L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year.  The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule.  David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters.  The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo.  Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo.  Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent.  What?  5 bullets.  38 points.  Millions of records sold.  Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth.  Yo, I’m 50 Cent.  Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night.  They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury.  He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting.  He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls.  Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals.  The King probably would tell you differently, though.  He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.”  TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way.  “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.”  Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J.  Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win.  You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall.  Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity Glare.  Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 points, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns.  That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart.  If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin.  Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win.  How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation?  He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards.  First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack.  We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack.  That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s.  Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes.  The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary?  Almost.  The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets?  Looks like it.  Come on.  Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trailblazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this?  And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance.  Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge.  The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third.  Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court.  And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse?  Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets.  It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip!  Love it.  Detroiters probably due to, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here.  But can we get a C’s mention?  The Jayhawks?  Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hair looks…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…