L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins.  Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is.  Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests.  This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the 2nd best record in the West.  #3 by mere percentage points?  Spid-durs.  Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.

Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:

#10.  Really?  #10?  We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy.  REAALLY?!?  A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher?  REAAAAALLLY?!?  A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher?   REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!?  The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher?  Really?!?  Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Sorry, Marcus.  Honestly.  [whispering]  Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.

Tribute Track Of The Night:

If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“.  Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep.  To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious.  Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is — even if it was Oscar-worthy — there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists.  So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it.  Because it WILL be defended.  Word to Ron Artest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards

Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points.  How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games?  Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.

Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block

Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring.  It’s his new signature.  Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger.  If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.

Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:

McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee

Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments“, you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.

A Tribe/Jordan collabo?  That’s the definition of L.O.N.  Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers:  ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived D-Miles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in.  But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the C’s.  Big win, right?  But the real reason for the smile?  FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai?  QUICK!  NOW!!!!  SAY IT!!!  PICK ONE NOW!!!  DO IT!!! HURRY!  NOW!  IMMEDIATELY!!!

Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 42 points, 7 boards, 6 assists

Career-high points… all-around game… young, blossoming star… still a loss.  Now 7-15.  Our answer?  Cut Josh McRoberts.

Worst Of The Night:

The Minnesota Timberwolves.  An utter and complete disgrace.  Never before has it been clearer than seeing them trudge through a game last night against perhaps the model franchise in the League, San Antonio.  Ya’ll should boycott that “product” up there, Minnesotans.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

McGradles — 24 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Gotta love looking at the schedule and seeing the defenseless Warriors for the night of your return from an injury.  That’s a soft landing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Philly Freezer — 72 points vs. Cleveland

The Sixers took on the nickname of hometown MC, Freeway, last night, shooting an ice cold 43% from the field.  This type of play has become the norm for Cavs opponents, though, during their dominant 11 game winning streak.  And speaking of Freeway… he has been coming hard so far during his self-proclaimed “Month Of Madness“.

Miami Cold — 73 points vs. Atlanta

This was a horrid game.  Neither team shooting over 38%?  Gross.

Dirty Jerse — 79 points vs. T-Dot-O

The breakout game of the Jay Triano Era?  Or simply a fluky, frigid night that saw Vince Carter shoot 0-13 from the field?  Irregardless, can the fantasy heads out there get an answer on the Moon/BargnaniEntreatment?

Debut Of The Night:

Jason Richardson — 21 points, 3 boards, 3 assists, 1 blocks

Well, for one night, it all made sense, just like Lonnie told us it would.  J-Rich came, he scored, Suns won.  But lots of questions remain for a still morphing Phoenix squad.

Debacle Of The Night:

The L.O.N. offices have endured most of the Clippers train wreck of a season.  Hey, we get limited number of HD games and we love Ralph Lawler.  What can we say?  Guess what night the DVR broke, though?  Yeah, the night they win a double-OT thriller in Portland — another team we love to watch.  Awesome.

The Pistons haven’t won a title since Mehmet Okur left.  Four seasons from now, will we be saying, “New Orleans hasn’t contended since Jannero Pargo left”?…  Shocking news of the night:  Corey Maggette remains out indefinitely with a hamstring injury… Why is J-Crizzles struggling in seemingly his dream offense?…  The Bobcats sign Juwan Howard.  The Fab Five lives…