L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 36 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 2 steals

The MVP voting has already concluded, but Rose has only cemented the conventional wisdom thus far in the pre-season.  He is the Chicago offense.  Iditarod helped him out a little this game, but it was Rose driving, hitting the J, whatever the Bulls needed offensively, all game.  Impressive.

Worst Of The Night:

Somebody get that cameraman in Chicago that sprained Darren Collison’s ankle a copy of Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3.  Didn’t anybody tell him we off Timbos?  You have gotta be kidding us that a construction boot might have cost the Pacers a shot at a huge Playoff upset.  And why do all cameraman controversies have to involve the Bulls?

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Tyler Hansbrough — 6 points on 2-12 shooting

After a key performance in Game 1, Psycho T fell back to Earth, missing several open jumpers.  He was active as usual, impacting the game in the frantic way only he can, but the Pacers desperately needed a second scorer with Collison injured, and if one had materialized, we might be talking about a 1-1 series.  Game 3 will go a long way in establishing where Hansbrough fits in the playoff food chain.  Also, we blame him and his nickname for subliminally influencing Chris Webber to say “psyche” after one player’s fake.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers — 73 points vs. Miami

Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  Jumpshot, jumpshot, jumpshot, clang, clang, clang.  That was the Philly offense, especially in the first half.  Thaddeus Young and Evan Turner got a little loose off the bench, but that was about it.  Iguodala… what’s up, mane?  Why you gotta be so an-ti?

Plays Of The Night:

D-Wade putting young Evan Turner on skates with the crossover got the most hype, but give us that LeBron pass to Chris Bosh at the beginning of the 2nd quarter — a no look, bullet chest pass right on target.  So nasty.

Somebody owes Dick Stockton BIG, apparently.  That dude is officially senile, and still rocking the mic… Rick Adelman out as head coach of Rockets… Dang, Mike Miller.  Two thumb braces cannot be a good look for a shooter… T.J. Ford, A Love Story…  There is not much worse than the Iditarod side-to-side head roll celebration…  Where’s Baby?  Where’s  Weezy?  Ross?  Anybody other than Rony Seikaly?  Can someone please fill the gaping “NBA celebrities in the crowd coverage” hole?… Josh McRoberts needs to relax on all that goofy juice…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 14 assists, 7 boards, 4 steals

He played Pau Gasol and the entire Lakers D like a fiddle down the stretch.  One largely overlooked aspect of the recent “clutch” debate is that Paul is underrated in regards to clutch play.  He showed just how good he is in that phase of the game on Sunday, in a major way.  Kobe didn’t get a chance to add to his side of the argument one way or the other, as the Lakers were essentially already out of it in the final minutes.  However, he did show reason #4080 why he should not take those ridiculous double-teamed hero fadeaway jumpshots — he might get injured by the crowd (Yeah, we know he made it.  Irrelevant.  #resultsainteverything).

Line Of The Night Honorable Mention:

Derrick Rose — 39 points, 6 assists, 6 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Right when it seemed like the Pacers were almost young, dumb and just not giving a whut enough to pull this thing out, they showed that they were too young, too dumb and too not giving a whut.  They scored 1 point in the last 3-and-a-half minutes, and Rose brought that thang home.  Slow down son, you’re killin’ ‘em!

Worst Of The Night:

ESPN/ABC’s Playoffs music intro — We are not linking too it because we like our readers.  A Led Zeppelin cover band?  Nicole Scherzinger?  Huh?  C’mon ABC/ESPN.  There are more MC’s than dollars in the US deficit spitting NBA lyrics in their bars, and ya’ll still have not embraced Hip-Hop?  Disgraceful.

Near Ice Cube AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

Nice line, but we want is more of Ray Allen’s mom.  Ray Allen’s mom introduced with the starting lineups.  Cuts to Ray Allen’s mom after every one of his 3’s.  Ray Allen’s mom interviews at the end of every quarter.  Ray Allen’s mom interviewing HERSELF at the end of every quarter.  RAY.  ALLEN’S.  MOM!!!!!!
Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 46 points, 19 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

Gooooood lawd!  As good as he was, that is how bad his teammates (not named Jameer Nelson) were, on offense.  And these aren’t playoff newbies.  We are talking Hedo.  Jason Richardson.  Gilbert Arenas.  The list goes on.  Those guys won’t be as bad next game, but Howard probably won’t be as good, either.  The Hawks have at least established that they are not going out like they did last year.  No brooms here.

Near Beast Of The Night II:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 points, 2 blocks

Everybody’s upset pick ended up being one of the few series that held form during the opening weekend, despite Camby doing his thing.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is STAT/
S-T-A-T/
I used to dunk oops Steve Nash threw me/
I guess even back then you could call me/
Top chef of the breakfast club, STAT!/
Straight out of N-Y into the playoff fire/
I be the, Knicks #1 breakfast supplier/
Greasier than the plate of breakfast on my tray/
I got the smallest Boston O’Neal yelling my name/
That’s right, STAT/
Not D-O-C, but similar to them letters, no one can do it better/
I serve eggs and bacon like a struggling actress/
My homey ‘Melo told J-O, dude EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!
So that’s what you’re gonna do/
Take it back to Grover get his approval/
Fast forward to clean plate removal/
Let me tell you what I do to C’s old as pops/
Dunk on you cats like dunk contest props.

Injuries Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili, non-shooting elbow — This is the big one.  With the Spurs now down 0-1 to the Grizzlies, they need to get it done now.  He was begging to play Sunday, so we are betting he is out there next game as the Spurs try to even this one up.  The Spurs had Game 1 almost in the bag, got good looks, but did not knock them down.  Manu might change that up a taste.

Chauncey Billups, strained knee — The Knicks battled the C’s to the end in Game 1, but if Chauncey can’t play going forward?  Lights out.

Arron Afflalo, hamstring — The Nuggets struggled mightily in end of the game situations, and Afflalo was a guy that was starting to show signs of clutchness during the regular season.  He could have a huge impact on their series against OKC if he can get out there on the court.  Raymond Felton has the mentality of a clutch dude, just not quite the skill level required.

Shaq O’Neal, calf — Does it matter?  He had to eat his breakfast, but Jermaine O’Neal definitely came up big for the C’s in Game 1.  There is no team with a center match-up requiring Shaq’s services until a potential Finals matchup, so there is really no rush here.  Stop talking about his return as if it’s the key to end of the face tattoo scourge.

Aaron Gray, ankle — That was a nasty freeze frame.  Chris Paul named him his MVP of the Hornets’ Game 1 upset of the Lake Show, and he provides much needed size against the Lakers’ huge frontline.  If Pau Gasol keeps playing like he did, though, they probably don’t need him.  But don’t count on that.

Story Checks Out (Word To Huff & Stapes) Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer?  M.I.A. in the Playoffs.

Jarrett Jack?  Playoff baller.

Denver?  No go-to scorer in the clutch.  And it cost them Game 1.

Andre Iguodala missed a Near Triple-Double because he only managed 4 points?  That’s Jason Kidd type stuff right there… Doc’s clipboard X’s and O’s?  Game tight…  Everywhere you look there is a dang dookie on the court, this off-season.  Danny Green, stand up… Not sure how informative or useful it is, but give us more of Kenny Smith standing in front of that life-size telestrator, becoming part of the replay… Monty Williams tie off, and it’s on to the next… Has Roy Hibbert shown enough to get Hakeem’s cellphone number for a little summer workout session action?…  Honorable mention Eat Your Breakfast goes to Nene on Ibaka.  Ibaka had sent back to me many other orders throughout the game to get on him to hard, though… Best believe the L.O.N. offices will have the Tyler Hansbrough steal/dunk “Champion Of The World!!!” celebration looped on the office big screen once we can get our hands on video that does it justice.  This is all we have so far… Hey, Frank Vogel — TIMEOUT!!!!… Hey, Nic Batum — PASS THE BALL!!!!… Hey, refs — STOP CALLING SO MANY FOULS!!!…

The NBA.  It’s Fan-tastic.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

Last night’s game was a nightmare for Lakers-haters far and wide.  Mr. Cryant balled out (wow… the “throw it off the board to myself” play?), made his annoying celebratory faces and obnoxiously told Shane Battier about it throughout the entire affair.  He elbowed Ron Artest in the throat, only to have Artest get called for the foul and eventually get ejected.  Then public enemy number two or three — Derek Fisher — committed a crazily dirty foul on Luis Scola.  The only thing that could have made it worse for Anti-Laker Nation would have been Sasha Vujacic doing anything worthwhile on the court, and therefore getting more face time.

Lakers took this one down, but in our opinion, the Chuckster summed up the rest of this series best, when he asked, “Can Kobe do this 3 more times?”  ‘Cause that might be what it takes.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points, 12 boards, 1 assist, 0 blocks

That ain’t Superman, that ain’t Defensive Player Of The Year, that ain’t nothing.  Maybe Underdog?  Hancock?  Handi-Man?  Tiny Avenger?  Head Detective?  That last one definitely made no sense but a Head Detective reference cannot be denied.  And Head Detective would’ve had at least 2 blocks.

Larry Bird Of The Night AKA Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 18 assists, 15 points, 11 boards, 2 assists

We tried to tell ya’ll on the last joint that Rondo woke up mid-way through last game.  Ya’ll don’t even gotta go to summer school!  Just pick up that L.O.N. double thread post.  It’ll be all the wisdom you need.

Artestism Of The Night:

Ron Artest has been killing the post-game interviews in the Playoffs, and last night was no different:

“I remember when I used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that.  I remember one time it was one of my friends he was playing basketball, they was running a game.  It was so competitive they broke a piece of leg from a table and then threw it.  It went right through his heart and he died, right on the court.  So I’m accustomed to playing basketball really rough.”

Rough?  You think?  Were you playing with vampires, Ron?  Was Buffy running point?  Blade puttin’ up triple-doubles from the 3-spot?  Count Chocula with a mean post-game?

Unexpected Double-Double Of The Night:

Carl Landry — 21 points, 10 boards

Nice, but not quite enough to make up for Yao only playing 26 minutes due to foul trouble.  And why can’t Kenny Smith pronounce your name?  Blame it on Ky-y-y-y-y-le Low-ow-ry (word to Jamie Foxx).  He can’t help creating some kind of new amalgamation of Lowrandry every single time.

6th Man Of The Night:

Eddie House — 31 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Most of this round’s 6th Man shine is on the battle between Jason Terry and J.R. Smith over in the Dallas/Denver series, but last night the spotlight was clearly on House.  Above and beyond his scoring output, his greatest contribution may have been getting under Rafer Alston’s skin enough to draw a head slap which looked like a very suspendable offense.  That leads to one question… will we get a Tyronn “The A.I. Stopper” Lue, appearance in Game 3?  Will he become the “Eddie House Stopper”?

The Rockets are viewed as the tough, agitators, but is it Kobe that is getting under their skin?  Ron-Ron spent a lot of time talking about him post-game, which could also just be a way to draw the refs’ attention to Kobe’s tactics.  One thing is for sure, after reviewing the tape, Kobe should not be suspended, as last night’s elbow was not as vicious joints on Manu, MIke Miller, etc… L.O.N. office playoff sub-plot — with the Nuggets now an “out of nowhere” title contender, two prop bets are in play.  1)  Total career titles by LeBron (The Tech Guy) vs. Melo (C.E.O.) and 2) Total career titles by Darko (The Unpaid Intern, not including Darko’s rookie title) vs. Melo (C.E.O.).  Yes, the Intern took Darko… F.B.I. arrests 37-year-old Cristal Taylor (she of 8 aliases) at the home of Dirk Nowitzki, on a theft charge and a probation violation.  What?  Is Dirk getting Anne Hathaway-ed?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night AKA That Classic Ish Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 28 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals

If this series is on some classic, Black-Moon-Who-Got-Da-Props/Wu-C.R.E.A.M./Gang Starr-Premo-Take-It-Personal type ish, then Rondo is Biggie, coming out of that environment to take the crown.  But did Biggie ever roller skate?  In suspenders?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 77 points vs. Portland

Shane Battier — 4 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

One of the various Playoff color men quoted Battier as saying, “If I don’t score, we won’t win”.  Whoomp.  There it is.  Or even whoot.

Illadelph Sixers — 78 points vs. Orlando

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 24 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

In a pivotal Game 5, Howard and the Magic contract the Sixers and seem to take control of the series… except, Howard will most likely be suspended for that lilac get-up (not the elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s head, as widely reported) and their second-best player in the series — Courtney Lee — could miss Game 6 with his own head ailment.  7 For All Mankind?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 19 boards, 16 points, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  Kendrick creeping on a triple-double come up.  We pray for a K.G. miracle return, because, with him, the Ceatles starting lineup is so ridiculously hard body.  Sorry, Big Baby, once you and your BFF Tyrus Thomas have completed your “who can miss the most jumpshots” contest, get back to us.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

After Brad Meezy took that grill shot, Weezy and Juelz’s managers quickly contacted John Paxson to see if they could arrange a collabo.  But seriously, if he felt as messed up as he looked, shouldn’t they have let someone else shoot free throws?  If you lose the game, Vinny, then it does not matter if Miller is available for a 2nd OT.  Get somebody in there that can see straight.

Hey, Vinny, one other thing while we have you — maybe you should double Paul Pierce?  Or at least have Salmons stand directly to his right so he cannot shoot THE SAME SHOT 18,922 times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Frustration… Pop is probably regretting not unleashing George Hill a little earlier in this series.  He did not suffer from whatever ailed Roger Mason and Matt Bonner… Also, does R.C. Buford throw up in his mouth every time he sees a Luis Scola fist pump?… It is extremely hard for us to say this, but.  Um.  Well.  Watch… out… for… the.. [gulp]… Mavs?!?!?!?… But, FREE GERALD GREEN!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 7 assists, 5 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that is the Playoff D-Wade everyone expected.  But if hitting a million 3’s and getting Retro J.O. is what it takes for the Heat to win a game, they might be in trouble for the rest of this series.

Worst Of The Night:

Flip Murray — 4-15 for 15 points

This is not necessarily a criticism of Flip.  What we are confused about is Marvin Williams only getting 19 minutes while Flip struggles.  FREE MARVIN WILLIAMS!!!  And where’s Joe Johnson?  Did he and Marvin get put in the cage with Spirit the Hawk?

Rookie Of The Night:

Courtney Lee — 24 points, 3 boards, 3 steals, 1 assist

A career-high in your first “must win” Playoff game?  Baller.  After Derrick Rose struggled just a little in his 2nd game, it could be argued that Lee is now on top of the P.R.O.Y. standings.  However, the Magic may need even more out of young fella if they want to take this series.  Despite what may look like a comfortable margin of victory, they probably got a little lucky in this one.  They still did not look all that great, and if Philly had any type of 4th scorer (only 3 guys had more than 5 points), the Magic might be in a big hole.  Dwight Howard only 4-6 for 11 points?  Hmmm.

We May Have A Challenger Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups — 31 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

After a second consecutive dominating performance by the Chauncey-led Nuggets, have we found our Western Conference challenger to the Lakers?  As the Playoffs unfold, the Lake Show’s path is looking considerably tougher.

Thanks For The Memories Of The Night:

We love you Dik.  Dikembe Mutombo’s distinguished NBA career came to an end during Game 2 of the Houston/Portland series on Wednesday, and he will be missed.  Everyone is coming out with their favorite Dik stories and memories and here are a few of ours: one Christmas he sang various Christmas carols with a Santa hat on for the network broadcasting the Christmas Day games… the iconic image of him laying on ground clutching the ball after a first round playoff upset way back in his Denver days… the unmatched humanitarian work…

While we know he’ll have better stuff to do to keep himself busy, we would love it if he were given an honorary bench spot/cheerleader role for one Playoff team each year.

Orange plastic shirt court-side in A-T-L… With Josh Smith’s shove-down of Jamaal Magloire and the general chippiness in the Denver/N’Awlins series, we are getting closer and closer to our first automatic 1-game “leaving the bench” suspension of the ‘09 Playoffs… Thaddeous Young is on the verge of Revolutionary status — dude is niiiice… We’d pay to watch Andre Miller and Anthony Johnson fight for rebounds…  Wow, Mike Miller won R.O.Y.?  Maybe we’ve been around too long if we’re forgetting major awards like that taken down on our watch… Chauncey has the fast-break, left-handed, behind-the-back pass in his arsenal?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 38 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

We could hear C-Webb’s “French laugh” all the way over here on the Left Coast.  With new episodes of Desperate Housewives finally back on the air, guess Tony could concentrate on the matter at hand — the Playoffs.  He bounced back with a score-at-will performance in Game 2 to get the Spurs back on track.  This is the franchise that lost Game 1 in the opening round of each of their last 3 championship runs, so maybe it was simply part of the master plan.

Worst Of The Night:

Dirk Nowitzki — 14 points on 3-14 shooting, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Not only did the Dallas role players not bring it in Game 2, neither did the big guns, especially Dirk.  But no one is shocked by that, right?  At least he put up some shots, Josh Howard was completely Styles P out there.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 19 points, 16 assists, 12 boards, 5 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooondooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo was putting it down, getting it in, laying it down, whatever you want say, in Game 2. So while Derrick Rose did not repeat his absurd offensive Playoff debut, he did repeat in allowing Rondo to do pretty much whatever he wanted all game.  And that was in spite of a nasty looking leg turn near the end of the 1st half.  With Leon Powe set to miss some time, the C’s will be in serious trouble if that ankle knocks Rondo out for any amount of time.

Last Shot Wins Of The Night:

And Ray Allen and the Celtics got the last shot.  In a sick, sick mano-e-mano showcase down the stretch, Allen went head up against fellow Husky Ben Gordon.  Gordon was hot earlier and longer, but Allen was hot later and last.  Shouldn’t the Bulls have gotten the ball in Gordon’s hands at any cost for that last shot with 2 seconds left, even if it was a heave?

Sally’s Got A One Track Mind Of The Night:

Ben Gordon — 42 points, 1 board, 1 steal

“I’m focused, maaaan”.  It’s hard work to grab only 1 board in 44 minutes.

Coach Of The Year Of The Night:

Congrats to Mike Brown who lead the Cavs to the best record in the league this year to take down this award.  And by “lead the Cavs to the best record” we mean “had LeBron on his team.”  In related news, Joe Smith rapping the Cavs Playoff Anthem?  What?  Huh?  More on this to come…

What’s better, Brad Meezy doing the Tim Thomas-Tony Yayo-DeShawn Stevenson-I Can’t Feel My Face Hand, or Joakim Noah doing it after Meezy nails a three?… On 04/20, when Mike Fratello says that Drew Gooden is “a high energy player”, it has a whole ‘nother meaning.  Word to Asher Roth… Are those guys in the Heineken ad screaming for the beer, or screaming because they just saw that damn Popeye’s Chicken ad for the 3,912th time in one night?  It hurts our soul to see Starbury passing up open shots… Best-dressed on the C’s bench — K.G. or Scalabrine?… Can the sideline reporter PLEASE fills us in on the candy situation behind the Spurs’ bench?