L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 35 points, 10 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks

See below to see why this line should have been altered.  Maybe fewer stats, maybe more, but definitely different if not for the always brilliant decision-making of Earl Watson.

Worst Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 6 points, 5 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal, 1 turnover

The line looks innocent enough… but it only took one play to reveal the rotten core of this bad apple.  During the final minute, his team was up 4 — a crucial possession.  He pounded the ball to the court for most of the shot clock then used a Nick Collison screen to get an off-the-dribble mid-range J.  CLANG (of course).  Long rebound, which led to… a wide open fast break dunk for his man, Mike Conley.

Hey, Earl.  There’s this guy on your team… he’s about 6′9″… a phenom out of the East Coast.  Oh, he’s also your leading score… oh and he’s the one that’s been KILLING the Grizz all night.  Kevin Durant ring any bells?  No?  How about your position, point guard… are you familiar with the concept of getting the ball into the hands of the most capable scorer?  Leading your team on the offensive end?  Trying to get your team points?  Hmm… nothing there either, huh?

We don’t know if Scott Brooks called that particular play, but we do know that it seemed like he took the ball out of ol’ Earl’s hands in OT.   In the extra period, Brooks had Russell Westbrook running the show, who evidently has heard of one Kevin Wayne Durant.  KD dominates.  Thunder win.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Washington Wizards — 71 points vs. Miami

The M-I-Yayo might be famous for those slangin’ that rock, but the Wiz thought they were supposed to clang that rock, last night.  37% from the field… 15% from the land of three… 69% from the charity stripe.  Now that is grosser than Rick Ross clipping his toenails, naked, on South Beach.  AND picking his nose.

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Portland

Like the fate of Jamal Malik, the result of this game was written.  Beat the best team in the league in triple-OT, then play your second game in two nights on the road against another top team, all while losing your top score to a broken rib and collapsed lung?  Recipe for how to catch an L.

The Clip Joint — 75 points vs. Chicago

Chicago gives up an average of about 102 points a game.  Yes, the Clippers forgot to play a quarter (the 3rd).  Yes, this is just another notch on Mike Dunleavy’s belt of offensive underachievement.  And, yes, DeAndre Jordan can officially handle finishing the alley oop.  He had 3 sick ones in this game.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

The highlight?  Check assist #9 at about the 1:20 mark of this video.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Not Honey Of The Night:

After seeing Carmelo Anthony on the bench “rocking” a white sweater over a green shirt, a tie, and green/brown plaid pants, the MRSV exclaimed:  “Oh my god.  Carmelo looks like a leprechaun… or a golfer.”

Not a ringing endorsement.

Career-High Of The Night:

T.J. Ford — 34 points, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 board

With Danny Granger sitting this one out with a knee injury, Ford took it upon himself to pick up the scoring slack.  That decision resulted in a career-high scoring output and a win over the Bucks, with whom the Pacers are competing for that #8 spot.  We love T.J., and perhaps inexpicably so.  That love can only mean one thing… Revolutionary status.

Rivalry Of The Night:

NBA rivalries… Celtics/Lakers?  Knicks/Pacers?  Spurs/Mavs?  How about Raptors/Nets?  It’s arguably one of the closest things to an actual rivalry in the league right now.  There is still T-Dot-O anymosity towards Vinsanity, they met in the Playoffs a couple years back, and 2 out of this year’s 4 matches have been decided on the final shot (including last night’s when Devin Harris DID JOEY GRAHAM UP, only to miss the open J).  Now they are fighting each other (ok, and maybe 5 other teams) for a potential Playoff berth.  We’re reaching here, yes.  But it feels like a rivalry.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“The world listening to these words I say/Even if a nigga talkin’ ’bout the NBA/Ron Artest says, ‘Stat, what about the rappers?’/Well, Ron most of these niggas is fuckin’ actors”, “Liars”

“Gettin’ green like Rondo, plus the ring pronto”, “Intermission”

“Left my label, it’s they loss/Like the Hawks in the Playoffs/I hate snitches like Jews hate Adolf”, “Intermission”

Those are off of Stat Quo’s QuoCity mixtape.  If Freeway got comeback MC of the month last month, then Stat is looking for that same honor.  Although Stat has never really achieved the heights Freeway has, so maybe it’s more like a most improved award.  He is definitely looking for the hustle award as well, as this is the 3rd mixtape in a planned 1-per-month, 12-month series.

Rookies vs. Sophs Of The Night:

Can the Rookies end the Sophs 6-year reign of terror?  We say no, that Durant-led Soph roster is just too nice.  Highest pick not to make the Rookie squad –  Kevin Love.  Nobody said that chicks dig the rebound, Kevin.  Sophs that didn’t re-up — Mike Conley, Chairman Yi, Juan Carlos Navarro, Jamario Moon and Sean Williams.  Wow… THOSE guys were top rookies last year?

Rookies:

Michael Beasley, F, MIA
Rudy Fernandez, G, POR
Marc Gasol, C, MEM
Eric Gordon, G, LAC
Brook Lopez, C, NJN
O.J. Mayo, G, MEM
Greg Oden, C, POR
Derrick Rose, PG, CHI
Russell Westbrook, PG, OKC

Sophs:

Aaron Brooks, PG, HOU
Wilson Chandler, F, NYK
Kevin Durant, GF, OKC
Jeff Green, F, OKC
Al Horford, PF, ATL
Luis Scola, PF, HOU
Al Thornton, F, LAC
Rodney Stuckey, G, DET
Thaddeous Young, F, PH
I

Anthony Parker for Prime Minister… stay tuned for the L.O.N./Kanye/Louis Vuitton collabo.  We are thinking scarves.  Or maybe belts?… And one more time, for posterity’s sake, C-Webb and GP in one of the best top 10 play sequences of all time.

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

It’s the questions, whuuuuut?  The questions, whuuuuut?  The questions!

What, tigga, what, tigga, what, tigga, WHAAAAAT!

As we do every year, let’s get ready for another glorious season with actual questions from actual readers… and actual questions from some not-so-actual readers!

1)  As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 9:

#1  Denver — J. R. Smith.  Basketball debauchery in the flesh.  And they bring out the debauchery in their opponents, as well, creating 48 minutes of beautiful mayhem.  We will miss the Eduardo Najera 3’s, though.
#2  Portland — Greg Oden is our most-anticipated rookie to see, probably followed closely by Rudy Fernandez.  Throw in Revolutionary Travis Outlaw, and it’s a wrap.
#3  San Antonio — Odd years on, even years off — like a metronome.  And with Manu out for awhile to start the season, it’s gonna be The French Pastry Show in San Anton.
#4  Houston — Ron Artest makes defense exciting.
#5  Clip Joint — That’s a wild mix.  Exciting and entertaining, maybe.  But can that roster win games consistently?
#6  Cleveland — Mo Williams may finally be the piece that cements LeBron in this list.  This could be a special season, ya’ll.
#7  Detroit Pistons — Amir Johnson and Rodney “Yo, ma, I’m 50 Cent”.
#8  Philly Snakes –  Are they ready to take that next step up to the East’s elite?  We hate having the co-founder of Brand and Boozer’s Backstabbin’ and Beguilin’ Band Of Brothers on this list, but the Other A.I., Louis Williams and Thaddeous Young must be witnessed.
#9  Boston Ceatles — We still have love for K.G. and Paul Peezy, and check this field report from L.O.N.’s Resident Scientist:  “I dont think I said anything about this yet, but a couple weeks ago, when Bill Walker had that really good dunk over someone, the pure elation, joy, and madness that ensued on the Celtics bench was an amazing thing to see.  The fact that they all acted like that, during a pre-season game, means they are a team and they really like each other.  Repeat.”  Love.

Bottom Four:

#1 Milwaukee — Scott.  Skiles.
#2 Oklahoma City Thunder — Sorry, KD.  The Earl Watson Experience meets boring uniforms meets a despicable franchise move.  Count us out.
#3 New York Knicks — You’re gonna have to prove it first, D’Antoni.  Duhon != Nash.
#4 L.A. Lakers — Word-for-word from last year’s preview:  “Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.”
2)  Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the off season?

Greg Popovich’s pre-season beard got way outta hand, making us all wonder if the Spurs’ style would take a similar wild turn this season.  Who knows?  Pop is clearly feeling the need to express himself, and that may lead to any type of on-court madness.  You know, crazy stuff like a 9-man rotation vs. an 8-man, or maybe Powerade on the bench instead of Gatorade.  Anything can happen.  Word to Wyclef.

Although we are sure more guys will surprise as the season unfolds, that’s all we caught on the personal style tip during the pre-season.  Several teams are breaking out new gear, though, and pretty much all to underwhelming response (at least from us).  The Orlando Magic came with the most drastic (we use that word loosely) of the changes, introducing diverging silver pinstripes to the NBA scene, and going with the #1 entry on the L.O.N.’s Most-Hated Neckline list.  We have never understood, liked, or approved of that.  Worst Of The Night.

The Seattle… err, Oklahoma City Thunder kept it real, real lazy.  What is that?  Looks like they came up with a disco-hell mix (word to Ced the Entertainer) of the simplest aspects of the Knicks’, Bobcats’ and Hawks’ unis.  While they are at it, maybe they should try to combine rosters with those squads.  Even if their jerseys stilled looked like they belonged in rec league for 10-12 year-olds, they might actually finish above 10th-12th in their conference.

The Milwaukee Bucks are introducing a new alternate jersey, inspired by their 1971 joints.  We tend to like simple uniforms (think Celtics or Spurs), but homage or not, these are simple in a boring kind of way.  And is that Big E on the end an homage to the Big Yi they lost this off-season?

New Orleans tweaked their outfits and logo ever so slightly, with the most important change being the re-introduction of the old Charlotte-style pinstripes.  Word to Dell Curry!  And Glenn Rice’s (former? ex?) wife.  And Muggsy.

Meanwhile, Minnesota also tinkered with the details of their unis.  At least they will look slightly different while losing 50+ games again.

3)  What big ticket players will be heading to new teams this year?  Odom?  Billups?  Randolph?
4)  Who will be the first player traded after the start of the regular season?

Don’t forget about Rasheed Wallace, who is in the last year of his contract, and playing for a GM, in Joe Dumars, that has been trying to shake things up since the end of last season.  Shawn Marion in Motown?  Seems intriguing.

5)  Which lottery pick will have the biggest impact on his team this year?  What about someone outside of the lottery?

This season we are presented with the rare situation of two #1 overall picks making their debuts, in Greg Oden and Derrick Rose.  Rose is a point’s point, but does not quite have the supporting cast that Oden can claim.  With the pivot spot sured up, Portland is looking to make post-season noise.  We are not convinced the Bulls can make that same leap.  Statistically, Michael Beasley will factor into this argument, but a Crazy Convention could break out with he and Shawn Marion both in South Beach.  And actually, after that weird Star Jones period D-Wade went through last year, maybe he’s the Chairman of Crazy, down there.

Non-lottery?  Watch out for another Blazer, Nicolas Batum, who is penciled in as the starting small forward in Rip City.  That smells like a Royal Ivey, 7-minutes-a-game-in-Atlanta starting scenario, though, so we’ll go with the Suns’ Robin Lopez.  With Steve Kerr’s emphasis on defense and The Diesel’s propensity to miss “unhealthy” chunks of the regular season, the wilder of the Lopez Twins is set to do damage.  And you gotta love the unintentional comedy/entertainment factor whenever the Lopez Twins are on the scene.  We need a reality show.

6)  Who will be the biggest bust from this year’s rookie class?

Joe Alexander.  Unless, like we have said before, he joins the professional beach volleyball circuit.  Or becomes one of those trampoline dunkers.

7)  Who will be the Jerry Sloan “Surprise Player Of The Year”?

Jerry Sloan dropped this gem after Kyrylo Fesenko dropped a 10/10 double-double on Portland this pre-season:  “That’s the best I’ve ever seen him play since he’s been alive.”

So who will have the best season they have ever had since being alive?  We don’t know, but that might be the best quote we hear while we’re alive.

8)  Can you explain some comments that were heard over the Summer regarding LeBron James being the most over-rated player in the NBA?  Who could even think such a thing?

Absurd.  Outlandish.  Flabbergasting.  The term is more over-used than a McCain/Maverick reference, but this is the definition of “hater”.  Only someone with a genuine personal issue with The King could utter such words.

9)  To the MRSV — Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Official H.O.N. Top 5:

#1 Baron Davis
#2 Gilbert Arenas
#3 Tony Parker
#4 LeBron James
#5 D Wade

Dang, the MRSV went the pure big tymer route on us this year.  Dollar signs in her eyes, we think!
10)  Will the Pistons new coach and young up-and-comers return Motown to glory?

We’ll let the Mailroom Supervisor answer this one.  MRSV:  “What do you mean by return?  They are working on their 5th straight title this year.  What a run!”
11)  Can the “Boston Three Party” repeat this season?

“No, but the Pistons can.”  AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Get those crazy Pistons fans out of the control room!

12)  Seriously…  How are the Pistons going to do this year? Who is your favorite Piston?

No doubt about, ‘Sheed Wallace, yet and still.  Come on.  Ball don’t lie.  Sneaking up on ‘Sheed though, and ready to take the mantle, is Young Amir Johnson.  He is on the cusp of Revolutionary status, and in the starting lineup this year.  We like the Pistons’ chances as a team, as well.  They have managed to keep the old guard around, while infusing the rotation with young talent, in Rodney Stuckey, Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Arron Afflalo.  Tayshaun Prince still has not fully harnessed his talent, and Kwame Brown might even be a nice piece on a team like this.  We may have just talked ourselves out of the ‘Sheed trade, and into a Pistons Finals run.  Hmm… keep reading while we sort this out.

13)  With Sam-I-Am’s post-retirement coaching plans, who wins in a coaches’ “talking battle” - Sam Cassell or Avery Johnson?

If these two were to ever lead their teams against each other in a Playoff Series, the most-entertaining aspect of the series would the amazing press conferences.  Sam mumbling some obscure alien-like analogy with Avery slamming his hand on the table and using that one-of-a-kind voice to express his dismay.  Absolutely awesome.

14)  How many basketballs will the NBA use this year?
15)  How many jerseys will be purchased this year?
16)  Which franchise will make the most money?
17)  How many hot dogs will be sold at NBA games this year?
These must have come from the resident L.O.N. Salesman… all he cares about is the bottom line.  If you are ever around someone asking questions like this and saying your first name a lot, hide your wallet and run!  We’ll break it down, though:  1233, 2.89 million, Los Angeles Lakers, 14.33 million.

18)  Will Greg Oden come out and be an absolute beast? 

Good question.  He will be fighting a tough knee-injury recovery, adjusting to playing against the best athletes in the world, facing Breakfast Bounties and of course dealing with all the issues of being a 40+ year-old rookie.  We do not see Dwight Howard-like beastness, but he’ll give it to a large majority of the leagues pivots.  Still, that microfracture recovery is nothing to blink at, so do not expect the world, THIS year.

19)  Will Michael Jordan once again come out of retirement to play in the newly incorporated Space Basketball League (SBL)?

No, but he is the player/coach for Earth’s basketball team entry into the Space Olympics.

20)  Any powerhouse teams that will take a nosedive this year?

You heard it here first — the situation in Dallas is scary.  You have Rick Carlisle, known for defense and a controlled-offense, heading a team that screams for run-and-gun O with optional D.  Avery Johnson coaxed some nice defensive performances out of roughly the same team, but damn near the whole team hated him by the end of his run.  The individual talent on the roster is still obvious, but if they do not figure out a signature personality quickly, there could another, um, Cuban Missile Crisis on the horizon.

21)  Will LeBron tip his hand in regards to his impending departure to a New York team by the end of the year?
22)  Does L.O.N. support the King leaving Cleveland?

He won’t tip his hand this year, as dude actually has 2 more years in Cleveland.  That’s what a lot of people do not realize.  This issue is going to reach Brett Favre retirement level of media hype before it is all said and done.  But he’s not going to do anything to mess up his current situation; he is too savvy of a business man.  Do we support the departure?  Only if it’s to the BROOKLYN Nets, and only if Jay-Z is still involved.  The possibilities with those two cats together are endless, and we love all of them.

23) Could the Other Gasol (Marc) out-stat his brother, Pau?

It could happen.  Throw in the potential decline on Pau’s side due to further suppressing his own output for the good of the Lakers and the Andrew Bynum influence, with Marc’s potential output as the starting center on the run-and-gun Grizzlies, and these two’s stats may look more similar than you might think.  Marc looked good in the Olympics, but he would not be the first Euro to bust in the NBA.  He at least should make last year’s trade look slightly more even than the outright collusion it appeared to be at the time.

24)  What’s the top selling jersey in the NBA this year?

LeBron has got to claim this title eventually, right?  This is the year.  Mark it down.  If not him, it will probably be J.R. Smith (if L.O.N. comes into a trillion dollars and executes the “Jersey In Every Pot” plan).

25)  Are the Spurs too old?  Are the Spurs just dried up old raisins at this point?  Do we really need to discuss them still?  I don’t see their relevancy.

Seriously?  This comes through literally every year.  Check the League Pass ratings for your answer:  more relevant than ever.  Honestly, even if they falter on the court, The French Pastry keeps them relevant on the pop culture tip alone.  Dude is everywhere — NBA Live cover, Windows commercials, the tabloids with Eva, etc.  Los Spurs, holmes.

26)  Who is going to win the dunk contest?  With what kind of dunk?

We are not sure Dwight Howard will be defending his title, as the bona fide star in the dunk contest is a thing of the past.  We gotta put Gerald Green as the odds on favorite, going into the season, now that he is back on a roster, with the Mavs.  Green had the creativity and ability last year, and Superman cape or not, the cupcake dunk is still our favorite ish from last year’s contest.  Only Pac can judge what he might break out this year.

27)  How do you feel about Josh Howard’s off the court issues this Summer?

L.O.N. has lassez faire weed stance — let the people smoke.  But of course, Howard needs to know not to show the seams on national radio.  Same thing with the national anthem hulla baloo.  The man is allowed to speak his mind… but he might want to find a better forum.  The ugliest part of the situation ended up being the despicable emails and internet posts so many people out there anonymously leveled at Howard.  Come on.  In the words of the great Jay Hova, “I thought this was America people?”.  Even if the populace had expressed themselves a little more eloquently, they are contradicting themselves.  This would not be America if we were not allowed to speak our minds!  That being said, if you do not think J.R. Smith is the second coming of Basketball Jesus, ya’ll need to leave the country immediately.

28)  Will anything happen this season to further the belief that the NBA is rigged, like the WWE?

You mean, other than Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry only leaving Dantoni’s bench to perform actual WWE-style wrestling events at all Knicks home games?

29)  How many basketball games are you going to watch this year?

773.

30)  How many live basketball games are you going to watch?

Dang, is the Salesman back?   7?

31)  Please break down the Los Angeles Clippers - is it going to be as fun as it could be?  Baron, Ricky, young Al Thornton and the Twin Towers?

Fun is a good word, unless half the team ends up injured on the bench.  This is Boom Dizzle and Marcus Camby we are dealing with, after all.  Another phrase that might be used is “interesting mix”.  The Caveman and the Camby Man may actually work out well, since Camby likes to launch those 20 foot j’s more than bang on offense, and don’t even think about coming in the paint when they are on D.  But can they deal with smaller lineups?  What will Dunleavy get out of the notoriously mercurial Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas?  Are there too many Davis’ in one place at one time (Baron, Paul and Ricky)?  Will DeAndre Jordan make GMs across the league throw up in their mouths for passing over the one time projected lottery pick?  The people demand answers.

32)  What player is going to become a star this year?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you haven’t been reading.  Think the opposite of Emmitt Rider.


33)  Who is going to be the MVP?

LeBron James.  LeBron James again?  Awwww yeah, again and again.  The time is now.  Give him the jersey sales, the trophies, the triple-double season average… everything except the title.  It’s not quite time, yet.

34)  Overall predictions?

LeBron’s singular talent still will not quite be enough… the Ceatles will not be quite as hungry and will miss James Posey… no one in the Southeast is ready… neither is Philly… Pistons over Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Chris Paul’s singular talent will not quite be enough… Denver is Denver… the Lakers still do not quite feel quite right… Carlos Boozer’s surprisingly tentative/soft performance against the Lakers last year scares us…Dallas is done… Phoenix is rickety… Spurs over Rockets in Western Conference Finals.

Spurs over Pistons in 7.  Classic ish.

35)  What else do I need to know about?

Vinny The Black, coaching the Bulls.  Realize and recognize… We miss Agent Zero.  Get your knee right, playa!… All you DYYEEEE, is this part right here, BOOM!… If there is a God, please, please, please make Sasha Vujacic go back to the short hair… With all the focus on rookies, do not forget about 2nd year guys that could break out.  Keep your eyes on guys like Julian Wright and Thaddeous Young, this year… Kenny and Chuck are back!…

Line Of The Night:

DeShawn Stevenson — 33 points, 3 boards, 1 assist, 1 steal

We don’t know if it’s the coach, the spirit of the players, our just some sort of magic, but the Wizards might the be toughest, scrappiest team in the L. Their star player, Gilbert Arenas, has missed most of the season. Their next best, Caron Butler, his missed double-digit games. Yet and still, they are out there every game, competing, and have close to a .500 record. Last night, on the strength of Stevenson’s career night — most points he’s ever scored as well as his first game-winning shot — the Wiz knocked off Western Conference powerhouse, New Orleans. They might not have the most talent, but they are going to battle you fa sho doe.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 steals

New team, same old tricks. He’s doing his part, but we’re still not really convinced as to how much better he actually makes the Mavs. They won this one, though, 102-94 over <R. Kelly voice> Chiiiiiiiiii-whuuut? </R. Kelly singing voice>

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks 74 points vs. San Antonio Spurs

And it was the SPURS that only scored 5 points in the first quarter! This Hawks team is very talented, but still has a long way to go before they figure out the oh-so elusive skill of “knowing how to win”. Kurt Thomas knows how to win, and win he did in his Spurs debut. 9 boards in 13 minutes, young’ns.

LA Clip Joint 76 points vs. Boston Ceatles

This was the absolute worst we have seen a team play this year. It seemed like 90% of the time, one Clipper would just dribble the shot clock away and someone would have to force a shot. On one possession, Tim Thomas had the ball and was looking to pass into the post. It appeared the other guys were not running the play correctly, and Thomas appeared extremely frustrated, motioning vehemently at his teammates. Eventually he chased the ball down in a corner, and hit a shot from BEHIND the backboard, as the clock expired, and fumed his way back down the court! You know it’s bad when Tim Thomas has to be the one to get on his teammates!

Injury Of The Night:

Yao Ming is set to miss the rest of the season, due to a stress fracture in his left foot. This news comes at a terrible time, with the Rockets playing the best they have all year and riding a 12-game winning streak. Ouch, ouch, ouch. You would think this is great news for the other Western Conference teams on the Playoff Bubble — G-State and Denver — as it seems unlikely the T-Macs could hold onto the 6th spot. Stranger things have happened, though. Maybe Coach Adelman can just place the recently acquired Gerald Green in the low-post and have him jump straight up and down, in an attempt to fulfill their center needs?. FREE DIKEMBE!

The Pistons Being The Pistons Of The Night:

In Chauncey Billups return to Denver, the Pistons showed exactly what they are all about. In many situations like this, the individual will try to get his shine on for his homecoming, but not the team-orientated Detroit Pistons. Billups, Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun all went out and scored exactly 20 points, and the Pistons grinded out another road win. Pistons Power.

The Troy Murphy pump fake! Recognize. And maybe realize…