L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 52 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 blocks

No question on this one.  The Kobe-hating part of our office wanted the King to go for at least 62.  However, the side of the office that likes sunshine and carefree frolicking, was excited LeBron put HIS signature on the game.  A triple-double is more his style.  And 52 points + 11*2(at least) = 74 points.  So he accounted for more offense than Kobe’s 61 and 3 anyway, right?

But on the reel-to-reels, these inflated stat lines should not be getting as much play as they are, since they are coming against the D’Antoni Knicks.  After all, this is the same system that produced the two sham Steve Nash MVPs.  Shouldn’t the Knicks be angry the League’s stars look at the them as the team they are going to try and set records against?

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Wow, his first one?  He has been close before, but he finally did it, Brooklyn, last night against the Suns in a victory.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jermaine O’Neal — 22 points, 9 boards, 9 blocks, 4 assists

Almost the rarely seen triple-double with blocks.  It was not enough to help the Raptors shine some light on their disappointing season, however, as they took a home L to the Lakers.  Biggest bust team in the League this year, right?  Somebody please get Anthony Parker in the Playoffs, though.  Really.  On a legit contender, preferably.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“When they see you coming down and you outta luck/They gon look at you and say that clown/gassed up, you can hear it when he talkin’/Scored a couple points and now he thinkin’ he Jordan”, “Amnesia”

Pa-poose, pa-poose.  This joint is fire.  It’s over a classic Sade beat, and Pap goes in.

Everybody’s talking about an economic stimulus plan, but what we want from Barack is some sort of stimulus to get Papoose or Saigon to put out an official album.  Soon.

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq on his new intro ritual:

“‘The guys holding me up are called ‘The LPC,” O’Neal declared. ‘The Levitation Process Crew. It’s because I levitate above all competition. And of course, because there is no such thing as levitation, I need a Levitation Process Crew. This Gentleman in my Arms,” he said pointing at Alando Tucker, “shows that we have trust in each other because he’s just diving into my arms - and I just want to let him know that I got his back. It’s a symbol of trust.’”

Keep ‘em coming, Shaq.

Honestly, Give Durant The Ball In Crunch Time Of The Night:

Looks like every time Denver and OKC get together it’s gonna go to right to the end, culminating in some manner of spectacularity.  Last night Carmelo came out on top again, hitting a ridiculous runner.  We are still angry though, that Kevin Durant’s teammates do not fully realize the capo status he has attained.  GIVE THE MAN THE BALL!  In the final few minutes, Russell Westbrook actually waved him off, then ended up shooting a fadeway jumper that had absolutely no chance!  Come on, ya’ll.  Let the man live.

The Pistons took down the Heat in a battle for Eastern Conference mediocrity supremacy.  Good, close game, too… How gross does this Hornets team look without CP3?… Jay-Z, Mr. Barber.  Mr. Barber, Jay-Z…

As seen on SLAMONline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

Is it all over?  Do we call the next 6-10 years, with a retirement sprinkled in here or there, and hand the title to LeBron and [fill in whatever team he is on]?  Are the days of legitimately not really knowing who is going to win the title when we get to the playoffs over?  Are we back on the Jordan/Hakeem/Shobe time line?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Charlotte Bobcats

‘Sheed Wallace is called for a faker than Rick Ross offensive foul.  He amazingly avoids the assumed tech, but the Bobcats get the ball with the score tied, nonetheless.  Raymond Felton gets the rock, preparing for the final shot with his signature herky-jerk, bow-legged gate.  Swop.  Game.  Felton runs down the court, screaming indignantly, daringly, to anyone that will listen… Trade ME!??!?!?!  TRAAAAADE ME!!!!

But in all honestly, reports are that defensive performance came as a result of Larry Brown, in practice, shouting, with an autotuner: “Find your man and rotate, find your man and rotate/’Cause the vagabond is back, I said the vagabond is back”.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“I’m next on the table, who want whut?/I am champ-i-on, at beer pong/Allen I-ver-soon, Hakeem O-la-ju-won”, Asher Roth, “College”

A whiteboy rapping about college over a guitar-based based?  Sounds like a recipe for disaster… until you throw in Iverson and Olajuwon references.  Asher Roth pulls it off, and the catchiness is undeniable.  It will be literally impossible to spend any time in a college frat house this semester and not here this song.  Now, trust, A.I. and the Dream will be there too.  If it really makes you feel better, throw the Jones version on, instead.  Hmmm, maybe we didn’t help ourselves with that last suggestion.

Back In The Day Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 13 points, 1 head bump

Offense, and only offense, but he managed a dunk that led to the infamous head tap!  D-Miles?  Q-Rich?  L-Eezy?  It was all good just a week ago.  And Portland — THERE’S ONLY 1 GAME LEFT!!!

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq has blessed us with his latest nickname: now calls himself Shaq-ovic “because if you go around the league anybody with the last name ‘vic’ is a great shooter.”

This was after he claimed to finally find the cure to his free throw ills (he went 12-12 over the course of two games).  Of course last night, he came back to America (from Eastern Europe) a little with a 6-11 performance from the stripe.  No complaints here though.  Whatever keeps you happy and talking, big fella.  Our favorite Shaq story of the year though, is Steve Kerr’s account that the Diesel often goes to Wal-Mart following home games, picks up some items… and anyone else’s bill that happens to be standing in line!  Awesome.  We don’t support Wal-Mart, but that’s still great.

Studio Show Of The Night:

Put it on the board.  With the Chuckster out for awhile following his most recent run-in with another personal vice, it’s NBA GameNight time.  C-Webb and Gary Paytonare everything Kenny and Chuck USED to be.  They completely wile out.  They are still connected enough with current players that they really have some inside ish and relationships, so when C-Webb throws somebody under the bus — we’re looking at you, Coach O’Brien — it rings true.  And did we mention they really just wile out?  Gary Payton on the fake cover of Cat Lovers magazine?  Love it.  And yeah, Ahmad gets zero credit.

Eddy Curry.  We only PRAY that he hadn’t put on all this new weight at the time he was running around naked.  But really not a pretty sight, either way…  Because the superthug is back.  IS BACK.  The superthug is back… Minnesota finally loses, but Randy Foye stayed hot, dropping 29/8 asts./5 rebs./1 stl.  The awakening… And that was the only coaching change that did anything, right?  The Kings’ certainly did not work, unless they were looking to give up 139 points, including 23-37 3-point shooting!  That’s a record, Orlando…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

The TNT production truck for the Denver/Cleveland game.

As the 3rd quarter began in last night’s game, a miracle of miracles occurred — Reggie Miller’s mic was cut off!  It was short-lived, and the words of the Czar were also lost in the collateral damage, but it was a glorious time nonetheless.  Praise Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Jah, Pac and the Ruler Zig Zag Zig Allah.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

LeBron James — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

But it was all about the D, son.  Word is that at halftime, Bron was walking around singing: “Give me a ‘Lo lockdown, a ‘Lo lockdown, gimme a ‘Lo lock down, you looooose”.  And that’s what happened.  Life was very difficult for Melo in the second half and the Cavs got a rare (for the Melo/Bron Era) win over the Nuggets.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Erick Dampier — 18 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

Nice little stat line from Damp, but the ship be sinking in Dallas, as they lost to the Chi and fell to 2-6.  FREE GERALD GREEN!

Andris Biedrins — 19 boards, 17 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Biedrins has been the highlight of an otherwise bleak season for G-State.  They lost this one to the Pistons, but your boy is starting to look like a nice all-around player.  What they really need to do is go ahead and ship Al Harrington so they can add another legit guy to their rotation.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Jason Maxiell — have some of this AZUBUIKE BACON!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, SON!  Courtesy of Head Chef Kelenna Azubuike.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“‘Cause I was running game like Larry to a Bird who could score a lot of points while she dribbles on my balls ’cause she go hard for the green like Celtics”

That’s from 88-Keys’ “Ho’ Is Short For Honey” off his The Death Of Adam album.  It’s a solid album, but the theme/storyline he tried to go with does not add much, and probably detracts.  “Stay Up” feat. Kanye is the joint, though.

Matt Barnes, Rafter Alston and Steve Nash suspended for their roles in Wednesday night’s dust up.  Nash?  All he did was get abused twice by McGradles… Best ticket package around league?  Detroit’s 5-game “Fiverson Package”.  Get it?  Awesome… That was a garbage call/ejection on Kenyon.  Pure reputation.  Where’s the support Kenny and Chuck?  What did Kenyon do, exactly, on the last play?  Pure flop… OMG, if Will Bynum had completed that dunk on Turiaf…
Leandro Barbosa’s mother passed, and he will miss several games while he travels to Brazil.  Keep your head up, playa…

Another outstanding All-Star Weekend — L.O.N.’s favorite time of year.  We hate to see it end.

Line Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 1 All-Star Game MVP Award

2 All-Star Game MVP awards at the age of 23?  Sick.  Ray Allen made a huge push for this award, going crazy from 3 in the 4th quarter to end up with 28 points.  However, in the final minute with the game’s outcome in the balance, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST happened!  LeBron served some delicious sauerkraut right in Dirk’s Mouth!  Wow.  Nowitzki is so worthless… step up!

Worst Of The Night:

This is a tie between Mr. Cryant and Reggie Miller.  Kobe hit us with a quick strike of awfulness, while Reggie Miller waged a long, hard-fought, campaign!  The Mailroom Supervisor sums up our Reggie feelings, a little later on.  As for Kobe, thanks for uselessly taking up a roster spot to play only 3 minutes with your stupid, messed up finger.  In one of the deepest potential All-Star classes in memory, Kobe had to waste a roster spot and make it all about him, parading around answering questions about his injury and gleefully showcasing his wrapped hand on the bench.

Boooooooooooooo-riiiiiiiiing Of The Night:

How boring were the marginal West selections?  When you’re practically forced to take Yao Ming, Tim Duncan and Nowitzki each year on the roster, you are already starting a little high on boring All-Stars meter.  Outstanding players (well, not Dirk, ha!), but just not fun guys to have in the All-Star game — Yao’s three’s and Duncan’s jokes (and three’s as well) notwithstanding.  So when you’re starting with that kind of disadvantage, can you please not force us to stomach Carlos Boozer, David West and Brandon Roy (that no-way-in-hell oop he attempted is Exhibit A)?  Come on.  Give us Boom Dizzle, Manu Ginobili, and Deron Williams!  Free Stephen Jackson.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The NIght:

Chris Paul for being “a home team hero and not throwing up despite his nerves and being super-cute”

Runner-up for H.O.N.nie?  Ernie Johnson — for “having to deal with Charles Barkley and for saying ’spanked’ on national television”.

The MRSV’s N.O.T.tie Of The Night

Straight from the MRSV:  “Shut up, already, Reggie!  Not only are you ugly, but your voice sucks and your brain is stupid.”

Yikes.  We can’t argue with that.

Fashion Review Of The Night:

TNT did a particularly poor job of celebrity spotting and player shoe coverage, but we scoped what we could.

We loved the uniforms and the warm-ups, especially the West’s.  A lot of people were hating on the double-sided unis, but we were feeling ‘em.  Our favorite detail were the logos of past All-Star weekends on player’s warm-ups who had been on multiple teams.

Magic Johnson had on a nice gray and purple (the color of the weekend, it seemed) suit/tie combo.  His problem is that he’s getting a little too big for any suit to look right on him.

Harry Connick, Jr. really wanted to stand out, as he rocked neon-brown (yes, neon-brown!  At least when contrasted by his all black suit/shirt/tie) dress shoes.  Special All-Star editions, perhaps?  Were they stitched with H-Conn-JR?

Just in case a picnic broke out, assistant coach Darrell Walker was prepared, dipped out in an orange and blue table cloth.

On the court, Carmelo had a whole lot of leg stuff going on: red socks, white calf covers, and various other stuff.

As we mentioned, shoe coverage was minimal.  A big deal was made of Chris Paul’s dual-allegiance, though.  In the first half he wore the new Jordan XXIII’s (as did Melo), while in the second half he switched to his first signature shoe, which bore tributes to his deceased grandfather as well as his college coach, Skip Prosser.

Craig Sager also interviewed Steve Nash about his dogs, which were covered in shoes made from 100% recycled material.  However, the highlight of that exchange was Nash snatching Sager’s handkerchief, blowing his nose in it, and placing it back in Craig’s suit pocket!  Boom.

We also noticed LeBron, in an All-Star edition of his signature line, colored blue and gray like the East unis, as well as Iditarod with shiny gold feet.  No word if those meet official Iditarod racing specifications.

Non-MVP, MVP Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 16 points, 14 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards

The MVP winner almost always hinges on the outcome of the game, and this year’s award was no different.  If the West had come all the way back, hometown hero Chris Paul would have been the man.  He took over in the 4th, just like he does back on his Hornets squad.  It’s a beautiful thing when a point guard dominates a game.  It’s like he’s a puppet master controlling each of the other 9 guys on the court.  His size and abilities are similar to what might happen if you took Allen Iverson’s body, cut off half his brain, and put half of Steve Nash’s brain in.  Steven Ivasherson.  l Get used to this dude runnin’ thangs in mid-February for years to come.

Big Men Shooting 3’s Of The Night:

It’s become a time-honored All-Star tradition; big men, finally unbridled, step out for an attempt at a little 3-point glory.  There was more glory than usual this year, as Yao (0-2), Amare (1-2), Duncan (0-1, and he had another, just toeing the line that he banked in ON PURPOSE), and Rasheed Wallace (1-5, mostly left-handed!) were all in the mix.  Commentator Doug Collins even joked about it, suggesting coach Byron Scott was inserting Yao back into the lineup for his needed 3-point touch.  The moral of the story (word to Saigon) though?  ‘Sheed’s left-handed long-range gun is more potent than almost every other big man shooting with their strong hand!

D-Wade Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

At one point, after a Wade miscue, the L.O.N. C.E.O. jokingly said that D-Wade is “over-the-hill”, but actually, had some of the more entertaining highlights on the night.  First, he took Big Dirk to the hole, bringing back memories of the Heat/Mavs Finals.  Then, in the third quarter, he came with the Jordanesque, back-to-the-basket, wrist-slap, over-head-flip-shot, and-1!  Beautiful.  Finally, he sealed the game by STUFFING Big Dirk at the 3-point line!  Jeez… Big Dirk gets absolutely and consistently abused when surrounded by great players.

David West the only player to have his name on the front AND back of this jersey.  WEST on WEST, FOOLS!  It almost makes us want another Westside Connection album, just so they can all rock that jersey in the video…  TNT’s new backboard stat pop-out is weird and unnecessary, but we like it… Steve Nash needs to shoot more in the regular season games… Jason Kidd guarded Dirk at one point.  Oh the intrigue!… Nashty assists a Dirk turnaround.  Oh the memories!… Is Nash going to develop a jealous rage against Kidd?  Or LeBron vs. Dirk?  This week, on “As The Aging Unloaded Star Turns”… Stop calling fouls, refs!… The Nash/Paul back court was AWESOME… Gotta love the triple-alley-oop, featured as #3 in this countdown… Amare served Dwight Howard some scrumptious breakfast.  #2 in that same video…