L.O.N.

We’ve moved offices… we’ve relished in the Ceatles’ victory and the Lakers’ downfall… we’ve made excuses… we’ve procrastinated… but we are back like cooked crack, word to Juelz.   L-O-N, baaaaaa-by (said Weezy-style, like “Young mooooo-la, baby!”)!.

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — #1 overall pick to his hometown squad, the Chicago Bulls.

“And the streets say Derrick can’t go back home,
You know when I heard that? When I was back home“

A blessing, or a curse?  Rose lived the ultimate dream when he walked across that stage to shake David Stern’s hand, joining the Bulls.  Now he has the pressure of a sports-crazed town and the legacy of You Know Who to live up to.  One thing is for sure — he is going to need to introduce non-candy items into his diet.

Worst Of The Night:

And with the #8 pick in the 2008 draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select… Joe Alexander.  Honestly?  Word all week had the Bucks infatuated with the workout wonder, but after the trade for Richard Jefferson, and an apparent movement towards winning now, this pick seems terrible.  Not only is Alexander probably not ready to contribute right away, but talented big man Brook Lopez was still on the board, and you can never have enough skilled big men.  This pick has bust written all over it, unless management’s goal was to secure a guaranteed halftime entertainment for all of their home game, because now they can trot out Alexander and Desmond Mason for a 1-on-1 dunk contest every night.

Honorable Mention Worst Of The Night:

The ESPN broadcast.  ESPN may not have added 1 single good thing to the draft, in their broadcast.  The only good parts were the actual events and anything the draftees brought to the table.  Stuart Scott was horrible.  He was at his corniest and kept repeating information in close succession.  Those chairs in which Stephen A. conducted his interviews were huge — so big that pro ballers did not look right in them.  And they had to be uncomfortable.  They were probably perfect to get a good shoe shine, though.  Jeff Van Gundy, whom we loved during the Playoffs, may have not watched a single college basketball game in this century… and maybe even last.  That does not lead to informed opinions.  Mark Jackson is trying too hard to get a job with an NBA organization, so his performance was best described as vanilla (although he did appear in the L.O.N. C.E.O.’s dream later that night, serving up caffeinated hypeness from a giant espresso machine).  Scarily, despite being unintentional, Dookie Jay Bilas provided the most entertainment of the night.  The Bilas-Length-O-Meter was off the charts.  This man knows length!  It’s practically the only attribute he talked about during the broadcast.  He even managed to extol the length of “listed at 6′0″ point guard and 2nd round pick Sean Singletary!  Amazing.

But come one Worldwide Leader… to quote one of your analysts, you’re better than that!

Best Dressed Of The Night:

D.J. Augustin.  Weird pick, great suit.  The Charlotte Hornets, in desperate need of a center, passed on Brook Lopez to pick… a point guard.  Hey Mike, hey Larry… ever heard of fellow Carolina guy, Ray Felton?  You know, former lottery pick and your current starting point guard?  Interesting.  Then they follow this pick up with Alexis “PROJECT” Ajinca?  Hmmm… a draft inspired by, or maybe even run by, Arsenio Hall?

Worst Dressed Of The Night:

Eric Gordon.  When we first saw him, we were not sure if we were supposed to start ordering drinks, ask if we needed a reservation, or maybe hand him our car keys?  Ebony and ivory were not living together in perfect harmony with this ensemble.  Honorable mention goes to O.J. Mayo who went extra, extra on every single accessory.  Excessive attention to detail is good for your J and D, but not so good with the wardrobe.  Check Jerryd Bayless for more info on whole to pull off the all white/cream look.

Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Of The Night:

And with the 23rd pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Utah Jazz select… Kosta Koufos!

Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Part II Of The Night:

Robin Lopez stars in… The Hat.

The Lopez Twins take goofy to a whole ‘nother level, but they have the potential to be the best NBA twins ever.  Each twin needs the other’s balling attributes in order to complete their own repertoire, so a genetically engineered super twin would have it all.  But if one twin can do it, logic would say so can the other, right?  Meanwhile, on some real yin and yang type ish, Robin steps into a great — desirable location, playoff team — in Phoenix, while Brook joins the Dirty Jerse “Patiently Waiting For LeBron” Nets.  Philosophize on that, son.  And by the way, Brook, you thought dropping in the draft was worth crying over?  Well, welcome to New Jersey.

Booed Off The Stage At The Apollo Of The Night:

So wack.  Give it up, Shan.

IrrelevantBeef.com Of The Night:

Soulja Boy vs. Ice T… STOP!  Sure, Soulja Boy was a phenomenon.  He swept the nation.  The L.O.N. employees even stopped work one day to nail every step.  But has he done anything since, really?  Will he do anything?  Maybe, maybe not, but for now his 15 minutes are up.  Ice T… who?  He’s been irrelevant for possibly 15 years.  We all lose in this beef.

Revolutionary Squad Inductee Of The Night:

J.R. Smith, welcome to the club, you are now officially a L.O.N. Revolutionary.  Go, young man, and spread the gospel from court to court.  Our monthly column best describes the reasoning behind his induction:

‘He is the living, breathing result of a video game “Create A Player” experiment gone awry. He’s the next evolution of the Ricky Davis/J.R. Rider prototype, even sharing the latter’s name. Bred from birth to conquer every pre-Sunday All-Star Weekend activity (including partying!). On or off the court, none of his moments are highlights, because all of his moments are highlights. Playas and playettes, it’s J.R. Smith - basketball debauchery in the flesh.’

2nd Round Steals Of The Night AKA Next Gilbert Arenas Of The Night:

Watch out for these cats.  There could be a few teams with regrets in a few years

DeAndre Jordan, The Clip Joint — Sure he underachieved, but this guy was projected top 5 at one point.  Letting him fall to 35th may have been a little extreme.  Although, it may be a positive that he does not have that guaranteed moolah.  Young moolah.

Chris Douglas-Roberts, Dirty Jerse — Two words:  All-American.  6 More Words:  Hopefully not the next Ron Mercer.

Bill Walker, Boston Ceatles — Sick potential an athleticism, but will the knees hold up?  Obviously, he’s stepping into a great situation where he can continue to develop slowly.

Trade Of The Night:

Milwaukee gets:

Richard Jefferson… or is it Jeff Richardson?

Dirty Jerse gets:

Yi Jianlian
Bobby Simmons

Richard Jefferson is shipped to Siberia (although Milwaukee should be fairly competitive now, so we think he’ll come around, eventually) and Brick City throws up a neon “LeBron, ETA: 2010″ sign.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

Indiana gets:

Jarrett Jack
Brandon Rush
Josh “I’m Just A Contract” McRoberts

Portland gets:

Jerryd Bayless
Ike Diogu

Diogu?  What’s the story?  Everybody wants him, until they get him… meanwhile, Portland trades an established combo guard/non-pure point (Jack) for young combo guard/non-pure point with potential — a little strange.  In a foxhole, give us Jarrett Jack any time.  We ride together, son.

Trade Part III Of The Night:

Indiana gets:

T.J. Ford
Rasho Nesterovic
Roy Hibbert

Toronto gets:

Jermaine O’Neal
Maceo Baston

Does O’Neal’s leg function?  Did Toronto just trade something for nothing?  We may be in the minority, but we’ll take T.J. Ford over Jose Calderon any run of the week.  Ford is a baller.  He can take over a game.  But we will admit his neck is right there in the same category as O’Neal’s knee.

Trade Part IV Of The Night:

Memphis gets:

O.J. Mayo
Greg Buckner
Marko Jaric (and Adriana Lima)
Antoine Walker

Minnesota gets:

Kevin Love
Mike Miller
Brian Cardinal
Jason Collins

Kevin McHale’s man-crush ruins the second coming of Elvis.  And we say an Employee No. 8 buy-out on the horizon.  If the Ceatles challenge again next year, can they give him a spot on the roster?  Hot.

Trade Part V Of The Night:

Just kidding.   There were about 498 more trades, but they all involved Darrell Arthur so no need to comment further.

The L.O.N. C.E.O. defeats the Resident Councilman for at least the 6th straight year in the annual Pick The Draft Challenge…  Official NBA Celtic towels…  Joey Dorsey ahead of Chris Douglas-Roberts?  Is this hyphenated name discrimination?… The Pac-10 was on some Dirty South, hit-after-hit-after-hit type ish, with 6 out of the first 15 picks… Incessant.  Draft.  Analysis…  If you weren’t clear, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys.  Got it?  By the way, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys…

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 31 points, 7 boards, 6 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

Sick, sick, sick. The most-likely MVP did it all, as the Lakers pulled out the brooms on the Nuggets. A lot of focus was placed on the mess that is the Denver Nuggets, but is it possible the Lakers are simply really, really good?

Either way, put a fork in the Nuggets. Did this series show their true spirit? Or was it an aberration? A.I. seemed sour and cranky for the whole series, while Melo was almost the complete opposite… seemingly too relaxed. The one positive for them may be J.R. Smith’s series. He seemed focused and stepped it up on the big stage. Can he transfer that to an 82-game season, though? We just hope he keeps launching from 28 feet!

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 21 boards, 21 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

It took them 5 games to the Lakers’ 4, but chronologically, this effort from Superman made the Magic the first team to advance to the second round, as they knocked off the Raptors. They can now sit back and watch the Pistons struggle to knock off the Sixers for at least 2 more games. As for the Raptors? Let the “Fire Sam Mitchell” chants rain down. This team “talented” their way into the Playoffs, never really figuring out their identity. With the roster pieces they have, and no clear problem to point the finger at, they should have been more competitive than they showed in this serie.

Johnson And Smith Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 35 points, 6 assists, 1 board

Josh Smith — 28 points, 7 blocks, 6 boards, 2 steals, 2 assists

ALL of the 4th quarter points for the A-T-Liens? How do the supposedly defensive-minded Celtics give up 32 points in the 4th, and all of them by only 2 players? Seems like Doc gets some blame for this. He doubled Joe late, but it should have come earlier. And in a separate mistake, why was he not going offense/defense, consistently, at point guard? Sam mad a great offensive play when he was in there… then he got benched.

Josh Smith is about to superstar this league, by the way.

You Reach, I Teach Of The Night:

Whatever Joe Johnson did to Leon Powe last night… it is illegal in 17 states. Does he have a Rasheed Wallace mentality? Is he the type of guy that just does not want to be the superstar every night, and would rather fit in with the team?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night: 

Chris Webber — The MRSV says: “He looks nice.  Welcome to the team!”

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 34 points, 12 boards, 7 assists, 2 steals

What Hubie “Knowledge” Brown wants, he gets. Pre-game, Brown said LeBron needed to approach a triple-double for the Cavs to win this one. While he was 1 assist shy of official L.O.N. Near Triple-Double status, he was fa sho in the ballpark. Result? Cavs win, as Delonte West nailed a corner 3 in the waning seconds, assisted by The King, of course.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Boris Diaw — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This (inserting Diaw into the starting lineup) was either a great coaching move by Mike D’Antoni, or simply a mental let down game for the Spiddurs. Game 5, back in San Anton, will clarify that. Regardless of whether or not it was a great move, or simply a move mandated by Grant Hill’s balky groin, it may be too little too late. The Spurs need to close this thing out in Game 5, though, or the Suns will enter back into official Red Giant status.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes to… Tayshaun Prince. “He’s on fire!”, says the MRSV. Yes, indeed. It was a good day for the MRSV, as her Pistons looked like they had their act together, at least in the 2nd half. Give the ball to Tayshaun! He seems to be their best offensive player, right now.

Straight Shots To The Dome Of The Night:

There were two Playoff-type flagrant fouls committed on Sunday, one by a superstar, and one on a superstar. During the first game of the day, the much hyped LeBron James vs. DeShawn Stevenson match-up was racheted up to yet another level, when DeShawn flagranted Bron-Bron. On a drive to the basket, it appeared DeShawn swung wildly at James’ head, knocking his headband off, and completely missing the ball. The Cavs were upset, and LeBron even mentioned, post-game, “If we was on the park, something definitely would have escalated”. Looking at the replays though, we are not sure of Stevenson’s intent. His play could easily be interpreted as a swipe at the ball that just missed, but the background between the two has people assuming the worst.

Later in the day, we had ourselves a TRUE flagrant. Late in yet another beat down at the hands of New Orleans, Jason Kidd let out all his frustrations, essentially palming Jannero Pargo’s head in the midst of a lay-up, and throwing him to the ground. Flagrant 2, ejection. Now THAT was gangsta.

In The Studio Of The Night:

Chris Webber is keeping it all the way real as the newest member of the best basketball show on TV, Inside The NBA. This would seem to be a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” type situation, but with Knicks GM rumors swirling around Kenny Smith, maybe TNT is simply covering their bases. In his first night, C-Webb proved himself very capable, dropping relevant behind-the-scenes info on the Pistons, and even throwing most of the Mavs roster under the bus, claiming he would only want to go to war with two Mavs — Jason Kidd and Jerry Stackhouse. If they lose the Jet they will suffer on the X’s and O’s side of things, but they will be gaining a guy that is apparently not afraid to speak his mind. The old guard did not miss a chance to haze the studio rook, either, ending the night with funny jab at Webber’s infamous timeout situation in college.

Sam Vincent fired in Charlotte. Larry Brown waiting in the wings?… Hedo Turkoglu wins the “Most Improved Player” Award. Well-deserved… Pat Riley stepping down (again) as Heat head coach…

Line Of The Night:

Chris Bosh — 39 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Bosh upped his superstar credentials with this performance, but the Raptors as a whole cannot seem to put it all together in the same game. If T.J. Ford plays well, Jose Calderon does not. If Jamario Moon plays well, Anthony Parker misses every shot. If Andrea Bargnani has it all going… oh, wait, that never happens any more. Is it coaching? Let the question be a statement.

Worst Of The Night:

Following Denver’s 102-84 loss in Game 3 of their series with the Lakers, we were all set to get on here and rip the hell out of Melo and his squadron. Well, he beat us to the punch:

“I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not pointing the fingers at nobody. I didn’t play worth a [expletive] tonight, and I can accept that. But as a competitor, there’s no way that I should lay down and quit and lay down on my team like we did tonight. You could just sense it,” Anthony said. “I’m saying ‘we,’ because I’m part of this, too. I’m saying I quit. We all just gave up.”

Wow. Seeing a talented Nuggets team show no heart at their first Playoff home game was one thing, but it was compounded by the Rockets performance later in the night. Maybe the Nuggets should switch their teams colors to red, white and blue — that is the only uni Melo seems to shine in, these days.

Of course, this may just be a case of underestimating the Lakers. We are starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, the Lake Show is actually ballerific (and acting like it’s all terrific).

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 19 points, 16 boards, 8 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

Right here, right now — Magic 3-1 over T-Dot and Sixers 2-1 over Detroit Basketball. This is jumping waaaay ahead, but does that mean we are now anticipating a Magic/Celtics Conference Finals? Or do the Pistons simply know drama better than TNT?

McGradles — 23 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

He did everything well… except shoot. If he gets a decent percentage from the field — or Rafer — the Rockets shock world, and take two games in Houston. These two teams are so evenly matched, even when it appears that one team has the clear talent advantage. It is a shame for Houston that Skip missed the first two games. Based on what we have seen now, it might have been a whole ‘nother type of series with him manning the point from the get green.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Mehmet Okur — 18 boards, 14 points, 1 block, 1 steal

While probably known more for his long-range shot than for his grittiness, it was the latter that was key for Utah on Saturday. With the Jazz up two, late, Deron Williams MISSED two free throws, seemingly giving the Rockets new life. Memo shut that window just as fast as it opened, though, snagging (well, Rick Adelman might describe it more as “pushing my guy out of the way, then grabbing”) the offensive rebound. Game time. Never forget — the Pistons have not won a title since Memo left. The Jazz have not won one with him. Sounds like purgatory.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 17 points, 14 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

It is official — as Horford goes, so goes the Hawks. Of all the options on the team, it is obvious after Game 3 that he is their leader, and their heart & soul — their K.G. Hittin’ clutch J’s to put the game away, then taunting Paul Peezy? A very impressive rookie playoff breakout party.

Line Of The Night AKA Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

LeBron James — 30 points, 12 assists, 9 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when you try to bully perhaps the most physically gifted NBA player of all-time.  The Wizards seemed obsessed with trying to foul the Cavs on every lay-up, and forgot about playing the game of basketball.  The King is clearly in their heads.

Near Fat Lever Part II Of The Night:

Tracy McGrady — 23 points, 13 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

The man did everything he could in an effort to will the Rockets to victory, but the deeper Jazz are simply the better team.  The way McGradles’ career is playing out is eerily similar to that of K.G. — year-after-year of 1st round knockouts, in which he has rarely been the favorite.  Well he ever get it done in Houston?  Or will he have to move on to a fourth franchise to truly make his post-season mark?

PWNage Of The Night:

DeShawn, DeShawn, DeShawn — you just got pwned.  Damon Jones with the Yayo Dance after a late 3!  That is what happens when you talk trash about LeBron and then celebrate a meaningless three when your team is down double-digits.  Now you can understand Stevenson’s recent naming to the All-Airhead squad!  Also you gotta love Damon’s sense of the moment and ability to always unexpectedly work his way into Playoff storylines.

Manu Ginobili wins the 6th Man Of The Year… Kevin Garnett wins Defensive Player Of The Year… Scott Skiles hired to coach the Bucks.  Should be a good fit, at least for about 2 years… Isiah Thomas, still employed by the Knicks in an undefined role, banned from any contact with the Knicks’ players…

Line Of The Night AKA Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 36 points, 16 boards, 8 assists, 3 blocks

Put one of the most talented post-men in an open gym by himself for about a half an hour, and he would probably put up a line a lot like this. He shot 14 of 20, and all of those might have been dunks. Enver takes bad defense to never seen before levels.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 25 points, 22 boards, 5 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Howard dominated the paint in this opener, but the real story was Orlando’s 3-point shooters. It is hard to believe they will keep up their Game 1 pace, probably leading to a close series. As the “Great Toronto Point Guard Debate” continues, we have to weigh in on T.J. Ford’s side. Looking at pure stats, Jose Calderon seems like the man, but L.O.N. says T-Dot-O needs a balling Ford to win this series. He is the only cat that can get penetration, finish or create a shot. Calderon just cannot take over a game like Ford can, when at this best. With Howard most likely continuing to have an advantage over Bosh, Ford needs to step it up. And oh yeah… can Jason Kapono get some more shots, please? That goes for whoever is manning the point.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 16 points, 9 boards, 8 assists

Wow, and this was a bad game for him? Pistons fans worldwide better hope Detroit actually plays for 48 minutes in every game for the rest of this series. The Sixers did not even the play the best they can, and took a game in the Palace! It is amazing that the Pistons never learn. Year after year.

Fool’s Gold Of The Night:

Carmelo Anthony — 30 points, 12 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Nice line, but we say he had a bad game. He went 11 of 26 from the field, largely because he just jacked up jump shots. Drive the ball! The Lakers are not exactly defensive masterminds themselves. Take advantage! On top of that, Anthony seemed to loosen up and really play well in garbage time. That is the opposite of clutch. And damn it… pass to J.R. Smith and Linas Kleiza. They were absolutely on fire, shooting a combined 15-21! J.R. Smith was so hot, he set the bus on fire on the way to the arena! Pass that rock.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

THE POWE SHOW! On Josh “shock the world” Smith’s head. The only shocking tonight was to Smith’s system, as Powe got him and so did K.G. earlier in the game. On Sunday, he was definitely in the mood for dinner-time breakfast.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Shockingly, the award goes to Doc Rivers. The MRSV says: “He looks handsome in his Celtic green tie.” Wild.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 20 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Elton Brand 2.0 did himself proud in Game 1 vs. Boston, surprisingly leading the Hawks in scoring. This team barely avoided contraction, and if they even want to come close in a single game this series, guys other than Horford and Joe Johnson are going to need to show up.

We do not even know what to say about whatever that weird coach moshpit was that George Karl held in the Denver locker room prior to the game… The Lakers fans broke out the “D-U-I” chants right away, for ‘Melo. Keep it classy, L.A…. Body By Jake in the house, next to Jack at the Staples Center!… Jeff Van Gundy is the best thing that ever happened to the Mike Breen broadcasting team. Not only is he hilarious, but any talk time that Breen loses, is a beautiful thing…

Waking up to the pedestrian voices of Rick Carlisle and Dave Pasch (who? what?), the L.O.N. offices had no idea what was in store for them. Even the disjointed first quarter of the Cavs/Wizards game belied the amazing that was about to happen over the course of the day.

Line Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 40 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Who is the best player in the NBA, again? Who? Also, this game clarified a lot about the Spurs. They are definitely too old. Their window has closed.

Seriously though… if this series continues to play out like the first game, it is going to be beyond classic. But if the games are close like this, will it even be a contest? The Suns are not built for the clutch. The Nash/Stoudemire pick-and-roll proved highly effective throughout the game, but it is not really a “final shot” type play. They looked decent before Amare fouled out, but in total, 2 of their 4 clutch shots were taken by Boris Diaw and Leandro Barbosa. You tell us — who would you want shooting your clutch shots? Manu Ginobili, Michael Finley and Tim Duncan or Steve Nash, Diaw and Barbosa? The answer was obvious, in Game 1.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 9 assists, 9 boards, 2 steals

Veteran 0, young gun 1. Kidd was pwned by CP3 (35/10/3) in this one. The team defense of Dallas as a whole is going to have to improve to contain the young fella. CP3 and the Hornets answered any and all questions about their legitimacy, while reminding us that regular season results in head-to-head match ups really do not matter. People put way too much stock in Dallas’ win earlier in the week, and way too LITTLE stock in their complete collapse in the Playoffs last year. It is interesting that they may have run into the rowdiest crowd of the Playoffs for the 2nd straight year, and it is even more interesting that Dirk is so worthless. Dirk and Dampier may be one of the weakest frontcourts on a supposed contender in NBA history. They have no answer for the Paul-to-Tyson-Chandler oop, and even Hilton Armstrong was catching a little wreck. Paging Desagana Diop… paging Desagana Diop…

Near Beast Of The Night:

Antawn Jamison — 23 points, 19 boards, 2 assists

24 shots though? Gilbert was 8-16 for 24 points, so he got his, but shouldn’t some of Jamison’s gone to Tough Juice? All-Star Caron Butler seemed very passive in this one, with a sub par 14 point night on 10 shots. He needs to take a cue from those Cleveland Playoff t-shirts and rise up if the Wiz want to win.

And what is up with Twantown absolutely losing his mind over some trivial pushing and shoving between LeBron and Brendan Haywood? That is a side of ‘Tawn with which we are not familiar. He is otherwise so calm and collected, coming across as downright distinguished in his interviews describing his early Playoff memories. He is clearly a nominee for a starring role in various NBA retrospectives in about 20 or 30 years — you know, the old cat reminiscing about the game, Black Magic style. But during that non-fight, he looked like Kurt Thomas had taken over his soul, eyes popping, arms flailing. At the beginning of the Spurs game, Thomas’ crazy eyes were rather calm… maybe his soul had not yet returned.

But on the reals… the Andray Blatche shot to LeBron’s face, followed by the non-fight, really seemed to shake the King out of a malaise. Ya’ll really need to let that man be.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes too… a MRSV favorite, Gilbert Arenas. The MRSV: “Welcome back! Here comes trouble.”

Honorable Mention goes to a newcomer on the MRSV’s radar, Chris Paul, about whom she says: “He’s hot!”.

Ol’ Unfaithful Of The Night:

Andrei Kirilenko == 21 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Like clockwork, the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park will erupt about every 60-90 minutes. Like clockwork, you never know what the hell Andrei Kirilenko is going to erupt for. Despite a very average second half of the regular season, AK47 came out on fire on Saturday, playing well in all phases of the game. You could see it immediately, as he ran out of the tunnel with a huge smile on his face. What in the hell… did he cash in his freebie card in the training room before the game? Whatever it is, the Jazz may actually need him to get through this series. The Rockets did not exactly play their best game — although it may have been all this group can muster — and T-Mac may not disappear in the 4th quarter in the rest of the games.

The HD Effect Of The Night:

When you see most of your basketball via the League Pass (not HD) on a TV meant for HD, as we here at L.O.N. do, you are often “treated” to game after game broadcasted with a very low picture quality. For certain teams (like the Wiz and the Hornets from today’s action, for example) that have few national HDTV appearances, this blurred/grainy image becomes part of the team. Then the Playoffs, where HD happens, start, and it is like a whole new world! We did not know what to do, today, with a HD quadruple-header — a marathon of basketball beauty. These blurred teams look like butterflies coming out of the cocoon. It is quite the phenomenon. We even thought we liked those black and gold Wizards joints.

In the clutch: Lebron 1, Gilbert 0. But that 3 at the end of the 1st quarter was sick… Somebody finally got the King some clippers for his sideline grooming!… How ridiculous is LeBron’s snow-white Maybach with the “KNG OF OH” license plate?… We obviously missed out on the details of the Cavs various trades this season. When did they acquire Frederick Douglass’ great-great-grandson?… Those were some big-ass Swooshes on Brendan Haywood’s Nikes… Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” ad. Classic… GILBERT FOR 3!!!… VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY!… Tony Parker, Jacque Vaughn and Boris Diaw. One of these things is not like the other one, but they are still the French Connection… Michael Finley looks like his barber took it just a little bit too high… D-Wade and Star Jones?… The Peja heads!… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!…

Every game last night involving at least one Western Conference team ended up with a double-digit margin of victory.  Things that make you go hmmmmm…

Line Of The Night:

Mike Bibby — 26 points, 12 assists, 6 boards, 3 steals

The difference.  After beating the Raptors last night in OT, the Hawks have now won 5 straight, and seem very likely to make the Playoffs.  Bibby has been exactly the stabilizing force A-T-L expected when they traded for him.  This win did not come without controversy, though, as a T.J. Ford game-winning shot at the end of regulation was said to come after the buzzer.  However, replays seem to show that the clock was started a little to soon on the play.  Could we have a SECOND A-T-Lien game this season protested and re-played?  Teams like Dirty Jerse, Indy and The Chi, with Playoff hopes still alive, probably hope so.  You know what they say… if you ain’t cheatin’, you aint’ tryin’.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Indiana Pacers, 77 points vs. Boston Celtics

Playas and playettes, welcome to the 1st Round of the Eastern Conference Playoffs!  This game paired with A-T-L’s 5th straight win actually puts Indy 4 games out, but still, even if it’s the Hawks, the 1st Round could have a lot of games this nasty.

Miami Heat, 77 points vs. New Orleans Hornets

If this team really was contracted tomorrow, it’s possible literally none of their active players would be picked up by anyone else in the league.

Back In The Hizzouse Part I Of The Night:

Gilbert Arenas — 20 minutes, 17 points, 2 assists, 1 board

Controversy always surrounds Agent 0.  His first game back coincided with a blown 4th quarter lead to the lowly Bucks, who pulled off an unlikely win after relative unknown point guard Ramon Sessions hit a buzzer-beater.  Of all the players coming back, Arenas wins the award for most likely to be more trouble than he’s worth… at least that’s the perception.

Back In The Hizzouse Part II Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 18 points, 5 boards, 1 block

His line was decent, but he seemed to have more of a “Willis Reed In The Finals” effect on this game, inspiring his team to a superb effort.  The Mavs absolutely crushed the Warriors, knocking them out of the Playoffs for the time being.  This was the most bizarre of all the comebacks, as the Mavs fronted the whole day as if Dirk wasn’t playing, only to have him in the starting lineup at game time.  How bizarre… what a terrible song.

Back In The Hizzouse Part III Of The Night:

Elton Brand — 19 points, 5 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Robot or man?  After missing the first 74 games of the season, Brand stepped onto the court against the Sonics last night as if nothing had happened.  His machine-like efficiency is back in full m-f-ing effizzect.  Clip Joint for mayor.

Back In The Hizzouse Part IV Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 10 points, 7 assists, 6 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

We smell conspiracy.  C-O-N-spiracy!  Why the hell did all these guys came back on the same night?  Call David Stern!  Call the FBI!  We want answers!

Rookie Of The Night:

Javaris Crittenton — 23 points, 9 boards, 4 assists, 1 steal

The rook went for a career-high against the… oh, it was the Knicks, so this may actually count as an exhibition or something.  And you thought the NY Gods had mailed it in before?  Just watch ‘em now that Isiah Thomas is REALLY a lame duck coach after the hiring of Donnie Walsh.

Bored Miami Heat announcer dropped this gem after a failed Julian Wright tip dunk attempt: “Third of the flying Wright Brothers — Julian Wright!”… The Play Of The Night was definitely Rudy Gay’s and-1, which he tossed up from BEHIND the backboard.  No UCLA rule in Memphis, either, we guess… G-G-G-G-G-UUUUUUU-NIIT!

Vegas. March Madness. House guests. Yeah, at L.O.N. we make excuses. We know ya’ll are feeling L.O.N.nie withdrawal, but want to know the real reason we’re back? The Charlotte Bobcats just won 3 straight road games on the West Coast! A higher power is definitely telling us something. And the time for our Chris Paul for MVP campaign is waning.

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 26 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

This came vs. Philly in the 2nd of a back-to-back. Following a horrid Saturday night (see below) for the Cavs, Sunday saw them get back on track with a win over the young upstart of the Eastern Conference.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Caron Butler — 17 points, 12 boards, 12 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Looks like when/if Gilbert comes back, he will be coming back to Caron’s team. Butler has his imprint all over this Wizards squad now, and it was almost enough to take down the Kobster and the Lakers on Sunday night. The Lake Show ended up having just enough to close out a 6-point OT win.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 14 assists, 13 points, 9 boards, 1 steal

An aging Kidd is a prime example of why Kenny Smith pays stat sheets no attention. For Kidd the triple-doubles (especially when playing in Oaktown!) flow like water, but the wins flow like molasses; there is no longer a correlation between the two. The 114-104 Warriors win left the West’s playoff race in perhaps it’s most muddled state to date. These two squads and the Nuggets now find themselves locked in a dead 3-way tie for 7-9 spots, but in 3 distinct spots on the momentum chart — Mavs sinking, Nuggets rising, and Warriors sitting right where they have been all year.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Miami Heat, 62 vs. Boston Celtics

There is really no polite way to describe what is going on with the Heat right now, so we will stick to the facts. Kasib Powell played 40 minutes. Blake Ahearn, Joel Anthony and Stephane Lasem all played 20+. The team shot 28.8%, making only 17 field goals. Rob Bironas might have had more than that for the Titans in one game this past NFL season.

Cleveland Cavaliers, 71 vs. Detroit Pistons

The Pistons have been teetering a bit, of late, but it appears when they are fully focused, they are still the same ol’ Stones. Remember this, though: Detroit has not one a title since the departure of Mehmet Okur. And that’s real.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Thornton — 39 points, 5 steals, 3 boards, 2 assists.

He lit up the Grizz (okay, that might just downplay the whole issue), showing that the Clip Joint may have found the best pure scorer in the history of their organization. That’s an “off the top of the dome” comment, but if it’s not true, we’d love to hear the other challengers. Terry Dehere? A 50 year-old ‘Nique? The Polish Rifle in his prime?

We still don’t really know what David West does, but damn if he doesn’t have 30 and 10 at the end of the night more often than you’d think… The Spurs won their 7th straight, resurrecting themselves from the media’s graveyard for the 2nd time this season… Rashad McCants for 6th Man Of The Year in 2008-2009. Get your campaign contributions in, now… Surprise, surprise. Now Derek Fisher has an injury excuse just like his good friend and P-N-C Kobe…

Line Of The Night:

Baron Davis — 38 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

What a stark contrast to watch the Warriors and Suns play after two straight days of college basketball tourneys.  These pros are good.  Boom Dizzle had it all going last night, but his teammates seemed to run out of juice in the 2nd night of a back-to-back, against Phoenix.  Looks like the Suns are starting to figure this Shaq thing out.

Beast Of The Night:

Josh Smith — 22 boards, 16 points, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

The rare small forward beast.  The sick part is, his potential is barely tapped since it’s unclear how much ethic and basketball IQ he has.  Imagine the possibilities of Smith with Tyler Hansbrough’s mentality?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks, 75 points vs. the Houston Rockets

No wonder Smith had so many boards… the A-T-Liens couldn’t shoot!  But that’s what happens when you go up against the Houston juggernaut!  What a great story.  The team is displaying the camaraderie of a college Cinderella (even though Jordan is telling us there is no Cinderella) team and it’s just fun to watch.  The Rockets could potentially get the #1 seed in the West!  20-0.  McGradles for MVP!?!??!?!

San Antonio Spurs, 75 points vs. the New Orleans Hornets

David West came back with a vengeance, dropping 29 and 10 on the heads of the reigning champs.  Give Manu the ball!  He only had 11 points on 5-10 shooting.

The Unpaid Intern On Location Of The Night:

Editor’s Note:  Sorry for delay in publishing this, but it’s karma.  The Unpaid Intern should not have waited so late in the season to go to an NBA game.

Friday, March 7, 2008, Madison Square Garden, NYC — There will never be a day when “I just got 10th row tickets to the Knicks game” will come as bad news.  In fact, it will always be great news–especially when the Knicks are hosting the Detroit Pistons.  Our seats were behind the basket, just about eye-level with the players.  Free and great. There were plenty of Pistons fans in attendance, although we can’t claim to have had any sort of faux home court advantage like the L.O.N. C.E.O. witnessed at the Clipper’s game.  After one of our Deeeee-troit Baaaaaasket-ball calls, one Knicks fan told us to go back to Detroit.  That’s fun.

The night started off with one bad and one good surprise.  The good was that newly acquired Piston Theo Ratliff was not only suited up, but starting.  The bad was that there was no sign of Rasheed Wallace. So unlike the L.O.N. C.E.O., we were not privy to Sheed’s infamous pre-game dance ritual–which would have been right by us.  The team still did some kind of dance-huddle, but it wasn’t the same.  As a big Rasheed fan, it was a pretty big disappointment for him to have the night off for what will probably be the only Piston’s game I’ll see in person this year.

The Pistons started out cold, perhaps still feeling whatever it was that led to that terrible game against Boston.  But soon enough the score was tied, then the Stones were up by 15 and the world seemed right.  The Knicks fought hard until the end though, and were within striking distance.  But when you’re sending Chauncey to the line at the end, you can pretty much take the W to the bank.

The Billups-Crawford match-up was fun to watch.  J-Creezy can ball, too bad he plays for a terrible team/organization right now.  Rip got tossed, like an idiot, for running his mouth.  If there’s one thing we’d like to see the Pistons do, it’s button those lips and just play basketball.  Detroit is a tough as nails, blue collar city, not a crybaby blabbermouth town.  Get it right.  Watching Eddy Curry play makes me wonder how many guys in the league don’t really enjoy basketball.  Sometimes it seems like Curry is only out there because he happens to be a giant and it’s a good way to make a living.  He looks sad and bored and like he’d rather be somewhere else.  Never a good look when you’re a cornerstone of the franchise.  And I think that if I were a Knicks fan, I would want to vomit every time I saw Renaldo Balkman.  Ugh.

Perhaps the best part of the night, for me as a Piston fan, was seeing the young guns out there.  The trio of Amir Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Rodney Stuckey looked solid.  They still need a few years, but there’s the young core of a possible future dynasty there.  It was the first time I’d really seen Stuckey play and it looks like he’s got “it” — that confidence and killer instinct, coupled with superb athletic ability.  Sometimes you see a rookie out there, looking timid and unsure (see Dorell Wright’s first three years).  Stuckey had none of that hesitation; I think he’s going to be a special player.  And that’s not to take anything away from Amir, who could grow into a possible Amare-style beast, and Maxiell, who has already shown that his grit and hustle transitions to the NBA game.

In famous person news, there were numerous NY Rangers seated in the front row near us, as well as fan-favorite and former Red Wing Brendan Shanahan.  Spike Lee was in attendance, as usual, and even got involved by standing up and shagging down a ball, talking some smack as he handed it back to the ref.  And Aaron Ross, rookie DB for the Super Bowl Champion Giants got an ovation and was mobbed for autographs by kids as he made his way down the aisle.

The Garden is such a great atmosphere, it’s too bad Isiah and James Dolan have basically ruined that team.

Pistons win in a game that was much closer than it should have been.  101-97.

Green-on-green crime:  Boston stomps Seattle 111-82… Philly will play anyone, anywhere, anytime.  Wednesday they knocked off the Pistons in the Palace… Tough Juice back in the house.  Caron Butler scores 19 and gets a win for Washington, over Cleveland, in his return to the lineup… Bruce Bowen suspended for Friday’s game, after hitting Chris Paul with his leg on Wednesday.  This ends the current longest consecutive games played streak at 500… Smush Parker, back in business after signing with the Clip Joint.  Maybe they read our Dickau rant!… LeBron James becomes only the third man to ever appear on Vogue, AND he’s moving in on Tom Brady’s woman!