L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 52 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 blocks

No question on this one.  The Kobe-hating part of our office wanted the King to go for at least 62.  However, the side of the office that likes sunshine and carefree frolicking, was excited LeBron put HIS signature on the game.  A triple-double is more his style.  And 52 points + 11*2(at least) = 74 points.  So he accounted for more offense than Kobe’s 61 and 3 anyway, right?

But on the reel-to-reels, these inflated stat lines should not be getting as much play as they are, since they are coming against the D’Antoni Knicks.  After all, this is the same system that produced the two sham Steve Nash MVPs.  Shouldn’t the Knicks be angry the League’s stars look at the them as the team they are going to try and set records against?

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Wow, his first one?  He has been close before, but he finally did it, Brooklyn, last night against the Suns in a victory.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jermaine O’Neal — 22 points, 9 boards, 9 blocks, 4 assists

Almost the rarely seen triple-double with blocks.  It was not enough to help the Raptors shine some light on their disappointing season, however, as they took a home L to the Lakers.  Biggest bust team in the League this year, right?  Somebody please get Anthony Parker in the Playoffs, though.  Really.  On a legit contender, preferably.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“When they see you coming down and you outta luck/They gon look at you and say that clown/gassed up, you can hear it when he talkin’/Scored a couple points and now he thinkin’ he Jordan”, “Amnesia”

Pa-poose, pa-poose.  This joint is fire.  It’s over a classic Sade beat, and Pap goes in.

Everybody’s talking about an economic stimulus plan, but what we want from Barack is some sort of stimulus to get Papoose or Saigon to put out an official album.  Soon.

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq on his new intro ritual:

“‘The guys holding me up are called ‘The LPC,” O’Neal declared. ‘The Levitation Process Crew. It’s because I levitate above all competition. And of course, because there is no such thing as levitation, I need a Levitation Process Crew. This Gentleman in my Arms,” he said pointing at Alando Tucker, “shows that we have trust in each other because he’s just diving into my arms - and I just want to let him know that I got his back. It’s a symbol of trust.’”

Keep ‘em coming, Shaq.

Honestly, Give Durant The Ball In Crunch Time Of The Night:

Looks like every time Denver and OKC get together it’s gonna go to right to the end, culminating in some manner of spectacularity.  Last night Carmelo came out on top again, hitting a ridiculous runner.  We are still angry though, that Kevin Durant’s teammates do not fully realize the capo status he has attained.  GIVE THE MAN THE BALL!  In the final few minutes, Russell Westbrook actually waved him off, then ended up shooting a fadeway jumper that had absolutely no chance!  Come on, ya’ll.  Let the man live.

The Pistons took down the Heat in a battle for Eastern Conference mediocrity supremacy.  Good, close game, too… How gross does this Hornets team look without CP3?… Jay-Z, Mr. Barber.  Mr. Barber, Jay-Z…

It was official Clinton Sparks/SmashTime night in the NBA on Friday, with 5 out of the 9 games ending in 20+ point blowouts.  But at least the late night jawns were “burn-barners” as the Chuckster might say.

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 46 points, 15 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

We are not completely on Gary Payton’s side (that would probably be difficult anyway, considering it was unclear exactly what his point was for much of his Thursday night All-Star discourse), but at least for this night, we are going with individual performance over winning.  Eric Gordon put up 41 for the winning Clip Joint, but score was essentially all he did.  Durant added the boards, AND went 24-26 from the free throw line!  If it’s not this year, his double-digit All-Star streak will start soon enough.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rafer Alston — 17 points, 8 boards, 8 assists

With Yao tweaking his knee early in the game, not even this all-around effort from Skip was enough for the Rockets to win in Indiana.

LeBron James — 32 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

And the buzzer-beater to silence the rowdy Oakland fans.

Stephen Jackson — 24 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This game was hard to watch for the first three quarters.  There were a ton of fouls and not much flow.  The the 4th quarter happened.   Tight game, up-and-down, and in the final minute the King and the Captain went shot for shot.  LeBron got the last shot though, spoiling Monta Ellis’ return.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Phoenix Suns — 76 points vs. Charlotte

This is the type of game that makes the average sports fan hate the NBA.  A lot of Charlotte fans probably came to this game or watched on TV, excited to see guys like Shaq, Amar’e, Nash, etc. and then the entire Suns roster simply rolled over (we’d mention the Bucks/Hawks blowout, but we’re guessing ATLiens were not fired up to see if Joe Alexander could register on ‘Nique’s Dunk-O-Meter).  Not even Jason Richardson could get inspired to play against his old team.  Of course, as bad as this game was, it was probably more interesting than whatever you want to call what Jake Delhomme did a couple of weeks back.  The Bobcats took advantage, for sure, and it was never a contest.  They are now creepin’ on a playoff come up.

Warning Sign Of The Night:

Ricky Davis — 11 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals, 1 block, 1 point

1 point and 11 assists for Ricky Davis?  We are honestly worried about Ricky’s mental state now.

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

East:

Allen Iverson
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Kevin Garnett
Dwight Howard

West:

Chris Paul
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan
Amare Stoudemire
Yao Ming

All-in-all, we think the fans got it pretty much right, this year.  Hard to come up with strong arguments against any of these selections.  Would have been interesting to see if David Stern would have allowed the Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen selections, though.

What Is Gary Payton Talking About Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 30 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 4 blocks

Really?  Not an All-Star starter, GP?

Has Dwight Howard been watching the Shawn Kemp post-shot celebration how-to video?  You know, the Cleveland years, when Kemp would add a little flourish to even the simplest of plays?  Howard is borrowing heavily from Shaq as well, for the specifics.  He’s giving the post-dunk crouch-face, the hand stare after a shot… Maybe Dr. Ruth taught him… Now that Alonzo Mourning retired, can we also retire those annoying Gatorade ads in which he brags about his golf game?… Must see tv:  C-Webb and GP talk Nene wedding plans… We think we like this year’s all-star unis.  Or our expectations so low now anything would have impressed us?  And the Mailroom Supervisor tells us not to buy in to this “improves your vertical by 4%” nonsense…

Another outstanding All-Star Weekend — L.O.N.’s favorite time of year.  We hate to see it end.

Line Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 1 All-Star Game MVP Award

2 All-Star Game MVP awards at the age of 23?  Sick.  Ray Allen made a huge push for this award, going crazy from 3 in the 4th quarter to end up with 28 points.  However, in the final minute with the game’s outcome in the balance, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST happened!  LeBron served some delicious sauerkraut right in Dirk’s Mouth!  Wow.  Nowitzki is so worthless… step up!

Worst Of The Night:

This is a tie between Mr. Cryant and Reggie Miller.  Kobe hit us with a quick strike of awfulness, while Reggie Miller waged a long, hard-fought, campaign!  The Mailroom Supervisor sums up our Reggie feelings, a little later on.  As for Kobe, thanks for uselessly taking up a roster spot to play only 3 minutes with your stupid, messed up finger.  In one of the deepest potential All-Star classes in memory, Kobe had to waste a roster spot and make it all about him, parading around answering questions about his injury and gleefully showcasing his wrapped hand on the bench.

Boooooooooooooo-riiiiiiiiing Of The Night:

How boring were the marginal West selections?  When you’re practically forced to take Yao Ming, Tim Duncan and Nowitzki each year on the roster, you are already starting a little high on boring All-Stars meter.  Outstanding players (well, not Dirk, ha!), but just not fun guys to have in the All-Star game — Yao’s three’s and Duncan’s jokes (and three’s as well) notwithstanding.  So when you’re starting with that kind of disadvantage, can you please not force us to stomach Carlos Boozer, David West and Brandon Roy (that no-way-in-hell oop he attempted is Exhibit A)?  Come on.  Give us Boom Dizzle, Manu Ginobili, and Deron Williams!  Free Stephen Jackson.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The NIght:

Chris Paul for being “a home team hero and not throwing up despite his nerves and being super-cute”

Runner-up for H.O.N.nie?  Ernie Johnson — for “having to deal with Charles Barkley and for saying ’spanked’ on national television”.

The MRSV’s N.O.T.tie Of The Night

Straight from the MRSV:  “Shut up, already, Reggie!  Not only are you ugly, but your voice sucks and your brain is stupid.”

Yikes.  We can’t argue with that.

Fashion Review Of The Night:

TNT did a particularly poor job of celebrity spotting and player shoe coverage, but we scoped what we could.

We loved the uniforms and the warm-ups, especially the West’s.  A lot of people were hating on the double-sided unis, but we were feeling ‘em.  Our favorite detail were the logos of past All-Star weekends on player’s warm-ups who had been on multiple teams.

Magic Johnson had on a nice gray and purple (the color of the weekend, it seemed) suit/tie combo.  His problem is that he’s getting a little too big for any suit to look right on him.

Harry Connick, Jr. really wanted to stand out, as he rocked neon-brown (yes, neon-brown!  At least when contrasted by his all black suit/shirt/tie) dress shoes.  Special All-Star editions, perhaps?  Were they stitched with H-Conn-JR?

Just in case a picnic broke out, assistant coach Darrell Walker was prepared, dipped out in an orange and blue table cloth.

On the court, Carmelo had a whole lot of leg stuff going on: red socks, white calf covers, and various other stuff.

As we mentioned, shoe coverage was minimal.  A big deal was made of Chris Paul’s dual-allegiance, though.  In the first half he wore the new Jordan XXIII’s (as did Melo), while in the second half he switched to his first signature shoe, which bore tributes to his deceased grandfather as well as his college coach, Skip Prosser.

Craig Sager also interviewed Steve Nash about his dogs, which were covered in shoes made from 100% recycled material.  However, the highlight of that exchange was Nash snatching Sager’s handkerchief, blowing his nose in it, and placing it back in Craig’s suit pocket!  Boom.

We also noticed LeBron, in an All-Star edition of his signature line, colored blue and gray like the East unis, as well as Iditarod with shiny gold feet.  No word if those meet official Iditarod racing specifications.

Non-MVP, MVP Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 16 points, 14 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards

The MVP winner almost always hinges on the outcome of the game, and this year’s award was no different.  If the West had come all the way back, hometown hero Chris Paul would have been the man.  He took over in the 4th, just like he does back on his Hornets squad.  It’s a beautiful thing when a point guard dominates a game.  It’s like he’s a puppet master controlling each of the other 9 guys on the court.  His size and abilities are similar to what might happen if you took Allen Iverson’s body, cut off half his brain, and put half of Steve Nash’s brain in.  Steven Ivasherson.  l Get used to this dude runnin’ thangs in mid-February for years to come.

Big Men Shooting 3’s Of The Night:

It’s become a time-honored All-Star tradition; big men, finally unbridled, step out for an attempt at a little 3-point glory.  There was more glory than usual this year, as Yao (0-2), Amare (1-2), Duncan (0-1, and he had another, just toeing the line that he banked in ON PURPOSE), and Rasheed Wallace (1-5, mostly left-handed!) were all in the mix.  Commentator Doug Collins even joked about it, suggesting coach Byron Scott was inserting Yao back into the lineup for his needed 3-point touch.  The moral of the story (word to Saigon) though?  ‘Sheed’s left-handed long-range gun is more potent than almost every other big man shooting with their strong hand!

D-Wade Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

At one point, after a Wade miscue, the L.O.N. C.E.O. jokingly said that D-Wade is “over-the-hill”, but actually, had some of the more entertaining highlights on the night.  First, he took Big Dirk to the hole, bringing back memories of the Heat/Mavs Finals.  Then, in the third quarter, he came with the Jordanesque, back-to-the-basket, wrist-slap, over-head-flip-shot, and-1!  Beautiful.  Finally, he sealed the game by STUFFING Big Dirk at the 3-point line!  Jeez… Big Dirk gets absolutely and consistently abused when surrounded by great players.

David West the only player to have his name on the front AND back of this jersey.  WEST on WEST, FOOLS!  It almost makes us want another Westside Connection album, just so they can all rock that jersey in the video…  TNT’s new backboard stat pop-out is weird and unnecessary, but we like it… Steve Nash needs to shoot more in the regular season games… Jason Kidd guarded Dirk at one point.  Oh the intrigue!… Nashty assists a Dirk turnaround.  Oh the memories!… Is Nash going to develop a jealous rage against Kidd?  Or LeBron vs. Dirk?  This week, on “As The Aging Unloaded Star Turns”… Stop calling fouls, refs!… The Nash/Paul back court was AWESOME… Gotta love the triple-alley-oop, featured as #3 in this countdown… Amare served Dwight Howard some scrumptious breakfast.  #2 in that same video…

Line Of The Night AKA 40/40 Club Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 41 points, 3 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Golden State just doesn’t play well until they get behind or are considered the underdogs. At home vs. the Wiz, they had to get themselves down by 23 in the first half before they could really turn it on. It’s probably not so for Nellie, but it’s hella entertaining for us. Please let this team be in playoffs! Captain Jack’s will alone, should get them there. He put up this monster night playing on a noticeably sore sprained ankle.

Larry Hughes — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Ah this brings back memories of the glory days, of his time in Golden State and Washington, when he carried the Revolutionary flag with pride. We’d love if he could bring this back for good, and so would LeBron.

Worst Of The Night:

During last night’s Bucks/Clip Joint game, the Milwaukee announcers had a 10 minute off-and-on discussion about whether or not Andrew Bogut is left-handed (he’s not)! Yes, the BUCKS announcers — the ones that have now watched Bogut play HUNDREDS of games! The color guy was being polite, but seemed to think the play-by-play guy had gone crazy while arguing this point. That asshole finally admitted to brain freeze, but not before the audience had all stuck sharp objects in their own brains.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs, 76 vs. Philly

That’s just disgusting. A loss at Philly by a supposed contender? That’s two disgusting losses to Eastern Conference lowlifes in 2 nights. Oh, sorry, that’s two Eastern Conference playoff contenders!

PAU! Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 26 points, 6 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks

Wow. Pau helped lead the Lakers to this win in Charlotte, taking them to 6-2 on their current East Coast swing. It’s one thing to beat up on those guys though. It remains to be seen what happens when he and the Lake Show face the likes of Tim Duncan, Yao Ming and the other West Coast pivots.

Jerry Buss chops super-satellite to L.A. Poker Classic main event 4-ways while drinking cheap casino wine and enjoying the company of a, um, YOUNGER lady… Black unis only, please, on the road, Blazers… ‘Sheed Wallace to replace KG on the All-Star game, but he’s not happy about it…