L.O.N.

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Line Of The Night AKA Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 10 boards, 8 assists

And two mismatched shoes (1 retro Cav Orange, 1 retro Cav Blue).  As the Kobe v. LeBron debate rages on… guess we know one thing The King can do that the Mamba cannot — win in the Rose Garden!  Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Kobe Defenders, stand up!

Ice Cube Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 22 points, 13 assists, 10 boards, 4 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn-dooooo!

Near Beast Of The Night AKA Career-High Of The Night:

Andrew Bynum — 18 boards (career-high), 17 points, 3 blocks

He really should have grabbed 18 boards at some point before this, right?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Milwaukee Bucks — 77 points vs. the Lakers

Michael Redd hears a pop in his knee after only 12 minutes and 0 points scored.  Brandon Jennings scores 10 points to lead all starters… and that’s more than the ENTIRE TEAM scored in the 1st quarter.  A wonderful recipe for contraction.  Not to mention the Lakers’ Bynum and Lamar Odom severely limited offensive rebound availability with their board work.

NBA Fit Of The Night:

‘Sheed Wallace — 29 points, 8 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

There have been lots of complaints about ‘Sheed’s conditioning so far this season.  He has been starting for K.G. (out to rest his knee) lately and bottomed out on Friday in a loss to Hawks in which he shot 5-15.  Now maybe he has turned the corner?  He led the C’s in scoring in what was far and away his best game in the Celtic green.  Is an “NBA Fit” ‘Sheed the silver-lining of K.G.’s injury?

Season Debut Of The Night:

Ian Mahinmi — 15 points, 9 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

The man, the myth, the legend.  Ian in the building.  Another diamond in the rough found and polished up by the Spurs, or just a 1 night Nyets-inspired fluke?  The Spurs can still use all the help they can get at their revolving door labeled “PF”.

We are trying to contain our excitement for J-Creezy’s impending introduction to the Playoffs, but really, it may be time to start the countdown… At 3-34, the proposed (by us, of course) Nyets’ signing of The Situation and Pauly D has to be approaching, as well…  THE RHINO!  Craig Smith — and the Clip Joint — are 1 game from a .500 record and maybe only a few games from the Blake Griffin Era.  On the come up… Come on L.O., 3 more points and you get in here with the Near Ice Cube!… DeShawn Stevenson warms up with “Agent Zero” written on his ankle tape.  Rumor has it David Stern immediately picked up a phone in his office, and all that was heard on the other end of the line was:  “It’s done”…

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Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Last night’s game was a nightmare for Lakers-haters far and wide.  Mr. Cryant balled out (wow… the “throw it off the board to myself” play?), made his annoying celebratory faces and obnoxiously told Shane Battier about it throughout the entire affair.  He elbowed Ron Artest in the throat, only to have Artest get called for the foul and eventually get ejected.  Then public enemy number two or three — Derek Fisher — committed a crazily dirty foul on Luis Scola.  The only thing that could have made it worse for Anti-Laker Nation would have been Sasha Vujacic doing anything worthwhile on the court, and therefore getting more face time.

Lakers took this one down, but in our opinion, the Chuckster summed up the rest of this series best, when he asked, “Can Kobe do this 3 more times?”  ‘Cause that might be what it takes.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points, 12 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks

That ain’t Superman, that ain’t Defensive Player Of The Year, that ain’t nothing.  Maybe Underdog?  Hancock?  Handi-Man?  Tiny Avenger?  Head Detective?  That last one definitely made no sense but a Head Detective reference cannot be denied.  And Head Detective would’ve had at least 2 blocks.

Larry Bird Of The Night AKA Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 18 assists, 15 points, 11 boards, 2 assists

We tried to tell ya’ll on the last joint that Rondo woke up mid-way through last game.  Ya’ll don’t even gotta go to summer school!  Just pick up that L.O.N. double thread post.  It’ll be all the wisdom you need.

Artestism Of The Night:

Ron Artest has been killing the post-game interviews in the Playoffs, and last night was no different:

“I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that.  I remember one time it was one of my friends he was playing basketball, they was running a game.  It was so competitive they broke a piece of leg from a table and then threw it.  It went right through his heart and he died, right on the court.  So I’m accustomed to playing basketball really rough.”

Rough?  You think?  Were you playing with vampires, Ron?  Was Buffy running point?  Blade puttin’ up triple-doubles from the 3-spot?  Count Chocula with a mean post-game?

Unexpected Double-Double Of The Night:

Carl Landry — 21 points, 10 boards

Nice, but not quite enough to make up for Yao only playing 26 minutes due to foul trouble.  And why can’t Kenny Smith pronounce your name?  Blame it on Ky-y-y-y-y-le Low-ow-ry (word to Jamie Foxx).  He can’t help creating some kind of new amalgamation of Lowrandry every single time.

6th Man Of The Night:

Eddie House — 31 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Most of this round’s 6th Man shine is on the battle between Jason Terry and J.R. Smith over in the Dallas/Denver series, but last night the spotlight was clearly on House.  Above and beyond his scoring output, his greatest contribution may have been getting under Rafer Alston’s skin enough to draw a head slap which looked like a very suspendable offense.  That leads to one question… will we get a Tyronn “The A.I. Stopper” Lue, appearance in Game 3?  Will he become the “Eddie House Stopper”?

The Rockets are viewed as the tough, agitators, but is it Kobe that is getting under their skin?  Ron-Ron spent a lot of time talking about him post-game, which could also just be a way to draw the refs’ attention to Kobe’s tactics.  One thing is for sure, after reviewing the tape, Kobe should not be suspended, as last night’s elbow was not as vicious joints on Manu, MIke Miller, etc… L.O.N. office playoff sub-plot — with the Nuggets now an “out of nowhere” title contender, two prop bets are in play.  1)  Total career titles by LeBron (The Tech Guy) vs. Melo (C.E.O.) and 2) Total career titles by Darko (The Unpaid Intern, not including Darko’s rookie title) vs. Melo (C.E.O.).  Yes, the Intern took Darko… F.B.I. arrests 37-year-old Cristal Taylor (she of 8 aliases) at the home of Dirk Nowitzki, on a theft charge and a probation violation.  What?  Is Dirk getting Anne Hathaway-ed?…

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Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…

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Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night AKA That Classic Ish Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 28 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals

If this series is on some classic, Black-Moon-Who-Got-Da-Props/Wu-C.R.E.A.M./Gang Starr-Premo-Take-It-Personal type ish, then Rondo is Biggie, coming out of that environment to take the crown.  But did Biggie ever roller skate?  In suspenders?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 77 points vs. Portland

Shane Battier — 4 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

One of the various Playoff color men quoted Battier as saying, “If I don’t score, we won’t win”.  Whoomp.  There it is.  Or even whoot.

Illadelph Sixers — 78 points vs. Orlando

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 24 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

In a pivotal Game 5, Howard and the Magic contract the Sixers and seem to take control of the series… except, Howard will most likely be suspended for that lilac get-up (not the elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s head, as widely reported) and their second-best player in the series — Courtney Lee — could miss Game 6 with his own head ailment.  7 For All Mankind?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 19 boards, 16 points, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  Kendrick creeping on a triple-double come up.  We pray for a K.G. miracle return, because, with him, the Ceatles starting lineup is so ridiculously hard body.  Sorry, Big Baby, once you and your BFF Tyrus Thomas have completed your “who can miss the most jumpshots” contest, get back to us.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

After Brad Meezy took that grill shot, Weezy and Juelz’s managers quickly contacted John Paxson to see if they could arrange a collabo.  But seriously, if he felt as messed up as he looked, shouldn’t they have let someone else shoot free throws?  If you lose the game, Vinny, then it does not matter if Miller is available for a 2nd OT.  Get somebody in there that can see straight.

Hey, Vinny, one other thing while we have you — maybe you should double Paul Pierce?  Or at least have Salmons stand directly to his right so he cannot shoot THE SAME SHOT 18,922 times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Frustration… Pop is probably regretting not unleashing George Hill a little earlier in this series.  He did not suffer from whatever ailed Roger Mason and Matt Bonner… Also, does R.C. Buford throw up in his mouth every time he sees a Luis Scola fist pump?… It is extremely hard for us to say this, but.  Um.  Well.  Watch… out… for… the.. [gulp]… Mavs?!?!?!?… But, FREE GERALD GREEN!!!!

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Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

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Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 38 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could hear C-Webb’s “French laugh” all the way over here on the Left Coast.  With new episodes of Desperate Housewives finally back on the air, guess Tony could concentrate on the matter at hand — the Playoffs.  He bounced back with a score-at-will performance in Game 2 to get the Spurs back on track.  This is the franchise that lost Game 1 in the opening round of each of their last 3 championship runs, so maybe it was simply part of the master plan.

Worst Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 14 points on 3-14 shooting, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Not only did the Dallas role players not bring it in Game 2, neither did the big guns, especially Dirk.  But no one is shocked by that, right?  At least he put up some shots, Josh Howard was completely Styles P out there.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 19 points, 16 assists, 12 boards, 5 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooondooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo was putting it down, getting it in, laying it down, whatever you want say, in Game 2. So while Derrick Rose did not repeat his absurd offensive Playoff debut, he did repeat in allowing Rondo to do pretty much whatever he wanted all game.  And that was in spite of a nasty looking leg turn near the end of the 1st half.  With Leon Powe set to miss some time, the C’s will be in serious trouble if that ankle knocks Rondo out for any amount of time.

Last Shot Wins Of The Night:

And Ray Allen and the Celtics got the last shot.  In a sick, sick mano-e-mano showcase down the stretch, Allen went head up against fellow Husky Ben Gordon.  Gordon was hot earlier and longer, but Allen was hot later and last.  Shouldn’t the Bulls have gotten the ball in Gordon’s hands at any cost for that last shot with 2 seconds left, even if it was a heave?

Sally’s Got A One Track Mind Of The Night:

Ben Gordon — 42 points, 1 board, 1 steal

“I’m focused, maaaan”.  It’s hard work to grab only 1 board in 44 minutes.

Coach Of The Year Of The Night:

Congrats to Mike Brown who lead the Cavs to the best record in the league this year to take down this award.  And by “lead the Cavs to the best record” we mean “had LeBron on his team.”  In related news, Joe Smith rapping the Cavs Playoff Anthem?  What?  Huh?  More on this to come…

What’s better, Brad Meezy doing the Tim Thomas-Tony Yayo-DeShawn Stevenson-I Can’t Feel My Face Hand, or Joakim Noah doing it after Meezy nails a three?… On 04/20, when Mike Fratello says that Drew Gooden is “a high energy player”, it has a whole ‘nother meaning.  Word to Asher Roth… Are those guys in the Heineken ad screaming for the beer, or screaming because they just saw that damn Popeye’s Chicken ad for the 3,912th time in one night?  It hurts our soul to see Starbury passing up open shots… Best-dressed on the C’s bench — K.G. or Scalabrine?… Can the sideline reporter PLEASE fills us in on the candy situation behind the Spurs’ bench?

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Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 27 points, 9 boards, 5 assists, 5 steals

Granger, again?  Aw yeah, again and again.  Dude is nasty.  Two straight L.O.N.nies nasty.  Unfortunately, at 8-16, looks like he and his Pacers are at least 1 year away from any sort of primetime love, but the true heads know.  And the Wiz fa sho know, after last night.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Just let C-Webb tell you.  Double R is getting it done, he’s getting it in, he’s getting in his bag, and he’s going in, too.  Can he grab an Eastern Conference All-Star guard spot?  D-Wade, A.I., Joe Johnson?  Devin Harris?  Jose Calderon?  Dare we say… Derrick Rose?  If Peezy is out for any time with this knee injury does he step it up and end all debate?  Will he get a quadruple-double this year, with a line that includes 10 behind-the-back pass fakes in one game?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Boris Diaw showcased his all-around game in this one, dropping 25 on his former team.  The Cats have no reliable 2nd option on offense, though, which caught up with them in the 4th quarter when they could only manage 11 points.  Maybe an improved D, but definitely a generally horrid offense.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Not only did rook Ryan Anderson drop a career-high 21 points to lead his Nets to a road win in the T-Dot last night, he also enjoyed an extra serving of the most important meal of the day.  After losing his man, who was shading towards Chris Bosh at the elbow extended,  Joey Graham received a pass in the corner, went baseline, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, RYAN!  Bet you never had a Canadian bacon, graham crackers sandwich, homey!

What is in Paul Millsap’s Wheaties bowl, lately?… J.R. Smith tied the Mavs, BY HIMSELF, in the the 4th quarter last night, 17-17.  The Garbageman strikes again… Yeah, that’s 15 in a row for Boston.  That’s a ratings bonanza if they can hold onto that until Christmas Day…