L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 52 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 blocks

No question on this one.  The Kobe-hating part of our office wanted the King to go for at least 62.  However, the side of the office that likes sunshine and carefree frolicking, was excited LeBron put HIS signature on the game.  A triple-double is more his style.  And 52 points + 11*2(at least) = 74 points.  So he accounted for more offense than Kobe’s 61 and 3 anyway, right?

But on the reel-to-reels, these inflated stat lines should not be getting as much play as they are, since they are coming against the D’Antoni Knicks.  After all, this is the same system that produced the two sham Steve Nash MVPs.  Shouldn’t the Knicks be angry the League’s stars look at the them as the team they are going to try and set records against?

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Wow, his first one?  He has been close before, but he finally did it, Brooklyn, last night against the Suns in a victory.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jermaine O’Neal — 22 points, 9 boards, 9 blocks, 4 assists

Almost the rarely seen triple-double with blocks.  It was not enough to help the Raptors shine some light on their disappointing season, however, as they took a home L to the Lakers.  Biggest bust team in the League this year, right?  Somebody please get Anthony Parker in the Playoffs, though.  Really.  On a legit contender, preferably.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“When they see you coming down and you outta luck/They gon look at you and say that clown/gassed up, you can hear it when he talkin’/Scored a couple points and now he thinkin’ he Jordan”, “Amnesia”

Pa-poose, pa-poose.  This joint is fire.  It’s over a classic Sade beat, and Pap goes in.

Everybody’s talking about an economic stimulus plan, but what we want from Barack is some sort of stimulus to get Papoose or Saigon to put out an official album.  Soon.

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq on his new intro ritual:

“‘The guys holding me up are called ‘The LPC,” O’Neal declared. ‘The Levitation Process Crew. It’s because I levitate above all competition. And of course, because there is no such thing as levitation, I need a Levitation Process Crew. This Gentleman in my Arms,” he said pointing at Alando Tucker, “shows that we have trust in each other because he’s just diving into my arms - and I just want to let him know that I got his back. It’s a symbol of trust.’”

Keep ‘em coming, Shaq.

Honestly, Give Durant The Ball In Crunch Time Of The Night:

Looks like every time Denver and OKC get together it’s gonna go to right to the end, culminating in some manner of spectacularity.  Last night Carmelo came out on top again, hitting a ridiculous runner.  We are still angry though, that Kevin Durant’s teammates do not fully realize the capo status he has attained.  GIVE THE MAN THE BALL!  In the final few minutes, Russell Westbrook actually waved him off, then ended up shooting a fadeway jumper that had absolutely no chance!  Come on, ya’ll.  Let the man live.

The Pistons took down the Heat in a battle for Eastern Conference mediocrity supremacy.  Good, close game, too… How gross does this Hornets team look without CP3?… Jay-Z, Mr. Barber.  Mr. Barber, Jay-Z…

It was official Clinton Sparks/SmashTime night in the NBA on Friday, with 5 out of the 9 games ending in 20+ point blowouts.  But at least the late night jawns were “burn-barners” as the Chuckster might say.

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 46 points, 15 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

We are not completely on Gary Payton’s side (that would probably be difficult anyway, considering it was unclear exactly what his point was for much of his Thursday night All-Star discourse), but at least for this night, we are going with individual performance over winning.  Eric Gordon put up 41 for the winning Clip Joint, but score was essentially all he did.  Durant added the boards, AND went 24-26 from the free throw line!  If it’s not this year, his double-digit All-Star streak will start soon enough.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rafer Alston — 17 points, 8 boards, 8 assists

With Yao tweaking his knee early in the game, not even this all-around effort from Skip was enough for the Rockets to win in Indiana.

LeBron James — 32 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

And the buzzer-beater to silence the rowdy Oakland fans.

Stephen Jackson — 24 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This game was hard to watch for the first three quarters.  There were a ton of fouls and not much flow.  The the 4th quarter happened.   Tight game, up-and-down, and in the final minute the King and the Captain went shot for shot.  LeBron got the last shot though, spoiling Monta Ellis’ return.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Phoenix Suns — 76 points vs. Charlotte

This is the type of game that makes the average sports fan hate the NBA.  A lot of Charlotte fans probably came to this game or watched on TV, excited to see guys like Shaq, Amar’e, Nash, etc. and then the entire Suns roster simply rolled over (we’d mention the Bucks/Hawks blowout, but we’re guessing ATLiens were not fired up to see if Joe Alexander could register on ‘Nique’s Dunk-O-Meter).  Not even Jason Richardson could get inspired to play against his old team.  Of course, as bad as this game was, it was probably more interesting than whatever you want to call what Jake Delhomme did a couple of weeks back.  The Bobcats took advantage, for sure, and it was never a contest.  They are now creepin’ on a playoff come up.

Warning Sign Of The Night:

Ricky Davis — 11 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals, 1 block, 1 point

1 point and 11 assists for Ricky Davis?  We are honestly worried about Ricky’s mental state now.

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

East:

Allen Iverson
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Kevin Garnett
Dwight Howard

West:

Chris Paul
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan
Amare Stoudemire
Yao Ming

All-in-all, we think the fans got it pretty much right, this year.  Hard to come up with strong arguments against any of these selections.  Would have been interesting to see if David Stern would have allowed the Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen selections, though.

What Is Gary Payton Talking About Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 30 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 4 blocks

Really?  Not an All-Star starter, GP?

Has Dwight Howard been watching the Shawn Kemp post-shot celebration how-to video?  You know, the Cleveland years, when Kemp would add a little flourish to even the simplest of plays?  Howard is borrowing heavily from Shaq as well, for the specifics.  He’s giving the post-dunk crouch-face, the hand stare after a shot… Maybe Dr. Ruth taught him… Now that Alonzo Mourning retired, can we also retire those annoying Gatorade ads in which he brags about his golf game?… Must see tv:  C-Webb and GP talk Nene wedding plans… We think we like this year’s all-star unis.  Or our expectations so low now anything would have impressed us?  And the Mailroom Supervisor tells us not to buy in to this “improves your vertical by 4%” nonsense…

Line Of The Night:

Boobie Gibson — 33 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 11-20 from downtown, 1 Rookie Game MVP

Yeah, that’s right, 20 shots, all from behind the 3-point line! And most of them right in front of this biggest fan, or at least the most famous, LeBron James, who was sitting court side. He’s about to mess around and pigeonhole himself. Seven of these came in the first half, as the Sophomores took the lead for good, coming away with the 6th straight win for the 2nd-year guys. Time for another format change, maybe?

Play Of The Night:

No doubt about this. Sean Williams, for the rookie squad, came with an All-Star game favorite — the “throw it off the board to your self” slam. The dribbling and passing came as a little bit of a surprise from Andre Three-thou… er, Williams, as it usually comes from the more wing-type players. We also found out that Williams loves to throw up various hand signals, and seems to be a member of the Drew Gooden-”head”ed “All-Airhead” team. Goofball.

Beating Up On The Neighborhood Kids Of The Night:

Terrell Owens — 18 points and the celebrity game MVP

Despite showing up late, Owens dominated this game, as a man in his athletic prime playing against out-of-shape celebrities should! It was ridiculous, as he clearly had everybody out-matched. T.O. even dunked it, CONVINCINGLY! Teammate Master P’s clutch free throws helped earn their squad the win, locking up the award for Owens. But seriously, was this even fair? The WNBA pros simply go through the motions, letting the celebs compete and enjoy themselves. T.O. was having that, saying “I crush you cock-a-roaches”.

Worst Of The Night:

The overall feel of the Celebrity Game. We blame ESPN for this. We understand a celebrity game isn’t the biggest draw in the world, but MTV Rock-N-Jock used to do it well. ESPN turns it into an absolute train wreck. How is it a good idea to turn a huge chunk of the broadcast into a cooking show? There is probably a way to do that well, but that was not it. Then Carmelo, who apparently doesn’t have a single musical bone in his body, is invited into an attempt at a Jazz duet? And what in the haaa-yell was that tarot card reader? Amare Stoudemire could not even attempt to take that nut bag seriously! That was wild.

But the worst part every year is the attempt to make the announcers and reporters into the stars. Ya’ll ain’t got Charles and Kenny. Looks like even Greg Anthony and Tim Legler have refused to participate in these ridiculousness. As B or C-List as many of the celebrity participants may be, their Q-ratings are 1,000 times greater than Ric Bucher. Ric Bucher? Please. If he’s not telling us which ball Kobe scratched first when he woke up this morning, then we don’t want to hear it. Um… scratch that. Just shut the hell up on all occasions.

They missed out on a close game, but how could anyone watching be expected to get into it with all the ridiculous sideshows. The players tried to take it seriously, despite the surrounding circus, and the 1-point margin of victory will most likely result in the most competitive game of the weekend. Common got hacked!

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Charles Barkley needs to stop the hate crimes on Kevin Durant. He had the nerve to say that of all the players on the court for the Rookie Challenge, if he could only pick 1 to start a franchise, he would pick in the following order: 1) Brandon Roy, 2) Al Horford, 3) Yi Jianlian. The Chuckster done lost his mind. We totally disagree, but we understand the Roy and Horford arguments. However, hopefully by now you’ve seen the glaring omission from this list — KEVIN DURANT!!!!!!!!! Barkley was ranting about how one-dimensional was, while on the court, Durant was balling out, dropping dimes, blocking shots and rebounding. His regular season stats don’t show it yet, but this young cat is crazy versatile. If we could have Durant OR all of those 3, we’d still take KD — he’s gonna be that good. Jianlian? Come on, Chuck. At least Kenny called him out on it, a little.

Player Most Respected In The Huddle Of The Night:

In the celebrity game, Chris Tucker was bombing 3’s like it was Rush Hour 99. Dude had zero conscience. He hit three 3’s, two off glass! He absolutely did not care. His jump shot was so ugly that FEMA had to be called (and didn’t come) to New Orleans, AGAIN! Disgusting. So going into the last possession, with his squad down one, his teammate, Floyd Mayweather, said something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot no 3 this time!”, with a menacing look and tone. Comedy. They came out and you can be damn sure Tucker did not fire, even though he received the inbounds pass! Classic. He couldn’t WAIT to pass.

Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Straight from the MRSV mouth: “Al Horford for rocking that mouth guard to protect the pearly whites.” Charles Barkley agrees, we’re sure. Can you say “man crush”?

Fashion Review Of The Night:

We’re not even sure what to say about the celebrity uniforms. Purple, blue and teal argyle? Those joints were horrible. At least the purple with gold shine warm-up t’s were kinda hot.

Kevin Durant debuted his new shoes, which are solid neon, Oregon Duck yellow. In fact, as Craig Sager interviewed Durant prior to the game, the camera panned down and the Earth was nearly split to the core from the color explosion unleashed by KD’s dogs on the same screen as Sager’s shiny Easter Egg pastel purple dress shoes!

The veteran players sitting sideline at the Rookie Challenge always come dressed to impress, and this year was no exception. LeBron was sitting with K.G., and each brought their own unique style. The L.O.N. offices disagreed on who was stylin’ on who. The MRSV preferred Garnett’s patented, preppy sweater over collared-shirt look, while the C.E.O. was feeling LeBron’s urban casual, as he rocked a multi-colored (possibly a tribute to his high school colors — green and gold) leather coat, jeans, and matching A-1’s. The King also had an interesting, relatively subtle double-pendant chain. Chris Paul followed The Kid’s lead, as he had on his own neon-yellow sweater (is neon yellow the new black?), but his accessory was a fat wad of hundreds that he pulled out to pay for his court side refreshments! And despite not being a part of the main event for the first time in ages, Big Shaq was on hand looking distinguished in one of his trademark suits.

Worst dressed? Sorry, but it had to be Carmelo Anthony. In attendance with his wife, LaLa Vazquez, Melo rocked a Valentine’s Day-themed ensemble featuring a red leather coat and a baseball hat with a big heart on it. That might sound bad, but he actually could’ve pulled it off… if it had been V-Day! That was yesterday, homey.

Tony Parker wins NBA Live tourney at EA Sports party… Andrea Bargnani came out aggressive, but then disappeared for the rest of the game. Sam Mitchell was like, “Now, there’s my guy!”… Common, with the baldy and just the way he plays, is officially the Jason Kidd of the celebrity circuit… One Tree Hill’s James Lafferty was possible the best non-professional player in the celeb game, but they wouldn’t give him the ball enough… Gangsta rap fans everywhere celebrated as Master P rolled on Common! Ha… Was Terry Crews in The Mitchell Report? He came out muscled-down and shouting like a crazy man. Then during a break, he showed ridiculous dance moves. Who knew he was the poor-man’s Jamie Foxx? AKA the most talented man in Hollywood?… The kids at the Rookie Game were like European futbol fans, just screaming for no reason, constantly… Sorry, Paul Millsap, please respectfully decline all future All-Star-type invites. It’s just not your scene, playa… FREE AL THORNTON!