L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins.  Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is.  Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests.  This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the 2nd best record in the West.  #3 by mere percentage points?  Spid-durs.  Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.

Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:

#10.  Really?  #10?  We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy.  REAALLY?!?  A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher?  REAAAAALLLY?!?  A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher?   REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!?  The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher?  Really?!?  Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Sorry, Marcus.  Honestly.  [whispering]  Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.

Tribute Track Of The Night:

If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“.  Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep.  To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious.  Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is — even if it was Oscar-worthy — there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists.  So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it.  Because it WILL be defended.  Word to Ron Artest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards

Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points.  How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games?  Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.

Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block

Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring.  It’s his new signature.  Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger.  If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.

Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:

McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee

Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments“, you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.

A Tribe/Jordan collabo?  That’s the definition of L.O.N.  Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers:  ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived D-Miles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in.  But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the C’s.  Big win, right?  But the real reason for the smile?  FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai?  QUICK!  NOW!!!!  SAY IT!!!  PICK ONE NOW!!!  DO IT!!! HURRY!  NOW!  IMMEDIATELY!!!

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 29 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks, 3 steals

Friday night D-Wade could not get it done in the 4th.  Saturday night he got EVERYTHING done.  We are talking near 5×5 glory.  The highlight of his performance was for sure the blocks.  Two of them came against 7-foot rook Brook Lopez, with the best being a mano e mano, straight up and down manhood test.  Even the usual stoic Wade could not contain himself after that one, stopping mid-play to mean mug the sideline.  When he balls out like this, and the second leading scorer is Yakhouba Diawara, it is hard to knock the MVP talk.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 14 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

About 6-7 years ago (ok, maybe even as few as three?), this man’s nickname in, umm, some circles was Gumby.  If we had told you back then he’d be the lone stalwart on a team hammered by injuries and suspension, or maybe if we had merely suggested he was still in the leg and not a convalescent home, you would have thought we were living in the Vortex of Crazy.  Well, welcome to Crazy Town — Ricky Davis welcomes you with open arms.

If only he could have managed 16 points, Mikey Dun-Dun’s Clips could have pulled out a win over the streaking Pistons.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 25 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal

And 1 loss vs. the Spurs on Saturday.  We were about to rant about the Other A.I. being regarded as less of a winner than even the other A.I.  Then we realized he is only 24, has a ridic game, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.  These gosh darn early entrants…

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs — 77 points. vs. The Wiz

Oh the irony.  DeShawn Stevenson doesn’t play, and his guys are able to knock off the over-rated LeBron James-led Cavs.  And also, LeBron… come on, playa.  Crab dribble?  That must Akron slang for 3 steps.

The worst part about all of this, with the Celtics falling on Sunday as well, is the raw and unadulterated Lakerness that will now be unleashed upon us all, as they now stand with the best record in the L.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Bonjour, Pau.  Je m’appelle Nicolas Batum.  I’m here to take your order.  Some crepes, perhaps?  Maybe les croissants?  Or how about this FRENCHIFIED EFFERVESCENCE ON YOUR KNOT!!!  PAU!!!!

Comeback Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 45 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Martin, still coming off the bench in his 3rd game back from injury, won the individual battle with Danny Granger (35 points) in a “Most Overlooked Star” shootout, but Granger’s Pacers took down the win.

Bring Back The Fist To Head Bump Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 2 minutes, 0 points, 0 blocks, 0 boards, 0 assists, 0 steals

In what bizarro world context does Darius Miles fit in on the Memphis Grizzlies roster?  In case you missed it, and you probably did, Miles got his first burn in a hot, hot minute on Sunday, playing the final minute plus in the Grizzlies surprise blowout of the visiting Mavs.  We love you D, and it’s a good look for you, but we are not sure what benefit Memphis gets out of this?  Of course, it could be that the organization has a grudge with Portland, who will be on the hook for the remaining 2 years and $18 million if Miles plays in 10 games.  And Busta Rhymes says:  “THERE’S ONLY 9 GAMES LEFT!!!!!!”

Mike Dunleavy Jr. broke out the Pacers-yellow sports coat.  Must have been a Christmas present from fellow Dookie Shane Battier, who has been rocking the Rocket-red coat all season, when injured… Just when we talk up the Bucks, they couldn’t complete the home-and-home sweep of the Bobcats, losing 102-92 in the second meeting… Speaking of back-to-backs, the Vinsanity could not be aroused on Saturday, as Vince missed a last second three, to tie, this time around… Beware the magic of Il Mago…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year.  The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule.  David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters.  The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo.  Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo.  Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent.  What?  5 bullets.  38 points.  Millions of records sold.  Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth.  Yo, I’m 50 Cent.  Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night.  They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury.  He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting.  He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls.  Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals.  The King probably would tell you differently, though.  He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.”  TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way.  “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.”  Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J.  Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win.  You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall.  Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity Glare.  Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 points, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns.  That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart.  If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin.  Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win.  How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation?  He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards.  First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack.  We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack.  That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s.  Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes.  The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary?  Almost.  The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets?  Looks like it.  Come on.  Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trailblazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this?  And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance.  Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge.  The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third.  Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court.  And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse?  Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets.  It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip!  Love it.  Detroiters probably due to, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here.  But can we get a C’s mention?  The Jayhawks?  Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hair looks…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Granger Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 41 points, 11 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

That’s 3 in a row.  That may be a L.O.N. record.  Somebody get the resident Archivist on it.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 27 boards, 19 points, 4 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Awww, man.  What a wasted effort.  On the verge of a 4th straight victory, up 4 in the Chi, with about 20 seconds left… the Clippers happened.  Young rook Eric Gordon committed the unfathomable mistake of fouling namesake Ben Gordon on a 3.  Count it.  And-1.  Tie game.  While the Clip Joint surprisingly got a shot off (Dunleavy specializes in the end of game “no shot”), Al Thornton’s fadeaway baseline 20-footer was no good.  In OT, unimaginatively pounding the ball into Z-Bo, in the same spot, time after time ater time, eventually caught up with them, as the Bulls took the lead for good following two offensive fouls and an entry pass turnover.  Free Marcus Camby?

Playoff Intensity Of The Night:

Two games last night gave us a glimpse of spring, even in the heart(break) of the coldest winter.  It’s obviously impossible to generate legit playoff intensity this time of year, but sometimes old rivalries recall the ghosts of Playoffs past.  If that’s so, then let the Ceatles/Hawks be the haunting, and Spurs/Hornets the exorcism.  You see, sometimes the old spooks cannot be driven away (Ceatles 88, Hawks 85), and other times, demons from the past are cast out (Spurs 83, Hornets 90).

Contraction Club Of the Night:

Washington Wizards — 74 points vs. the Detroit Pistons

The ‘Stons quietly righting the ship?  Or a 3-game blip against 3 bad teams?

Minnesota T-Wolves — 70 points vs. the Cleveland Cavs

So bad they make the page melt.  So bad they don’t even make sense.  So bad they sense patty melts.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 27 points, 9 boards, 5 assists, 5 steals

Granger, again?  Aw yeah, again and again.  Dude is nasty.  Two straight L.O.N.nies nasty.  Unfortunately, at 8-16, looks like he and his Pacers are at least 1 year away from any sort of primetime love, but the true heads know.  And the Wiz fa sho know, after last night.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Just let C-Webb tell you.  Double R is getting it done, he’s getting it in, he’s getting in his bag, and he’s going in, too.  Can he grab an Eastern Conference All-Star guard spot?  D-Wade, A.I., Joe Johnson?  Devin Harris?  Jose Calderon?  Dare we say… Derrick Rose?  If Peezy is out for any time with this knee injury does he step it up and end all debate?  Will he get a quadruple-double this year, with a line that includes 10 behind-the-back pass fakes in one game?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Boris Diaw showcased his all-around game in this one, dropping 25 on his former team.  The Cats have no reliable 2nd option on offense, though, which caught up with them in the 4th quarter when they could only manage 11 points.  Maybe an improved D, but definitely a generally horrid offense.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Not only did rook Ryan Anderson drop a career-high 21 points to lead his Nets to a road win in the T-Dot last night, he also enjoyed an extra serving of the most important meal of the day.  After losing his man, who was shading towards Chris Bosh at the elbow extended,  Joey Graham received a pass in the corner, went baseline, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, RYAN!  Bet you never had a Canadian bacon, graham crackers sandwich, homey!

What is in Paul Millsap’s Wheaties bowl, lately?… J.R. Smith tied the Mavs, BY HIMSELF, in the the 4th quarter last night, 17-17.  The Garbageman strikes again… Yeah, that’s 15 in a row for Boston.  That’s a ratings bonanza if they can hold onto that until Christmas Day…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

A moment of silence for the end of the Death Ray Goggle Era… …and now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 33 points, 14 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Domination, baby (word to Method Man).  Yao put it on the Warriors Friday night, taking full advantage of his physical stature, drawing foul after foul after foul, and getting to the line 19 times.  He fouled out Andris Biedrins and Ronny Turiaf, and had Anthony Randolph, Stephen Jackson and Corey Maggette taking ridiculous turns at guarding him.  “Shrimp in the edifice!”, he cried all night long.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 23 boards, 21 points, 6 blocks

Oh, so Chris Wilcox, Johan Petro and Joe Smith can’t guard Howard?  OKC is still horrid under new coach Scotty Brooks, but definitely more entertaining with Russell Westbrook at the helm.  Let’s hope Earl Watson gets O.J.-time on the bench.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Blazers — 78 points vs. The Ceatles

Now THAT’s what a contender looks like, Portland.  And another moment of silence to hear all of the WAAAAY too easy jokes resulting from Big Baby Davis literally crying in the 4th quarter after KG gave him an ol’ ear whuppin’.  Come on, man.  Honestly?  Your nickname is Big Baby and you give us the classic cry face on national TV?

Indiana Pacers — 73 points vs. The LeBrons

The reward for upsetting the Lakers?  Smashtime the next two games courtesy of the Beasts Of The East:  Boston and Cleveland.

Clippers lucky to avoid this list… only a couple J.R. Smith-esque garbage time heaves from Boom Dizzle got the Clip Joint over 80.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 11 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

This is like an Old (present) Jason Kidd NTD.  Biggest disappointment of the night, though, was provided by LeBron, but through no fault of his own.  During the Boston/Portland broadcast, the halftime host said something like “stay tuned at halftime for one of the best LeBron dunks ever”.  A nice dunk, sure, but maybe not in LeBron’s top 50.

An honorable mention to Paul Millsap, of all people.  He’s a five-star general in the double-double world, but triples?  He approached “near” status, but fell 1 dime short.  Wow.

Status Quo Of The Night:

Welcome to the NBA, Jay Triano!  Toronto’s new coach, faced with the unenviable task of going into the hardest arena to visit in the League, took a 27-point L.  Somewhere, Sam Mitchell was laughing at his suit.  And wishing he had that Vince Carter locker room scuffle on video.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

“Have some of this hot, Queens, quinoa, Ronny!”, said Ron Artest.

Actual quote from a Wizards announcer the other day, following a drive and lay-up by Portland’s Steve Blake:  “Steve Blake… unstoppable”  Um, really?… Kevin Ollie is not the answer… If you felt an extreme sense of peace and ease for a brief moment Thursday night, we know the reason.  For a few beautiful seconds, J.R. Smith dribbled in the corner, guarded by Manu Ginobili, and then executed a beautiful behind-the-back dribble move.  All was right in the world of L.O.N. with those two going head-to-head… Marvin Williams — that’s American for good, solid basketball… Does Jermaine O’Neal’s knee brace have hydraulics?  It definitely has candy paint.   Wood grain?…  Can we get an Avery Johnson/Bill Walton Christmas duets album?  Awesome…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Nene — 19 points, 11 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks

We come back from Turkey Time for this?  Absolutely no one qualifies for any of the L.O.N. special sections?  Come on ya’ll.  The importance of this line is that it even had the opportunity to happen.  Nene’s career has been racked by injuries and setbacks (and that’s WAY too weak of a word for cancer), and maybe this year, under the radar, he’s fulfilling some of that potential.  Stay healthy, dunny!

Worst Of The Night:

Mike Dunleavy is such a bad offensive coach, that not only can he not find ways to improve his players’ chances of scoring, but he somehow sucks the instincts from them, leaving them completely witless on the offensive end, especially in the 4th quarter.  This has been going on for years, spanning various personnel combos, and never was there a better example than last night’s chokefest vs. the Mavs.  The Clip Joint was up 96-84 with 4:33 left, and lost 98-100.  Yes sir… TWO POINTS IN 4:33!  Amazing.  The shots they threw up down the stretch were indescribably bad.

Jose Juan Barea, one of the Mavs’ offensive heroes, summed it up well:

“Their faces were looking shaky. They’re a good one-on-one team. We played like a team in the zone.”

Think that’s getting a bullet point on Dunleavy’s resume?  “I’ll make my players’ faces look shaky”.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs — 77 points vs. the Pistons

San Antonio, you’ve been Sheeded.  Late in the third quarter, incensed at a call from a ref, Sheed came out of a timeout focused, going on a Sheed-0 run (6 straight points).  Game time.  It was Pistons from there… almost as if Dunleavy’s 4th Quarter Trance had somehow permeated it’s way into the San Antonio huddle.

Revenge, Getback And Retribution Of The Night:

Andre Miller — 28 points, 4 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals

In case you missed it over the weekend, Derrick Rose absolutely abused Dre in Philly, first with an out-of-nowhere-breakaway-Tayshaun-Prince-On-Reggie-Miller block, and then with an A.I.-On-Jordan-ankle-breaking crossover.  Miller literally fell on the ground.  If that had been a rap battle, Miller’s entire career would have been deaded.  We are talking Cuban Link after he crossed Fat Joe dead.  But in the NBA, there’s always another game, and in this case, and immediate rematch.  Miller can take a little solace in out-scoring the young gun last night, and getting the Sixers an OT win, but unfortunately heads are going to be typing “rose miller” in the YouTube search box for years to come.

Vlad-man’s Death Ray goggles… The Drought Is Over 6 > Dedication 3, hands down.  “All my kicks fly, like Liu Kang’s”.  Come on haters, deep on your heart you know that’s hot.  At least if you’re old enough to know who Liu Kang is… Chauncey Billups = even better than we thought… Lakers lose.  It’s news.  Done…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Kanye’s “Street Lights” makes this entire experimentation phase of sorts he’s in, or whatever you want to call it, worth it.  That’s classic material.  Can’t you see P.J. Carlesimo contemplating life, to that track, as he gets the hell out of Oklahoma City?  Yeah, we can’t either.

Line Of The Night:

Vinsanity — 39 points, 9 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

Sorry Mr. Bosh.  We’ve put you through a rough week.  You had last night’s L.O.N.nie wrapped up, only to have Mr. Carter (no not that one… no not that one either… yeah, that one) come through and snatch it.  His clutch shots give him a shot at this honor, and then that perfect game-ending reverse alley-oop sealed the deal.  Word to Lawrence Frank on that, too.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Wolves — 78 points vs. the Ceatles

This franchise had it’s heart and soul stolen when KG was shipped to Boston, and last night he finally came back to put the proverbial stake in said heart.  And then there was dust.

Memphis — 76 points vs. the Mavs

Mike Conley, supposed point guard, 14 points and 0 assists.  Let us only pray to Pac above that this not the only Buckeye failure of the weekend.

Trade Of The Night:

G-State gets:

J-Creezy

The Knickerbockers get:

Al Harrington

In reality, this is a pure FREE AL HARRINGTON situation, but as soon as the deal went down, the L.O.N. offices were awash in celebration with the news that fellow Michigan alum (ok, he’s probably not official alum, but ya’ll know what we’re sayin’) Jamal Crawford was heading to one of our favorite teams.  Of course, since he was leaving the new-fangled Knicks, where he was a key component of D’Antoni’s attack, his new situation is probably equal, at best, for the entertainment factor, but we still love it.

As a eulogy on the Al Harrington/Nellie Era, we never quite understood the problem.  Seemed an ideal situation for Al, but now he’s probably headed to an equally ideal spot.  Get ‘er done, Al.  And pour out a little red-eye cocktail service for Jonathan Bender, while you’re at it.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

The Clip Joint gets:

Zach Randolph
Mardy Collins

The Knickerbockers get:

Cat Mobley
Tim Thomas

This is atrocious on so many levels for the Clippers that we do not even know where to start.  When the season began, D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh probably had a convo something like this: Walsh:  “Hey Mike, let’s try to get Z-Bo off to a hot start so we can find some sucker to take him of our hands.”  D’Antoni:  “Aww man… do I have to?  I was hoping to have a my own version of the 3 Tenors down there w/ Starbury, E-City and him.”  Walsh:  “Do it.  Trust me.”

Hypnotism?  Blackmail?  What’s your secret, Mr. Walsh?  More importantly, who is going to eat cheeseburgers with E-City, now?

Hey Mr. Dunleavy, why don’t you hand the Knicks the keys to the NBA for the ’10’s?  This puts them in the pole position of the LeBron sweepstakes, or so conventional wisdom says.  Oh to have access to the Patriot Act wiretap trained on the James household today… ABUZZ.

Rookie Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 25 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals

Derrick’s jumper was certainly in full bloom (buh-doomp-doomp-piiisshhhhh) last night in G-State.  He took over this game down the stretch, hitting j after j after j after j.  He even gave the crowd the ol’ finger-over-the-lips “hush” symbol after one shot.  Too bad he apparently got stabbed on the court, somehow, near the end.  He finished the game in pain, on the bench, with an icepack on his abdomen.  Weird.  This odd injury closely followed fellow rook Anthony Randolph being hit in the neck by an invisible blow dart.  Some definite hijinx went down in the Bay, last night.  Speaking of Randolph… he may be Nellie’s dream player.  He’s a longer L-Eezy without quite the same handle.  Nellie likes his handle enough, though, as he had him bringing the ball up as the point several times.  He looks raw, exciting, and wildly inconsistent.  But hella fun.  Another speaking of… why haven’t Odom and Nellie hooked up?  Isn’t Lamar the definition of?  Somebody make it happen.

Insult To Injury Of The Night:

It has been well-documented that after comparing notes with fellow Duke alum Carlos Boozer, this past off-season, Elton Brand snaked the Clip Joint.  Well, last night he added venom to the insult.  And the injury.  Despite struggling most of the night, Brand nailed the go ahead jumper in the final minutes, and was right there on D to prevent the Clippers from scoring.  Who knows though… Dunleavy seems to be collecting big men that make a lot of money.  Maybe they’ll trade for him.

Orlando has slide under our radar a bit.  They started off slow, but now are right there with the LeBrons at 2nd in the East.  Nice… Rasho!  You missed your chance!  2 more points in you’re in the Near Ice Cube section!  Ever again?… Come on J.R., don’t go out as the garbage man… Houston has to at least take a, um, quantum of solace in the fact that despite their disjointed play, they are sitting ok at 8-5… Will someone please play power forward for Charlotte?  This is getting ridiculous… With limited roster, Starbury given the option to play and chooses not to… The Thunder is so disgusting.  Sorry, Kevin…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 34 points, 6 boards, 3 assists

Lakers.  8-1.  Sickly talented.  Deal with it.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 20 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

This is a nice line with a couple skeletons in the closet.  Those would be 5-18 shooting and 5 turnovers!  The Warriors won though, so all is forgiven.  The real issue is whether or not we should give in and enjoy this Anthony Morrow young’n?  The shot is sweet… but will Nellie soon bury him on the bench with no remorse?  Or is this a real breakout?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

With Murph grabbing 19 Rodmans (yeah, we’re some old heads), and Rasho Nesterovic dropping a ridic 21 points, 7 boards, 5 dimes, 3 blocks and 2 steals line, you might hazard a guess that the Hawks’ big man Al Horford left this one early on, with an ankle injury.  After this, their 4th straight L, looks like the wheels are falling in the A-T-L both literally (Al and Josh Smith out with ankle/foot injuries) and figuratively.  Ya’ll better keep some security ’round the players lot.

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Battle?  Chris Bosh.  War?  Dwight Howard and the Magic.

Rookie Of The Night:

Greg Oden — 22 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that’s how you do it like a G O!

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Magic City Monday, yes she the-yere/Trying to catch a number of a couple more players/One from the Hawks and, one from the Braves and/the NBA types she want nothing but athletes”

That’s from Killer Mike’s “Delilah”, part of his Sunday Morning Massacre series.  Question… the young lady he’s talking about… is she on her way to a different city as a result of this losing streak?

Brian Scalabrine for mayor.  But really, why is USC home of the red-headed male?  Do they have a scholarship program?  A research project?  What?… LeBron James, youngest player to 11,000 career points…  Also youngest player to be “good friends” with a Hip-Hop mogul that happens to be a part owner of a team in arguably the most important market for the league… Tyler Zeller was probably cursed the second he stepped inside Chapel Hill city limits.  Dude looks just like Duke’s mascot!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

The TNT production truck for the Denver/Cleveland game.

As the 3rd quarter began in last night’s game, a miracle of miracles occurred — Reggie Miller’s mic was cut off!  It was short-lived, and the words of the Czar were also lost in the collateral damage, but it was a glorious time nonetheless.  Praise Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Jah, Pac and the Ruler Zig Zag Zig Allah.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

LeBron James — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

But it was all about the D, son.  Word is that at halftime, Bron was walking around singing: “Give me a ‘Lo lockdown, a ‘Lo lockdown, gimme a ‘Lo lock down, you looooose”.  And that’s what happened.  Life was very difficult for Melo in the second half and the Cavs got a rare (for the Melo/Bron Era) win over the Nuggets.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Erick Dampier — 18 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

Nice little stat line from Damp, but the ship be sinking in Dallas, as they lost to the Chi and fell to 2-6.  FREE GERALD GREEN!

Andris Biedrins — 19 boards, 17 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Biedrins has been the highlight of an otherwise bleak season for G-State.  They lost this one to the Pistons, but your boy is starting to look like a nice all-around player.  What they really need to do is go ahead and ship Al Harrington so they can add another legit guy to their rotation.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Jason Maxiell — have some of this AZUBUIKE BACON!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, SON!  Courtesy of Head Chef Kelenna Azubuike.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“‘Cause I was running game like Larry to a Bird who could score a lot of points while she dribbles on my balls ’cause she go hard for the green like Celtics”

That’s from 88-Keys’ “Ho’ Is Short For Honey” off his The Death Of Adam album.  It’s a solid album, but the theme/storyline he tried to go with does not add much, and probably detracts.  “Stay Up” feat. Kanye is the joint, though.

Matt Barnes, Rafter Alston and Steve Nash suspended for their roles in Wednesday night’s dust up.  Nash?  All he did was get abused twice by McGradles… Best ticket package around league?  Detroit’s 5-game “Fiverson Package”.  Get it?  Awesome… That was a garbage call/ejection on Kenyon.  Pure reputation.  Where’s the support Kenny and Chuck?  What did Kenyon do, exactly, on the last play?  Pure flop… OMG, if Will Bynum had completed that dunk on Turiaf…
Leandro Barbosa’s mother passed, and he will miss several games while he travels to Brazil.  Keep your head up, playa…