L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 35 points, 2 boards, 2 assists

The Ray Allen jump shot is still such a beautiful sight, event after all these years.  The Ceatles needed every last one of them against the Pacers, as this season’s giant killers almost struck again, before falling in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 22 points, 20 boards, 2 assists

The Suns used this effort to tough out a 2 point win over the Jazz.  Isn’t there a whole lotta complaining and bickering in Phoenix for a team that really isn’t in that bad of shape?

Kevin Garnett — 20 boards, 17 points, 5 steals, 4 assists, 1 block

One other note on the Boston OT win.  Why was the Indiana offense run through Rasho Nesterovic during OT?  Give it to Granger, already.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 14 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

This versatile Vinsanity voyage vaulted the Nets to victory over the Sixers.  With a winning record about a fourth of the way into the season… dare we mention the “P” word for Dirty Jerse?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 7 blocks, 3 assists, 2 steals

How a coach on a bad team that is going nowhere can survive a completely uninspired blowout loss at home to the Clippers is beyond us, in this day and age of the light speed spinning coaching carousel.  But as of the writing of this, Randy Wittman remains the captain of this long past sunken ship.  (Update:  Wittman out, Kevin McHale takes over).  In related news, a bit of a terrible team round robin tourney took place, with the Clip Joint visiting Memphis Friday, followed by Minnesota on Saturday.  We needed a Memphis/Minnesota matchup to truly set things off, but with a little middle school geometry, we can crown Minnesota as the second worst team in the West.  Congratulations.

David Lee — 19 boards, 12 points, 3 assists

Must be the new hairdo.  We’ll call it the fratboy mohawk.  Lee and the Knicks mauled the Pistons on Sunday, right from jump street.  Blame Iverson or Coach Curry?  The coach does not look like a good fit, to us, so far.  And his abrasive (although often true) interview comments, may not work well, for long.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Cleveland

The Cavs’ absolutely smothering D was on display, highlighted by 10 blocks, including one of LeBron’s now patented from-behind-layup blocks on Raymond Felton.  Cleveland has now won 8 straight games, all by double digits.  They are “in their bag”, currently, as Freeway might tell you.

Rookie Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 30 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Ok, dude is officially freed and can officially get it done on the NBA level, although he does still need to figure out how to reign it in a bit, out there.  While the Outlaws still lost to the Heat, it was only by 6, and almost has to count for something with a team this bad.  Maybe if Westbrook had lived up to his supposed defensive rep, and held D-Wade to less than 38, they might have actually pulled one out.

Interview Of The Night:

David Duchovny was interviewed at halftime of Sunday’s Knicks/Pistons game as part of a segment called “Gimme A Minute with Jill Martin”.  Pure comedy.  First, she messes up the air date when mentioning the season finale of his show, Californication.  No, wait, back up.  FIRST, there are the litany of “I bet he would like a minute with Jill Martin” jokes, given his sex addict status.  But we’ll let you fill in your own punchline with that situation.  Second, she asks if the show might move to a New York location, to which he politely replies, “It’s hard to shoot a show called Californication in New York.”  Awesome.  She doesn’t even bat an eye, though, before mentioning he used to be a “balla”… sounding completely ridiculous.  And just to add to the “what in the hell is going here?” factor, a wheelchair basketball game is going on in the background!  Amazing.

Bobby Brown with the rare 360 wrong-hand lay-up.  Interesting…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 34 points, 6 boards, 3 assists

Lakers.  8-1.  Sickly talented.  Deal with it.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 20 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

This is a nice line with a couple skeletons in the closet.  Those would be 5-18 shooting and 5 turnovers!  The Warriors won though, so all is forgiven.  The real issue is whether or not we should give in and enjoy this Anthony Morrow young’n?  The shot is sweet… but will Nellie soon bury him on the bench with no remorse?  Or is this a real breakout?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

With Murph grabbing 19 Rodmans (yeah, we’re some old heads), and Rasho Nesterovic dropping a ridic 21 points, 7 boards, 5 dimes, 3 blocks and 2 steals line, you might hazard a guess that the Hawks’ big man Al Horford left this one early on, with an ankle injury.  After this, their 4th straight L, looks like the wheels are falling in the A-T-L both literally (Al and Josh Smith out with ankle/foot injuries) and figuratively.  Ya’ll better keep some security ’round the players lot.

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Battle?  Chris Bosh.  War?  Dwight Howard and the Magic.

Rookie Of The Night:

Greg Oden — 22 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that’s how you do it like a G O!

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Magic City Monday, yes she the-yere/Trying to catch a number of a couple more players/One from the Hawks and, one from the Braves and/the NBA types she want nothing but athletes”

That’s from Killer Mike’s “Delilah”, part of his Sunday Morning Massacre series.  Question… the young lady he’s talking about… is she on her way to a different city as a result of this losing streak?

Brian Scalabrine for mayor.  But really, why is USC home of the red-headed male?  Do they have a scholarship program?  A research project?  What?… LeBron James, youngest player to 11,000 career points…  Also youngest player to be “good friends” with a Hip-Hop mogul that happens to be a part owner of a team in arguably the most important market for the league… Tyler Zeller was probably cursed the second he stepped inside Chapel Hill city limits.  Dude looks just like Duke’s mascot!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Garnett — 21 points, 10 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

This is all about what you cannot see in the line.  Peezy went for 36, but he would have been sitting on the bench, getting blown out by the Raptors, if it was not for K.G.  Back at home after an intense win in Detroit, the Ceatles were about as lively as John Lennon and George Harrison during the first half.  The only exception was the Kid, who had his motor running, as usual.  When the rest of his guys still weren’t really into it in the second half, he ratcheted up to that other level, getting everybody going.  He even started pressing Jose Calderon full court, reaching and pointing and clapping and yapping the whole time.  It was a beautiful sight to behold.  Really, can’t they transform his blood into some kind of laptop battery?  Car fuel?  A general high efficiency energy source?  Obama has the solution to the country’s economic, gas, and enviromental problems right under his nose.

Worst Of The Night:

Hey Phoenix, if you are going to pound the ball into Amare and Shaq, maybe you guys should practice the entry pass?  We counted at least 6 failed entry passes in last night’s game against the Grizz.  Gross.  Matt Barnes alone screwed up 3 in a row, at one point!  Overall the Suns are in textbook Bizarro world right now… it’s an odd scene out there in Arizona.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 29 points, 19 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

Ok, Greg.  You’ve officially dodged the murder’s row of centers you were set to face to open the season, and your team, the Blazers, even came out of it with a respectable 4-3 record.  Time to come back an enjoy your overwhelming physical advantage.

Rookie Of The Night:

O.J. Mayo — 33 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

Wow.  Coming out of college, we were not exactly sure what Mr. Mayo was going to give us in the NBA.  After two consecutive 30+ games, now we know (well, maybe we don’t… after all, these performances came against the no D Warriors and the “what the hell are we doing out here, coach?” Suns).  Dude is a natural offensive (more offensive than Ralph Nader, more offensive than Andrew Dice Clay, more offensive than Mike Martz, more offensive than Michael Vick at the Westminster Kennel Club, more offensive than an Eminem concert in the Vatican, more offensive than our earlier Beatles comment) talent, and not afraid to have the ball in his hands.  In fact, if every player in uniform for both the Grizz and the Suns had ganged up on him and physically tried to wrestle the ball away from him last night in the 4th quarter, it might have been mission impossible.  And we’re including Shaq in that.  He literally had the ball in his hands over 90% of the time for the Grizz in the fourth.  He balled out for sure, but we were definitely having visions of early-post-Shaq-liberated Kobe.  Mayo could have capped this performance off with a big time clutch shot, but failed on a long, long gun to tie with a few seconds left.

Overall, Memphis has a whole lot of talent, but almost no clue how to play with each other.  With under two minutes to go, they failed to inbound the ball TWICE IN A ROW!  Come on, guys.

Hakim Warrick to Robin Lopez:  get some, have some, want some!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!… Amare removes the goggles.  Too bad, we kind of liked them… Leandro Barbosa finally suited up last night, dropping 27 points, but still only played 22 minutes… It hurts to see what has become of the Vinsanity of it all.  He looked hapless last night in clutch (2 turnovers in 3 possessions), as D-Wade showed him how it is properly done… How much extra time do K.G., The Truth and Ray Allen have on their hands now that every single media outlet in the universe no longer has to do an obligatory “Big 3″ feature?  More or less than Melo has, now that the braids are gone?…  The obligatory Hawks reference:  Solomon Jones… Gold medalist Nastia Liukin court side, in Pacers jersey, at Pacers game, but actually a Mavericks fan…  FREE ALICIA SACRAMONE!…

Line Of The Night:

Chris Bosh — 39 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Bosh upped his superstar credentials with this performance, but the Raptors as a whole cannot seem to put it all together in the same game. If T.J. Ford plays well, Jose Calderon does not. If Jamario Moon plays well, Anthony Parker misses every shot. If Andrea Bargnani has it all going… oh, wait, that never happens any more. Is it coaching? Let the question be a statement.

Worst Of The Night:

Following Denver’s 102-84 loss in Game 3 of their series with the Lakers, we were all set to get on here and rip the hell out of Melo and his squadron. Well, he beat us to the punch:

“I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not pointing the fingers at nobody. I didn’t play worth a [expletive] tonight, and I can accept that. But as a competitor, there’s no way that I should lay down and quit and lay down on my team like we did tonight. You could just sense it,” Anthony said. “I’m saying ‘we,’ because I’m part of this, too. I’m saying I quit. We all just gave up.”

Wow. Seeing a talented Nuggets team show no heart at their first Playoff home game was one thing, but it was compounded by the Rockets performance later in the night. Maybe the Nuggets should switch their teams colors to red, white and blue — that is the only uni Melo seems to shine in, these days.

Of course, this may just be a case of underestimating the Lakers. We are starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, the Lake Show is actually ballerific (and acting like it’s all terrific).

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 19 points, 16 boards, 8 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

Right here, right now — Magic 3-1 over T-Dot and Sixers 2-1 over Detroit Basketball. This is jumping waaaay ahead, but does that mean we are now anticipating a Magic/Celtics Conference Finals? Or do the Pistons simply know drama better than TNT?

McGradles — 23 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

He did everything well… except shoot. If he gets a decent percentage from the field — or Rafer — the Rockets shock world, and take two games in Houston. These two teams are so evenly matched, even when it appears that one team has the clear talent advantage. It is a shame for Houston that Skip missed the first two games. Based on what we have seen now, it might have been a whole ‘nother type of series with him manning the point from the get green.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Mehmet Okur — 18 boards, 14 points, 1 block, 1 steal

While probably known more for his long-range shot than for his grittiness, it was the latter that was key for Utah on Saturday. With the Jazz up two, late, Deron Williams MISSED two free throws, seemingly giving the Rockets new life. Memo shut that window just as fast as it opened, though, snagging (well, Rick Adelman might describe it more as “pushing my guy out of the way, then grabbing”) the offensive rebound. Game time. Never forget — the Pistons have not won a title since Memo left. The Jazz have not won one with him. Sounds like purgatory.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 17 points, 14 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

It is official — as Horford goes, so goes the Hawks. Of all the options on the team, it is obvious after Game 3 that he is their leader, and their heart & soul — their K.G. Hittin’ clutch J’s to put the game away, then taunting Paul Peezy? A very impressive rookie playoff breakout party.

Waking up to the pedestrian voices of Rick Carlisle and Dave Pasch (who? what?), the L.O.N. offices had no idea what was in store for them. Even the disjointed first quarter of the Cavs/Wizards game belied the amazing that was about to happen over the course of the day.

Line Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 40 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Who is the best player in the NBA, again? Who? Also, this game clarified a lot about the Spurs. They are definitely too old. Their window has closed.

Seriously though… if this series continues to play out like the first game, it is going to be beyond classic. But if the games are close like this, will it even be a contest? The Suns are not built for the clutch. The Nash/Stoudemire pick-and-roll proved highly effective throughout the game, but it is not really a “final shot” type play. They looked decent before Amare fouled out, but in total, 2 of their 4 clutch shots were taken by Boris Diaw and Leandro Barbosa. You tell us — who would you want shooting your clutch shots? Manu Ginobili, Michael Finley and Tim Duncan or Steve Nash, Diaw and Barbosa? The answer was obvious, in Game 1.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 9 assists, 9 boards, 2 steals

Veteran 0, young gun 1. Kidd was pwned by CP3 (35/10/3) in this one. The team defense of Dallas as a whole is going to have to improve to contain the young fella. CP3 and the Hornets answered any and all questions about their legitimacy, while reminding us that regular season results in head-to-head match ups really do not matter. People put way too much stock in Dallas’ win earlier in the week, and way too LITTLE stock in their complete collapse in the Playoffs last year. It is interesting that they may have run into the rowdiest crowd of the Playoffs for the 2nd straight year, and it is even more interesting that Dirk is so worthless. Dirk and Dampier may be one of the weakest frontcourts on a supposed contender in NBA history. They have no answer for the Paul-to-Tyson-Chandler oop, and even Hilton Armstrong was catching a little wreck. Paging Desagana Diop… paging Desagana Diop…

Near Beast Of The Night:

Antawn Jamison — 23 points, 19 boards, 2 assists

24 shots though? Gilbert was 8-16 for 24 points, so he got his, but shouldn’t some of Jamison’s gone to Tough Juice? All-Star Caron Butler seemed very passive in this one, with a sub par 14 point night on 10 shots. He needs to take a cue from those Cleveland Playoff t-shirts and rise up if the Wiz want to win.

And what is up with Twantown absolutely losing his mind over some trivial pushing and shoving between LeBron and Brendan Haywood? That is a side of ‘Tawn with which we are not familiar. He is otherwise so calm and collected, coming across as downright distinguished in his interviews describing his early Playoff memories. He is clearly a nominee for a starring role in various NBA retrospectives in about 20 or 30 years — you know, the old cat reminiscing about the game, Black Magic style. But during that non-fight, he looked like Kurt Thomas had taken over his soul, eyes popping, arms flailing. At the beginning of the Spurs game, Thomas’ crazy eyes were rather calm… maybe his soul had not yet returned.

But on the reals… the Andray Blatche shot to LeBron’s face, followed by the non-fight, really seemed to shake the King out of a malaise. Ya’ll really need to let that man be.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes too… a MRSV favorite, Gilbert Arenas. The MRSV: “Welcome back! Here comes trouble.”

Honorable Mention goes to a newcomer on the MRSV’s radar, Chris Paul, about whom she says: “He’s hot!”.

Ol’ Unfaithful Of The Night:

Andrei Kirilenko == 21 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Like clockwork, the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park will erupt about every 60-90 minutes. Like clockwork, you never know what the hell Andrei Kirilenko is going to erupt for. Despite a very average second half of the regular season, AK47 came out on fire on Saturday, playing well in all phases of the game. You could see it immediately, as he ran out of the tunnel with a huge smile on his face. What in the hell… did he cash in his freebie card in the training room before the game? Whatever it is, the Jazz may actually need him to get through this series. The Rockets did not exactly play their best game — although it may have been all this group can muster — and T-Mac may not disappear in the 4th quarter in the rest of the games.

The HD Effect Of The Night:

When you see most of your basketball via the League Pass (not HD) on a TV meant for HD, as we here at L.O.N. do, you are often “treated” to game after game broadcasted with a very low picture quality. For certain teams (like the Wiz and the Hornets from today’s action, for example) that have few national HDTV appearances, this blurred/grainy image becomes part of the team. Then the Playoffs, where HD happens, start, and it is like a whole new world! We did not know what to do, today, with a HD quadruple-header — a marathon of basketball beauty. These blurred teams look like butterflies coming out of the cocoon. It is quite the phenomenon. We even thought we liked those black and gold Wizards joints.

In the clutch: Lebron 1, Gilbert 0. But that 3 at the end of the 1st quarter was sick… Somebody finally got the King some clippers for his sideline grooming!… How ridiculous is LeBron’s snow-white Maybach with the “KNG OF OH” license plate?… We obviously missed out on the details of the Cavs various trades this season. When did they acquire Frederick Douglass’ great-great-grandson?… Those were some big-ass Swooshes on Brendan Haywood’s Nikes… Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” ad. Classic… GILBERT FOR 3!!!… VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY!… Tony Parker, Jacque Vaughn and Boris Diaw. One of these things is not like the other one, but they are still the French Connection… Michael Finley looks like his barber took it just a little bit too high… D-Wade and Star Jones?… The Peja heads!… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!…