L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

After the wildly weird and uncomfortable Lil Wayne/Skip Bayless/Dana Jacobson ESPN segment, we’re not sure if we are actually writing this or if we now exist in a post-apocalyptic ether… not to mention Kobe praise is found in these here margins.  Yeah, post-apocalyptic ether it is.  Eeeeeeeee-ther boy.
Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 32 points, 15 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

David West only had 40 because of CP3 so dead the protests.  This double-headed monster took down the Lakers in the Staples Center, and now quietly have the 2nd best record in the West.  #3 by mere percentage points?  Spid-durs.  Believe the Lakers hype at your own peril.

Obligatory Kobe Praise Of The Year Of The Night:

#10.  Really?  #10?  We’ll give #1 to Caron, but beyond that… take it from here, Seth and Amy.  REAALLY?!?  A former dunk champ blocks a midget’s shot and that’s higher?  REAAAAALLLY?!?  A former dunk champ hits a tip dunk and that’s higher?   REAAAAAAAAAALLY?!?  The Kobster’s teammate does a basic spin and dunk, and that’s higher?  Really?!?  Ok, we take part of it back… the Dwight Howard tip dunk was absolutely supertastic.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Sorry, Marcus.  Honestly.  [whispering]  Clip Joint loses… again … 107-102 in Dallas.

Tribute Track Of The Night:

If you came up when L.O.N. did, then we dare you not to shed a tear listening to Jadakiss and Faith’s “Letter To B.I.G.“.  Right from the top when he says, “In your memory I keep a Coogi in my closet/Kangol on the rack with fresh pair of Wally’s”… that hits deep.  To be honest, we are scared about the upcoming biopic, Notorious.  Obama or no Obama, no matter how good it is — even if it was Oscar-worthy — there’d be the mainstream idiots out there trivializing the fact that the movie even exists.  So we beg… please, please, please let this movie be good, so at least we can feel good about defending it.  Because it WILL be defended.  Word to Ron Artest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Eric Gordon — 32 points, 6 assists, 3 boards

Give the man 46 minutes against the still-not-so-good-at-D Mavs, and you get 32 points.  How does a team with so many outstanding individual performances win so few games?  Oh… right… their coach is Mike Dunleavy.

Old Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 3 points, 1 block

Only Kidd misses the Near Triple-Double due to lack of scoring.  It’s his new signature.  Maybe he should get it tattooed on his ring finger.  If Brett Favre comes back again, on any given Sunday next fall, Kidd total points in a game vs. Favre interceptions might be a 50/50 proposition.

Not Ideal Follow Up Of The Night:

McGradles — 14 points on 5-15 shooting, 9 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 loss to the Sixers, 1 tragically gimpy knee

Just a guess, but if you were playing Apples To Apples, and the card said, “Best Follow Up To Defiant Media Comments“, you would not throw down your “5-15 shooting performance while limping around leading to a loss” card.

A Tribe/Jordan collabo?  That’s the definition of L.O.N.  Sick… To the Mavs courtside seat fan in the lower lefthand corner of your screen with the pink clappers:  ENOUGH!… The Grizz waived D-Miles following Tuesday’s loss, but at least he got this block in.  But no fist-to-head bump!… MJ was all smiles after his Bobcats beat the C’s.  Big win, right?  But the real reason for the smile?  FREE BASKETBALL!!!, of course… Harlem, get light… Alexis Ajinca or Nathan Jawai?  QUICK!  NOW!!!!  SAY IT!!!  PICK ONE NOW!!!  DO IT!!! HURRY!  NOW!  IMMEDIATELY!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Devin Harris — 38 points, 5 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

These 38 points against the Pistons included 20-24 from the line!  The question everyone is going to ask… would Chauncey have allowed that?  A.I.’s offense is unquestioned, but he brings a different type of defensive presence than Mr. Big Shot.  Even on O, down the stretch, there were a couple of plays where A.I. made a much different play than Chauncey would have in the same situation, but A.I.’s way worked, too, in those cases.  Losing to the teams like the Nets, though, will not work.  So it still remains to be seen how well he will fit in defensively — and overall — with a franchise that has become synonymous with the word “team” in recent history.

Worst Of The Night:

Have the wheels fallen completely off in D.C.?  The Wiz dropped to 0-4 after a 108-114 loss to the Knicks on Friday. Ever since Agent Zero hurt his knee, they started to develop and identity as a tough, gritty, defensive team, and now, so far this year, they are giving up more points than a great icosahedral 120-cell.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

So this is what he would look like if D-Wade was allowed to play back at Marquette for a few games.  After the Tony Parker injury, San Anton went from a team that traditionally has one of the best D’s in the league, to a team that looks like one of the best D-League teams, in the league.

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 blocks, 1 steal

You know what it is, you know how it is.  The 4 blocks really underscores probably the only under-rated aspect of the King’s game — his D.  And speaking of game… Business LeBron has plenty of it, don’t he?

C.J. Watson — 9 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 torn elbow ligament

Watson took over Nellie’s point guard reins, in place of DeMarcus Nelson, Friday night, and stuffed the stat sheet, but the team took an L to the Grizz.  This could be yet another short-term situation, as Marcus Williams — the most pedigree-ed PG of the 3 — finally made his Warriors debut and may have this spot on lock soon.

Jason Kidd — 22 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

A near-triple-double list this long would only be complete with the master.  Uh… what were we saying about Billups’ D?

Juan Dixon made a surprising run at this section last night, too, but amazingly came up short in the points column with only 5 — rarely seen.

Moment Of Reflection Of The Night:

The scene:  Carmelo Anthony, fresh off a victory over the Dallas Mavericks, in Chauncey Billups’ (a legit point guard) debut, wanders Denver’s 16th Street Mall, with a mindless grin wide across his face, mumbling:

“And I wonder, if you know, what it means…. to find your dreams… And I’m back on my grind… a psychic read my lifeline… Told me in my lifetime… My name would help light up the Denver skyline.. and that’s why I’m… 7 o’clock that’s prime time… Coach Karl watch, imploring me from the sidelines… he always give me playing time…I’m a star, how could I not shine?…Now Chauncey Billups in the house… Chauncey Billups in the house without a doubt… Something with this deal got me thinking it’s for real… I gotta point!… We got a Black presideeeeeeent… Trade it for nothing, not even a MVP and some riiiiiiiiiiiiings… You ever wonder what it all really mean?… You ever wonder if you’ll ever find your dreams?”

Team Dime Of The Night:

Mike Bibby — 19 points, 12 assists, 3 boards,

Apparently Bibby is not intimidated by all those mean mugs Jose Calderon offers up during games.  Apparently the rest of the league should be intimidated by — GASP — the best team in the East, your Atlanta Hawks!  They stomped the life out of the Raptors last night (come on fellas, make a run!) despite losing J-Smoove early on to a high ankle sprain.  The ATLiens might even be able to keep this type of play up without their star, considering their bench has been a strength so far this season.  Smith may decide he has achieved it all and just retire, anyway.  Right before he got hurt, he put down a sick alley oop and received a perfect 10 on the vaunted Dominique “Dunk-O-Meter”.  Really, what more is there?

Shaq sits out vs. the Bulls in the first game of a back-to-back situation, and with that 6 and 5 line, looks like Steve Nash basically sat out, too… George Hill at least showed the physical attributes to explain his selection by the Spurs in the 1st round… This just in — the Jazz are good at home… Brad Miller back on the scene, drops a double-double on Al Jefferson’s head, Kings win…  Come on.  Rudy Gay.  That dude is sick.  Nastaculous.  We once called him the next Tim Thomas.  Public apology…  FREE RUSSELL WESTBROOK!… Sorry, K-Mart, but we’re not feeling the lip print tattoo behind your ear.  It’s not even because it’s red lips.  It makes us feel like we have an itch behind our ear… OMG, Brandon Bass, says the Birdman…

Vegas. March Madness. House guests. Yeah, at L.O.N. we make excuses. We know ya’ll are feeling L.O.N.nie withdrawal, but want to know the real reason we’re back? The Charlotte Bobcats just won 3 straight road games on the West Coast! A higher power is definitely telling us something. And the time for our Chris Paul for MVP campaign is waning.

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 26 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

This came vs. Philly in the 2nd of a back-to-back. Following a horrid Saturday night (see below) for the Cavs, Sunday saw them get back on track with a win over the young upstart of the Eastern Conference.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Caron Butler — 17 points, 12 boards, 12 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Looks like when/if Gilbert comes back, he will be coming back to Caron’s team. Butler has his imprint all over this Wizards squad now, and it was almost enough to take down the Kobster and the Lakers on Sunday night. The Lake Show ended up having just enough to close out a 6-point OT win.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 14 assists, 13 points, 9 boards, 1 steal

An aging Kidd is a prime example of why Kenny Smith pays stat sheets no attention. For Kidd the triple-doubles (especially when playing in Oaktown!) flow like water, but the wins flow like molasses; there is no longer a correlation between the two. The 114-104 Warriors win left the West’s playoff race in perhaps it’s most muddled state to date. These two squads and the Nuggets now find themselves locked in a dead 3-way tie for 7-9 spots, but in 3 distinct spots on the momentum chart — Mavs sinking, Nuggets rising, and Warriors sitting right where they have been all year.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Miami Heat, 62 vs. Boston Celtics

There is really no polite way to describe what is going on with the Heat right now, so we will stick to the facts. Kasib Powell played 40 minutes. Blake Ahearn, Joel Anthony and Stephane Lasem all played 20+. The team shot 28.8%, making only 17 field goals. Rob Bironas might have had more than that for the Titans in one game this past NFL season.

Cleveland Cavaliers, 71 vs. Detroit Pistons

The Pistons have been teetering a bit, of late, but it appears when they are fully focused, they are still the same ol’ Stones. Remember this, though: Detroit has not one a title since the departure of Mehmet Okur. And that’s real.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Thornton — 39 points, 5 steals, 3 boards, 2 assists.

He lit up the Grizz (okay, that might just downplay the whole issue), showing that the Clip Joint may have found the best pure scorer in the history of their organization. That’s an “off the top of the dome” comment, but if it’s not true, we’d love to hear the other challengers. Terry Dehere? A 50 year-old ‘Nique? The Polish Rifle in his prime?

We still don’t really know what David West does, but damn if he doesn’t have 30 and 10 at the end of the night more often than you’d think… The Spurs won their 7th straight, resurrecting themselves from the media’s graveyard for the 2nd time this season… Rashad McCants for 6th Man Of The Year in 2008-2009. Get your campaign contributions in, now… Surprise, surprise. Now Derek Fisher has an injury excuse just like his good friend and P-N-C Kobe…

Line Of The Night:

DeShawn Stevenson — 33 points, 3 boards, 1 assist, 1 steal

We don’t know if it’s the coach, the spirit of the players, our just some sort of magic, but the Wizards might the be toughest, scrappiest team in the L. Their star player, Gilbert Arenas, has missed most of the season. Their next best, Caron Butler, his missed double-digit games. Yet and still, they are out there every game, competing, and have close to a .500 record. Last night, on the strength of Stevenson’s career night — most points he’s ever scored as well as his first game-winning shot — the Wiz knocked off Western Conference powerhouse, New Orleans. They might not have the most talent, but they are going to battle you fa sho doe.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 steals

New team, same old tricks. He’s doing his part, but we’re still not really convinced as to how much better he actually makes the Mavs. They won this one, though, 102-94 over <R. Kelly voice> Chiiiiiiiiii-whuuut? </R. Kelly singing voice>

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks 74 points vs. San Antonio Spurs

And it was the SPURS that only scored 5 points in the first quarter! This Hawks team is very talented, but still has a long way to go before they figure out the oh-so elusive skill of “knowing how to win”. Kurt Thomas knows how to win, and win he did in his Spurs debut. 9 boards in 13 minutes, young’ns.

LA Clip Joint 76 points vs. Boston Ceatles

This was the absolute worst we have seen a team play this year. It seemed like 90% of the time, one Clipper would just dribble the shot clock away and someone would have to force a shot. On one possession, Tim Thomas had the ball and was looking to pass into the post. It appeared the other guys were not running the play correctly, and Thomas appeared extremely frustrated, motioning vehemently at his teammates. Eventually he chased the ball down in a corner, and hit a shot from BEHIND the backboard, as the clock expired, and fumed his way back down the court! You know it’s bad when Tim Thomas has to be the one to get on his teammates!

Injury Of The Night:

Yao Ming is set to miss the rest of the season, due to a stress fracture in his left foot. This news comes at a terrible time, with the Rockets playing the best they have all year and riding a 12-game winning streak. Ouch, ouch, ouch. You would think this is great news for the other Western Conference teams on the Playoff Bubble — G-State and Denver — as it seems unlikely the T-Macs could hold onto the 6th spot. Stranger things have happened, though. Maybe Coach Adelman can just place the recently acquired Gerald Green in the low-post and have him jump straight up and down, in an attempt to fulfill their center needs?. FREE DIKEMBE!

The Pistons Being The Pistons Of The Night:

In Chauncey Billups return to Denver, the Pistons showed exactly what they are all about. In many situations like this, the individual will try to get his shine on for his homecoming, but not the team-orientated Detroit Pistons. Billups, Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun all went out and scored exactly 20 points, and the Pistons grinded out another road win. Pistons Power.

The Troy Murphy pump fake! Recognize. And maybe realize…

Line Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 26 points, 9 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals, 1 alien head

We hate on this guy so much, but we have to him give credit when credit is due. Watson has been on fire in February, and it’s even resulted in a few Sonics victories. Last night, they didn’t even have Kevin Durant, who was out with the flu, and won, albeit against fellow cellar-dwellar, Memphis.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

What? You thought this was going to be about the trade?

LeBron James — 26 points, 13 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

The King does not care who surrounds him, All-Stars, Cavs, whatever; he is putting up all-around stats regardless. However, the scoreboard does care, as the full stat sheet did not a win get. When you go from from Kidd and D-Wade to Larry Hughes and Ira Newble in your back court, the wins are tougher. One other thing that is immediately obvious when looking at a Cavs box score — Danny Ferry LOVES Rich Boy. Drew Gooden, Donyell Marshall, Daniel Gibson, Damon Jones and Dwayne Jones? THROW SOME D‘S ON THAT TEAM!

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Oh, so you thought THIS one would be about the trade?

Marcus Camby — 13 boards, 11 points, 9 blocks, 3 assists, 3 steals

Camby gets copious amount of L.O.N. love, whether he’s beasting it, or J-Kidding it. This effort came in the game of the night, a 124-118 Denver victory over Boston, in K.G.’s return to the court. Camby stuffed the stat sheet, but the block that would have given him the full triple-double? EAT YOUR BREAKAST!!!!, c/o Paul Peezy.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats, 65 vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

The Bobcats really used the All-Star break to recharge, re-energize, and come back for a strong stretch run! Um… not quite. For awhile it appeared both squads would be contraction eligible, but Old Man Finley turned it on and the Spurs at least managed 85. Put this game at the end of The Departed… dome shot, please.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs get:

Jason Kidd
Antoine Wright
Malik Allen

Dirty Jerse Nets get:

Devin Harris
Desagana Diop
Trenton Hassell
Maurice Ager
Keith Van Horn
2008 First Round Pick
2010 First Round Pick
$3 million in cash

Finally. It’s done. We can move on. With all of the incessant coverage of this on-again-off-again trade, we won’t bore you with too much analysis. We’ll just say that in our eyes, this is just as questionable, scheme-wise, as the Shaq deal. And two more words: Erick Dampier. Oh yeah… and they still Dirk “Fold-up Chair” Nowitzki.

You Know When They Said That? When I Was Back Home Of The Night:

An interesting sub-plot of several of the recent NBA trades is the fact that players involved have been returning to the teams with which they started their NBA teams. Chris Webber is now back in Golden State, with even the same coach, in Don Nelson. Jason Kidd is back in Dallas, where he won Co-Rookie Of The Year (word to Grant Hill). These two both had volatile runs the first time around. Nellie knows C-Webb probably doesn’t have the juice any more to create a franchise-splitting rift, but there is no word of Toni Braxton’s whereabouts, and if she could possibly get herself involved in a Kidd/Nowitzki love triangle.

A couple of other guys returning to their NBA roots do not have major roles now, but definitely did way back when. Anthony Johnson will most likely continue his journeyman career following this stint with the Kings, but the last time he was in Sactown, 97-98, he was one of the most surprising rookies in the League, starting most of the year and averaging what is still a career-high for him, 29.4 minutes per game. Meanwhile, Keith Van Horn is returning to his Dirty Jerse stomping grounds, although it remains to be seen how much high-socked terror he will be able to unleash in the Izod Zone. But if you’re looking for some comfortable and, uh, soft clothes to wear… head to Jersey. We hear Van Horn and Vince Carter, AKA The Tissue Twins, are coming out with a new lounge wear line… or maybe they’ll be Victoria’s Secret “Pink” models!

The Boston/Denver game had another EAT YOUR BREAKFAST moment, when Carmelo went baseline and served breakfast for two to Big Baby Davis and Tony Allen!… Rajon Rondo, meanwhile, perhaps buying into his baby-face-ness, went smaaaaaaaaaaaaash time on some kid sitting court side, eating Dippin’ Dots. Elbow to the domepiece and the kid’s shoulder/elbow area. It makes us sick to see some spoiled brat sitting front row and not even paying attention to one of the better match-ups in the League… The Knicks turning point, perhaps? A heated exchange took place in the final regulation huddle of the Knicks/Wiz game, involving Q-Rich and Zach Randolph, while seemingly aimed at Nate Robinson. It worked, as they stopped Antonio Daniels’ final shot, and then kilt ‘em in OT…