L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 7 assists, 5 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that is the Playoff D-Wade everyone expected.  But if hitting a million 3’s and getting Retro J.O. is what it takes for the Heat to win a game, they might be in trouble for the rest of this series.

Worst Of The Night:

Flip Murray — 4-15 for 15 points

This is not necessarily a criticism of Flip.  What we are confused about is Marvin Williams only getting 19 minutes while Flip struggles.  FREE MARVIN WILLIAMS!!!  And where’s Joe Johnson?  Did he and Marvin get put in the cage with Spirit the Hawk?

Rookie Of The Night:

Courtney Lee — 24 points, 3 boards, 3 steals, 1 assist

A career-high in your first “must win” Playoff game?  Baller.  After Derrick Rose struggled just a little in his 2nd game, it could be argued that Lee is now on top of the P.R.O.Y. standings.  However, the Magic may need even more out of young fella if they want to take this series.  Despite what may look like a comfortable margin of victory, they probably got a little lucky in this one.  They still did not look all that great, and if Philly had any type of 4th scorer (only 3 guys had more than 5 points), the Magic might be in a big hole.  Dwight Howard only 4-6 for 11 points?  Hmmm.

We May Have A Challenger Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups — 31 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

After a second consecutive dominating performance by the Chauncey-led Nuggets, have we found our Western Conference challenger to the Lakers?  As the Playoffs unfold, the Lake Show’s path is looking considerably tougher.

Thanks For The Memories Of The Night:

We love you Dik.  Dikembe Mutombo’s distinguished NBA career came to an end during Game 2 of the Houston/Portland series on Wednesday, and he will be missed.  Everyone is coming out with their favorite Dik stories and memories and here are a few of ours: one Christmas he sang various Christmas carols with a Santa hat on for the network broadcasting the Christmas Day games… the iconic image of him laying on ground clutching the ball after a first round playoff upset way back in his Denver days… the unmatched humanitarian work…

While we know he’ll have better stuff to do to keep himself busy, we would love it if he were given an honorary bench spot/cheerleader role for one Playoff team each year.

Orange plastic shirt court-side in A-T-L… With Josh Smith’s shove-down of Jamaal Magloire and the general chippiness in the Denver/N’Awlins series, we are getting closer and closer to our first automatic 1-game “leaving the bench” suspension of the ‘09 Playoffs… Thaddeous Young is on the verge of Revolutionary status — dude is niiiice… We’d pay to watch Andre Miller and Anthony Johnson fight for rebounds…  Wow, Mike Miller won R.O.Y.?  Maybe we’ve been around too long if we’re forgetting major awards like that taken down on our watch… Chauncey has the fast-break, left-handed, behind-the-back pass in his arsenal?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins.  Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is.  Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests.  This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the 2nd best record in the West.  #3 by mere percentage points?  Spid-durs.  Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.

Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:

#10.  Really?  #10?  We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy.  REAALLY?!?  A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher?  REAAAAALLLY?!?  A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher?   REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!?  The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher?  Really?!?  Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Sorry, Marcus.  Honestly.  [whispering]  Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.

Tribute Track Of The Night:

If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“.  Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep.  To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious.  Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is — even if it was Oscar-worthy — there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists.  So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it.  Because it WILL be defended.  Word to Ron Artest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards

Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points.  How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games?  Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.

Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block

Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring.  It’s his new signature.  Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger.  If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.

Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:

McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee

Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments“, you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.

A Tribe/Jordan collabo?  That’s the definition of L.O.N.  Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers:  ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived D-Miles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in.  But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the C’s.  Big win, right?  But the real reason for the smile?  FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai?  QUICK!  NOW!!!!  SAY IT!!!  PICK ONE NOW!!!  DO IT!!! HURRY!  NOW!  IMMEDIATELY!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 35 points, 2 boards, 2 assists

The Ray Allen jump shot is still such a beautiful sight, event after all these years.  The Ceatles needed every last one of them against the Pacers, as this season’s giant killers almost struck again, before falling in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 22 points, 20 boards, 2 assists

The Suns used this effort to tough out a 2 point win over the Jazz.  Isn’t there a whole lotta complaining and bickering in Phoenix for a team that really isn’t in that bad of shape?

Kevin Garnett — 20 boards, 17 points, 5 steals, 4 assists, 1 block

One other note on the Boston OT win.  Why was the Indiana offense run through Rasho Nesterovic during OT?  Give it to Granger, already.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 14 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

This versatile Vinsanity voyage vaulted the Nets to victory over the Sixers.  With a winning record about a fourth of the way into the season… dare we mention the “P” word for Dirty Jerse?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 7 blocks, 3 assists, 2 steals

How a coach on a bad team that is going nowhere can survive a completely uninspired blowout loss at home to the Clippers is beyond us, in this day and age of the light speed spinning coaching carousel.  But as of the writing of this, Randy Wittman remains the captain of this long past sunken ship.  (Update:  Wittman out, Kevin McHale takes over).  In related news, a bit of a terrible team round robin tourney took place, with the Clip Joint visiting Memphis Friday, followed by Minnesota on Saturday.  We needed a Memphis/Minnesota matchup to truly set things off, but with a little middle school geometry, we can crown Minnesota as the second worst team in the West.  Congratulations.

David Lee — 19 boards, 12 points, 3 assists

Must be the new hairdo.  We’ll call it the fratboy mohawk.  Lee and the Knicks mauled the Pistons on Sunday, right from jump street.  Blame Iverson or Coach Curry?  The coach does not look like a good fit, to us, so far.  And his abrasive (although often true) interview comments, may not work well, for long.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Cleveland

The Cavs’ absolutely smothering D was on display, highlighted by 10 blocks, including one of LeBron’s now patented from-behind-layup blocks on Raymond Felton.  Cleveland has now won 8 straight games, all by double digits.  They are “in their bag”, currently, as Freeway might tell you.

Rookie Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 30 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Ok, dude is officially freed and can officially get it done on the NBA level, although he does still need to figure out how to reign it in a bit, out there.  While the Outlaws still lost to the Heat, it was only by 6, and almost has to count for something with a team this bad.  Maybe if Westbrook had lived up to his supposed defensive rep, and held D-Wade to less than 38, they might have actually pulled one out.

Interview Of The Night:

David Duchovny was interviewed at halftime of Sunday’s Knicks/Pistons game as part of a segment called “Gimme A Minute with Jill Martin”.  Pure comedy.  First, she messes up the air date when mentioning the season finale of his show, Californication.  No, wait, back up.  FIRST, there are the litany of “I bet he would like a minute with Jill Martin” jokes, given his sex addict status.  But we’ll let you fill in your own punchline with that situation.  Second, she asks if the show might move to a New York location, to which he politely replies, “It’s hard to shoot a show called Californication in New York.”  Awesome.  She doesn’t even bat an eye, though, before mentioning he used to be a “balla”… sounding completely ridiculous.  And just to add to the “what in the hell is going here?” factor, a wheelchair basketball game is going on in the background!  Amazing.

Bobby Brown with the rare 360 wrong-hand lay-up.  Interesting…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Kanye’s “Street Lights” makes this entire experimentation phase of sorts he’s in, or whatever you want to call it, worth it.  That’s classic material.  Can’t you see P.J. Carlesimo contemplating life, to that track, as he gets the hell out of Oklahoma City?  Yeah, we can’t either.

Line Of The Night:

Vinsanity — 39 points, 9 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

Sorry Mr. Bosh.  We’ve put you through a rough week.  You had last night’s L.O.N.nie wrapped up, only to have Mr. Carter (no not that one… no not that one either… yeah, that one) come through and snatch it.  His clutch shots give him a shot at this honor, and then that perfect game-ending reverse alley-oop sealed the deal.  Word to Lawrence Frank on that, too.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Wolves — 78 points vs. the Ceatles

This franchise had it’s heart and soul stolen when KG was shipped to Boston, and last night he finally came back to put the proverbial stake in said heart.  And then there was dust.

Memphis — 76 points vs. the Mavs

Mike Conley, supposed point guard, 14 points and 0 assists.  Let us only pray to Pac above that this not the only Buckeye failure of the weekend.

Trade Of The Night:

G-State gets:

J-Creezy

The Knickerbockers get:

Al Harrington

In reality, this is a pure FREE AL HARRINGTON situation, but as soon as the deal went down, the L.O.N. offices were awash in celebration with the news that fellow Michigan alum (ok, he’s probably not official alum, but ya’ll know what we’re sayin’) Jamal Crawford was heading to one of our favorite teams.  Of course, since he was leaving the new-fangled Knicks, where he was a key component of D’Antoni’s attack, his new situation is probably equal, at best, for the entertainment factor, but we still love it.

As a eulogy on the Al Harrington/Nellie Era, we never quite understood the problem.  Seemed an ideal situation for Al, but now he’s probably headed to an equally ideal spot.  Get ‘er done, Al.  And pour out a little red-eye cocktail service for Jonathan Bender, while you’re at it.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

The Clip Joint gets:

Zach Randolph
Mardy Collins

The Knickerbockers get:

Cat Mobley
Tim Thomas

This is atrocious on so many levels for the Clippers that we do not even know where to start.  When the season began, D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh probably had a convo something like this: Walsh:  “Hey Mike, let’s try to get Z-Bo off to a hot start so we can find some sucker to take him of our hands.”  D’Antoni:  “Aww man… do I have to?  I was hoping to have a my own version of the 3 Tenors down there w/ Starbury, E-City and him.”  Walsh:  “Do it.  Trust me.”

Hypnotism?  Blackmail?  What’s your secret, Mr. Walsh?  More importantly, who is going to eat cheeseburgers with E-City, now?

Hey Mr. Dunleavy, why don’t you hand the Knicks the keys to the NBA for the ’10’s?  This puts them in the pole position of the LeBron sweepstakes, or so conventional wisdom says.  Oh to have access to the Patriot Act wiretap trained on the James household today… ABUZZ.

Rookie Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 25 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals

Derrick’s jumper was certainly in full bloom (buh-doomp-doomp-piiisshhhhh) last night in G-State.  He took over this game down the stretch, hitting j after j after j after j.  He even gave the crowd the ol’ finger-over-the-lips “hush” symbol after one shot.  Too bad he apparently got stabbed on the court, somehow, near the end.  He finished the game in pain, on the bench, with an icepack on his abdomen.  Weird.  This odd injury closely followed fellow rook Anthony Randolph being hit in the neck by an invisible blow dart.  Some definite hijinx went down in the Bay, last night.  Speaking of Randolph… he may be Nellie’s dream player.  He’s a longer L-Eezy without quite the same handle.  Nellie likes his handle enough, though, as he had him bringing the ball up as the point several times.  He looks raw, exciting, and wildly inconsistent.  But hella fun.  Another speaking of… why haven’t Odom and Nellie hooked up?  Isn’t Lamar the definition of?  Somebody make it happen.

Insult To Injury Of The Night:

It has been well-documented that after comparing notes with fellow Duke alum Carlos Boozer, this past off-season, Elton Brand snaked the Clip Joint.  Well, last night he added venom to the insult.  And the injury.  Despite struggling most of the night, Brand nailed the go ahead jumper in the final minutes, and was right there on D to prevent the Clippers from scoring.  Who knows though… Dunleavy seems to be collecting big men that make a lot of money.  Maybe they’ll trade for him.

Orlando has slide under our radar a bit.  They started off slow, but now are right there with the LeBrons at 2nd in the East.  Nice… Rasho!  You missed your chance!  2 more points in you’re in the Near Ice Cube section!  Ever again?… Come on J.R., don’t go out as the garbage man… Houston has to at least take a, um, quantum of solace in the fact that despite their disjointed play, they are sitting ok at 8-5… Will someone please play power forward for Charlotte?  This is getting ridiculous… With limited roster, Starbury given the option to play and chooses not to… The Thunder is so disgusting.  Sorry, Kevin…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 34 points, 6 boards, 3 assists

Lakers.  8-1.  Sickly talented.  Deal with it.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 20 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

This is a nice line with a couple skeletons in the closet.  Those would be 5-18 shooting and 5 turnovers!  The Warriors won though, so all is forgiven.  The real issue is whether or not we should give in and enjoy this Anthony Morrow young’n?  The shot is sweet… but will Nellie soon bury him on the bench with no remorse?  Or is this a real breakout?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

With Murph grabbing 19 Rodmans (yeah, we’re some old heads), and Rasho Nesterovic dropping a ridic 21 points, 7 boards, 5 dimes, 3 blocks and 2 steals line, you might hazard a guess that the Hawks’ big man Al Horford left this one early on, with an ankle injury.  After this, their 4th straight L, looks like the wheels are falling in the A-T-L both literally (Al and Josh Smith out with ankle/foot injuries) and figuratively.  Ya’ll better keep some security ’round the players lot.

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Battle?  Chris Bosh.  War?  Dwight Howard and the Magic.

Rookie Of The Night:

Greg Oden — 22 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that’s how you do it like a G O!

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Magic City Monday, yes she the-yere/Trying to catch a number of a couple more players/One from the Hawks and, one from the Braves and/the NBA types she want nothing but athletes”

That’s from Killer Mike’s “Delilah”, part of his Sunday Morning Massacre series.  Question… the young lady he’s talking about… is she on her way to a different city as a result of this losing streak?

Brian Scalabrine for mayor.  But really, why is USC home of the red-headed male?  Do they have a scholarship program?  A research project?  What?… LeBron James, youngest player to 11,000 career points…  Also youngest player to be “good friends” with a Hip-Hop mogul that happens to be a part owner of a team in arguably the most important market for the league… Tyler Zeller was probably cursed the second he stepped inside Chapel Hill city limits.  Dude looks just like Duke’s mascot!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Garnett — 21 points, 10 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

This is all about what you cannot see in the line.  Peezy went for 36, but he would have been sitting on the bench, getting blown out by the Raptors, if it was not for K.G.  Back at home after an intense win in Detroit, the Ceatles were about as lively as John Lennon and George Harrison during the first half.  The only exception was the Kid, who had his motor running, as usual.  When the rest of his guys still weren’t really into it in the second half, he ratcheted up to that other level, getting everybody going.  He even started pressing Jose Calderon full court, reaching and pointing and clapping and yapping the whole time.  It was a beautiful sight to behold.  Really, can’t they transform his blood into some kind of laptop battery?  Car fuel?  A general high efficiency energy source?  Obama has the solution to the country’s economic, gas, and enviromental problems right under his nose.

Worst Of The Night:

Hey Phoenix, if you are going to pound the ball into Amare and Shaq, maybe you guys should practice the entry pass?  We counted at least 6 failed entry passes in last night’s game against the Grizz.  Gross.  Matt Barnes alone screwed up 3 in a row, at one point!  Overall the Suns are in textbook Bizarro world right now… it’s an odd scene out there in Arizona.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 29 points, 19 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

Ok, Greg.  You’ve officially dodged the murder’s row of centers you were set to face to open the season, and your team, the Blazers, even came out of it with a respectable 4-3 record.  Time to come back an enjoy your overwhelming physical advantage.

Rookie Of The Night:

O.J. Mayo — 33 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

Wow.  Coming out of college, we were not exactly sure what Mr. Mayo was going to give us in the NBA.  After two consecutive 30+ games, now we know (well, maybe we don’t… after all, these performances came against the no D Warriors and the “what the hell are we doing out here, coach?” Suns).  Dude is a natural offensive (more offensive than Ralph Nader, more offensive than Andrew Dice Clay, more offensive than Mike Martz, more offensive than Michael Vick at the Westminster Kennel Club, more offensive than an Eminem concert in the Vatican, more offensive than our earlier Beatles comment) talent, and not afraid to have the ball in his hands.  In fact, if every player in uniform for both the Grizz and the Suns had ganged up on him and physically tried to wrestle the ball away from him last night in the 4th quarter, it might have been mission impossible.  And we’re including Shaq in that.  He literally had the ball in his hands over 90% of the time for the Grizz in the fourth.  He balled out for sure, but we were definitely having visions of early-post-Shaq-liberated Kobe.  Mayo could have capped this performance off with a big time clutch shot, but failed on a long, long gun to tie with a few seconds left.

Overall, Memphis has a whole lot of talent, but almost no clue how to play with each other.  With under two minutes to go, they failed to inbound the ball TWICE IN A ROW!  Come on, guys.

Hakim Warrick to Robin Lopez:  get some, have some, want some!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!… Amare removes the goggles.  Too bad, we kind of liked them… Leandro Barbosa finally suited up last night, dropping 27 points, but still only played 22 minutes… It hurts to see what has become of the Vinsanity of it all.  He looked hapless last night in clutch (2 turnovers in 3 possessions), as D-Wade showed him how it is properly done… How much extra time do K.G., The Truth and Ray Allen have on their hands now that every single media outlet in the universe no longer has to do an obligatory “Big 3″ feature?  More or less than Melo has, now that the braids are gone?…  The obligatory Hawks reference:  Solomon Jones… Gold medalist Nastia Liukin court side, in Pacers jersey, at Pacers game, but actually a Mavericks fan…  FREE ALICIA SACRAMONE!…

Vegas. March Madness. House guests. Yeah, at L.O.N. we make excuses. We know ya’ll are feeling L.O.N.nie withdrawal, but want to know the real reason we’re back? The Charlotte Bobcats just won 3 straight road games on the West Coast! A higher power is definitely telling us something. And the time for our Chris Paul for MVP campaign is waning.

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 26 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

This came vs. Philly in the 2nd of a back-to-back. Following a horrid Saturday night (see below) for the Cavs, Sunday saw them get back on track with a win over the young upstart of the Eastern Conference.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Caron Butler — 17 points, 12 boards, 12 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Looks like when/if Gilbert comes back, he will be coming back to Caron’s team. Butler has his imprint all over this Wizards squad now, and it was almost enough to take down the Kobster and the Lakers on Sunday night. The Lake Show ended up having just enough to close out a 6-point OT win.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 14 assists, 13 points, 9 boards, 1 steal

An aging Kidd is a prime example of why Kenny Smith pays stat sheets no attention. For Kidd the triple-doubles (especially when playing in Oaktown!) flow like water, but the wins flow like molasses; there is no longer a correlation between the two. The 114-104 Warriors win left the West’s playoff race in perhaps it’s most muddled state to date. These two squads and the Nuggets now find themselves locked in a dead 3-way tie for 7-9 spots, but in 3 distinct spots on the momentum chart — Mavs sinking, Nuggets rising, and Warriors sitting right where they have been all year.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Miami Heat, 62 vs. Boston Celtics

There is really no polite way to describe what is going on with the Heat right now, so we will stick to the facts. Kasib Powell played 40 minutes. Blake Ahearn, Joel Anthony and Stephane Lasem all played 20+. The team shot 28.8%, making only 17 field goals. Rob Bironas might have had more than that for the Titans in one game this past NFL season.

Cleveland Cavaliers, 71 vs. Detroit Pistons

The Pistons have been teetering a bit, of late, but it appears when they are fully focused, they are still the same ol’ Stones. Remember this, though: Detroit has not one a title since the departure of Mehmet Okur. And that’s real.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Thornton — 39 points, 5 steals, 3 boards, 2 assists.

He lit up the Grizz (okay, that might just downplay the whole issue), showing that the Clip Joint may have found the best pure scorer in the history of their organization. That’s an “off the top of the dome” comment, but if it’s not true, we’d love to hear the other challengers. Terry Dehere? A 50 year-old ‘Nique? The Polish Rifle in his prime?

We still don’t really know what David West does, but damn if he doesn’t have 30 and 10 at the end of the night more often than you’d think… The Spurs won their 7th straight, resurrecting themselves from the media’s graveyard for the 2nd time this season… Rashad McCants for 6th Man Of The Year in 2008-2009. Get your campaign contributions in, now… Surprise, surprise. Now Derek Fisher has an injury excuse just like his good friend and P-N-C Kobe…