L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Ayo, why none of the L.O.N.’s ever have an intro?

We’ve heard the outcries.  “No All-Star coverage from L.O.N.?  What’s the dealie, dunn?”  We know, we know.  But on Sunday evening, as the All-Star Game commenced, disaster struck.  Devin Harris and Chris Bridges AKA Ludacris, who are actually the same person, converged upon the same location at the same time, causing a space/time continuum rift which resulted in the complete destruction of the L.O.N. offices.  No staffers were injured, but equipment was lost.  We’re back, but to recover, we underwent the complete Hamiltonization Process, plus about 18 more mixtapes your boy Charles Hamilton has dropped.  So without further ado, we present L.O.N. — HamiL.tO.N.ized.  It’s Charles HamiL.tO.N.

Line Of The Night A.K.A. Toy Story Of The Night:

Sebastian Telfair — 30 points, 8 assists, 1 board, 1 steal

That’s a career night.

“Unfair, hell yeah, I’m lookin’/At Brooklyn, I’m Telfair”, Charles Hamilton, “Toy Story”, Crash Landed

Brooklyn Girls Of The Night AKA The L Word Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 20 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Just know this — Charles has already made the move from Cleveland to the Big Apple.  Although the proposed Brooklyn move for the Nets may be dead, the idea was fun while it lasted.  The Brooklyn girls (and boys) are the real losers, since The King is probably gonna be balling out in 2010 regardless of his destination.

Sonic The Hamilton Of The Night AKA Near Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 18 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when the opposing team has a 2 guard (Spencer Hawes) masquerading as a center.

Crash Landed Of The Night AKA Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Dot-O — 76 points vs. Cleveland

Jay Triano:  “Shawn — you are supposed to help YOUR team’s offense, and defend the OTHER guys.”  Shawn:  “Oh, really?  Thought it was reversed in Canada.  You know, how the toilet spins the other way in Australia?”

The Raptors do like Charles said, and Stay On Their Level, in Shawn Marion’s debut.

Well Isn’t This Awkward Of The Night:

Welcome back, Tyson.  After failing his physical due to an old toe injury, the trade that would have sent Mr. Chandler to OKC to team with Kevin Durant and the boys was rescinded.  Ironically, OKC’s team doctor that made this ruling, was the same guy that originally performed the surgery on Chandler’s toe.  He hasn’t played recently due to an ankle injury, but if he can come back from that this season, the Hornets can still do some damage.  The seemingly unstoppable Chris Paul to Chandler oop combo is back in full effizzect.

Tyson had this to say, speaking to reporters in the Crescent City:

“Hated or not I am great and I’m about to get/Greater, hit the pager (Peja) like I play with Stojakovic”  (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Then he proceeded, staring directly at owner George Shinn as the word “traitor” dropped from his lips:

“Baby girl I’m ballin’/Kinda like the Lakers/If you a traitor like Shaq then see ya later, player” (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Not-So-Pleasant Overthinking Of The Night:

Amar’e Stoudemire — 42 points, 11 boards, 1 assist

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, guys, check this out.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, let’s slow it down and go hard on D.”  [Silence and the pall of death descend upon the Phoenix metropolitan area]

My Brain Is Alive Of The Night:

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, I think I figured it out, guys.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, I think we should just keep running.  It probably fits our personnel the best, even with the addition of Shaq.”  PHX 140, LAC 100.  PHX 142, LAC 119.

truth kills opposition (Love TKO) Of The Night:

“Sonic, my team is where the good Shawn Kemp is”, Charles Hamilton, “truth kills opposition (Love TKO)”, My Brain Is Alive

Damn, remember when it all made sense?  Back when Seattle had a team?  Now we got a another non-plural team with a jibbing an jiving bison mascot that can’t dunk?  That’s a love TKO.

Every D-Wade Ex-Girlfriend’s Worse Nightmare Of The Night:

This is on some straight personal life gossip type ish that we probably shouldn’t even be talking about, but damn, it fit the theme way too well.  Check track #10 titled Siohvaughn:  During their divorce proceedings, D-Wade’s wife first accused him of giving her a STD that he had supposedly contracted during an extra-marital affair.  Now that accusation has been retracted, and D-Wade is counter suing for defamation.  Based on this MVP-level output, he’s for sure on some ol’ “the court is my sanctuary” type ish with all this off-court drama swirling.

The Death Of The Mixtape Rapper Of The Night AKA The Death Of The Braided Baller Of The Night:

Like K.G. said (and Chris Rock originally, then Jay, don’t act like we don’t know), first the Fat Boys break up, then Allen Iverson cuts his hair, now Ben Wallace!  Now that ‘Froed Ben Pistons bobblehead’s value is about to shoot through the roof.  On top of the hair cut, Big Ben experienced another cut, requiring 14 stitches after crashing his arm through a car window while playing street football.  He had this to say:

“The window didn’t bleed. I don’t think it was made to bleed. That (he didn’t make the catch) was the biggest disappointment,” Wallace said. “I dropped the ball. That’s good D.”

AND the Clippers cut Cheikh Samb — another braider.

Staff Development Of The Night:

It is trading season and even though Chris Wilcox and Joe Smith remain in Oklahoma, some deals did go down:

Lakers get:

A conditional 2nd Round 2013 pick

Memphis gets:

Chris Mihm
Cash Considerations

Just before hanging up the phone, Mitch Kupchak said to Chris Wallace, “Now we’re all square on that Pau Gasol rape last year, right?”

Chicago gets:

Brad Mizzle
John Salmons

Sacramento gets:

Ike Diogu
Drew Gooden
Andres Nocioni

Portland gets:

Michael Ruffin

So Chicago traded some mediocre guys for some different but still mediocre guys and the accountants in Portland and Sacramento are apparently happier.  Moving on.

Intervention Of The Night:

When Zach Randolph “shoved” (we say punched) Louis Amundson Tuesday night, it seemed like simply another knucklehead move from a career knucklehead.  He is a Spartan, after all.  But hey, Zach defended his actions because Louis “almost kissed me in my mouth”, so all is forgiven, right?  Well, maybe not, but like Guru said, “Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge/You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of”.  Never have these words been truer, as upon hearing about his 2-game suspension, Randolph immediately left for Indianapolis to be with his ailing father.  Hold your head, Z-Bo.

Injuries Of The Night AKA Outside Looking Of The Night:

It seemed like guys were dropping like flies on Wednesday.  T-Mac announced his season will be lost to the dreaded microfracture procedure, Danny Granger played only 10 minutes against the Bobcats before hearing (and probably feeling) a “pop” in his foot, and Philly felt the injury bug too with Dre Miller succumbing to a calf injury.  But have no fear, Brian Scalabrine should be back in green Thursday night.

Wishbones, Horseshoes, and Basketball AKA NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“And I am the mic(Mike), ya’ll some Pippen mo’erfuckas”, “Supersonic’s First Freestyle”, Death Of The Mixtape Rapper
“But I’m Bobby at Knight, so I choke her for fun/Better yet Sprewell when I’m choking the coach”, “Ambitions Of Musicians”, Crash Landed
“Rap MJ and I got that Game 6 handle”, “I’m Good (Bret Hart)”, It’s Charles Hamilton
“I Jordan leap to the sky”, “Psycho Bitch”, Well Isn’t This Awkward

He’s Charles Hamilton.  The inspiration.


I Go Crazy AKA NBA Gametime Of The Night:

“You can’t stand him, the kid is Gary Payton/I’m in L.A. but now I’m gonna move”, Charles Hamilton, “DJ Reflex Power 106 Freestyle”, Crash Landed

“Don’t get too enthusiastic, curb it quick/Larry David to you Gary Paytons/You ain’t really work for yours, but I’m sure you’re happy waitin’”, Charles Hamilton, “Supersonicevents”, Sonic The Hamilton

Dang, that’s harsh!  Well, even if GP didn’t “work for his” in Miami.  He is definitely working for his now.  GP AND C-WEBB ON THEIR JABBAWOCKEE GRIZZLY??!!?!?!!  Ridic.

Mike Miller JUST misses Near Triple-Double status with a 9/9/7, and the 7 was points?!?!?!?!… The Chuckster back in the house tomorrow night.  But did they really rob us the viewing opportunity of another awkward and serious Ernie Johnson/Charles Barkley isolated stool interview?  Seems like that interview already happened.  Air it!  The people need an explanation!.. Hell hath no fury like an Alvin Gentry scorned… Zoolander on the move?  Wally Sizzur benched for Tarence Kinsey.  A healthy scratch, per se…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 47 points, 7 boards, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

The Takover.  This performance made it 28.6 to 28.4, LeBron over D-Wade, in the scoring title race.  But with the Cavs taking an L, maybe he tones this back a little in the next few games.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 27 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 blocks

Ask Brook, he don’t want it with Dunc, noooooooooooooooo.  The Spurs went to Dirty Jers and issued a typically metronomic beat down on the Nets.  Can the Red Rocket drop 20 in a playoff game though?  Can the Lakers survive not one, but two, red-headed wonders in the Playoffs?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 18 boards, 12 points, 2 steals, 1 assist, 1 block

Odom is definitely back on his grizzly with Andrew Bynum sidelined.  It could easily be argued that the Lakers will only go as far as L-Eezy can take them, at this point.

Shades Of Gray Of The Night:

Everybody wants to make Denver’s resurgence a black-and-white, Chauncey vs. A.I. issue, but can we spread the credit around a little bit?  Nene’s career year cannot be undersold.  His presence has at the least replaced Marcus Camby, and perhaps his style is an even better fit.  Also in the post, while K-Mart’s stats are virtually identical to last year, he looks way more athletic and energized this year.  And don’t forget, A.I.’s talent so flummoxed Coach Karl that he was in full on hibernation mode right up until Billups arrived in Denver.

Slot Machine Of The Night:

Javaris Crittenton — 7 points, 7 assists, 7 boards, 1 steal

Nice little game from the young man, but still off the bench, and still in another depressing 20+ point loss for the Wiz, this time to the Hawks.  What happened to that team?  And really, why not let young Crittenton run wild?  It’s really that important to have Mike James starting?

A League Of Their Own Of The Night:

Did Antonio McDyess set a hard screen on Derrick Rose or did he steal his Gummi Bears?  That was a Glen Davis level bawling performance from Rose, on the bench.  Then on NBA TV, Chris Webber was absolutely merciless on the young fella!  Comparing him to cowardly lion?  Wow.  We need a YouTube montage.

Mo Williams finally is named to the East All-Star squad after Chris Bosh bowed out due to a minor knee injury.  Can everyone stop with the whining now?  Just because your TEAM is good, Cleveland, does not automatically mean you deserve a 2nd All-Star…  Forget the LeBron/Granger foul madness.  T. J. FORD.  Thank you… Birdman, please do not be seriously hurt.  The Birdman is fly in any weather!… Well, it was fun while it lasted, Minnesota… The Pistons are a sad, sad shell for their former selves… Hey, Rodney — NEVER.  FOUL.  THE.  THREE.  POINT.  SHOOTER.  That is all… Any team with a bad record should be forced to run.  Maybe the team in the lottery with the most possessions per game gets the number 1 pick?  That G-State/Knicks game was that deal… First with the super hero-like call of Dwwwyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade after every home make, and now the Captain America face bandage?… Was MJ wearing a pool table felt at Johnny Kerr’s ceremony?…  J.R. Smith to replace Rudy Gay in dunk contest.  If you’re like us and can’t get enough of young Earl Smith, III, feast your eyes on this Top 100 Dunks…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 52 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 blocks

No question on this one.  The Kobe-hating part of our office wanted the King to go for at least 62.  However, the side of the office that likes sunshine and carefree frolicking, was excited LeBron put HIS signature on the game.  A triple-double is more his style.  And 52 points + 11*2(at least) = 74 points.  So he accounted for more offense than Kobe’s 61 and 3 anyway, right?

But on the reel-to-reels, these inflated stat lines should not be getting as much play as they are, since they are coming against the D’Antoni Knicks.  After all, this is the same system that produced the two sham Steve Nash MVPs.  Shouldn’t the Knicks be angry the League’s stars look at the them as the team they are going to try and set records against?

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Wow, his first one?  He has been close before, but he finally did it, Brooklyn, last night against the Suns in a victory.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jermaine O’Neal — 22 points, 9 boards, 9 blocks, 4 assists

Almost the rarely seen triple-double with blocks.  It was not enough to help the Raptors shine some light on their disappointing season, however, as they took a home L to the Lakers.  Biggest bust team in the League this year, right?  Somebody please get Anthony Parker in the Playoffs, though.  Really.  On a legit contender, preferably.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“When they see you coming down and you outta luck/They gon look at you and say that clown/gassed up, you can hear it when he talkin’/Scored a couple points and now he thinkin’ he Jordan”, “Amnesia”

Pa-poose, pa-poose.  This joint is fire.  It’s over a classic Sade beat, and Pap goes in.

Everybody’s talking about an economic stimulus plan, but what we want from Barack is some sort of stimulus to get Papoose or Saigon to put out an official album.  Soon.

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq on his new intro ritual:

“‘The guys holding me up are called ‘The LPC,” O’Neal declared. ‘The Levitation Process Crew. It’s because I levitate above all competition. And of course, because there is no such thing as levitation, I need a Levitation Process Crew. This Gentleman in my Arms,” he said pointing at Alando Tucker, “shows that we have trust in each other because he’s just diving into my arms - and I just want to let him know that I got his back. It’s a symbol of trust.’”

Keep ‘em coming, Shaq.

Honestly, Give Durant The Ball In Crunch Time Of The Night:

Looks like every time Denver and OKC get together it’s gonna go to right to the end, culminating in some manner of spectacularity.  Last night Carmelo came out on top again, hitting a ridiculous runner.  We are still angry though, that Kevin Durant’s teammates do not fully realize the capo status he has attained.  GIVE THE MAN THE BALL!  In the final few minutes, Russell Westbrook actually waved him off, then ended up shooting a fadeway jumper that had absolutely no chance!  Come on, ya’ll.  Let the man live.

The Pistons took down the Heat in a battle for Eastern Conference mediocrity supremacy.  Good, close game, too… How gross does this Hornets team look without CP3?… Jay-Z, Mr. Barber.  Mr. Barber, Jay-Z…

It was official Clinton Sparks/SmashTime night in the NBA on Friday, with 5 out of the 9 games ending in 20+ point blowouts.  But at least the late night jawns were “burn-barners” as the Chuckster might say.

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 46 points, 15 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

We are not completely on Gary Payton’s side (that would probably be difficult anyway, considering it was unclear exactly what his point was for much of his Thursday night All-Star discourse), but at least for this night, we are going with individual performance over winning.  Eric Gordon put up 41 for the winning Clip Joint, but score was essentially all he did.  Durant added the boards, AND went 24-26 from the free throw line!  If it’s not this year, his double-digit All-Star streak will start soon enough.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rafer Alston — 17 points, 8 boards, 8 assists

With Yao tweaking his knee early in the game, not even this all-around effort from Skip was enough for the Rockets to win in Indiana.

LeBron James — 32 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

And the buzzer-beater to silence the rowdy Oakland fans.

Stephen Jackson — 24 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This game was hard to watch for the first three quarters.  There were a ton of fouls and not much flow.  The the 4th quarter happened.   Tight game, up-and-down, and in the final minute the King and the Captain went shot for shot.  LeBron got the last shot though, spoiling Monta Ellis’ return.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Phoenix Suns — 76 points vs. Charlotte

This is the type of game that makes the average sports fan hate the NBA.  A lot of Charlotte fans probably came to this game or watched on TV, excited to see guys like Shaq, Amar’e, Nash, etc. and then the entire Suns roster simply rolled over (we’d mention the Bucks/Hawks blowout, but we’re guessing ATLiens were not fired up to see if Joe Alexander could register on ‘Nique’s Dunk-O-Meter).  Not even Jason Richardson could get inspired to play against his old team.  Of course, as bad as this game was, it was probably more interesting than whatever you want to call what Jake Delhomme did a couple of weeks back.  The Bobcats took advantage, for sure, and it was never a contest.  They are now creepin’ on a playoff come up.

Warning Sign Of The Night:

Ricky Davis — 11 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals, 1 block, 1 point

1 point and 11 assists for Ricky Davis?  We are honestly worried about Ricky’s mental state now.

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

East:

Allen Iverson
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Kevin Garnett
Dwight Howard

West:

Chris Paul
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan
Amare Stoudemire
Yao Ming

All-in-all, we think the fans got it pretty much right, this year.  Hard to come up with strong arguments against any of these selections.  Would have been interesting to see if David Stern would have allowed the Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen selections, though.

What Is Gary Payton Talking About Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 30 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 4 blocks

Really?  Not an All-Star starter, GP?

Has Dwight Howard been watching the Shawn Kemp post-shot celebration how-to video?  You know, the Cleveland years, when Kemp would add a little flourish to even the simplest of plays?  Howard is borrowing heavily from Shaq as well, for the specifics.  He’s giving the post-dunk crouch-face, the hand stare after a shot… Maybe Dr. Ruth taught him… Now that Alonzo Mourning retired, can we also retire those annoying Gatorade ads in which he brags about his golf game?… Must see tv:  C-Webb and GP talk Nene wedding plans… We think we like this year’s all-star unis.  Or our expectations so low now anything would have impressed us?  And the Mailroom Supervisor tells us not to buy in to this “improves your vertical by 4%” nonsense…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 34 points, 6 boards, 3 assists

Lakers.  8-1.  Sickly talented.  Deal with it.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 20 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

This is a nice line with a couple skeletons in the closet.  Those would be 5-18 shooting and 5 turnovers!  The Warriors won though, so all is forgiven.  The real issue is whether or not we should give in and enjoy this Anthony Morrow young’n?  The shot is sweet… but will Nellie soon bury him on the bench with no remorse?  Or is this a real breakout?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

With Murph grabbing 19 Rodmans (yeah, we’re some old heads), and Rasho Nesterovic dropping a ridic 21 points, 7 boards, 5 dimes, 3 blocks and 2 steals line, you might hazard a guess that the Hawks’ big man Al Horford left this one early on, with an ankle injury.  After this, their 4th straight L, looks like the wheels are falling in the A-T-L both literally (Al and Josh Smith out with ankle/foot injuries) and figuratively.  Ya’ll better keep some security ’round the players lot.

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Battle?  Chris Bosh.  War?  Dwight Howard and the Magic.

Rookie Of The Night:

Greg Oden — 22 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that’s how you do it like a G O!

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Magic City Monday, yes she the-yere/Trying to catch a number of a couple more players/One from the Hawks and, one from the Braves and/the NBA types she want nothing but athletes”

That’s from Killer Mike’s “Delilah”, part of his Sunday Morning Massacre series.  Question… the young lady he’s talking about… is she on her way to a different city as a result of this losing streak?

Brian Scalabrine for mayor.  But really, why is USC home of the red-headed male?  Do they have a scholarship program?  A research project?  What?… LeBron James, youngest player to 11,000 career points…  Also youngest player to be “good friends” with a Hip-Hop mogul that happens to be a part owner of a team in arguably the most important market for the league… Tyler Zeller was probably cursed the second he stepped inside Chapel Hill city limits.  Dude looks just like Duke’s mascot!…