L.O.N.

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We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year.  The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule.  David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters.  The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo.  Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo.  Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent.  What?  5 bullets.  38 points.  Millions of records sold.  Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth.  Yo, I’m 50 Cent.  Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night.  They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury.  He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting.  He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls.  Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals.  The King probably would tell you differently, though.  He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.”  TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way.  “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.”  Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J.  Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win.  You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall.  Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity Glare.  Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 points, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns.  That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart.  If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin.  Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win.  How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation?  He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards.  First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack.  We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack.  That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s.  Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes.  The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary?  Almost.  The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets?  Looks like it.  Come on.  Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trailblazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this?  And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance.  Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge.  The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third.  Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court.  And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse?  Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets.  It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip!  Love it.  Detroiters probably due to, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here.  But can we get a C’s mention?  The Jayhawks?  Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hair looks…

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A moment of silence for the end of the Death Ray Goggle Era… …and now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 33 points, 14 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Domination, baby (word to Method Man).  Yao put it on the Warriors Friday night, taking full advantage of his physical stature, drawing foul after foul after foul, and getting to the line 19 times.  He fouled out Andris Biedrins and Ronny Turiaf, and had Anthony Randolph, Stephen Jackson and Corey Maggette taking ridiculous turns at guarding him.  “Shrimp in the edifice!”, he cried all night long.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 23 boards, 21 points, 6 blocks

Oh, so Chris Wilcox, Johan Petro and Joe Smith can’t guard Howard?  OKC is still horrid under new coach Scotty Brooks, but definitely more entertaining with Russell Westbrook at the helm.  Let’s hope Earl Watson gets O.J.-time on the bench.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Blazers — 78 points vs. The Ceatles

Now THAT’s what a contender looks like, Portland.  And another moment of silence to hear all of the WAAAAY too easy jokes resulting from Big Baby Davis literally crying in the 4th quarter after KG gave him an ol’ ear whuppin’.  Come on, man.  Honestly?  Your nickname is Big Baby and you give us the classic cry face on national TV?

Indiana Pacers — 73 points vs. The LeBrons

The reward for upsetting the Lakers?  Smashtime the next two games courtesy of the Beasts Of The East:  Boston and Cleveland.

Clippers lucky to avoid this list… only a couple J.R. Smith-esque garbage time heaves from Boom Dizzle got the Clip Joint over 80.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 11 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

This is like an Old (present) Jason Kidd NTD.  Biggest disappointment of the night, though, was provided by LeBron, but through no fault of his own.  During the Boston/Portland broadcast, the halftime host said something like “stay tuned at halftime for one of the best LeBron dunks ever”.  A nice dunk, sure, but maybe not in LeBron’s top 50.

An honorable mention to Paul Millsap, of all people.  He’s a five-star general in the double-double world, but triples?  He approached “near” status, but fell 1 dime short.  Wow.

Status Quo Of The Night:

Welcome to the NBA, Jay Triano!  Toronto’s new coach, faced with the unenviable task of going into the hardest arena to visit in the League, took a 27-point L.  Somewhere, Sam Mitchell was laughing at his suit.  And wishing he had that Vince Carter locker room scuffle on video.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

“Have some of this hot, Queens, quinoa, Ronny!”, said Ron Artest.

Actual quote from a Wizards announcer the other day, following a drive and lay-up by Portland’s Steve Blake:  “Steve Blake… unstoppable”  Um, really?… Kevin Ollie is not the answer… If you felt an extreme sense of peace and ease for a brief moment Thursday night, we know the reason.  For a few beautiful seconds, J.R. Smith dribbled in the corner, guarded by Manu Ginobili, and then executed a beautiful behind-the-back dribble move.  All was right in the world of L.O.N. with those two going head-to-head… Marvin Williams — that’s American for good, solid basketball… Does Jermaine O’Neal’s knee brace have hydraulics?  It definitely has candy paint.   Wood grain?…  Can we get an Avery Johnson/Bill Walton Christmas duets album?  Awesome…

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Line Of The Night:

The TNT production truck for the Denver/Cleveland game.

As the 3rd quarter began in last night’s game, a miracle of miracles occurred — Reggie Miller’s mic was cut off!  It was short-lived, and the words of the Czar were also lost in the collateral damage, but it was a glorious time nonetheless.  Praise Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Jah, Pac and the Ruler Zig Zag Zig Allah.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

LeBron James — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

But it was all about the D, son.  Word is that at halftime, Bron was walking around singing: “Give me a ‘Lo lockdown, a ‘Lo lockdown, gimme a ‘Lo lock down, you looooose”.  And that’s what happened.  Life was very difficult for Melo in the second half and the Cavs got a rare (for the Melo/Bron Era) win over the Nuggets.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Erick Dampier — 18 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

Nice little stat line from Damp, but the ship be sinking in Dallas, as they lost to the Chi and fell to 2-6.  FREE GERALD GREEN!

Andris Biedrins — 19 boards, 17 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Biedrins has been the highlight of an otherwise bleak season for G-State.  They lost this one to the Pistons, but your boy is starting to look like a nice all-around player.  What they really need to do is go ahead and ship Al Harrington so they can add another legit guy to their rotation.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Jason Maxiell — have some of this AZUBUIKE BACON!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, SON!  Courtesy of Head Chef Kelenna Azubuike.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“‘Cause I was running game like Larry to a Bird who could score a lot of points while she dribbles on my balls ’cause she go hard for the green like Celtics”

That’s from 88-Keys’ “Ho’ Is Short For Honey” off his The Death Of Adam album.  It’s a solid album, but the theme/storyline he tried to go with does not add much, and probably detracts.  “Stay Up” feat. Kanye is the joint, though.

Matt Barnes, Rafter Alston and Steve Nash suspended for their roles in Wednesday night’s dust up.  Nash?  All he did was get abused twice by McGradles… Best ticket package around league?  Detroit’s 5-game “Fiverson Package”.  Get it?  Awesome… That was a garbage call/ejection on Kenyon.  Pure reputation.  Where’s the support Kenny and Chuck?  What did Kenyon do, exactly, on the last play?  Pure flop… OMG, if Will Bynum had completed that dunk on Turiaf…
Leandro Barbosa’s mother passed, and he will miss several games while he travels to Brazil.  Keep your head up, playa…

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Line Of The Night:

Devin Harris — 38 points, 5 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

These 38 points against the Pistons included 20-24 from the line!  The question everyone is going to ask… would Chauncey have allowed that?  A.I.’s offense is unquestioned, but he brings a different type of defensive presence than Mr. Big Shot.  Even on O, down the stretch, there were a couple of plays where A.I. made a much different play than Chauncey would have in the same situation, but A.I.’s way worked, too, in those cases.  Losing to the teams like the Nets, though, will not work.  So it still remains to be seen how well he will fit in defensively — and overall — with a franchise that has become synonymous with the word “team” in recent history.

Worst Of The Night:

Have the wheels fallen completely off in D.C.?  The Wiz dropped to 0-4 after a 108-114 loss to the Knicks on Friday. Ever since Agent Zero hurt his knee, they started to develop and identity as a tough, gritty, defensive team, and now, so far this year, they are giving up more points than a great icosahedral 120-cell.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

So this is what he would look like if D-Wade was allowed to play back at Marquette for a few games.  After the Tony Parker injury, San Anton went from a team that traditionally has one of the best D’s in the league, to a team that looks like one of the best D-League teams, in the league.

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 blocks, 1 steal

You know what it is, you know how it is.  The 4 blocks really underscores probably the only under-rated aspect of the King’s game — his D.  And speaking of game… Business LeBron has plenty of it, don’t he?

C.J. Watson — 9 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 torn elbow ligament

Watson took over Nellie’s point guard reins, in place of DeMarcus Nelson, Friday night, and stuffed the stat sheet, but the team took an L to the Grizz.  This could be yet another short-term situation, as Marcus Williams — the most pedigree-ed PG of the 3 — finally made his Warriors debut and may have this spot on lock soon.

Jason Kidd — 22 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

A near-triple-double list this long would only be complete with the master.  Uh… what were we saying about Billups’ D?

Juan Dixon made a surprising run at this section last night, too, but amazingly came up short in the points column with only 5 — rarely seen.

Moment Of Reflection Of The Night:

The scene:  Carmelo Anthony, fresh off a victory over the Dallas Mavericks, in Chauncey Billups’ (a legit point guard) debut, wanders Denver’s 16th Street Mall, with a mindless grin wide across his face, mumbling:

“And I wonder, if you know, what it means…. to find your dreams… And I’m back on my grind… a psychic read my lifeline… Told me in my lifetime… My name would help light up the Denver skyline.. and that’s why I’m… 7 o’clock that’s prime time… Coach Karl watch, imploring me from the sidelines… he always give me playing time…I’m a star, how could I not shine?…Now Chauncey Billups in the house… Chauncey Billups in the house without a doubt… Something with this deal got me thinking it’s for real… I gotta point!… We got a Black presideeeeeeent… Trade it for nothing, not even a MVP and some riiiiiiiiiiiiings… You ever wonder what it all really mean?… You ever wonder if you’ll ever find your dreams?”

Team Dime Of The Night:

Mike Bibby — 19 points, 12 assists, 3 boards,

Apparently Bibby is not intimidated by all those mean mugs Jose Calderon offers up during games.  Apparently the rest of the league should be intimidated by — GASP — the best team in the East, your Atlanta Hawks!  They stomped the life out of the Raptors last night (come on fellas, make a run!) despite losing J-Smoove early on to a high ankle sprain.  The ATLiens might even be able to keep this type of play up without their star, considering their bench has been a strength so far this season.  Smith may decide he has achieved it all and just retire, anyway.  Right before he got hurt, he put down a sick alley oop and received a perfect 10 on the vaunted Dominique “Dunk-O-Meter”.  Really, what more is there?

Shaq sits out vs. the Bulls in the first game of a back-to-back situation, and with that 6 and 5 line, looks like Steve Nash basically sat out, too… George Hill at least showed the physical attributes to explain his selection by the Spurs in the 1st round… This just in — the Jazz are good at home… Brad Miller back on the scene, drops a double-double on Al Jefferson’s head, Kings win…  Come on.  Rudy Gay.  That dude is sick.  Nastaculous.  We once called him the next Tim Thomas.  Public apology…  FREE RUSSELL WESTBROOK!… Sorry, K-Mart, but we’re not feeling the lip print tattoo behind your ear.  It’s not even because it’s red lips.  It makes us feel like we have an itch behind our ear… OMG, Brandon Bass, says the Birdman…

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It’s the questions, whuuuuut?  The questions, whuuuuut?  The questions!

What, tigga, what, tigga, what, tigga, WHAAAAAT!

As we do every year, let’s get ready for another glorious season with actual questions from actual readers… and actual questions from some not-so-actual readers!

1)  As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 9:

#1  Denver — J. R. Smith.  Basketball debauchery in the flesh.  And they bring out the debauchery in their opponents, as well, creating 48 minutes of beautiful mayhem.  We will miss the Eduardo Najera 3’s, though.
#2  Portland — Greg Oden is our most-anticipated rookie to see, probably followed closely by Rudy Fernandez.  Throw in Revolutionary Travis Outlaw, and it’s a wrap.
#3  San Antonio — Odd years on, even years off — like a metronome.  And with Manu out for awhile to start the season, it’s gonna be The French Pastry Show in San Anton.
#4  Houston — Ron Artest makes defense exciting.
#5  Clip Joint — That’s a wild mix.  Exciting and entertaining, maybe.  But can that roster win games consistently?
#6  Cleveland — Mo Williams may finally be the piece that cements LeBron in this list.  This could be a special season, ya’ll.
#7  Detroit Pistons — Amir Johnson and Rodney “Yo, ma, I’m 50 Cent”.
#8  Philly Snakes –  Are they ready to take that next step up to the East’s elite?  We hate having the co-founder of Brand and Boozer’s Backstabbin’ and Beguilin’ Band Of Brothers on this list, but the Other A.I., Louis Williams and Thaddeous Young must be witnessed.
#9  Boston Ceatles — We still have love for K.G. and Paul Peezy, and check this field report from L.O.N.’s Resident Scientist:  “I dont think I said anything about this yet, but a couple weeks ago, when Bill Walker had that really good dunk over someone, the pure elation, joy, and madness that ensued on the Celtics bench was an amazing thing to see.  The fact that they all acted like that, during a pre-season game, means they are a team and they really like each other.  Repeat.”  Love.

Bottom Four:

#1 Milwaukee — Scott.  Skiles.
#2 Oklahoma City Thunder — Sorry, KD.  The Earl Watson Experience meets boring uniforms meets a despicable franchise move.  Count us out.
#3 New York Knicks — You’re gonna have to prove it first, D’Antoni.  Duhon != Nash.
#4 L.A. Lakers — Word-for-word from last year’s preview:  “Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.”
2)  Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the off season?

Greg Popovich’s pre-season beard got way outta hand, making us all wonder if the Spurs’ style would take a similar wild turn this season.  Who knows?  Pop is clearly feeling the need to express himself, and that may lead to any type of on-court madness.  You know, crazy stuff like a 9-man rotation vs. an 8-man, or maybe Powerade on the bench instead of Gatorade.  Anything can happen.  Word to Wyclef.

Although we are sure more guys will surprise as the season unfolds, that’s all we caught on the personal style tip during the pre-season.  Several teams are breaking out new gear, though, and pretty much all to underwhelming response (at least from us).  The Orlando Magic came with the most drastic (we use that word loosely) of the changes, introducing diverging silver pinstripes to the NBA scene, and going with the #1 entry on the L.O.N.’s Most-Hated Neckline list.  We have never understood, liked, or approved of that.  Worst Of The Night.

The Seattle… err, Oklahoma City Thunder kept it real, real lazy.  What is that?  Looks like they came up with a disco-hell mix (word to Ced the Entertainer) of the simplest aspects of the Knicks’, Bobcats’ and Hawks’ unis.  While they are at it, maybe they should try to combine rosters with those squads.  Even if their jerseys stilled looked like they belonged in rec league for 10-12 year-olds, they might actually finish above 10th-12th in their conference.

The Milwaukee Bucks are introducing a new alternate jersey, inspired by their 1971 joints.  We tend to like simple uniforms (think Celtics or Spurs), but homage or not, these are simple in a boring kind of way.  And is that Big E on the end an homage to the Big Yi they lost this off-season?

New Orleans tweaked their outfits and logo ever so slightly, with the most important change being the re-introduction of the old Charlotte-style pinstripes.  Word to Dell Curry!  And Glenn Rice’s (former? ex?) wife.  And Muggsy.

Meanwhile, Minnesota also tinkered with the details of their unis.  At least they will look slightly different while losing 50+ games again.

3)  What big ticket players will be heading to new teams this year?  Odom?  Billups?  Randolph?
4)  Who will be the first player traded after the start of the regular season?

Don’t forget about Rasheed Wallace, who is in the last year of his contract, and playing for a GM, in Joe Dumars, that has been trying to shake things up since the end of last season.  Shawn Marion in Motown?  Seems intriguing.

5)  Which lottery pick will have the biggest impact on his team this year?  What about someone outside of the lottery?

This season we are presented with the rare situation of two #1 overall picks making their debuts, in Greg Oden and Derrick Rose.  Rose is a point’s point, but does not quite have the supporting cast that Oden can claim.  With the pivot spot sured up, Portland is looking to make post-season noise.  We are not convinced the Bulls can make that same leap.  Statistically, Michael Beasley will factor into this argument, but a Crazy Convention could break out with he and Shawn Marion both in South Beach.  And actually, after that weird Star Jones period D-Wade went through last year, maybe he’s the Chairman of Crazy, down there.

Non-lottery?  Watch out for another Blazer, Nicolas Batum, who is penciled in as the starting small forward in Rip City.  That smells like a Royal Ivey, 7-minutes-a-game-in-Atlanta starting scenario, though, so we’ll go with the Suns’ Robin Lopez.  With Steve Kerr’s emphasis on defense and The Diesel’s propensity to miss “unhealthy” chunks of the regular season, the wilder of the Lopez Twins is set to do damage.  And you gotta love the unintentional comedy/entertainment factor whenever the Lopez Twins are on the scene.  We need a reality show.

6)  Who will be the biggest bust from this year’s rookie class?

Joe Alexander.  Unless, like we have said before, he joins the professional beach volleyball circuit.  Or becomes one of those trampoline dunkers.

7)  Who will be the Jerry Sloan “Surprise Player Of The Year”?

Jerry Sloan dropped this gem after Kyrylo Fesenko dropped a 10/10 double-double on Portland this pre-season:  “That’s the best I’ve ever seen him play since he’s been alive.”

So who will have the best season they have ever had since being alive?  We don’t know, but that might be the best quote we hear while we’re alive.

8)  Can you explain some comments that were heard over the Summer regarding LeBron James being the most over-rated player in the NBA?  Who could even think such a thing?

Absurd.  Outlandish.  Flabbergasting.  The term is more over-used than a McCain/Maverick reference, but this is the definition of “hater”.  Only someone with a genuine personal issue with The King could utter such words.

9)  To the MRSV — Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Official H.O.N. Top 5:

#1 Baron Davis
#2 Gilbert Arenas
#3 Tony Parker
#4 LeBron James
#5 D Wade

Dang, the MRSV went the pure big tymer route on us this year.  Dollar signs in her eyes, we think!
10)  Will the Pistons new coach and young up-and-comers return Motown to glory?

We’ll let the Mailroom Supervisor answer this one.  MRSV:  “What do you mean by return?  They are working on their 5th straight title this year.  What a run!”
11)  Can the “Boston Three Party” repeat this season?

“No, but the Pistons can.”  AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Get those crazy Pistons fans out of the control room!

12)  Seriously…  How are the Pistons going to do this year? Who is your favorite Piston?

No doubt about, ‘Sheed Wallace, yet and still.  Come on.  Ball don’t lie.  Sneaking up on ‘Sheed though, and ready to take the mantle, is Young Amir Johnson.  He is on the cusp of Revolutionary status, and in the starting lineup this year.  We like the Pistons’ chances as a team, as well.  They have managed to keep the old guard around, while infusing the rotation with young talent, in Rodney Stuckey, Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Arron Afflalo.  Tayshaun Prince still has not fully harnessed his talent, and Kwame Brown might even be a nice piece on a team like this.  We may have just talked ourselves out of the ‘Sheed trade, and into a Pistons Finals run.  Hmm… keep reading while we sort this out.

13)  With Sam-I-Am’s post-retirement coaching plans, who wins in a coaches’ “talking battle” - Sam Cassell or Avery Johnson?

If these two were to ever lead their teams against each other in a Playoff Series, the most-entertaining aspect of the series would the amazing press conferences.  Sam mumbling some obscure alien-like analogy with Avery slamming his hand on the table and using that one-of-a-kind voice to express his dismay.  Absolutely awesome.

14)  How many basketballs will the NBA use this year?
15)  How many jerseys will be purchased this year?
16)  Which franchise will make the most money?
17)  How many hot dogs will be sold at NBA games this year?
These must have come from the resident L.O.N. Salesman… all he cares about is the bottom line.  If you are ever around someone asking questions like this and saying your first name a lot, hide your wallet and run!  We’ll break it down, though:  1233, 2.89 million, Los Angeles Lakers, 14.33 million.

18)  Will Greg Oden come out and be an absolute beast? 

Good question.  He will be fighting a tough knee-injury recovery, adjusting to playing against the best athletes in the world, facing Breakfast Bounties and of course dealing with all the issues of being a 40+ year-old rookie.  We do not see Dwight Howard-like beastness, but he’ll give it to a large majority of the leagues pivots.  Still, that microfracture recovery is nothing to blink at, so do not expect the world, THIS year.

19)  Will Michael Jordan once again come out of retirement to play in the newly incorporated Space Basketball League (SBL)?

No, but he is the player/coach for Earth’s basketball team entry into the Space Olympics.

20)  Any powerhouse teams that will take a nosedive this year?

You heard it here first — the situation in Dallas is scary.  You have Rick Carlisle, known for defense and a controlled-offense, heading a team that screams for run-and-gun O with optional D.  Avery Johnson coaxed some nice defensive performances out of roughly the same team, but damn near the whole team hated him by the end of his run.  The individual talent on the roster is still obvious, but if they do not figure out a signature personality quickly, there could another, um, Cuban Missile Crisis on the horizon.

21)  Will LeBron tip his hand in regards to his impending departure to a New York team by the end of the year?
22)  Does L.O.N. support the King leaving Cleveland?

He won’t tip his hand this year, as dude actually has 2 more years in Cleveland.  That’s what a lot of people do not realize.  This issue is going to reach Brett Favre retirement level of media hype before it is all said and done.  But he’s not going to do anything to mess up his current situation; he is too savvy of a business man.  Do we support the departure?  Only if it’s to the BROOKLYN Nets, and only if Jay-Z is still involved.  The possibilities with those two cats together are endless, and we love all of them.

23) Could the Other Gasol (Marc) out-stat his brother, Pau?

It could happen.  Throw in the potential decline on Pau’s side due to further suppressing his own output for the good of the Lakers and the Andrew Bynum influence, with Marc’s potential output as the starting center on the run-and-gun Grizzlies, and these two’s stats may look more similar than you might think.  Marc looked good in the Olympics, but he would not be the first Euro to bust in the NBA.  He at least should make last year’s trade look slightly more even than the outright collusion it appeared to be at the time.

24)  What’s the top selling jersey in the NBA this year?

LeBron has got to claim this title eventually, right?  This is the year.  Mark it down.  If not him, it will probably be J.R. Smith (if L.O.N. comes into a trillion dollars and executes the “Jersey In Every Pot” plan).

25)  Are the Spurs too old?  Are the Spurs just dried up old raisins at this point?  Do we really need to discuss them still?  I don’t see their relevancy.

Seriously?  This comes through literally every year.  Check the League Pass ratings for your answer:  more relevant than ever.  Honestly, even if they falter on the court, The French Pastry keeps them relevant on the pop culture tip alone.  Dude is everywhere — NBA Live cover, Windows commercials, the tabloids with Eva, etc.  Los Spurs, holmes.

26)  Who is going to win the dunk contest?  With what kind of dunk?

We are not sure Dwight Howard will be defending his title, as the bona fide star in the dunk contest is a thing of the past.  We gotta put Gerald Green as the odds on favorite, going into the season, now that he is back on a roster, with the Mavs.  Green had the creativity and ability last year, and Superman cape or not, the cupcake dunk is still our favorite ish from last year’s contest.  Only Pac can judge what he might break out this year.

27)  How do you feel about Josh Howard’s off the court issues this Summer?

L.O.N. has lassez faire weed stance — let the people smoke.  But of course, Howard needs to know not to show the seams on national radio.  Same thing with the national anthem hulla baloo.  The man is allowed to speak his mind… but he might want to find a better forum.  The ugliest part of the situation ended up being the despicable emails and internet posts so many people out there anonymously leveled at Howard.  Come on.  In the words of the great Jay Hova, “I thought this was America people?”.  Even if the populace had expressed themselves a little more eloquently, they are contradicting themselves.  This would not be America if we were not allowed to speak our minds!  That being said, if you do not think J.R. Smith is the second coming of Basketball Jesus, ya’ll need to leave the country immediately.

28)  Will anything happen this season to further the belief that the NBA is rigged, like the WWE?

You mean, other than Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry only leaving Dantoni’s bench to perform actual WWE-style wrestling events at all Knicks home games?

29)  How many basketball games are you going to watch this year?

773.

30)  How many live basketball games are you going to watch?

Dang, is the Salesman back?   7?

31)  Please break down the Los Angeles Clippers - is it going to be as fun as it could be?  Baron, Ricky, young Al Thornton and the Twin Towers?

Fun is a good word, unless half the team ends up injured on the bench.  This is Boom Dizzle and Marcus Camby we are dealing with, after all.  Another phrase that might be used is “interesting mix”.  The Caveman and the Camby Man may actually work out well, since Camby likes to launch those 20 foot j’s more than bang on offense, and don’t even think about coming in the paint when they are on D.  But can they deal with smaller lineups?  What will Dunleavy get out of the notoriously mercurial Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas?  Are there too many Davis’ in one place at one time (Baron, Paul and Ricky)?  Will DeAndre Jordan make GMs across the league throw up in their mouths for passing over the one time projected lottery pick?  The people demand answers.

32)  What player is going to become a star this year?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you haven’t been reading.  Think the opposite of Emmitt Rider.


33)  Who is going to be the MVP?

LeBron James.  LeBron James again?  Awwww yeah, again and again.  The time is now.  Give him the jersey sales, the trophies, the triple-double season average… everything except the title.  It’s not quite time, yet.

34)  Overall predictions?

LeBron’s singular talent still will not quite be enough… the Ceatles will not be quite as hungry and will miss James Posey… no one in the Southeast is ready… neither is Philly… Pistons over Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Chris Paul’s singular talent will not quite be enough… Denver is Denver… the Lakers still do not quite feel quite right… Carlos Boozer’s surprisingly tentative/soft performance against the Lakers last year scares us…Dallas is done… Phoenix is rickety… Spurs over Rockets in Western Conference Finals.

Spurs over Pistons in 7.  Classic ish.

35)  What else do I need to know about?

Vinny The Black, coaching the Bulls.  Realize and recognize… We miss Agent Zero.  Get your knee right, playa!… All you DYYEEEE, is this part right here, BOOM!… If there is a God, please, please, please make Sasha Vujacic go back to the short hair… With all the focus on rookies, do not forget about 2nd year guys that could break out.  Keep your eyes on guys like Julian Wright and Thaddeous Young, this year… Kenny and Chuck are back!…

Forget the Olympics… forget perhaps the most-watched single game in international history… the NBA on NBC music is back!  Hot ish!

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 19 points, 2 assists, 2 steals

That’s 19 points on 100% shooting.  100%!  D-Wade follows up his star turn in the Olympic warm-ups with another brilliant performance, shooting a perfect 7-7 from the field and 5-5 from the free throw line.

Worst Of The Night:

The global domination of Nike’s laser etching.  It started out innocently enough, used in shoe designs for Kobe and LeBron, a few years back.  Eventually it even spread to the highest profile of Nike lines — Jordans.  Now?  Both Team USA and Team China featured the etching on their uniforms and warm-ups!  ENOUGH.  Dead it.

Star Of The Night:

LeBron James — 18 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

We gave D-Wade and his cleanly shaved dome the L.O.N.nie, but the highlight reels for the game were supplied by LeBron.  This entire experience is looking like the coronation of King James as King Of The Basketball World, and he showed why in the team’s first game.  A TWO-HANDED BLOCK/CATCH?  A couple more spectacular blocks… alley-oop after alley-oop… LeBron is the face of the so-called Redeem Team and is anxious to eliminate “LeBronze” from his nickname portfolio.

Hometown Hero Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 13 points, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 1 assist

Yao Ming has the weight of billions on his shoulders, serving as the China’s face of these Olympic games.  He served as the flag-bearer during the Opening Ceremonies (off the chain, by the way) and provided one of the enduring moments of the entire Games, as he walked in with a little 9 year-old (making Yao look cartoonishly tall) that survived the recent tragic Sichuan Earthquake, saving two of his classmates in the process.  He’s the most famous athlete in the country leading an under-manned team in what may be the most popular sport in the country.  On top of that, he is fresh off a stress fractured foot that put his Olympics appearance in doubt.

And what?  Yao did not have a great statistical game against the U.S., but he and his mates put up a decent fight, and delighted the electric home crowd.  He came out of the gate firing, nailing a three, and attempting a Globetrotter-ish two-handed, over-the-head, no-look pass, early.  Yao was clearly fired up, showing perhaps more emotion than he has in his entire NBA career to date.  He stayed emotionally involved throughout, celebrating and supporting his teammates even as his country trailed big.  We praise him here, but he would tell you he is only performing his expected duty.

Presidential Ish, George Bush Of The Night:

In tune with his desire to take full advantage of all Presidential perks, G-Dub has been everywhere at the Olympics, including Team USA’s opening match-up against Team China.  He was seen in the hallway as part of the team huddle, looking clearly uncomfortable and out of his element, and then in the stands getting an Omega-1 Death Stare from First Lady Laura Bush.  His forte seems to be his rapport with any and all female athletes (tips from the preceding President, perhaps?).  He participated in a little beach volleyball with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, and then got a big kick out of waving to the women’s hoops squad.  World leadership at work.

Gold Medal In Advertising Of The Night:

The ad execs have brought their gold medal game to the Olympics so far and the basketball-specific ads have been especially top-notch.  Nike is airing a spot combining a couple classics that hope to an inspire a new classic.  In 1983, Marvin Gaye performed what is widely regarded as the greatest rendition of the Star Spangled Banner ever.  Clips of this performance are combined with shots of the USA basketball preparing for their gold medal run, and the iconic “Just Do It” tagline is shown at the end — great.

Coke came up with a concept centered around arguably the two largest figures in the game — Yao Ming and LeBron James.  They enter an arena as adversaries, attempting to one-up each other with national flavor after national flavor, before finally realizing that a common ground — sweet and delicious Coke — can bring them together.  Gold medals all-around.

Doug Collins saying slippage over-and-over again makes us uncomfortable… Who invited Craig Sager, and who let him wear “normal” clothes?… Thanks for another screw-up Time Warner.  The Los Angeles-area Time Warner service does NOT feature the NBC Basketball Channel which is airing EVERY Olympic basketball game.  Thanks again… Meeelllloooo not even close to his goal of 10 boards, only bringing down 4…. Deron Williams looking like Common during the Opening Ceremonies, with the beard and the hat… Tayshaun looked truly amazed walking into the Bird’s Nest… Manu looked 10 years younger during the O.C., and then 10 years OLDER after Argentina lost it’s first game in a battle vs. Lithuania…

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 34 points, 12 boards, 7 assists, 2 steals

What Hubie “Knowledge” Brown wants, he gets. Pre-game, Brown said LeBron needed to approach a triple-double for the Cavs to win this one. While he was 1 assist shy of official L.O.N. Near Triple-Double status, he was fa sho in the ballpark. Result? Cavs win, as Delonte West nailed a corner 3 in the waning seconds, assisted by The King, of course.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Boris Diaw — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This (inserting Diaw into the starting lineup) was either a great coaching move by Mike D’Antoni, or simply a mental let down game for the Spiddurs. Game 5, back in San Anton, will clarify that. Regardless of whether or not it was a great move, or simply a move mandated by Grant Hill’s balky groin, it may be too little too late. The Spurs need to close this thing out in Game 5, though, or the Suns will enter back into official Red Giant status.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes to… Tayshaun Prince. “He’s on fire!”, says the MRSV. Yes, indeed. It was a good day for the MRSV, as her Pistons looked like they had their act together, at least in the 2nd half. Give the ball to Tayshaun! He seems to be their best offensive player, right now.

Straight Shots To The Dome Of The Night:

There were two Playoff-type flagrant fouls committed on Sunday, one by a superstar, and one on a superstar. During the first game of the day, the much hyped LeBron James vs. DeShawn Stevenson match-up was racheted up to yet another level, when DeShawn flagranted Bron-Bron. On a drive to the basket, it appeared DeShawn swung wildly at James’ head, knocking his headband off, and completely missing the ball. The Cavs were upset, and LeBron even mentioned, post-game, “If we was on the park, something definitely would have escalated”. Looking at the replays though, we are not sure of Stevenson’s intent. His play could easily be interpreted as a swipe at the ball that just missed, but the background between the two has people assuming the worst.

Later in the day, we had ourselves a TRUE flagrant. Late in yet another beat down at the hands of New Orleans, Jason Kidd let out all his frustrations, essentially palming Jannero Pargo’s head in the midst of a lay-up, and throwing him to the ground. Flagrant 2, ejection. Now THAT was gangsta.

In The Studio Of The Night:

Chris Webber is keeping it all the way real as the newest member of the best basketball show on TV, Inside The NBA. This would seem to be a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” type situation, but with Knicks GM rumors swirling around Kenny Smith, maybe TNT is simply covering their bases. In his first night, C-Webb proved himself very capable, dropping relevant behind-the-scenes info on the Pistons, and even throwing most of the Mavs roster under the bus, claiming he would only want to go to war with two Mavs — Jason Kidd and Jerry Stackhouse. If they lose the Jet they will suffer on the X’s and O’s side of things, but they will be gaining a guy that is apparently not afraid to speak his mind. The old guard did not miss a chance to haze the studio rook, either, ending the night with funny jab at Webber’s infamous timeout situation in college.

Sam Vincent fired in Charlotte. Larry Brown waiting in the wings?… Hedo Turkoglu wins the “Most Improved Player” Award. Well-deserved… Pat Riley stepping down (again) as Heat head coach…

Wednesday night was full of sound and fury signifying a lot of nothing — a ton of games, but mostly blowouts. There were a lot of stand-out individual performances, at least.

Line AKA Who Is Playing The Knicks Tonight? Of The Night:

LeBron James — 50 points, 10 assists, 8 boards, 4 steals***

***DISCLAIMER: Stats achieved against the NY Knicks may not be valid in all states in the continental U.S. Void where prohibited.

But despite all that… SICK. And he called it against Spike! At one point LeBron could be seen mouthing “50″ to the famed court side director, and then he did it! To make the the evening slightly more surreal, as the game ended, a fan in a James jersey rushed the floor to kiss the King’s ring. Wild.

Worst Of The Night:

Dan Dickau — 20 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

Last night’s performance notwithstanding, Elgin Baylor and the Clippers continuously have TERRIBLE backup point guards. Doug Overton, anyone? This year’s addition to the club is Dan Dickau. Now, it’s one thing to sort of go with a guy as a last resort. You know the situation — everyone gets hurt, and a team signs a guy to a 10-day contract, just to get by. Not the Clips; they went out and traded for Dickau prior to the season! Now, Dickau has a great shot and a beautiful mop of curly hair. What is his biggest weakness, you might ask. He is slower than molasses on a winter day. Inserting him into your lineup GUARANTEES that you will be running a slow down, plodding style. And don’t let the other team decide to pressure him all the way up the court! That is a nightmare. While he has the ball-handling ability to eventually get the ball across half-court, it comes with excruciating effort and a solid 6 seconds off the shot clock. Not only is this painful to watch, but it’s a terribly ineffective way to play basketball. We can only pray this madness will end this off-season, but expecting it to would be to ignore history.

Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 20 boards, 10 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

With the Pistons throwing up brick after brick (36% shooting), SOMEONE was bound to put up a line like this.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Shaq O’Neal — 18 boards, 12 points, 2 assists

The rebounding was there against the Nuggets, but the defense — both individual and team — was not. It is still very much a work in progress in the desert.

Near Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 23 points, 18 assists, 2 steals, 2 boards

M-V-P! M-V-P! M-V-P! We’ll take it… anybody but Mr. Cryant.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Detroit Pistons 78 points vs. the Boston Ceatles

The Pistons are known to put up a clunker like this every now and again, and facing the C’s on the road, in the 2nd of a back-to-back, is not exactly an ideal situation. However, they knew they weren’t getting it done on the offensive end, and used their trademark D to keep it closer than the final score would make it appear. This playoff series is going to be a classic… unless LeBron ruins it!

Minnesota T-Wolves 76 points vs. the Utah Jazz

At least there are some things we can rely on in this mad, mad world. Utah = money, at home.

Rookies Of The Night:

Jared Dudley — 18 boards, 10 points, 2 blocks, 1 steal, 1 assist

Getting extended minutes due to Gerald Wallace’s injury, Dudley is turning out to be everything he was billed to be — a tough, gritty, ball hound. He’s a guy you want on your team. His Bobcats teammates agree, as he helped garner a win against the playoff hopeful Warriors.

Al Thornton — 27 points, 5 boards, 4 blocks

This guy is quickly becoming the go-to guy for the Clip Joint. He’s still a little unrefined and rookie-ish, but his heart definitely does not pump Kool-Aid down the stretch. He’ll shoot it anywhere any time, and he shot the Clips to victory against the Kings in double-OT, this time around. He probably had the play of the night, as well, with his baseline, up-and-under, and-1 dunk.

The Boston crowd was great for the C’s/Pistons game… Julian Wright reached waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back for the tip dunk!… LeBron’s near-half-court YANK to end the first half was ridiculous in it’s apparent ease… Jason Richardson drops 42 against his old mates from G-State… KEVIN JOHNSON FOR MAYOR! Literally. The Ex-Phoenix Sun is running for mayor of Sacramento… Theo Ratliff comes back home to the Pistons… P.J. Brown brings some more veteran presence to the C’s…

Line Of The Night:

LeBr.O.N. James — 31 points, 14 boards, 12 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

You can’t spell LeBron without L.O.N., and he’s proving why, with his second straight triple-double. This one got the Cavs a win, at Indiana.

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 5 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Absolutely no one talks about Toronto, and for that matter Orlando, when it comes to Playoffs. Sure we’d like to see a healthy T.J. Ford back on the team, but Bosh wants the Great White North to be heard. They’ve been to the Playoffs, they’ve won a series, and this year they want more.

Manu Ginobili — 44 points, 4 assists, 3 boards, 1 steal

The actual factual L.O.N.nie winner, but we couldn’t resist the LeBr.O.N. gimmick. Over the past few years many people have wondered what type of numbers Ginobili would put up if he was the focal point of a team — now we know. He would ball. In the month of February he has averaged 25.9 ppg on 50.8% shooting, with two 40+ point games. Thursday night he even threw in the game-winning jump shot. The coupe is on Ma-nu, Gi-nobilis.

Worst Of The Night:

Knicks, 84, 76ers, 124

Yeah, that’s losing by a 40-spot! Extend Isiah! At one point ESPN.com’s scoreboard was not updating, and it looked like New York was winning the 4th quarter 19-0. It turned out to be a malfunction, but it WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED. The Knicks would have still been down by 21!

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 31 points, 11 assists, 9 steals, 5 boards

As the MVP chants rained down in the N.O., Paul stole the show in Jason Kidd’s Mavs debut.

Earl Watson — 15 points, 9 assists, 8 boards

This is a CLASSIC case of a bad player putting up big numbers on a bad team. We watched this game, and despite playing NBA point guard now for 7 years, he still makes a lot of middle school decisions. P.J. Carlesimo is definitely only enduring the Alien Head Era, not enjoying it.

Trade Part I Of The Night:

Cleveland gets:

Wally Szczerbiak
Delonte West
Ben Wallace
Joe Smith
2009 2nd Round Pick

Chicago gets:

Larry Hughes
Drew Gooden
Cedric Simmons
Shannon Brown

Seattle gets:

Donyell Marshall
Ira Newble
Adrian Griffin

This seems like a big mess. Trading for the sake of trading? As Kenny Smith pointed out on Inside The NBA last night, all the players Cleveland received have huge question marks. Sure, if each one works out perfectly, the Cavs will be in great shape. But if each guy plays like he has been, they’ll probably be worse off than before. Chicago and Seattle succeeded by getting out from underneath terrible contracts, and the Bulls probably ended up the single most valuable commodity, in Drew Gooden.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

Houston gets:

Bobby Jackson
Adam Haluska

Rights to Sergei Lishouk

Memphis gets:

Marcus Vinicius
Rights to Malick Badiane
Cash

New Orleans gets:

Bonzi Wells
Mike James

Thank you for facilitating, Memphis. Chris Wallace must have friends in high places, in either Houston or N.O. Or they just wanted to keep it a South Thang. This is simply a move to sure up a couple weak areas, for the stretch run. Mike James sort of is Bobby Jackson, so N.O. gets their money for nothing, and their chicks for free. Houston’s motivation was getting rid of Mike James’ contract… you know, they one they just game him prior to this season! This trade proves that was one of the stupidest signings ever.

Trade Part III Of The Night:

Houston gets:

Gerald Green

Minnesota gets:

Kirk Snyder
2nd Round Pick
Cash

Why not take a flier on Green? He can score, which he showed while he was in Boston. For some unknown reason, Minnesota never game him a chance, so he does seem to come with a “Buyer Beware” tag. The Rockets lose practically nothing though, so why not?

Trade Part IV Of The Night:

Denver gets:

Taurean Grean

Portland gets:

Von Wafer

No clue. Who cares? Every player with the last name Green had to be traded by league mandate? Philly missed the memo, keeping Willie? The L.O.N. C.E.O. and Resident Scientist do have a bet, though, as to whether Green will still be in the League in the couple years… so maybe this will affect that?

Trade Part V Of The Night:

Detroit gets:

Juan Dixon

Toronto gets:

Primoz Brezec

Nice for Detroit. Brezec was not playing for them, and they pick up a nice veteran back court guy in Dixon, who can shoot that rock. Guess Toronto just wanted front court depth. And they can never have enough European players!

Trade Part VI Of The Night:

San Antonio gets:

Kurt Thomas

Seattle gets:

Brent Barry
Francisco Elson
2009 1st Round pick

Yet ANOTHER guy goes back home, as Barry goes back to the place where he had his best years. However, the story of this is Kurt Thomas. Is there a better fit for San Antonio? He’ll slide right in, adding defense, toughness and a nice little jump shot. Most importantly, he adds crazy eyes!!!! Yes.

Forget Devin Harris, Marcus Williams=freed. 25 points, 4 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block in his first start in the post-Jason Kidd era… Detroit has hit a rough patch coming out of the break, losing two in a row. They better take out Milwaukee tonight, before they go on the road to play Phoenix, Denver and Utah… If the Phoenix/LA and Boston/G-State games are any indication, this stretch run of the season is going to live up to the hype… Boom Dizzle at the buzzer — YES!!!!… Somebody done told D.J. Mbenga wrong. He thought Shaq’s Diner was closed? EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!…

Line Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 26 points, 9 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals, 1 alien head

We hate on this guy so much, but we have to him give credit when credit is due. Watson has been on fire in February, and it’s even resulted in a few Sonics victories. Last night, they didn’t even have Kevin Durant, who was out with the flu, and won, albeit against fellow cellar-dwellar, Memphis.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

What? You thought this was going to be about the trade?

LeBron James — 26 points, 13 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

The King does not care who surrounds him, All-Stars, Cavs, whatever; he is putting up all-around stats regardless. However, the scoreboard does care, as the full stat sheet did not a win get. When you go from from Kidd and D-Wade to Larry Hughes and Ira Newble in your back court, the wins are tougher. One other thing that is immediately obvious when looking at a Cavs box score — Danny Ferry LOVES Rich Boy. Drew Gooden, Donyell Marshall, Daniel Gibson, Damon Jones and Dwayne Jones? THROW SOME D‘S ON THAT TEAM!

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Oh, so you thought THIS one would be about the trade?

Marcus Camby — 13 boards, 11 points, 9 blocks, 3 assists, 3 steals

Camby gets copious amount of L.O.N. love, whether he’s beasting it, or J-Kidding it. This effort came in the game of the night, a 124-118 Denver victory over Boston, in K.G.’s return to the court. Camby stuffed the stat sheet, but the block that would have given him the full triple-double? EAT YOUR BREAKAST!!!!, c/o Paul Peezy.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats, 65 vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

The Bobcats really used the All-Star break to recharge, re-energize, and come back for a strong stretch run! Um… not quite. For awhile it appeared both squads would be contraction eligible, but Old Man Finley turned it on and the Spurs at least managed 85. Put this game at the end of The Departed… dome shot, please.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs get:

Jason Kidd
Antoine Wright
Malik Allen

Dirty Jerse Nets get:

Devin Harris
Desagana Diop
Trenton Hassell
Maurice Ager
Keith Van Horn
2008 First Round Pick
2010 First Round Pick
$3 million in cash

Finally. It’s done. We can move on. With all of the incessant coverage of this on-again-off-again trade, we won’t bore you with too much analysis. We’ll just say that in our eyes, this is just as questionable, scheme-wise, as the Shaq deal. And two more words: Erick Dampier. Oh yeah… and they still Dirk “Fold-up Chair” Nowitzki.

You Know When They Said That? When I Was Back Home Of The Night:

An interesting sub-plot of several of the recent NBA trades is the fact that players involved have been returning to the teams with which they started their NBA teams. Chris Webber is now back in Golden State, with even the same coach, in Don Nelson. Jason Kidd is back in Dallas, where he won Co-Rookie Of The Year (word to Grant Hill). These two both had volatile runs the first time around. Nellie knows C-Webb probably doesn’t have the juice any more to create a franchise-splitting rift, but there is no word of Toni Braxton’s whereabouts, and if she could possibly get herself involved in a Kidd/Nowitzki love triangle.

A couple of other guys returning to their NBA roots do not have major roles now, but definitely did way back when. Anthony Johnson will most likely continue his journeyman career following this stint with the Kings, but the last time he was in Sactown, 97-98, he was one of the most surprising rookies in the League, starting most of the year and averaging what is still a career-high for him, 29.4 minutes per game. Meanwhile, Keith Van Horn is returning to his Dirty Jerse stomping grounds, although it remains to be seen how much high-socked terror he will be able to unleash in the Izod Zone. But if you’re looking for some comfortable and, uh, soft clothes to wear… head to Jersey. We hear Van Horn and Vince Carter, AKA The Tissue Twins, are coming out with a new lounge wear line… or maybe they’ll be Victoria’s Secret “Pink” models!

The Boston/Denver game had another EAT YOUR BREAKFAST moment, when Carmelo went baseline and served breakfast for two to Big Baby Davis and Tony Allen!… Rajon Rondo, meanwhile, perhaps buying into his baby-face-ness, went smaaaaaaaaaaaaash time on some kid sitting court side, eating Dippin’ Dots. Elbow to the domepiece and the kid’s shoulder/elbow area. It makes us sick to see some spoiled brat sitting front row and not even paying attention to one of the better match-ups in the League… The Knicks turning point, perhaps? A heated exchange took place in the final regulation huddle of the Knicks/Wiz game, involving Q-Rich and Zach Randolph, while seemingly aimed at Nate Robinson. It worked, as they stopped Antonio Daniels’ final shot, and then kilt ‘em in OT…