L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

More than many recent seasons, little intrigue lies at the top of the NBA standings.  Some combo of the East’s Ceatles/Cavs/Magic and the West’s Lakers/Spurs will meet in the Finals.  Ok, we will be lenient and throw the Nuggets and Mavs in there as well.  So if all you care about is the results at the top, come back in time for the Playoffs.  But for the true NBA heads, it’s all about the journey.  Welcome to the trip guide for that journey, the 2009-2010 L.O.N. Season Preview, questions-style — word to A Tribe Called Quest, Common and Mos Def.

1)  What have you missed most about the NBA?  Is it hard to get excited about the NBA when you are not excited about your team?

Not when you have…

Ralph Lawler… Big Baby Davis jokes… Rajon Rondo roller skating jokes… J.R. Smith… LeBron James triple-doubles… check that, ALL triple-doubles… EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!! moments… beautiful lefty jump shots… Jeff Van Gundy… C-WEBB, GP AND AHMAD RASHAD!  Our main men…  T.J. Ford… Anthony Parker finally able to showcase his sick professionalism on a national stage as the new shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs… Derrick Rose… The crazy number of lineup combos Dallas can throw out, the coach and statistical-based staff that can dream those combos up and an owner just crazy enough to support the whole process… THE BIRDMAN!!!…  Joe Dumars best signing of the off-season — bringing back Chucky Atkins so now we can rejoice when Mason shouts out: “CHUCKY-CHUCKY Atttttttttt-kins”… The pure excitement of Anthony Randolph’s spontaneity and on-the-court recklessness… The electricity sparked every time Jonny Flynn takes the floor…  Shaun Livingston…

2)  What is the L.O.N. Pre-Season Top 10 League Pass Ranking?

#1 — Denver — Basketball debauchery in the flesh — J.R. Smith is the human embodiment and Denver is the team embodiment.  While losing a bit of fun with the departure of Linas Kleiza, they gained a facilitator of debauchery in Ty Lawson.  With Chauncey Billups and Melo making sure things stay fun in the win column, the Nuggets are the best combination of winning and entertainment in the League today.

#2 — Oklahoma City –  As the evolution of Kevin Durant continues, we will be watching.

#3 — San Antonio — We are well known Spurs supporters and with Manu back in the mix and majorly hyped new pieces in Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DeJuan Blair, we gotta see what kind of team Pop can make out of these guys.  And how about those seemingly minor moves to fill out the bench?  We can see Keith Bogans and Theo Ratliff playing important roles in spurts this season.

#4 — Cleveland — We love Shaq.  We love LeBron.  But do we love Shaq and LeBron?  Time to find out.

#5 — Los Angeles Lakers — What?  Did we just say that?  Choosing to listen to Joel Meyers?  Well, at least they are a part of many national broadcasts.  We cannot help it.  This thing could explode and we want to be there when it does.  If all else fails, we have the Official Player Of L.O.N. to enjoy — Lamar Odom.

#6 — Golden State — A crazy coach leading a crazy cast of characters playing a crazy brand of basketball.  We love it.

#7 — Washington — We missed Gilbert last year and want to see him back at full strength.  But if there is no Gilbert, this team drops out of these rankings in a hurry.  If he can stay on the court, he becomes the centerpiece of a surprisingly deep roster.  This team can do some things.

#8 — Chicago — Derrick Rose.

#9 — Atlanta — We love J-Creezy and we are going to love finally seeing him in the Playoffs.  You might even be able to convince us that this team could theoretically move themselves up in the Eastern Conference hierarchy.  Okay, did the East just get really deep?  Deeper than the West?  Deeper than rap?  RAAAWWWWWWSE.

#10 — Phoenix — If no one else is on, give us the uptempo team every time.

3)  Will Shaq and LeBron dominate the entire world this season?  What hi-jinx will they get in to?

This is perhaps the most discussed subplot and acquisition of the off-season.  However, the aspect that has been under-reported, is what this could mean for pre-game lineup intro rituals.  Last year Shaq’s Suns and LeBrons’s Cavs both produced highly entertaining intros game after game.  Now what happens when these forces unite?  Paul and John creating magic or Paul and John wrecking their team?  Tune in early for Cavs games and you just may catch a glimpse of their on-the-court fate.

4)  Is LeBron going to leave Cleveland?

No idea.  It all depends on what he envisions as his ultimate goal.  Win title-upon-title at all costs?  He signs the veteran’s minimum in San Antonio, Orlando or Portland.  Win the titles without sacrificing contract money, and a side order of major market power?  He joins the Clip Joint and teams with Eric Gordon, Boom Dizzle and Blake Griffin.  Hopefully, maybe win and become the hometown hero while maximizing your NBA money?  Cavs, holmes.  Take over the world, literally, with Jay-Z?  Hello, Brooklyn (maybe) Nyets.  Maximize your marketing prowess AND flirt with that oh-so-alluring season triple-double average in the Basketball Mecca?  He gets that New York State Of Mind and heads the high octane D’Antoni Knicks.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  Tune in next summer to find out.  Sorry in advance for all of the endless speculation between now and then.

5)  Will LeBron repeat his 2008-09 MVP campaign?  Can he keep improving at basketball?

He definitely can keep improving, and there is no reason to think he will not.  The MVP award is notoriously political and fickle, though, and there is no guarantee he will get the award even if he puts up the best numbers (which he will).  But as long as Steve Nash has more MVPs than LeBron, Kobe and Shaq (1 each) the award remains an absolute joke.

6)  Tell us about LeBron vs. Braylon.  If they both called you and lobbied for you to take their side, whom would you roll with?  Did LeBron secretly stage this whole thing to send Braylon out to scout NY ahead of time?

All we’ll say is this — you cannot spell Braylon without L.O.N.

Now for the Tech Guy’s (a noted Michigan alum) commentary on the situation:  “I would’ve punched his chump friend, too.  He’s probably an Ohio State fan.”

7)  Why does Shaq hate Kobe so much and does he still?

Well… because Kobe is Kobe.  Ha!  But seriously, they play nice in public, but we are pretty sure the hate, or at least animosity, tension, whatever you want to call it, still brews beneath the surface.  But even if it’s not hate, there is most certainly a competition when it comes to career titles.  With both having legit shots at that 5th ring this year, the rivalry is alive and well.  The NBA powers that be would absolutely love a Lakers/Cavs Finals pitting these two (oh, and some guy named LeBron) against each other.

8)  Did L.O.N. C.E.O. Shannon Booher get any training camp invites after dunking on and injuring L.O.N. Head of Sales, Bread Costello?

Unfortunately the Head of Sales used his diabolical influences to immediately confiscate and destroy the grainy home video of this occasion.  Without this key piece of evidence, GMs just weren’t willing to roll the dice on the self-described “poor man’s mix of Steve Blake and Larry Hughes.”

9)  Who will be the Rookie Of The Year?

Blake Griffin.  (Uh oh… the Clippers Curse struck 1 day before the season opened.  Griffin will miss around 6 weeks with a knee injury.  It’s a wide open R.O.Y. race, now).

The best rookie on a contender?

Ty Lawson.

The most invisible rookie?

Ricky Rubio.  Many tears have been shed in the L.O.N. offices over the Rubio Debacle.

Most likely to regret leaving school early?

Stephen Curry.  Even if breaks out of his J.J. Redick-like preseason performance/shooting slump, the mess of a team he ended up on will have him dreaming of Davidson.

Most likely to choke his coach or be a dark horse candidate for R.O.Y.?

Brandon Jennings.  He and Scott Skiles seem like a match made in hell, but if everything works out, he could push 40 minutes a game.  It is a sink or swim like Phelps situation.

10)  If Jim O’Brien deploys Indiana’s “White Out” lineup of Travis Diener, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansbrough and Jeff Foster, will Larry Bird retire on the spot?

Yes, his legacy fulfilled, he will immediately throw his button-up into the crowd and calmly walk out of the arena.

11)  As good as he is, is Kevin Durant the next Allen Iverson?

First of all, is that supposed to be an insult?  A.I. is one of the greatest human beings to ever play the game of basketball.  Period.  End of discussion.  Given his size, he is also right up there in the “pound-for-pound” greatest to ever play discussion.  Second of all, given their vastly different body types and play styles, this question almost sounds like the result of an NBA Mad Lib book.  We will humor our reader, though, and break it down.

Despite different, and even opposing, strengths, there is no question both guys possess singular offensive talent — both can flat out score.  Iverson’s abilities come in such a unique package, though, that only one coach and team has been able to harness those abilities into a successful team structure.  It seems Durant fits a little better into the traditional team structure, although even he has already changed positions once (from shooting guard to small forward).  In addition, both guys’ teams suffered losing seasons in their first couple campaigns.  A.I. turned that around in year 4, and has generally stayed on the winning side of things ever since.  It remains to be seen if and when Durant can make that same turnaround.  Perhaps their biggest similarity is the debate of whether or not each improves his teammates on the court.  Despite his ridiculous individual talent, and high assist numbers, A.I. has been roundly criticized for not making his teammates better over his career.  In recent weeks, Kevin Durant has faced similar heat, in a debate centering around his adjusted plus-minus numbers.  This is an interesting similarity, but we stand on the side of things that says these numbers will reverse for KD.  Because he has shown a burning desire to improve each and every year and he is backed by an extremely competent GM, we think he is going to get better, his team is going to get better, and therefore his APM will get better.

So bottom line, are there subtle similarities between these two sublime stars?  Certainly.  Are the similarities strong enough to call KD “the next A.I.”?  A resounding no.  Enjoy each and every minute of these two guys on the court, though, as they truly display two vastly different methods to accomplish the same goal on the basketball court — score the ball.

12)  Who are the Mailroom Supervisor’s most missed/most anticipated H.O.N.nies?

Gilbert Arenas, Tayshaun Prince, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Baron Davis.  But Baron, she says, is on notice with that Kimbo Slice beard he’s rocking.

13)  Who got the best new tattoo in the off-season?

Let’s start with what we know.  DeShawn Stevenson really had a lot of time on his hands, adding an Abe Lincoln portrait surrounded by 5’s on his neck, a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates “P” and a Frankenstein-esque cracked forehead.  We cannot really support any of those.  We could maybe roll with Abe if he had not cheapened it with the 5’s.

Watching Birdman during the pre-season, it looks like he also went back to the ink lab this off-season to spend some of his new millions.  He was already nearly covered up, but it looks like he filled in a lot more color and added a blue bird in the same neck area as DeShawn’s Abe.

Michael Beasley is also confirmed as getting a new tat, but unfortunately he drew more attention for the potential drug paraphernalia in the picture.  Let’s stay focused on the tat though — pretty ridiculous.  We are not sure if the whole back is new, or just the “Supercool Beas” part, but either way… not good.  At least it will be covered up most of the time.

So we are not ready to hand out praise quite yet, as we need to get more info on this always developing story.

14)  Are there any uniform changes to talk about?

ESPN Page2’s Paul Lukas always breaks this down the best, so go there for full detail.  Really, that piece is awesome.  We could look at NBA uniforms, logos and patches all day.  And a link showing all 30 teams’ arena floor layouts?  Awesome juice.

Here are the highlights:

–What in the world is Charlotte thinking?  Their primary unis have gone from lovably bad to terribly horrific.  And hide the women and children from that NASCAR alternate.

–Memphis added a shimmery third alternate.  Looks like somebody found one of A.I.’s old Denver jerseys hanging around and threw a Memphis on it.

–Houston has created a new version of their previously ill ketchup and mustard joints as an alternate.  Love it.

–Thankfully, Philly is going back to their traditional Independence Day red, white and blue color scheme.

15)  Does anyone have faith in Joe Dumars anymore?

Yes — you (the Unpaid Intern), the Mailroom Supervisor, and about 3 of Dumars’ distant family.

16)  Do the Pistons have a chance this year?

A chance at…

…having the most guaranteed money coming off the bench?  Yes.
…benching the best point guard on the team to start Joe Dumars’ “guy”?  Yes.
…having a “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” remix painting featuring their center committee of Ben Wallace, Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox?  Yes.
…making the Playoffs?  Yes.
…winning the Title?  Yes… if they trade for Memo!  They still have not been the same since he left.

17)  Are they going to miss ‘Sheed?

No doubt.  He was the missing piece that put them over the top for their 2004 title.  Hopefully the fans remember and appreciate that contribution.  And if ya’ll thought ‘Sheed was inconsistent and lacked focus… hello, Charlie Villanueva!

18)  Will ‘Sheed make a huge difference in Boston?

That is up to him.  The Ceatles certainly could have used him LAST year, given KG’s knee problems.  If used properly this year, maybe he can help keep KG healthy for the stretch run.  If the other Ceatles stay healthy (big if), and ‘Sheed is hungry, he will be a beast of a missing piece for them.  We think that is exactly what will happen, since the other Celtic vets can create an environment of peer accountability that simply did not exist on last year’s splintered Detroit team.  Looks like a little bit more will be expected out of him straight from jump, as Big Baby apparently injured his thumb fighting a former college teammate!  Yeah, we said we missed Big Baby jokes, now let them flow!

19)  Can Lamar Odom, um, keep up with the Kardashians?

It is easy to point out the increasingly circus-like atmosphere surrounding the Lake Show.  Lamar marries Khloe Kardashian, Ron Artest brings his three-ring circus to town, Andrew Bynum continues to be mercurial at best, etc., etc.  But what if Lamar’s marriage centers him and brings out the best in him?  What if Ron Artest’s eccentricities lighten the mood and tension of a grueling 100 game season?  What if Andrew Bynum is able to fully spreadshis wings now that he is out from underneath Kareem’s shadow?  What if this is just the challenge Phil Jackson needs to get the most out of this squad?

Uhhhhh, no.  We see implosion.  No repeat.  Forget the shenanigans, they just plain got worse talent wise, on the court.

20)  And while we are in the gossip pages… L.O.N.’s resident Legal Counsel asks:  How will blind items factor into this season?

With all the highly publicized non-blind off-the-court drama over the past year (Dirk scammed by his girlfriend, Lamar and Khloe, Mike Beasley goes Amy Winehouse, E-City nudity allegations, Starbury and UStream, A.I.’s gambling blow ups), there has to be a treasure trove of this stuff out there.  Michael Jordan could have a tabloid dedicated solely to him that would challenge anything else out on the market!  As the sports world blurs more and more into the entertainment world, blind items and gossip in general will become a bigger and bigger part of the NBA.  And who is to say that is a bad thing?  It could fit under the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.”

21)  He looked like he got it all working in the Playoffs last year — is this Melo’s year?

Did he get it all working in the Playoffs last year?  Sure he looked great in the first two series, but he disappeared a bit in their loss to the Lakers.  On top of that, there are already a lot of naysayers that do not think the Nuggets can match last year’s season.  So Melo still has a lot to prove, but we do think he will do it.  Maybe he can even swoop in and become one of those “it’s his turn” MVP winners.

22)  Will Darko come to life under Mike D’Antoni?  Say he will.

Okay, he will.

23)  Will Yi make China forget about Yao?

He will.

24)  Will Yao ever play again?

He will.

The answer to at least one of those last three questions was a lie.

25)  What do you think about this?  http://www.nba.com/enebea/

Global domination, baby.  The NBA, led by David Stern, has consistently been the best amongst the American sports leagues at spreading his brand worldwide.

26)  Carlos Boozer or Paul Millsap?

So the question is whiny Dookie or hard-working country boy?  Hard-working country boy all day ereday.  We are just mad Millsap could not get out of Utah with them matching the offer sheet he signed with Portland.

27)  Have we really seen the last of Starbury?

On an NBA court?  Yeah, looks like it.  On a social media site near you or plotting a Dr. Evil-style worldwide takeover in a boardroom somewhere?  No, sir.

28)  Who should have retired that did not?

Reggie Miller.

29)  Who is the worst person in the NBA?

Well, by extension… REGGIE MILLER!

30)  Who is the #1 fantasy basketball player?

In any and all formats — H2H, Roto, Keeper, whatever it is, LeBron James is your man.  Okay, maybe in an auction the price can get too high, but after last year’s 78% from the charity stripe, the man has no fantasy weakness.  And who is to say his stats cannot increase across the board?  His tendency towards elevating his game gives him the nod over CP3.

31)  What was the worst off-season move?

Based on early returns, we have to go with Portland’s signing of Andre Miller.  Maybe things will still come together as the season plays out, but as of right now it smacks of desperation salary cap spending.  Just save the space!  Use it in a trade, or in next year’s off-season!

32)  What is the worst contract in the League?

For contracts that carried over from last year, it is hard to see much good in Baron Davis’ and Elton Brand’s based on last year’s performance, but the absolute worst is Zach Randolph’s killer deal that will pay him $33 million over this year and next.  That is a major problem when no team with Randolph on it will ever win anything.  That is a literal and figurative elephant in the room.

For contracts signed over the summer, Cleveland signed Anderson Varejao to $50 million over 6 years!?!?!?!?!!  Wow.  That is way more than Birdman’s and more than Paul Millsap’s, just to name two comparable players.  It is well within the realm of possibility that LeBron and Shaq are not on the Cavs roster next season, leaving Varejao as their 2nd highest paid player behind Mo Williams.  Mo and Andy will not exactly recall great point guard/power forward tandems like Stocktontomalone or Payton/Kemp.  Players like Varejao come around the block.  Often.  Why lock yourself in to a monster deal like that?

33)  Greg Oden — fact or fiction?

Wow, you are really bringing out the tough ones now.  Uhhhh… facmaictionact?  He looked great in the pre-season, and we want him to succeed, but we along with everyone else, feel like the world will get it’s usual healthy serving of Ghostface Przybilla this season.  Sorry, Greg it is show and prove time.

34)  Which team could be a sleeper this year?

We do not think any team will sneak up into title contention (although we sorta talked ourselves into Atlanta and Washington having deep, deep sleeper status), but some sleeper playoff teams include:  the Clip Joint, OKC, and Milwaukee (if healthy, their defense and grind it out style will make them the team other teams hate to play against in regular season).

35)  What is the most boring team that no one should care about?

Whuuuuuuuut?  No such thing.  Every team has something awesome about it.

36)  How much would L.O.N. pay to have a Dirty Jerse Nyet come to their office Holiday Party?

Not $25k like the organization is asking, but to determine our actual price, we would need to know the answers to the following questions:

Is Devin Harris coming as himself, or a-alike Ludacris?  Will Rafer Alston resurrect the And-1 bus and bring all the And-1ers?  Is Courtney Lee bringing the rest of her hot friends?  Is Sean Williams bringing his, um, party favors?  Is Terrence Williams wearing the Sponge Bob pants and Barbie backpack?  Will Brook Lopez bring the comics and ice cream sundaes?  Damn, now that we think about it, that’s an eclectic bunch.  Maybe $25k is not so crazy after all.

37)  What will Rowan Jura Booher’s title be as the newest employee in the L.O.N. offices?

So far he is filling multiple roles such as L.O.N. Mascot, L.O.N. Freeloader and L.O.N. Official Burper.  We are going to let him try his hand at various tasks around the office and see what he likes best.

38)  I do not have a clever question, but please say something about Orlando.

Local boy traded to hometown team and rejuvenates them?  Chauncey Billups or Vince Carter?  A couple of problems with that comparison — Vinsanity is not quite a true hometown hero in Orlando like Smooth is in Denver and Orlando is nice and juvenated already.  They were in the Finals last year.  Vince comes to town facing major expectations, which has not always worked well with him.  The difference this year is he has a big time supporting cast.  Still, in order to be the hero he has to help them to a title and we do not think the Magic have it in them.

39)  So who will win the title?

Cavs over Spurs in 7.  LeBron gets #1 win and Shaq wins the race to 5.
As seen on SLAMOnline:

Okay, whoever you are out there, PUT THE BRANDAN WRIGHT VOODOO DOLL DOWN!!!… Eddie Jordan back in the hizzle… We really, really, really hope Delonte West is getting all the help and support he needs… FREE RASHAD MCCANTS!!!… Adding another overpowering personality to the roster WILL NOT help Mike Conley in Memphis.  And maybe the only thing that could ever help him at this point is reuniting him with Greg Oden… How is Chris Duhon still the starting point guard for the team that arguably needs a good point guard the most?…  There are new rims this year.  Who knew?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

It’s the questions, whuuuuut?  The questions, whuuuuut?  The questions!

What, tigga, what, tigga, what, tigga, WHAAAAAT!

As we do every year, let’s get ready for another glorious season with actual questions from actual readers… and actual questions from some not-so-actual readers!

1)  As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 9:

#1  Denver — J. R. Smith.  Basketball debauchery in the flesh.  And they bring out the debauchery in their opponents, as well, creating 48 minutes of beautiful mayhem.  We will miss the Eduardo Najera 3’s, though.
#2  Portland — Greg Oden is our most-anticipated rookie to see, probably followed closely by Rudy Fernandez.  Throw in Revolutionary Travis Outlaw, and it’s a wrap.
#3  San Antonio — Odd years on, even years off — like a metronome.  And with Manu out for awhile to start the season, it’s gonna be The French Pastry Show in San Anton.
#4  Houston — Ron Artest makes defense exciting.
#5  Clip Joint — That’s a wild mix.  Exciting and entertaining, maybe.  But can that roster win games consistently?
#6  Cleveland — Mo Williams may finally be the piece that cements LeBron in this list.  This could be a special season, ya’ll.
#7  Detroit Pistons — Amir Johnson and Rodney “Yo, ma, I’m 50 Cent”.
#8  Philly Snakes –  Are they ready to take that next step up to the East’s elite?  We hate having the co-founder of Brand and Boozer’s Backstabbin’ and Beguilin’ Band Of Brothers on this list, but the Other A.I., Louis Williams and Thaddeous Young must be witnessed.
#9  Boston Ceatles — We still have love for K.G. and Paul Peezy, and check this field report from L.O.N.’s Resident Scientist:  “I dont think I said anything about this yet, but a couple weeks ago, when Bill Walker had that really good dunk over someone, the pure elation, joy, and madness that ensued on the Celtics bench was an amazing thing to see.  The fact that they all acted like that, during a pre-season game, means they are a team and they really like each other.  Repeat.”  Love.

Bottom Four:

#1 Milwaukee — Scott.  Skiles.
#2 Oklahoma City Thunder — Sorry, KD.  The Earl Watson Experience meets boring uniforms meets a despicable franchise move.  Count us out.
#3 New York Knicks — You’re gonna have to prove it first, D’Antoni.  Duhon != Nash.
#4 L.A. Lakers — Word-for-word from last year’s preview:  “Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.”
2)  Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the off season?

Greg Popovich’s pre-season beard got way outta hand, making us all wonder if the Spurs’ style would take a similar wild turn this season.  Who knows?  Pop is clearly feeling the need to express himself, and that may lead to any type of on-court madness.  You know, crazy stuff like a 9-man rotation vs. an 8-man, or maybe Powerade on the bench instead of Gatorade.  Anything can happen.  Word to Wyclef.

Although we are sure more guys will surprise as the season unfolds, that’s all we caught on the personal style tip during the pre-season.  Several teams are breaking out new gear, though, and pretty much all to underwhelming response (at least from us).  The Orlando Magic came with the most drastic (we use that word loosely) of the changes, introducing diverging silver pinstripes to the NBA scene, and going with the #1 entry on the L.O.N.’s Most-Hated Neckline list.  We have never understood, liked, or approved of that.  Worst Of The Night.

The Seattle… err, Oklahoma City Thunder kept it real, real lazy.  What is that?  Looks like they came up with a disco-hell mix (word to Ced the Entertainer) of the simplest aspects of the Knicks’, Bobcats’ and Hawks’ unis.  While they are at it, maybe they should try to combine rosters with those squads.  Even if their jerseys stilled looked like they belonged in rec league for 10-12 year-olds, they might actually finish above 10th-12th in their conference.

The Milwaukee Bucks are introducing a new alternate jersey, inspired by their 1971 joints.  We tend to like simple uniforms (think Celtics or Spurs), but homage or not, these are simple in a boring kind of way.  And is that Big E on the end an homage to the Big Yi they lost this off-season?

New Orleans tweaked their outfits and logo ever so slightly, with the most important change being the re-introduction of the old Charlotte-style pinstripes.  Word to Dell Curry!  And Glenn Rice’s (former? ex?) wife.  And Muggsy.

Meanwhile, Minnesota also tinkered with the details of their unis.  At least they will look slightly different while losing 50+ games again.

3)  What big ticket players will be heading to new teams this year?  Odom?  Billups?  Randolph?
4)  Who will be the first player traded after the start of the regular season?

Don’t forget about Rasheed Wallace, who is in the last year of his contract, and playing for a GM, in Joe Dumars, that has been trying to shake things up since the end of last season.  Shawn Marion in Motown?  Seems intriguing.

5)  Which lottery pick will have the biggest impact on his team this year?  What about someone outside of the lottery?

This season we are presented with the rare situation of two #1 overall picks making their debuts, in Greg Oden and Derrick Rose.  Rose is a point’s point, but does not quite have the supporting cast that Oden can claim.  With the pivot spot sured up, Portland is looking to make post-season noise.  We are not convinced the Bulls can make that same leap.  Statistically, Michael Beasley will factor into this argument, but a Crazy Convention could break out with he and Shawn Marion both in South Beach.  And actually, after that weird Star Jones period D-Wade went through last year, maybe he’s the Chairman of Crazy, down there.

Non-lottery?  Watch out for another Blazer, Nicolas Batum, who is penciled in as the starting small forward in Rip City.  That smells like a Royal Ivey, 7-minutes-a-game-in-Atlanta starting scenario, though, so we’ll go with the Suns’ Robin Lopez.  With Steve Kerr’s emphasis on defense and The Diesel’s propensity to miss “unhealthy” chunks of the regular season, the wilder of the Lopez Twins is set to do damage.  And you gotta love the unintentional comedy/entertainment factor whenever the Lopez Twins are on the scene.  We need a reality show.

6)  Who will be the biggest bust from this year’s rookie class?

Joe Alexander.  Unless, like we have said before, he joins the professional beach volleyball circuit.  Or becomes one of those trampoline dunkers.

7)  Who will be the Jerry Sloan “Surprise Player Of The Year”?

Jerry Sloan dropped this gem after Kyrylo Fesenko dropped a 10/10 double-double on Portland this pre-season:  “That’s the best I’ve ever seen him play since he’s been alive.”

So who will have the best season they have ever had since being alive?  We don’t know, but that might be the best quote we hear while we’re alive.

8)  Can you explain some comments that were heard over the Summer regarding LeBron James being the most over-rated player in the NBA?  Who could even think such a thing?

Absurd.  Outlandish.  Flabbergasting.  The term is more over-used than a McCain/Maverick reference, but this is the definition of “hater”.  Only someone with a genuine personal issue with The King could utter such words.

9)  To the MRSV — Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Official H.O.N. Top 5:

#1 Baron Davis
#2 Gilbert Arenas
#3 Tony Parker
#4 LeBron James
#5 D Wade

Dang, the MRSV went the pure big tymer route on us this year.  Dollar signs in her eyes, we think!
10)  Will the Pistons new coach and young up-and-comers return Motown to glory?

We’ll let the Mailroom Supervisor answer this one.  MRSV:  “What do you mean by return?  They are working on their 5th straight title this year.  What a run!”
11)  Can the “Boston Three Party” repeat this season?

“No, but the Pistons can.”  AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Get those crazy Pistons fans out of the control room!

12)  Seriously…  How are the Pistons going to do this year? Who is your favorite Piston?

No doubt about, ‘Sheed Wallace, yet and still.  Come on.  Ball don’t lie.  Sneaking up on ‘Sheed though, and ready to take the mantle, is Young Amir Johnson.  He is on the cusp of Revolutionary status, and in the starting lineup this year.  We like the Pistons’ chances as a team, as well.  They have managed to keep the old guard around, while infusing the rotation with young talent, in Rodney Stuckey, Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Arron Afflalo.  Tayshaun Prince still has not fully harnessed his talent, and Kwame Brown might even be a nice piece on a team like this.  We may have just talked ourselves out of the ‘Sheed trade, and into a Pistons Finals run.  Hmm… keep reading while we sort this out.

13)  With Sam-I-Am’s post-retirement coaching plans, who wins in a coaches’ “talking battle” - Sam Cassell or Avery Johnson?

If these two were to ever lead their teams against each other in a Playoff Series, the most-entertaining aspect of the series would the amazing press conferences.  Sam mumbling some obscure alien-like analogy with Avery slamming his hand on the table and using that one-of-a-kind voice to express his dismay.  Absolutely awesome.

14)  How many basketballs will the NBA use this year?
15)  How many jerseys will be purchased this year?
16)  Which franchise will make the most money?
17)  How many hot dogs will be sold at NBA games this year?
These must have come from the resident L.O.N. Salesman… all he cares about is the bottom line.  If you are ever around someone asking questions like this and saying your first name a lot, hide your wallet and run!  We’ll break it down, though:  1233, 2.89 million, Los Angeles Lakers, 14.33 million.

18)  Will Greg Oden come out and be an absolute beast? 

Good question.  He will be fighting a tough knee-injury recovery, adjusting to playing against the best athletes in the world, facing Breakfast Bounties and of course dealing with all the issues of being a 40+ year-old rookie.  We do not see Dwight Howard-like beastness, but he’ll give it to a large majority of the leagues pivots.  Still, that microfracture recovery is nothing to blink at, so do not expect the world, THIS year.

19)  Will Michael Jordan once again come out of retirement to play in the newly incorporated Space Basketball League (SBL)?

No, but he is the player/coach for Earth’s basketball team entry into the Space Olympics.

20)  Any powerhouse teams that will take a nosedive this year?

You heard it here first — the situation in Dallas is scary.  You have Rick Carlisle, known for defense and a controlled-offense, heading a team that screams for run-and-gun O with optional D.  Avery Johnson coaxed some nice defensive performances out of roughly the same team, but damn near the whole team hated him by the end of his run.  The individual talent on the roster is still obvious, but if they do not figure out a signature personality quickly, there could another, um, Cuban Missile Crisis on the horizon.

21)  Will LeBron tip his hand in regards to his impending departure to a New York team by the end of the year?
22)  Does L.O.N. support the King leaving Cleveland?

He won’t tip his hand this year, as dude actually has 2 more years in Cleveland.  That’s what a lot of people do not realize.  This issue is going to reach Brett Favre retirement level of media hype before it is all said and done.  But he’s not going to do anything to mess up his current situation; he is too savvy of a business man.  Do we support the departure?  Only if it’s to the BROOKLYN Nets, and only if Jay-Z is still involved.  The possibilities with those two cats together are endless, and we love all of them.

23) Could the Other Gasol (Marc) out-stat his brother, Pau?

It could happen.  Throw in the potential decline on Pau’s side due to further suppressing his own output for the good of the Lakers and the Andrew Bynum influence, with Marc’s potential output as the starting center on the run-and-gun Grizzlies, and these two’s stats may look more similar than you might think.  Marc looked good in the Olympics, but he would not be the first Euro to bust in the NBA.  He at least should make last year’s trade look slightly more even than the outright collusion it appeared to be at the time.

24)  What’s the top selling jersey in the NBA this year?

LeBron has got to claim this title eventually, right?  This is the year.  Mark it down.  If not him, it will probably be J.R. Smith (if L.O.N. comes into a trillion dollars and executes the “Jersey In Every Pot” plan).

25)  Are the Spurs too old?  Are the Spurs just dried up old raisins at this point?  Do we really need to discuss them still?  I don’t see their relevancy.

Seriously?  This comes through literally every year.  Check the League Pass ratings for your answer:  more relevant than ever.  Honestly, even if they falter on the court, The French Pastry keeps them relevant on the pop culture tip alone.  Dude is everywhere — NBA Live cover, Windows commercials, the tabloids with Eva, etc.  Los Spurs, holmes.

26)  Who is going to win the dunk contest?  With what kind of dunk?

We are not sure Dwight Howard will be defending his title, as the bona fide star in the dunk contest is a thing of the past.  We gotta put Gerald Green as the odds on favorite, going into the season, now that he is back on a roster, with the Mavs.  Green had the creativity and ability last year, and Superman cape or not, the cupcake dunk is still our favorite ish from last year’s contest.  Only Pac can judge what he might break out this year.

27)  How do you feel about Josh Howard’s off the court issues this Summer?

L.O.N. has lassez faire weed stance — let the people smoke.  But of course, Howard needs to know not to show the seams on national radio.  Same thing with the national anthem hulla baloo.  The man is allowed to speak his mind… but he might want to find a better forum.  The ugliest part of the situation ended up being the despicable emails and internet posts so many people out there anonymously leveled at Howard.  Come on.  In the words of the great Jay Hova, “I thought this was America people?”.  Even if the populace had expressed themselves a little more eloquently, they are contradicting themselves.  This would not be America if we were not allowed to speak our minds!  That being said, if you do not think J.R. Smith is the second coming of Basketball Jesus, ya’ll need to leave the country immediately.

28)  Will anything happen this season to further the belief that the NBA is rigged, like the WWE?

You mean, other than Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry only leaving Dantoni’s bench to perform actual WWE-style wrestling events at all Knicks home games?

29)  How many basketball games are you going to watch this year?

773.

30)  How many live basketball games are you going to watch?

Dang, is the Salesman back?   7?

31)  Please break down the Los Angeles Clippers - is it going to be as fun as it could be?  Baron, Ricky, young Al Thornton and the Twin Towers?

Fun is a good word, unless half the team ends up injured on the bench.  This is Boom Dizzle and Marcus Camby we are dealing with, after all.  Another phrase that might be used is “interesting mix”.  The Caveman and the Camby Man may actually work out well, since Camby likes to launch those 20 foot j’s more than bang on offense, and don’t even think about coming in the paint when they are on D.  But can they deal with smaller lineups?  What will Dunleavy get out of the notoriously mercurial Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas?  Are there too many Davis’ in one place at one time (Baron, Paul and Ricky)?  Will DeAndre Jordan make GMs across the league throw up in their mouths for passing over the one time projected lottery pick?  The people demand answers.

32)  What player is going to become a star this year?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you haven’t been reading.  Think the opposite of Emmitt Rider.


33)  Who is going to be the MVP?

LeBron James.  LeBron James again?  Awwww yeah, again and again.  The time is now.  Give him the jersey sales, the trophies, the triple-double season average… everything except the title.  It’s not quite time, yet.

34)  Overall predictions?

LeBron’s singular talent still will not quite be enough… the Ceatles will not be quite as hungry and will miss James Posey… no one in the Southeast is ready… neither is Philly… Pistons over Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Chris Paul’s singular talent will not quite be enough… Denver is Denver… the Lakers still do not quite feel quite right… Carlos Boozer’s surprisingly tentative/soft performance against the Lakers last year scares us…Dallas is done… Phoenix is rickety… Spurs over Rockets in Western Conference Finals.

Spurs over Pistons in 7.  Classic ish.

35)  What else do I need to know about?

Vinny The Black, coaching the Bulls.  Realize and recognize… We miss Agent Zero.  Get your knee right, playa!… All you DYYEEEE, is this part right here, BOOM!… If there is a God, please, please, please make Sasha Vujacic go back to the short hair… With all the focus on rookies, do not forget about 2nd year guys that could break out.  Keep your eyes on guys like Julian Wright and Thaddeous Young, this year… Kenny and Chuck are back!…

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 31 points, 7 boards, 6 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

Sick, sick, sick. The most-likely MVP did it all, as the Lakers pulled out the brooms on the Nuggets. A lot of focus was placed on the mess that is the Denver Nuggets, but is it possible the Lakers are simply really, really good?

Either way, put a fork in the Nuggets. Did this series show their true spirit? Or was it an aberration? A.I. seemed sour and cranky for the whole series, while Melo was almost the complete opposite… seemingly too relaxed. The one positive for them may be J.R. Smith’s series. He seemed focused and stepped it up on the big stage. Can he transfer that to an 82-game season, though? We just hope he keeps launching from 28 feet!

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 21 boards, 21 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

It took them 5 games to the Lakers’ 4, but chronologically, this effort from Superman made the Magic the first team to advance to the second round, as they knocked off the Raptors. They can now sit back and watch the Pistons struggle to knock off the Sixers for at least 2 more games. As for the Raptors? Let the “Fire Sam Mitchell” chants rain down. This team “talented” their way into the Playoffs, never really figuring out their identity. With the roster pieces they have, and no clear problem to point the finger at, they should have been more competitive than they showed in this serie.

Johnson And Smith Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 35 points, 6 assists, 1 board

Josh Smith — 28 points, 7 blocks, 6 boards, 2 steals, 2 assists

ALL of the 4th quarter points for the A-T-Liens? How do the supposedly defensive-minded Celtics give up 32 points in the 4th, and all of them by only 2 players? Seems like Doc gets some blame for this. He doubled Joe late, but it should have come earlier. And in a separate mistake, why was he not going offense/defense, consistently, at point guard? Sam mad a great offensive play when he was in there… then he got benched.

Josh Smith is about to superstar this league, by the way.

You Reach, I Teach Of The Night:

Whatever Joe Johnson did to Leon Powe last night… it is illegal in 17 states. Does he have a Rasheed Wallace mentality? Is he the type of guy that just does not want to be the superstar every night, and would rather fit in with the team?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night: 

Chris Webber — The MRSV says: “He looks nice.  Welcome to the team!”

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 34 points, 12 boards, 7 assists, 2 steals

What Hubie “Knowledge” Brown wants, he gets. Pre-game, Brown said LeBron needed to approach a triple-double for the Cavs to win this one. While he was 1 assist shy of official L.O.N. Near Triple-Double status, he was fa sho in the ballpark. Result? Cavs win, as Delonte West nailed a corner 3 in the waning seconds, assisted by The King, of course.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Boris Diaw — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This (inserting Diaw into the starting lineup) was either a great coaching move by Mike D’Antoni, or simply a mental let down game for the Spiddurs. Game 5, back in San Anton, will clarify that. Regardless of whether or not it was a great move, or simply a move mandated by Grant Hill’s balky groin, it may be too little too late. The Spurs need to close this thing out in Game 5, though, or the Suns will enter back into official Red Giant status.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes to… Tayshaun Prince. “He’s on fire!”, says the MRSV. Yes, indeed. It was a good day for the MRSV, as her Pistons looked like they had their act together, at least in the 2nd half. Give the ball to Tayshaun! He seems to be their best offensive player, right now.

Straight Shots To The Dome Of The Night:

There were two Playoff-type flagrant fouls committed on Sunday, one by a superstar, and one on a superstar. During the first game of the day, the much hyped LeBron James vs. DeShawn Stevenson match-up was racheted up to yet another level, when DeShawn flagranted Bron-Bron. On a drive to the basket, it appeared DeShawn swung wildly at James’ head, knocking his headband off, and completely missing the ball. The Cavs were upset, and LeBron even mentioned, post-game, “If we was on the park, something definitely would have escalated”. Looking at the replays though, we are not sure of Stevenson’s intent. His play could easily be interpreted as a swipe at the ball that just missed, but the background between the two has people assuming the worst.

Later in the day, we had ourselves a TRUE flagrant. Late in yet another beat down at the hands of New Orleans, Jason Kidd let out all his frustrations, essentially palming Jannero Pargo’s head in the midst of a lay-up, and throwing him to the ground. Flagrant 2, ejection. Now THAT was gangsta.

In The Studio Of The Night:

Chris Webber is keeping it all the way real as the newest member of the best basketball show on TV, Inside The NBA. This would seem to be a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” type situation, but with Knicks GM rumors swirling around Kenny Smith, maybe TNT is simply covering their bases. In his first night, C-Webb proved himself very capable, dropping relevant behind-the-scenes info on the Pistons, and even throwing most of the Mavs roster under the bus, claiming he would only want to go to war with two Mavs — Jason Kidd and Jerry Stackhouse. If they lose the Jet they will suffer on the X’s and O’s side of things, but they will be gaining a guy that is apparently not afraid to speak his mind. The old guard did not miss a chance to haze the studio rook, either, ending the night with funny jab at Webber’s infamous timeout situation in college.

Sam Vincent fired in Charlotte. Larry Brown waiting in the wings?… Hedo Turkoglu wins the “Most Improved Player” Award. Well-deserved… Pat Riley stepping down (again) as Heat head coach…

Line Of The Night AKA Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 36 points, 16 boards, 8 assists, 3 blocks

Put one of the most talented post-men in an open gym by himself for about a half an hour, and he would probably put up a line a lot like this. He shot 14 of 20, and all of those might have been dunks. Enver takes bad defense to never seen before levels.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 25 points, 22 boards, 5 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Howard dominated the paint in this opener, but the real story was Orlando’s 3-point shooters. It is hard to believe they will keep up their Game 1 pace, probably leading to a close series. As the “Great Toronto Point Guard Debate” continues, we have to weigh in on T.J. Ford’s side. Looking at pure stats, Jose Calderon seems like the man, but L.O.N. says T-Dot-O needs a balling Ford to win this series. He is the only cat that can get penetration, finish or create a shot. Calderon just cannot take over a game like Ford can, when at this best. With Howard most likely continuing to have an advantage over Bosh, Ford needs to step it up. And oh yeah… can Jason Kapono get some more shots, please? That goes for whoever is manning the point.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 16 points, 9 boards, 8 assists

Wow, and this was a bad game for him? Pistons fans worldwide better hope Detroit actually plays for 48 minutes in every game for the rest of this series. The Sixers did not even the play the best they can, and took a game in the Palace! It is amazing that the Pistons never learn. Year after year.

Fool’s Gold Of The Night:

Carmelo Anthony — 30 points, 12 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Nice line, but we say he had a bad game. He went 11 of 26 from the field, largely because he just jacked up jump shots. Drive the ball! The Lakers are not exactly defensive masterminds themselves. Take advantage! On top of that, Anthony seemed to loosen up and really play well in garbage time. That is the opposite of clutch. And damn it… pass to J.R. Smith and Linas Kleiza. They were absolutely on fire, shooting a combined 15-21! J.R. Smith was so hot, he set the bus on fire on the way to the arena! Pass that rock.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

THE POWE SHOW! On Josh “shock the world” Smith’s head. The only shocking tonight was to Smith’s system, as Powe got him and so did K.G. earlier in the game. On Sunday, he was definitely in the mood for dinner-time breakfast.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Shockingly, the award goes to Doc Rivers. The MRSV says: “He looks handsome in his Celtic green tie.” Wild.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 20 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Elton Brand 2.0 did himself proud in Game 1 vs. Boston, surprisingly leading the Hawks in scoring. This team barely avoided contraction, and if they even want to come close in a single game this series, guys other than Horford and Joe Johnson are going to need to show up.

We do not even know what to say about whatever that weird coach moshpit was that George Karl held in the Denver locker room prior to the game… The Lakers fans broke out the “D-U-I” chants right away, for ‘Melo. Keep it classy, L.A…. Body By Jake in the house, next to Jack at the Staples Center!… Jeff Van Gundy is the best thing that ever happened to the Mike Breen broadcasting team. Not only is he hilarious, but any talk time that Breen loses, is a beautiful thing…

Waking up to the pedestrian voices of Rick Carlisle and Dave Pasch (who? what?), the L.O.N. offices had no idea what was in store for them. Even the disjointed first quarter of the Cavs/Wizards game belied the amazing that was about to happen over the course of the day.

Line Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 40 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

Who is the best player in the NBA, again? Who? Also, this game clarified a lot about the Spurs. They are definitely too old. Their window has closed.

Seriously though… if this series continues to play out like the first game, it is going to be beyond classic. But if the games are close like this, will it even be a contest? The Suns are not built for the clutch. The Nash/Stoudemire pick-and-roll proved highly effective throughout the game, but it is not really a “final shot” type play. They looked decent before Amare fouled out, but in total, 2 of their 4 clutch shots were taken by Boris Diaw and Leandro Barbosa. You tell us — who would you want shooting your clutch shots? Manu Ginobili, Michael Finley and Tim Duncan or Steve Nash, Diaw and Barbosa? The answer was obvious, in Game 1.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 9 assists, 9 boards, 2 steals

Veteran 0, young gun 1. Kidd was pwned by CP3 (35/10/3) in this one. The team defense of Dallas as a whole is going to have to improve to contain the young fella. CP3 and the Hornets answered any and all questions about their legitimacy, while reminding us that regular season results in head-to-head match ups really do not matter. People put way too much stock in Dallas’ win earlier in the week, and way too LITTLE stock in their complete collapse in the Playoffs last year. It is interesting that they may have run into the rowdiest crowd of the Playoffs for the 2nd straight year, and it is even more interesting that Dirk is so worthless. Dirk and Dampier may be one of the weakest frontcourts on a supposed contender in NBA history. They have no answer for the Paul-to-Tyson-Chandler oop, and even Hilton Armstrong was catching a little wreck. Paging Desagana Diop… paging Desagana Diop…

Near Beast Of The Night:

Antawn Jamison — 23 points, 19 boards, 2 assists

24 shots though? Gilbert was 8-16 for 24 points, so he got his, but shouldn’t some of Jamison’s gone to Tough Juice? All-Star Caron Butler seemed very passive in this one, with a sub par 14 point night on 10 shots. He needs to take a cue from those Cleveland Playoff t-shirts and rise up if the Wiz want to win.

And what is up with Twantown absolutely losing his mind over some trivial pushing and shoving between LeBron and Brendan Haywood? That is a side of ‘Tawn with which we are not familiar. He is otherwise so calm and collected, coming across as downright distinguished in his interviews describing his early Playoff memories. He is clearly a nominee for a starring role in various NBA retrospectives in about 20 or 30 years — you know, the old cat reminiscing about the game, Black Magic style. But during that non-fight, he looked like Kurt Thomas had taken over his soul, eyes popping, arms flailing. At the beginning of the Spurs game, Thomas’ crazy eyes were rather calm… maybe his soul had not yet returned.

But on the reals… the Andray Blatche shot to LeBron’s face, followed by the non-fight, really seemed to shake the King out of a malaise. Ya’ll really need to let that man be.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

And the H.O.N.nie goes too… a MRSV favorite, Gilbert Arenas. The MRSV: “Welcome back! Here comes trouble.”

Honorable Mention goes to a newcomer on the MRSV’s radar, Chris Paul, about whom she says: “He’s hot!”.

Ol’ Unfaithful Of The Night:

Andrei Kirilenko == 21 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Like clockwork, the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park will erupt about every 60-90 minutes. Like clockwork, you never know what the hell Andrei Kirilenko is going to erupt for. Despite a very average second half of the regular season, AK47 came out on fire on Saturday, playing well in all phases of the game. You could see it immediately, as he ran out of the tunnel with a huge smile on his face. What in the hell… did he cash in his freebie card in the training room before the game? Whatever it is, the Jazz may actually need him to get through this series. The Rockets did not exactly play their best game — although it may have been all this group can muster — and T-Mac may not disappear in the 4th quarter in the rest of the games.

The HD Effect Of The Night:

When you see most of your basketball via the League Pass (not HD) on a TV meant for HD, as we here at L.O.N. do, you are often “treated” to game after game broadcasted with a very low picture quality. For certain teams (like the Wiz and the Hornets from today’s action, for example) that have few national HDTV appearances, this blurred/grainy image becomes part of the team. Then the Playoffs, where HD happens, start, and it is like a whole new world! We did not know what to do, today, with a HD quadruple-header — a marathon of basketball beauty. These blurred teams look like butterflies coming out of the cocoon. It is quite the phenomenon. We even thought we liked those black and gold Wizards joints.

In the clutch: Lebron 1, Gilbert 0. But that 3 at the end of the 1st quarter was sick… Somebody finally got the King some clippers for his sideline grooming!… How ridiculous is LeBron’s snow-white Maybach with the “KNG OF OH” license plate?… We obviously missed out on the details of the Cavs various trades this season. When did they acquire Frederick Douglass’ great-great-grandson?… Those were some big-ass Swooshes on Brendan Haywood’s Nikes… Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” ad. Classic… GILBERT FOR 3!!!… VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY! VAN-GUN-DY!… Tony Parker, Jacque Vaughn and Boris Diaw. One of these things is not like the other one, but they are still the French Connection… Michael Finley looks like his barber took it just a little bit too high… D-Wade and Star Jones?… The Peja heads!… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!…