L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 36 points, 3 boards, 1 assist

Johnson led the Hawks to yet another win over the C’s last night, making it 3 on the year.  Although it is worth noting Boston has been far from full strength for the last two of those.  Also, while Johnson had the most points, and the better overall game, J-Creezy made several key plays down the stretch.  Hopefully those two can continue to coexist peacefully, as they form a lethal clutch combo.

Worst Of The Night:

Your day yesterday, if you are a Milwaukee Bucks fan.

First you find out Michael Redd is out for the year with a 2nd ACL tear in as many years.  Damn.  Guess it’s Brandon Jennings or bust, on the offensive side of things, now?  And once you get done feeling bad for Redd, you cannot feel good about that $18 milli he’s owed next year.  Then, just before game time, Scott Skiles had to go to the hospital with an irregular heartbeat.  Guess he was worried a little about that offense, as well.

And Detroit, we see you.  Milwaukee stole your lowlight today, but you probably will not get away with another one.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

LeBron James — 37 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 4 blocks, 2 steals

That’s two “nears” in a row for Bron-Bron, but this one has the G-State asterisk, of course.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

If you have ever wondered exactly what sled dogs eat before the Iditarod, now you might be able to get your answer from none other than Udonis Haslem.  Last night Carlos “Iditarod” Boozer came down the lane on a fast break, throw a little pass fake to his right, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!  HAVE SOME ALASKAN HUSKY HOTCAKES!  AND WASH THAT DOWN WITH SOME MALAMUTE MUSH!  Watch out though, Mr. Haslem might be a little salty when you ask him about this topic.

NBA Not-So-Fit Of The Night:

Rasheed Wallace — Out for about a week with a foot injury.

Guess he wasn’t ready to play those big minutes, huh?  Geez, ‘Sheed, we shower you with some praise and then you do this to us.  With ‘Sheed and KG out, it’s now all about one man, and one many only:  BIG BAAAAAAAAAABY!!!!!

Twin Towers Of The Night:

Al Jefferson — 22 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Kevin Love — 20 points, 14 boards, 2 assists

For this game only — a loss to the Nuggets — these numbers really mean nothing.  But in the grander scheme of things, seems like these ‘Wolves have something nice going on down low (word to J-Lo).  And now there are rumors these guys cannot play together and one or both may be on the trading block?  Wow, that better just be a rumor.  These guys have barely even played together!  Give them a chance!  Unless there is something going on behind the scenes to which we are not privy, seems ridiculous that either of these guys names would be mentioned in those clandestine GM phone calls.

The Raptors lost to the hapless Pacers, but Andrea Bargnani with 17 boards?  That is encouraging… A.J. Price — GUNNER… Corey Maggette is still a FT beast in obscurity out in G-State.  Last night — 17-18 from the stripe… Randolph Morris doing the Tony Yayo/Tim Thomas from the Hawks’ bench is hilarious… Defend and rebound, defend protect the paint… And one more time for posterity’s sake — BIG BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Paul Peezy — 19 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

It was Peezy’s turn to put in a Rondo-esque all-around game, and the resulting win may prove to be the turning point of the series.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points on 10 shots

Well, at least Doug Collins must have been a little happy as he averaged more than a point a shot — the holy grail of stats for Collins.  Maybe the Magic can still rally, but their post-game comments had the feel of a team that had it’s heart torn it out.  Rashard Lewis essentially calling his teammates stupid, and then Dwight Howard was damn near Jamie Foxx on the mic, singing:  “Blame it on Dwight, blame it on the Skip, blame it on the Va-a-a-an Gun-dy.”

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 78 points vs. the Lake Show

And a 40-point shot to the dome, kid.  The Lakers arguably came out of this game looking worse than the Rockets, though.  This is, um, fairly solid proof that Game 4 was a complete and utter “mail it in” situation for the Kobettes.

6th Man Of The Night:

Starbury — 12 points, 2 assists

A rose by any other name… would smell sweeter?  Same output as Howard, and yet we are praising him?  Bottom line, Celtics go the Disney World facing an elimination game and everybody over in the Magic locker room is whistling Dixie if Starbury doesn’t keep the C’s in the game, early in the 4th quarter.  So maybe Howard should have been singing, “Blame it on the he-e-e-e-e-ead tattoo.”

James White with a little Playoff run, and it was not pretty.  0-6!!!!!!… Danny Granger wins Most Improved Player… Charles Barkley in that space helmet over the weekend was priceless… Mr. Cuban — the apology was most likely well-intentioned — although we can’t lie, it smacked of, “well shucks, I guess I really have to do this now, even though I’m not feelin’ it” — but do you really have to continue to twist the knife with the repeated “when the series comes back to Dallas” jabs?  We love you, man, but this ain’t you…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Last night’s game was a nightmare for Lakers-haters far and wide.  Mr. Cryant balled out (wow… the “throw it off the board to myself” play?), made his annoying celebratory faces and obnoxiously told Shane Battier about it throughout the entire affair.  He elbowed Ron Artest in the throat, only to have Artest get called for the foul and eventually get ejected.  Then public enemy number two or three — Derek Fisher — committed a crazily dirty foul on Luis Scola.  The only thing that could have made it worse for Anti-Laker Nation would have been Sasha Vujacic doing anything worthwhile on the court, and therefore getting more face time.

Lakers took this one down, but in our opinion, the Chuckster summed up the rest of this series best, when he asked, “Can Kobe do this 3 more times?”  ‘Cause that might be what it takes.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points, 12 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks

That ain’t Superman, that ain’t Defensive Player Of The Year, that ain’t nothing.  Maybe Underdog?  Hancock?  Handi-Man?  Tiny Avenger?  Head Detective?  That last one definitely made no sense but a Head Detective reference cannot be denied.  And Head Detective would’ve had at least 2 blocks.

Larry Bird Of The Night AKA Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 18 assists, 15 points, 11 boards, 2 assists

We tried to tell ya’ll on the last joint that Rondo woke up mid-way through last game.  Ya’ll don’t even gotta go to summer school!  Just pick up that L.O.N. double thread post.  It’ll be all the wisdom you need.

Artestism Of The Night:

Ron Artest has been killing the post-game interviews in the Playoffs, and last night was no different:

“I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that.  I remember one time it was one of my friends he was playing basketball, they was running a game.  It was so competitive they broke a piece of leg from a table and then threw it.  It went right through his heart and he died, right on the court.  So I’m accustomed to playing basketball really rough.”

Rough?  You think?  Were you playing with vampires, Ron?  Was Buffy running point?  Blade puttin’ up triple-doubles from the 3-spot?  Count Chocula with a mean post-game?

Unexpected Double-Double Of The Night:

Carl Landry — 21 points, 10 boards

Nice, but not quite enough to make up for Yao only playing 26 minutes due to foul trouble.  And why can’t Kenny Smith pronounce your name?  Blame it on Ky-y-y-y-y-le Low-ow-ry (word to Jamie Foxx).  He can’t help creating some kind of new amalgamation of Lowrandry every single time.

6th Man Of The Night:

Eddie House — 31 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Most of this round’s 6th Man shine is on the battle between Jason Terry and J.R. Smith over in the Dallas/Denver series, but last night the spotlight was clearly on House.  Above and beyond his scoring output, his greatest contribution may have been getting under Rafer Alston’s skin enough to draw a head slap which looked like a very suspendable offense.  That leads to one question… will we get a Tyronn “The A.I. Stopper” Lue, appearance in Game 3?  Will he become the “Eddie House Stopper”?

The Rockets are viewed as the tough, agitators, but is it Kobe that is getting under their skin?  Ron-Ron spent a lot of time talking about him post-game, which could also just be a way to draw the refs’ attention to Kobe’s tactics.  One thing is for sure, after reviewing the tape, Kobe should not be suspended, as last night’s elbow was not as vicious joints on Manu, MIke Miller, etc… L.O.N. office playoff sub-plot — with the Nuggets now an “out of nowhere” title contender, two prop bets are in play.  1)  Total career titles by LeBron (The Tech Guy) vs. Melo (C.E.O.) and 2) Total career titles by Darko (The Unpaid Intern, not including Darko’s rookie title) vs. Melo (C.E.O.).  Yes, the Intern took Darko… F.B.I. arrests 37-year-old Cristal Taylor (she of 8 aliases) at the home of Dirk Nowitzki, on a theft charge and a probation violation.  What?  Is Dirk getting Anne Hathaway-ed?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 7 assists, 5 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that is the Playoff D-Wade everyone expected.  But if hitting a million 3’s and getting Retro J.O. is what it takes for the Heat to win a game, they might be in trouble for the rest of this series.

Worst Of The Night:

Flip Murray — 4-15 for 15 points

This is not necessarily a criticism of Flip.  What we are confused about is Marvin Williams only getting 19 minutes while Flip struggles.  FREE MARVIN WILLIAMS!!!  And where’s Joe Johnson?  Did he and Marvin get put in the cage with Spirit the Hawk?

Rookie Of The Night:

Courtney Lee — 24 points, 3 boards, 3 steals, 1 assist

A career-high in your first “must win” Playoff game?  Baller.  After Derrick Rose struggled just a little in his 2nd game, it could be argued that Lee is now on top of the P.R.O.Y. standings.  However, the Magic may need even more out of young fella if they want to take this series.  Despite what may look like a comfortable margin of victory, they probably got a little lucky in this one.  They still did not look all that great, and if Philly had any type of 4th scorer (only 3 guys had more than 5 points), the Magic might be in a big hole.  Dwight Howard only 4-6 for 11 points?  Hmmm.

We May Have A Challenger Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups — 31 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

After a second consecutive dominating performance by the Chauncey-led Nuggets, have we found our Western Conference challenger to the Lakers?  As the Playoffs unfold, the Lake Show’s path is looking considerably tougher.

Thanks For The Memories Of The Night:

We love you Dik.  Dikembe Mutombo’s distinguished NBA career came to an end during Game 2 of the Houston/Portland series on Wednesday, and he will be missed.  Everyone is coming out with their favorite Dik stories and memories and here are a few of ours: one Christmas he sang various Christmas carols with a Santa hat on for the network broadcasting the Christmas Day games… the iconic image of him laying on ground clutching the ball after a first round playoff upset way back in his Denver days… the unmatched humanitarian work…

While we know he’ll have better stuff to do to keep himself busy, we would love it if he were given an honorary bench spot/cheerleader role for one Playoff team each year.

Orange plastic shirt court-side in A-T-L… With Josh Smith’s shove-down of Jamaal Magloire and the general chippiness in the Denver/N’Awlins series, we are getting closer and closer to our first automatic 1-game “leaving the bench” suspension of the ‘09 Playoffs… Thaddeous Young is on the verge of Revolutionary status — dude is niiiice… We’d pay to watch Andre Miller and Anthony Johnson fight for rebounds…  Wow, Mike Miller won R.O.Y.?  Maybe we’ve been around too long if we’re forgetting major awards like that taken down on our watch… Chauncey has the fast-break, left-handed, behind-the-back pass in his arsenal?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 38 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could hear C-Webb’s “French laugh” all the way over here on the Left Coast.  With new episodes of Desperate Housewives finally back on the air, guess Tony could concentrate on the matter at hand — the Playoffs.  He bounced back with a score-at-will performance in Game 2 to get the Spurs back on track.  This is the franchise that lost Game 1 in the opening round of each of their last 3 championship runs, so maybe it was simply part of the master plan.

Worst Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 14 points on 3-14 shooting, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Not only did the Dallas role players not bring it in Game 2, neither did the big guns, especially Dirk.  But no one is shocked by that, right?  At least he put up some shots, Josh Howard was completely Styles P out there.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 19 points, 16 assists, 12 boards, 5 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooondooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo was putting it down, getting it in, laying it down, whatever you want say, in Game 2. So while Derrick Rose did not repeat his absurd offensive Playoff debut, he did repeat in allowing Rondo to do pretty much whatever he wanted all game.  And that was in spite of a nasty looking leg turn near the end of the 1st half.  With Leon Powe set to miss some time, the C’s will be in serious trouble if that ankle knocks Rondo out for any amount of time.

Last Shot Wins Of The Night:

And Ray Allen and the Celtics got the last shot.  In a sick, sick mano-e-mano showcase down the stretch, Allen went head up against fellow Husky Ben Gordon.  Gordon was hot earlier and longer, but Allen was hot later and last.  Shouldn’t the Bulls have gotten the ball in Gordon’s hands at any cost for that last shot with 2 seconds left, even if it was a heave?

Sally’s Got A One Track Mind Of The Night:

Ben Gordon — 42 points, 1 board, 1 steal

“I’m focused, maaaan”.  It’s hard work to grab only 1 board in 44 minutes.

Coach Of The Year Of The Night:

Congrats to Mike Brown who lead the Cavs to the best record in the league this year to take down this award.  And by “lead the Cavs to the best record” we mean “had LeBron on his team.”  In related news, Joe Smith rapping the Cavs Playoff Anthem?  What?  Huh?  More on this to come…

What’s better, Brad Meezy doing the Tim Thomas-Tony Yayo-DeShawn Stevenson-I Can’t Feel My Face Hand, or Joakim Noah doing it after Meezy nails a three?… On 04/20, when Mike Fratello says that Drew Gooden is “a high energy player”, it has a whole ‘nother meaning.  Word to Asher Roth… Are those guys in the Heineken ad screaming for the beer, or screaming because they just saw that damn Popeye’s Chicken ad for the 3,912th time in one night?  It hurts our soul to see Starbury passing up open shots… Best-dressed on the C’s bench — K.G. or Scalabrine?… Can the sideline reporter PLEASE fills us in on the candy situation behind the Spurs’ bench?

Line Of The Night:

Stephon Marbury — 8 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

As if the Paul Peezy/K.G.-led Ceatles were not already fully backed by L.O.N., now they have an apparently motivated Starbury?  It is on now.  This is the final push they needed for us to fully back their Playoff campaign again this year.  Sorry, LeBron.  We will admit, however, the whole “3″ logo on his head is extremely awkward, at this point.

Starbury looked rusty for sure, but showed signs of his old self.  And while it is an easy joke to make, he legitimately looked like he was having problems with his shoes and/or footing.  Maybe he needs to at least step it up to the 34.99 Al Harrington Protege joints?

Worst Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls — 23 point loss (113-90) to the Wiz with President Obama court side

You are better than that, Chicago.  Word to Mark Jackson.  After meeting the President, who claims ya’ll as his favorite squad, and having him attend your game against the worst team in your conference?  Awful.  How awesome is the Obama part of this whole scenario, though?  Just imagine a L.O.N. logo with the Obama “O”, right now.  We like the direction of this administration already.

Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 22 boards, 21 points, 1 assist, 1 block

It has been a relatively quiet — or at least under the radar — season for Horford thus far.  After getting a lot of pub last year for being the dark horse R.O.Y. candidate, his understated game has slid into the shadows this year.  But not last night.  Although Miami’s position is far from the secure, this is a possible preview of the 4-5 first round playoff match up in the East.  It would be interesting to see if the Hawks’ team dynamic could out match the one Wade show in M-I-Yayo.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 20 assists, 9 points, 7 boards

A ridiculous night for Paul, but the real story was the Hornets completely blowing a 17-point lead with 4 minutes remaining, only to have Tyson Chandler make an amazing putback tip in the final seconds to secure the win.  There is some sort of mind-bending symmetry there, given the rescinded trade situation.  Don’t expect us to put it into words though.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers — 79 points vs. the Denver Nuggets

Sorry, give us the words “bad”, “Kobe Bryant”, and “Denver, and we only can think of one thing.  Go ahead, Google those 3 phrases, we’re not the only ones.  Then we start thinking Michael Vick and Charles Grant and hypocrisy and all types of thoughts that will ruin our Friday night if we expound.  So just go ahead and contract the Lakers and everything will be solved.  Thanks.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 boards, 12 points, 1 assist

Not as impressive as usual, considering the Lakers shot 29%!!!!!  Wow.

Shaqtastically Shaquisite Of The Night:

Shaqtus — 45 points, 11 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 block

Fun.  Smiles.  Joy.  Keep getting your Shaq on, Shaq.  Keep it Shaqqy.  The world is a better place with a Shaq like this.

With a talented team, it seems too easy to run up regular season wins using the patented D’Antoni style.  Doesn’t it make more sense to rack up those wins, get homecourt advantage, and roll the dice in the Playoffs, despite the forced change in style?  In retrospect, it seems crazier and crazier that the Suns broke up the nucleus.  If it was financial based, that is a whole other topic, but if it was a purely basketball decision, it was purely idiotic.

???? Of The Night:

Raymond Felton — 26 points, 9 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards, 1 block

Tough.  Gritty.  A winner.  You might raise your eyebrows at the last descriptor, given his career record, but that’s how we would describe Felton.  Is he the best shooter in the world?  Not at all.  The best playmaker?  No way.  Is his game smooth or pleasing to the eye?  Definitely not.  But do you want him on your team, “in the trenches” as they say?  Every.  Single.  Day.

The Bobcats took down a tough road win in the town where Oscar Grant’s ghost lingers, longing for justice, but not without making it interesting.  With the score tied, shot clock turned off and G-State in the bonus, Stephen Jackson took the inbounds pass and was immediately fouled intentionally by Boris Diaw?!?!?!  Somehow, Larry Brown kept his composure as Captain Jack hit both free throws.  But Diaw made it look like all part of the master plan.  Felton drove, kicked to Raja Bell, who swung it to Diaw for 3… splash.  Charlotte threw the ensuing inbounds pass directly out-of-bounds and it was almost a wrap, but not before infamous ref Bennett Salvatore made it a little more interesting by first declaring the pass had been deflected, before completely reversing field, with no consultation, and saying it was not deflected.  Guess he wanted to make that reservation after all.  And this was after one of his ref buds made a similar reversal a few plays back!  Another wild one in the Bay.

What’s that buzz you hear?  It is Detroit talk radio going nuts: “Rip starts and we win! Blah blah Iverson blah blah blah”… Coincidence that Rajon Rondo produced 17 assists during Marbury’s first game with the team?… Larry Hughes drops 25 in his best game thus far as a Knick.  FREE LARRY HUGHES!!!!… Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… Pops Mensah-Bonsu.  Consider that a warning…  Kid Cudi or Heartbreak Drake?  Pick your side now.  The Revolution is not kind to bystanders…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 15 points, 12 assists, 10 boards

All those in favor of Vinsanity replacing Jameer Nelson on the All-Star team say aye.  Why so quiet, Boston?  Akrobatik?  Benzino?  Krumb Snatcha?  Anyone?

Worst Of The Night:

San Antonio vs. Denver

NBA Fan Night, huh?  You think when the fans voted to see this game they planned on Coach Pop benching not only All-Star Tony Parker… not only All-Star Tim Duncan… not only possible All-Star injury replacement Manu Ginobili… but also Michael Finley?  The fans love Jacque Vaughn.  At least they got to see the Birdman fly in any weather.  It was his world in the first quarter.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Luis Scola — 18 boards, 13 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

We didn’t see the game but this Chi-Town/Houston matchup must have been run-and-gun.  Both teams shot poorly, yet both ended up over 100.  Jeff Van Gundy is rolling over in his grave.

Buzzer-Beater Of The Night AKA The Other Guy That Should Replace Jameer On The All-Star Team Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 23 points, 3 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Young Thaddeous decided it was a good idea to leave Ray Allen open for the game-winner,  SHOOK-UMP.  All those in favor of Jesus on the East squad, say aye.  Why so quiet, Dirty Jerse?  Joe Budden?  Redman?  Treach?  Anybody?

Actual Quote Of The Night:

If you’ve watched an NBA game on your local FoxSports network recently, you’ve inevitably been forced to sit through your friendly play-by-play previewing the trailer for the upcoming “action thriller”, Push.  As this happened on Monday’s Warriors broadcast, the color guy, 64 year-old color guy (and former player) Jim Barnett proclaimed:

“I’ve always liked Dakota Fanning, ever since she was a little girl.”

Well, then.  He also shares a birthday with the CEO of L.O.N., and was born in the same state.  Yikes.  No word on how many L.O.N. employees just quit.

Just kidding, Mr. Barnett.  Your broadcasts are actually some of our favorite.  You drop knowledge like Doug Collins, only without Collin’s oh-so-soothing, Jim Nantz-esqe voice.

Mo Williams and LeBron are reaching their,  Professor Klump, “Chemistry, chemically” stage.  Their early alley opp last night was particularly sick… Is Toronto happy with the Ford/O’Neal trade?  Is Indiana happy with it?  If neither is happy, and they probably do not want the other player back, do they wish those guys would implode into oblivion?… Gary Payton’s collar needs to be listed as a co-host on Gametime, each week…  We wish Sam Cassell had run out and tackled Andre Iguodala for breaking out his dance with Sam in the building, last night.  Ray got him back, though…