than a great icosahedral 120-cell.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

So this is what he would look like if D-Wade was allowed to play back at Marquette for a few games.  After the Tony Parker injury, San Anton went from a team that traditionally has one of the best D’s in the league, to a team that looks like one of the best D-League teams, in the league.

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 blocks, 1 steal

You know what it is, you know how it is.  The 4 blocks really underscores probably the only under-rated aspect of the King’s game — his D.  And speaking of game… Business LeBron has plenty of it, don’t he?

C.J. Watson — 9 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 torn elbow ligament

Watson took over Nellie’s point guard reins, in place of DeMarcus Nelson, Friday night, and stuffed the stat sheet, but the team took an L to the Grizz.  This could be yet another short-term situation, as Marcus Williams — the most pedigree-ed PG of the 3 — finally made his Warriors debut and may have this spot on lock soon.

Jason Kidd — 22 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

A near-triple-double list this long would only be complete with the master.  Uh… what were we saying about Billups’ D?

Juan Dixon made a surprising run at this section last night, too, but amazingly came up short in the points column with only 5 — rarely seen.

Moment Of Reflection Of The Night:

The scene:  Carmelo Anthony, fresh off a victory over the Dallas Mavericks, in Chauncey Billups’ (a legit point guard) debut, wanders Denver’s 16th Street Mall, with a mindless grin wide across his face, mumbling:

“And I wonder, if you know, what it means…. to find your dreams… And I’m back on my grind… a psychic read my lifeline… Told me in my lifetime… My name would help light up the Denver skyline.. and that’s why I’m… 7 o’clock that’s prime time… Coach Karl watch, imploring me from the sidelines… he always give me playing time…I’m a star, how could I not shine?…Now Chauncey Billups in the house… Chauncey Billups in the house without a doubt… Something with this deal got me thinking it’s for real… I gotta point!… We got a Black presideeeeeeent… Trade it for nothing, not even a MVP and some riiiiiiiiiiiiings… You ever wonder what it all really mean?… You ever wonder if you’ll ever find your dreams?”

Team Dime Of The Night:

Mike Bibby — 19 points, 12 assists, 3 boards,

Apparently Bibby is not intimidated by all those mean mugs Jose Calderon offers up during games.  Apparently the rest of the league should be intimidated by — GASP — the best team in the East, your Atlanta Hawks!  They stomped the life out of the Raptors last night (come on fellas, make a run!) despite losing J-Smoove early on to a high ankle sprain.  The ATLiens might even be able to keep this type of play up without their star, considering their bench has been a strength so far this season.  Smith may decide he has achieved it all and just retire, anyway.  Right before he got hurt, he put down a sick alley oop and received a perfect 10 on the vaunted Dominique “Dunk-O-Meter”.  Really, what more is there?

Shaq sits out vs. the Bulls in the first game of a back-to-back situation, and with that 6 and 5 line, looks like Steve Nash basically sat out, too… George Hill at least showed the physical attributes to explain his selection by the Spurs in the 1st round… This just in — the Jazz are good at home… Brad Miller back on the scene, drops a double-double on Al Jefferson’s head, Kings win…  Come on.  Rudy Gay.  That dude is sick.  Nastaculous.  We once called him the next Tim Thomas.  Public apology…  FREE RUSSELL WESTBROOK!… Sorry, K-Mart, but we’re not feeling the lip print tattoo behind your ear.  It’s not even because it’s red lips.  It makes us feel like we have an itch behind our ear… OMG, Brandon Bass, says the Birdman…

As seen on SLAMOnline.

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 55 points, 10 assists, 7 boards

Get your shine on, get your shine on, all day long, Tony, get your shine on!  Possibly because he’s not a “pure” point and because he has two star teammates in Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili, the French Pastry is left out of the “best point guard in the game” arguments, time after time after time.  But guess what — your boy does in fact play point guard, regardless of his pureness, he has won three chips, and now, with this double-nickel performance, joined a club which previously only had two members — Michael Jordan and Oscar Robertson.  Come on ya’ll, he’s in the conversation.  Just ask Randy Foye and Corey Brewer, two guys that will probably get a little sick to their stomach at even the sight of a croissant, in the future.

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 49 points, 11 boards, 6 assists, 5 steals, 2 blocks

LeBron James — 41 points, 9 boards, 6 assists, 4 steals

Sorry guys.  It was looking good early, for one of you, then “Minnesota finds a million ways not to close out the Spurs” happened.  Double OT = double-nickel.

Worst Of The Night:

This is not a good sign for the Charlotte Larry Brown Era:

“Jared! Jared!” Brown yelled down the bench, looking for forward Jared Dudley.  “He’s in the game,” one player called back.

No further comment necessary.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

New Orleans, 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Did we mention this was in New Orleans?  That’s a nice road win, Atlanta.  Looks like Dem Georgia Boys did not get complacent after their playoff run-in with the Ceatles last season and are bringing the D this year.  They have yet to give up more than 90 points in a game, and are now undefeated at 3-0.  Could this be your Southeast Division title winners?

Thanks, But I’ll Keep My Job Of The Night:

Luke Ridnour — 20 points, 11 assists, 7 boards, 2 steals

Right after we called for his job, Ridnour shows us why it is in fact, his job, in a 112-104 OT win over Washington.  His P-N-C Ramon Sessions had a 22/8 night, as well, so maybe Washington needs to work on that perimeter defender?  Stopping the ball is usually a good idea.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

During the 4th quarter of the Denver/G-State game, Andris Biedrins dribbled the ball near center court.  He found Captain Jack at the high post, then received the ball back on the ol’ give-and-go, guarded by Nene.  He somehow made a quick dash back into the Oracle’s kitchen, then BAAAAAM!!!!  “HAVE SOME OF THESE LATVIAN BACON CREPES, NENE!!!!!!  Do they have those in Brazil, playa?”

Nene made quick work of his meal, then kindly left a tip — the and-1 foul.

D-Wade was 2 blocks away from 5×5 glory… Kelenna Azubuike had a ridic block on a Dahntay Jones dunk attempt.  Dude never did like breakfast… MJ and Ahmad courtside together in the Garden?  We know somebody has a punch line for that…  How is it humanly possible, in a Mike D’Antoni offense, for a guy to score 24 points on 9-12 shooting in the 1st half of a game, and then take 0 shots in the second half?  Nate Robinson pulled it off, last night, somehow… Another terrible game for the Clip Joint.  They drop to 0-5 after succumbing to a late 22-0 run by the Lakers…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

Line Of The Night:

Gerald Wallace — 34 points, 9 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 2 steals

Nice line for Wallace, as he led the Bobcats to a win in their home opener against the Miami Heat, who, by the way, may be the early candidate for worst defensive team in the league.  You know your D is bad when Wallace’s normally scary J turns wet.  However, what may be even more foreboding, is the Brown Ultimatum brewing in the Queen City.  Larry Brown.  Shannon Brown.  Andre Brown.  MJ’s camel brown blazer.  Beware.

Worst Of The Night:

Jamal Crawford — 4 assists, 1 point on 0-6 shooting

Oh no.

Beast Of The Night:

Drew Gooden — 20 boards, 7 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

And you thought we were talking about the baldy/sideburns/upside down fire flames beard look!  The truly special aspect of this Grizzlies/Bulls game was Derrick Rose, though.  Kid is ridic.  It’s about to be a unanimous R.O.Y. situation.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

OKC, 77 points, Saturday vs. Houston

So we lied.  We have now DVRed and watched at least portions of two OKC games, and that definitely refutes bottom 4 League Pass status.  The fact is, the Kevin Durant intrigue is still there.  Games like this won’t help though, and hearing the name “Thunder” is still annoying.  Cornball.  However, on Sunday against the T-Wolves, when they secured their first franchise win, Durant may have discovered a true P-N-C, in Russell Westbrook.  That does help.

Boston Celtics, 79 points, Saturday vs. Inidana

Ah, yes.  Now we start to see the anticipated championship hangover.  This is perhaps an early sign that the Ceatles will not be the same regular season juggernaut of last year.  Not saying they won’t be there when it matters this spring, but that #1 seed may be worth gunning for by the East’s common folk.

Clip Joint, 79 points, Saturday vs. Utah

Ugh.  As if to immediately prove all the cynics right, B-Diddy and Marcus Camby are already missing games and the Clippers are a mess.  Please fellas, L.A. needs a hoops alternative.  Ralph Lawler deserves better.

6th Man Of The Night:

James Posey — 15 points, 6 boards, 4 steals, 2 assists

That’s why they signed him.  In one of the first “Finals Preview” type games of the season, the Hornets took down the Cavs 104-92, on Saturday.  The Hornets stars were major, but it was the Posey Show in the 4th quarter, as he hit clutch shots and helped limit Bron to 15 points on 40% shooting.  His march to Robert Horry status has begun.

Marbury in G-State?  Let’s make it happen.  Crazy loves crazy… Speaking of crazy, Mike Beasley loves the jumpshot.  Is he the modern Glenn Robinson?… Oh, and speaking of crazy, when Shawn Marion left Phoenix, did he steal the souls of Raja Bell and Leandro Barbosa?  Or are those guys the basketball equivalent of the Steve Spurrier-coached Florida QBs of the 90s — good in a specific system but straight pedestrian outside of it?…  Maybe we’re crazy, but what more does Ramon Sessions have to do to beat out Luke Ridnour for the starting job?… The Nets organization is definitely not crazy for re-uniting the Czar and Marv on their local telecasts… And back to crazy. Coach Adelman, sir, Yao and McGrady are still in the game with under 2 minutes and a double-digit lead and no sign of life from the Thunder?  My leg, my back, my leg and my back…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 27 points, 4 steals, 2 boards, 2 assists

After starring in the pre-Olympic warm-up games, D-Wade had not had the same impact in the official competition.  But with gold at this fingertips, he was locked in from the moment he subbed in, clearly proving Miami could throw him in the 6th man role next year if they are in need of some extra hardware.  His D resulted in a bunch of breakaways throughout the game, and he had the outside shot working, making him unguardable.  Then in the fourth,  lost in the Doug Collins/Kobe Bryant lovefest, Wade put perhaps the final nail in the coffin, hitting a three to give Team USA a 111-104 lead with 2:08 remaining.  Bob Marley.

Worst Of The Night:

Hey Kobe… NEVER FOUL THE 3-POINT SHOOTER (1st quarter, 6:30)!

Hey Rudy… NEVER FOUL THE 3-POINT SHOOTER (4th quarter, 3:10)!  Especially if it leads to such an annoying celebration from the Kobster.  Any more replays of him putting his finger to his lips or of Coach K in general, and the L.O.N. offices would have been re-painted Spanish red and yellow with “La Marcha Real” playing in the background.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

After spotting noted breakfast chef Rudy Fernandez on the perimeter, mid-way through the fourth quarter, The Kobster decided it was time to reward all of teammate Dwight Howard’s hard work with a complimentary breakfast, so he gambled and missed on a steal attempt.  Rudy took it baseline and BOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST DWIGHT!!!!!!!  MAGDALENA AND CHURRO SPECIALS ALL DAY!

The Spanish J.R. Smith Of The Night:

Rudy Fernandez — 22 points, 2 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal, 1 breakfast served, 1 fade away three-pointer over on of the best individual defenders in the world (Prince)

The gold medal game was Rudy’s coming out party for real… except for the fact it happened in the middle of the night and maybe no one saw it.  He did all of his damage in only 17 minutes, creating highlight after highlight while keeping his team in the game.  And honestly, have you ever seen him, Rex Chapman and J.R. Smith in the same room at the same time?  Didn’t think so.

What Could Have Been Of The Night:

Argentina — 1 bronze medal

Carlos Delfino (and his eyeliner) dropped 20 on Lithuania to bring home a disappointing bronze medal for the Manu-less Argentinians.  After seeing the difficulty Spain gave Team USA, Manu’s ankle injury just minutes into the semi-final game is only underscored further as a pivotal moment.  What if he plays that whole game?  What if Jose Calderon is available for the final?  What if Pac decided to skip that weekend in Vegas?  We will never know.

Formal Apology Of The Night:

Juan Carlos Navarro — 18 points, 4 assists, 3 boards

After witnessing Mr. Navarro step up and ball out in Jose Calderon’s absence, L.O.N. would like to formally apologize to Mr. Navarro, his family, and his friends.  He never quite made it fully onto our radar this past NBA season, and as a result, we never launched an official “Free Juan Carlos Navarro” campaign, and now we’ve lost his talent to the either of Euroleague.  While it is definitely too little too late… FREE JUAN CARLOS NAVARRO!!!!  Now that he is battling Andre Barrett for playing time, maybe the campaign IS still necessary.

Olympics Hangover Of The Night:

During any other off-season, LeBron James would be celebrating the acquisition of point guard Mo Williams by the Cleveland Cavs management right about now.  After all, going from Delonte West, Boobie Gibson, Eric Snow and Damon Jones to Mo is a nice little upgrade, right?.  However, LeBron has been sharing the court with a bit of a different point guard crowd lately, and it will be an adjustment.  Sorry, Mo.

Double R Of The Night:

Ricky Rubio — 6 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals

It has been a while since the Ruff Ryders had the streets on lock, but Ricky might be able to provide the Dean fam once last shot at glory.  Think of the marketing opportunities!  The And-1 Double R Edition, featuring Rubio highlights over Ruff Ryder tracks?  Europe would be a wrap.  They already have the start of a legit mix from the gold medal game alone, with the sick fast break no look to Pau and the Jason Kidd double-serve up — once on the perimeter and once on a break in which Ricky took on Kidd and LeBron.  And if we have to stomach the Euro killing the dollar, then they should have to deal with Drag-On and Eve.

Seriously though, while his deficiencies (fatigue, a milli deflected passes) showed as the game went on, let the L.O.N. co-signed Rubio for #1 campaign begin.

It was great to watch basketball without all of the constant commercials/timeout breaks/tv network crap the NBA forces on us.  Too bad we still had to deal with Mike Breen’s opinions… The Etching Strikes Back:  LeBron James’ “Gold Medal” shoe features Nike’s version of the plague… Spain’s turnovers must have been killing Jose Calderon on the bench.  He was in uniform, too, so you know he wanted to sneak out there…  At one point Tayshaun Prince faked a pass then hit a lay-up, showing more flash in that single play then he has in his entire NBA career.  And of course, Olympics replay highlights are pretty much non-existent, so it basically never happened!…  David Stern had a long day/night/something before this game.  He was in the crowd looking rough… And who was next to him in the purple shades?  Some sort of futuristic, secret service, alien?  Wild…  Navarro:  Spanish for “floater”…  Carlos:  Spanish for “runner”… Juan:  Spanish for “tear-drop”…  Really, Jason?…  Melo getting his Mateen Cleaves on was comedy.  You could probably catch him sleeping on the bench in Denver…

Forget the Olympics… forget perhaps the most-watched single game in international history… the NBA on NBC music is back!  Hot ish!

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 19 points, 2 assists, 2 steals

That’s 19 points on 100% shooting.  100%!  D-Wade follows up his star turn in the Olympic warm-ups with another brilliant performance, shooting a perfect 7-7 from the field and 5-5 from the free throw line.

Worst Of The Night:

The global domination of Nike’s laser etching.  It started out innocently enough, used in shoe designs for Kobe and LeBron, a few years back.  Eventually it even spread to the highest profile of Nike lines — Jordans.  Now?  Both Team USA and Team China featured the etching on their uniforms and warm-ups!  ENOUGH.  Dead it.

Star Of The Night:

LeBron James — 18 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

We gave D-Wade and his cleanly shaved dome the L.O.N.nie, but the highlight reels for the game were supplied by LeBron.  This entire experience is looking like the coronation of King James as King Of The Basketball World, and he showed why in the team’s first game.  A TWO-HANDED BLOCK/CATCH?  A couple more spectacular blocks… alley-oop after alley-oop… LeBron is the face of the so-called Redeem Team and is anxious to eliminate “LeBronze” from his nickname portfolio.

Hometown Hero Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 13 points, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 1 assist

Yao Ming has the weight of billions on his shoulders, serving as the China’s face of these Olympic games.  He served as the flag-bearer during the Opening Ceremonies (off the chain, by the way) and provided one of the enduring moments of the entire Games, as he walked in with a little 9 year-old (making Yao look cartoonishly tall) that survived the recent tragic Sichuan Earthquake, saving two of his classmates in the process.  He’s the most famous athlete in the country leading an under-manned team in what may be the most popular sport in the country.  On top of that, he is fresh off a stress fractured foot that put his Olympics appearance in doubt.

And what?  Yao did not have a great statistical game against the U.S., but he and his mates put up a decent fight, and delighted the electric home crowd.  He came out of the gate firing, nailing a three, and attempting a Globetrotter-ish two-handed, over-the-head, no-look pass, early.  Yao was clearly fired up, showing perhaps more emotion than he has in his entire NBA career to date.  He stayed emotionally involved throughout, celebrating and supporting his teammates even as his country trailed big.  We praise him here, but he would tell you he is only performing his expected duty.

Presidential Ish, George Bush Of The Night:

In tune with his desire to take full advantage of all Presidential perks, G-Dub has been everywhere at the Olympics, including Team USA’s opening match-up against Team China.  He was seen in the hallway as part of the team huddle, looking clearly uncomfortable and out of his element, and then in the stands getting an Omega-1 Death Stare from First Lady Laura Bush.  His forte seems to be his rapport with any and all female athletes (tips from the preceding President, perhaps?).  He participated in a little beach volleyball with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, and then got a big kick out of waving to the women’s hoops squad.  World leadership at work.

Gold Medal In Advertising Of The Night:

The ad execs have brought their gold medal game to the Olympics so far and the basketball-specific ads have been especially top-notch.  Nike is airing a spot combining a couple classics that hope to an inspire a new classic.  In 1983, Marvin Gaye performed what is widely regarded as the greatest rendition of the Star Spangled Banner ever.  Clips of this performance are combined with shots of the USA basketball preparing for their gold medal run, and the iconic “Just Do It” tagline is shown at the end — great.

Coke came up with a concept centered around arguably the two largest figures in the game — Yao Ming and LeBron James.  They enter an arena as adversaries, attempting to one-up each other with national flavor after national flavor, before finally realizing that a common ground — sweet and delicious Coke — can bring them together.  Gold medals all-around.

Doug Collins saying slippage over-and-over again makes us uncomfortable… Who invited Craig Sager, and who let him wear “normal” clothes?… Thanks for another screw-up Time Warner.  The Los Angeles-area Time Warner service does NOT feature the NBC Basketball Channel which is airing EVERY Olympic basketball game.  Thanks again… Meeelllloooo not even close to his goal of 10 boards, only bringing down 4…. Deron Williams looking like Common during the Opening Ceremonies, with the beard and the hat… Tayshaun looked truly amazed walking into the Bird’s Nest… Manu looked 10 years younger during the O.C., and then 10 years OLDER after Argentina lost it’s first game in a battle vs. Lithuania…

We’ve moved offices… we’ve relished in the Ceatles’ victory and the Lakers’ downfall… we’ve made excuses… we’ve procrastinated… but we are back like cooked crack, word to Juelz.   L-O-N, baaaaaa-by (said Weezy-style, like “Young mooooo-la, baby!”)!.

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — #1 overall pick to his hometown squad, the Chicago Bulls.

“And the streets say Derrick can’t go back home,
You know when I heard that? When I was back home“

A blessing, or a curse?  Rose lived the ultimate dream when he walked across that stage to shake David Stern’s hand, joining the Bulls.  Now he has the pressure of a sports-crazed town and the legacy of You Know Who to live up to.  One thing is for sure — he is going to need to introduce non-candy items into his diet.

Worst Of The Night:

And with the #8 pick in the 2008 draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select… Joe Alexander.  Honestly?  Word all week had the Bucks infatuated with the workout wonder, but after the trade for Richard Jefferson, and an apparent movement towards winning now, this pick seems terrible.  Not only is Alexander probably not ready to contribute right away, but talented big man Brook Lopez was still on the board, and you can never have enough skilled big men.  This pick has bust written all over it, unless management’s goal was to secure a guaranteed halftime entertainment for all of their home game, because now they can trot out Alexander and Desmond Mason for a 1-on-1 dunk contest every night.

Honorable Mention Worst Of The Night:

The ESPN broadcast.  ESPN may not have added 1 single good thing to the draft, in their broadcast.  The only good parts were the actual events and anything the draftees brought to the table.  Stuart Scott was horrible.  He was at his corniest and kept repeating information in close succession.  Those chairs in which Stephen A. conducted his interviews were huge — so big that pro ballers did not look right in them.  And they had to be uncomfortable.  They were probably perfect to get a good shoe shine, though.  Jeff Van Gundy, whom we loved during the Playoffs, may have not watched a single college basketball game in this century… and maybe even last.  That does not lead to informed opinions.  Mark Jackson is trying too hard to get a job with an NBA organization, so his performance was best described as vanilla (although he did appear in the L.O.N. C.E.O.’s dream later that night, serving up caffeinated hypeness from a giant espresso machine).  Scarily, despite being unintentional, Dookie Jay Bilas provided the most entertainment of the night.  The Bilas-Length-O-Meter was off the charts.  This man knows length!  It’s practically the only attribute he talked about during the broadcast.  He even managed to extol the length of “listed at 6′0″ point guard and 2nd round pick Sean Singletary!  Amazing.

But come one Worldwide Leader… to quote one of your analysts, you’re better than that!

Best Dressed Of The Night:

D.J. Augustin.  Weird pick, great suit.  The Charlotte Hornets, in desperate need of a center, passed on Brook Lopez to pick… a point guard.  Hey Mike, hey Larry… ever heard of fellow Carolina guy, Ray Felton?  You know, former lottery pick and your current starting point guard?  Interesting.  Then they follow this pick up with Alexis “PROJECT” Ajinca?  Hmmm… a draft inspired by, or maybe even run by, Arsenio Hall?

Worst Dressed Of The Night:

Eric Gordon.  When we first saw him, we were not sure if we were supposed to start ordering drinks, ask if we needed a reservation, or maybe hand him our car keys?  Ebony and ivory were not living together in perfect harmony with this ensemble.  Honorable mention goes to O.J. Mayo who went extra, extra on every single accessory.  Excessive attention to detail is good for your J and D, but not so good with the wardrobe.  Check Jerryd Bayless for more info on whole to pull off the all white/cream look.

Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Of The Night:

And with the 23rd pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Utah Jazz select… Kosta Koufos!

Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Part II Of The Night:

Robin Lopez stars in… The Hat.

The Lopez Twins take goofy to a whole ‘nother level, but they have the potential to be the best NBA twins ever.  Each twin needs the other’s balling attributes in order to complete their own repertoire, so a genetically engineered super twin would have it all.  But if one twin can do it, logic would say so can the other, right?  Meanwhile, on some real yin and yang type ish, Robin steps into a great — desirable location, playoff team — in Phoenix, while Brook joins the Dirty Jerse “Patiently Waiting For LeBron” Nets.  Philosophize on that, son.  And by the way, Brook, you thought dropping in the draft was worth crying over?  Well, welcome to New Jersey.

Booed Off The Stage At The Apollo Of The Night:

So wack.  Give it up, Shan.

IrrelevantBeef.com Of The Night:

Soulja Boy vs. Ice T… STOP!  Sure, Soulja Boy was a phenomenon.  He swept the nation.  The L.O.N. employees even stopped work one day to nail every step.  But has he done anything since, really?  Will he do anything?  Maybe, maybe not, but for now his 15 minutes are up.  Ice T… who?  He’s been irrelevant for possibly 15 years.  We all lose in this beef.

Revolutionary Squad Inductee Of The Night:

J.R. Smith, welcome to the club, you are now officially a L.O.N. Revolutionary.  Go, young man, and spread the gospel from court to court.  Our monthly column best describes the reasoning behind his induction:

‘He is the living, breathing result of a video game “Create A Player” experiment gone awry. He’s the next evolution of the Ricky Davis/J.R. Rider prototype, even sharing the latter’s name. Bred from birth to conquer every pre-Sunday All-Star Weekend activity (including partying!). On or off the court, none of his moments are highlights, because all of his moments are highlights. Playas and playettes, it’s J.R. Smith - basketball debauchery in the flesh.’

2nd Round Steals Of The Night AKA Next Gilbert Arenas Of The Night:

Watch out for these cats.  There could be a few teams with regrets in a few years

DeAndre Jordan, The Clip Joint — Sure he underachieved, but this guy was projected top 5 at one point.  Letting him fall to 35th may have been a little extreme.  Although, it may be a positive that he does not have that guaranteed moolah.  Young moolah.

Chris Douglas-Roberts, Dirty Jerse — Two words:  All-American.  6 More Words:  Hopefully not the next Ron Mercer.

Bill Walker, Boston Ceatles — Sick potential an athleticism, but will the knees hold up?  Obviously, he’s stepping into a great situation where he can continue to develop slowly.

Trade Of The Night:

Milwaukee gets:

Richard Jefferson… or is it Jeff Richardson?

Dirty Jerse gets:

Yi Jianlian
Bobby Simmons

Richard Jefferson is shipped to Siberia (although Milwaukee should be fairly competitive now, so we think he’ll come around, eventually) and Brick City throws up a neon “LeBron, ETA: 2010″ sign.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

Indiana gets:

Jarrett Jack
Brandon Rush
Josh “I’m Just A Contract” McRoberts

Portland gets:

Jerryd Bayless
Ike Diogu

Diogu?  What’s the story?  Everybody wants him, until they get him… meanwhile, Portland trades an established combo guard/non-pure point (Jack) for young combo guard/non-pure point with potential — a little strange.  In a foxhole, give us Jarrett Jack any time.  We ride together, son.

Trade Part III Of The Night:

Indiana gets:

T.J. Ford
Rasho Nesterovic
Roy Hibbert

Toronto gets:

Jermaine O’Neal
Maceo Baston

Does O’Neal’s leg function?  Did Toronto just trade something for nothing?  We may be in the minority, but we’ll take T.J. Ford over Jose Calderon any run of the week.  Ford is a baller.  He can take over a game.  But we will admit his neck is right there in the same category as O’Neal’s knee.

Trade Part IV Of The Night:

Memphis gets:

O.J. Mayo
Greg Buckner
Marko Jaric (and Adriana Lima)
Antoine Walker

Minnesota gets:

Kevin Love
Mike Miller
Brian Cardinal
Jason Collins

Kevin McHale’s man-crush ruins the second coming of Elvis.  And we say an Employee No. 8 buy-out on the horizon.  If the Ceatles challenge again next year, can they give him a spot on the roster?  Hot.

Trade Part V Of The Night:

Just kidding.   There were about 498 more trades, but they all involved Darrell Arthur so no need to comment further.

The L.O.N. C.E.O. defeats the Resident Councilman for at least the 6th straight year in the annual Pick The Draft Challenge…  Official NBA Celtic towels…  Joey Dorsey ahead of Chris Douglas-Roberts?  Is this hyphenated name discrimination?… The Pac-10 was on some Dirty South, hit-after-hit-after-hit type ish, with 6 out of the first 15 picks… Incessant.  Draft.  Analysis…  If you weren’t clear, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys.  Got it?  By the way, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys…