L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

It’s the questions, whuuuuut?  The questions, whuuuuut?  The questions!

What, tigga, what, tigga, what, tigga, WHAAAAAT!

As we do every year, let’s get ready for another glorious season with actual questions from actual readers… and actual questions from some not-so-actual readers!

1)  As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?

Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 9:

#1  Denver — J. R. Smith.  Basketball debauchery in the flesh.  And they bring out the debauchery in their opponents, as well, creating 48 minutes of beautiful mayhem.  We will miss the Eduardo Najera 3’s, though.
#2  Portland — Greg Oden is our most-anticipated rookie to see, probably followed closely by Rudy Fernandez.  Throw in Revolutionary Travis Outlaw, and it’s a wrap.
#3  San Antonio — Odd years on, even years off — like a metronome.  And with Manu out for awhile to start the season, it’s gonna be The French Pastry Show in San Anton.
#4  Houston — Ron Artest makes defense exciting.
#5  Clip Joint — That’s a wild mix.  Exciting and entertaining, maybe.  But can that roster win games consistently?
#6  Cleveland — Mo Williams may finally be the piece that cements LeBron in this list.  This could be a special season, ya’ll.
#7  Detroit Pistons — Amir Johnson and Rodney “Yo, ma, I’m 50 Cent”.
#8  Philly Snakes –  Are they ready to take that next step up to the East’s elite?  We hate having the co-founder of Brand and Boozer’s Backstabbin’ and Beguilin’ Band Of Brothers on this list, but the Other A.I., Louis Williams and Thaddeous Young must be witnessed.
#9  Boston Ceatles — We still have love for K.G. and Paul Peezy, and check this field report from L.O.N.’s Resident Scientist:  “I dont think I said anything about this yet, but a couple weeks ago, when Bill Walker had that really good dunk over someone, the pure elation, joy, and madness that ensued on the Celtics bench was an amazing thing to see.  The fact that they all acted like that, during a pre-season game, means they are a team and they really like each other.  Repeat.”  Love.

Bottom Four:

#1 Milwaukee — Scott.  Skiles.
#2 Oklahoma City Thunder — Sorry, KD.  The Earl Watson Experience meets boring uniforms meets a despicable franchise move.  Count us out.
#3 New York Knicks — You’re gonna have to prove it first, D’Antoni.  Duhon != Nash.
#4 L.A. Lakers — Word-for-word from last year’s preview:  “Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.”
2)  Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the off season?

Greg Popovich’s pre-season beard got way outta hand, making us all wonder if the Spurs’ style would take a similar wild turn this season.  Who knows?  Pop is clearly feeling the need to express himself, and that may lead to any type of on-court madness.  You know, crazy stuff like a 9-man rotation vs. an 8-man, or maybe Powerade on the bench instead of Gatorade.  Anything can happen.  Word to Wyclef.

Although we are sure more guys will surprise as the season unfolds, that’s all we caught on the personal style tip during the pre-season.  Several teams are breaking out new gear, though, and pretty much all to underwhelming response (at least from us).  The Orlando Magic came with the most drastic (we use that word loosely) of the changes, introducing diverging silver pinstripes to the NBA scene, and going with the #1 entry on the L.O.N.’s Most-Hated Neckline list.  We have never understood, liked, or approved of that.  Worst Of The Night.

The Seattle… err, Oklahoma City Thunder kept it real, real lazy.  What is that?  Looks like they came up with a disco-hell mix (word to Ced the Entertainer) of the simplest aspects of the Knicks’, Bobcats’ and Hawks’ unis.  While they are at it, maybe they should try to combine rosters with those squads.  Even if their jerseys stilled looked like they belonged in rec league for 10-12 year-olds, they might actually finish above 10th-12th in their conference.

The Milwaukee Bucks are introducing a new alternate jersey, inspired by their 1971 joints.  We tend to like simple uniforms (think Celtics or Spurs), but homage or not, these are simple in a boring kind of way.  And is that Big E on the end an homage to the Big Yi they lost this off-season?

New Orleans tweaked their outfits and logo ever so slightly, with the most important change being the re-introduction of the old Charlotte-style pinstripes.  Word to Dell Curry!  And Glenn Rice’s (former? ex?) wife.  And Muggsy.

Meanwhile, Minnesota also tinkered with the details of their unis.  At least they will look slightly different while losing 50+ games again.

3)  What big ticket players will be heading to new teams this year?  Odom?  Billups?  Randolph?
4)  Who will be the first player traded after the start of the regular season?

Don’t forget about Rasheed Wallace, who is in the last year of his contract, and playing for a GM, in Joe Dumars, that has been trying to shake things up since the end of last season.  Shawn Marion in Motown?  Seems intriguing.

5)  Which lottery pick will have the biggest impact on his team this year?  What about someone outside of the lottery?

This season we are presented with the rare situation of two #1 overall picks making their debuts, in Greg Oden and Derrick Rose.  Rose is a point’s point, but does not quite have the supporting cast that Oden can claim.  With the pivot spot sured up, Portland is looking to make post-season noise.  We are not convinced the Bulls can make that same leap.  Statistically, Michael Beasley will factor into this argument, but a Crazy Convention could break out with he and Shawn Marion both in South Beach.  And actually, after that weird Star Jones period D-Wade went through last year, maybe he’s the Chairman of Crazy, down there.

Non-lottery?  Watch out for another Blazer, Nicolas Batum, who is penciled in as the starting small forward in Rip City.  That smells like a Royal Ivey, 7-minutes-a-game-in-Atlanta starting scenario, though, so we’ll go with the Suns’ Robin Lopez.  With Steve Kerr’s emphasis on defense and The Diesel’s propensity to miss “unhealthy” chunks of the regular season, the wilder of the Lopez Twins is set to do damage.  And you gotta love the unintentional comedy/entertainment factor whenever the Lopez Twins are on the scene.  We need a reality show.

6)  Who will be the biggest bust from this year’s rookie class?

Joe Alexander.  Unless, like we have said before, he joins the professional beach volleyball circuit.  Or becomes one of those trampoline dunkers.

7)  Who will be the Jerry Sloan “Surprise Player Of The Year”?

Jerry Sloan dropped this gem after Kyrylo Fesenko dropped a 10/10 double-double on Portland this pre-season:  “That’s the best I’ve ever seen him play since he’s been alive.”

So who will have the best season they have ever had since being alive?  We don’t know, but that might be the best quote we hear while we’re alive.

8)  Can you explain some comments that were heard over the Summer regarding LeBron James being the most over-rated player in the NBA?  Who could even think such a thing?

Absurd.  Outlandish.  Flabbergasting.  The term is more over-used than a McCain/Maverick reference, but this is the definition of “hater”.  Only someone with a genuine personal issue with The King could utter such words.

9)  To the MRSV — Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Official H.O.N. Top 5:

#1 Baron Davis
#2 Gilbert Arenas
#3 Tony Parker
#4 LeBron James
#5 D Wade

Dang, the MRSV went the pure big tymer route on us this year.  Dollar signs in her eyes, we think!
10)  Will the Pistons new coach and young up-and-comers return Motown to glory?

We’ll let the Mailroom Supervisor answer this one.  MRSV:  “What do you mean by return?  They are working on their 5th straight title this year.  What a run!”
11)  Can the “Boston Three Party” repeat this season?

“No, but the Pistons can.”  AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Get those crazy Pistons fans out of the control room!

12)  Seriously…  How are the Pistons going to do this year? Who is your favorite Piston?

No doubt about, ‘Sheed Wallace, yet and still.  Come on.  Ball don’t lie.  Sneaking up on ‘Sheed though, and ready to take the mantle, is Young Amir Johnson.  He is on the cusp of Revolutionary status, and in the starting lineup this year.  We like the Pistons’ chances as a team, as well.  They have managed to keep the old guard around, while infusing the rotation with young talent, in Rodney Stuckey, Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Arron Afflalo.  Tayshaun Prince still has not fully harnessed his talent, and Kwame Brown might even be a nice piece on a team like this.  We may have just talked ourselves out of the ‘Sheed trade, and into a Pistons Finals run.  Hmm… keep reading while we sort this out.

13)  With Sam-I-Am’s post-retirement coaching plans, who wins in a coaches’ “talking battle” - Sam Cassell or Avery Johnson?

If these two were to ever lead their teams against each other in a Playoff Series, the most-entertaining aspect of the series would the amazing press conferences.  Sam mumbling some obscure alien-like analogy with Avery slamming his hand on the table and using that one-of-a-kind voice to express his dismay.  Absolutely awesome.

14)  How many basketballs will the NBA use this year?
15)  How many jerseys will be purchased this year?
16)  Which franchise will make the most money?
17)  How many hot dogs will be sold at NBA games this year?
These must have come from the resident L.O.N. Salesman… all he cares about is the bottom line.  If you are ever around someone asking questions like this and saying your first name a lot, hide your wallet and run!  We’ll break it down, though:  1233, 2.89 million, Los Angeles Lakers, 14.33 million.

18)  Will Greg Oden come out and be an absolute beast? 

Good question.  He will be fighting a tough knee-injury recovery, adjusting to playing against the best athletes in the world, facing Breakfast Bounties and of course dealing with all the issues of being a 40+ year-old rookie.  We do not see Dwight Howard-like beastness, but he’ll give it to a large majority of the leagues pivots.  Still, that microfracture recovery is nothing to blink at, so do not expect the world, THIS year.

19)  Will Michael Jordan once again come out of retirement to play in the newly incorporated Space Basketball League (SBL)?

No, but he is the player/coach for Earth’s basketball team entry into the Space Olympics.

20)  Any powerhouse teams that will take a nosedive this year?

You heard it here first — the situation in Dallas is scary.  You have Rick Carlisle, known for defense and a controlled-offense, heading a team that screams for run-and-gun O with optional D.  Avery Johnson coaxed some nice defensive performances out of roughly the same team, but damn near the whole team hated him by the end of his run.  The individual talent on the roster is still obvious, but if they do not figure out a signature personality quickly, there could another, um, Cuban Missile Crisis on the horizon.

21)  Will LeBron tip his hand in regards to his impending departure to a New York team by the end of the year?
22)  Does L.O.N. support the King leaving Cleveland?

He won’t tip his hand this year, as dude actually has 2 more years in Cleveland.  That’s what a lot of people do not realize.  This issue is going to reach Brett Favre retirement level of media hype before it is all said and done.  But he’s not going to do anything to mess up his current situation; he is too savvy of a business man.  Do we support the departure?  Only if it’s to the BROOKLYN Nets, and only if Jay-Z is still involved.  The possibilities with those two cats together are endless, and we love all of them.

23) Could the Other Gasol (Marc) out-stat his brother, Pau?

It could happen.  Throw in the potential decline on Pau’s side due to further suppressing his own output for the good of the Lakers and the Andrew Bynum influence, with Marc’s potential output as the starting center on the run-and-gun Grizzlies, and these two’s stats may look more similar than you might think.  Marc looked good in the Olympics, but he would not be the first Euro to bust in the NBA.  He at least should make last year’s trade look slightly more even than the outright collusion it appeared to be at the time.

24)  What’s the top selling jersey in the NBA this year?

LeBron has got to claim this title eventually, right?  This is the year.  Mark it down.  If not him, it will probably be J.R. Smith (if L.O.N. comes into a trillion dollars and executes the “Jersey In Every Pot” plan).

25)  Are the Spurs too old?  Are the Spurs just dried up old raisins at this point?  Do we really need to discuss them still?  I don’t see their relevancy.

Seriously?  This comes through literally every year.  Check the League Pass ratings for your answer:  more relevant than ever.  Honestly, even if they falter on the court, The French Pastry keeps them relevant on the pop culture tip alone.  Dude is everywhere — NBA Live cover, Windows commercials, the tabloids with Eva, etc.  Los Spurs, holmes.

26)  Who is going to win the dunk contest?  With what kind of dunk?

We are not sure Dwight Howard will be defending his title, as the bona fide star in the dunk contest is a thing of the past.  We gotta put Gerald Green as the odds on favorite, going into the season, now that he is back on a roster, with the Mavs.  Green had the creativity and ability last year, and Superman cape or not, the cupcake dunk is still our favorite ish from last year’s contest.  Only Pac can judge what he might break out this year.

27)  How do you feel about Josh Howard’s off the court issues this Summer?

L.O.N. has lassez faire weed stance — let the people smoke.  But of course, Howard needs to know not to show the seams on national radio.  Same thing with the national anthem hulla baloo.  The man is allowed to speak his mind… but he might want to find a better forum.  The ugliest part of the situation ended up being the despicable emails and internet posts so many people out there anonymously leveled at Howard.  Come on.  In the words of the great Jay Hova, “I thought this was America people?”.  Even if the populace had expressed themselves a little more eloquently, they are contradicting themselves.  This would not be America if we were not allowed to speak our minds!  That being said, if you do not think J.R. Smith is the second coming of Basketball Jesus, ya’ll need to leave the country immediately.

28)  Will anything happen this season to further the belief that the NBA is rigged, like the WWE?

You mean, other than Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry only leaving Dantoni’s bench to perform actual WWE-style wrestling events at all Knicks home games?

29)  How many basketball games are you going to watch this year?

773.

30)  How many live basketball games are you going to watch?

Dang, is the Salesman back?   7?

31)  Please break down the Los Angeles Clippers - is it going to be as fun as it could be?  Baron, Ricky, young Al Thornton and the Twin Towers?

Fun is a good word, unless half the team ends up injured on the bench.  This is Boom Dizzle and Marcus Camby we are dealing with, after all.  Another phrase that might be used is “interesting mix”.  The Caveman and the Camby Man may actually work out well, since Camby likes to launch those 20 foot j’s more than bang on offense, and don’t even think about coming in the paint when they are on D.  But can they deal with smaller lineups?  What will Dunleavy get out of the notoriously mercurial Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas?  Are there too many Davis’ in one place at one time (Baron, Paul and Ricky)?  Will DeAndre Jordan make GMs across the league throw up in their mouths for passing over the one time projected lottery pick?  The people demand answers.

32)  What player is going to become a star this year?

If you don’t know the answer to this, you haven’t been reading.  Think the opposite of Emmitt Rider.


33)  Who is going to be the MVP?

LeBron James.  LeBron James again?  Awwww yeah, again and again.  The time is now.  Give him the jersey sales, the trophies, the triple-double season average… everything except the title.  It’s not quite time, yet.

34)  Overall predictions?

LeBron’s singular talent still will not quite be enough… the Ceatles will not be quite as hungry and will miss James Posey… no one in the Southeast is ready… neither is Philly… Pistons over Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Chris Paul’s singular talent will not quite be enough… Denver is Denver… the Lakers still do not quite feel quite right… Carlos Boozer’s surprisingly tentative/soft performance against the Lakers last year scares us…Dallas is done… Phoenix is rickety… Spurs over Rockets in Western Conference Finals.

Spurs over Pistons in 7.  Classic ish.

35)  What else do I need to know about?

Vinny The Black, coaching the Bulls.  Realize and recognize… We miss Agent Zero.  Get your knee right, playa!… All you DYYEEEE, is this part right here, BOOM!… If there is a God, please, please, please make Sasha Vujacic go back to the short hair… With all the focus on rookies, do not forget about 2nd year guys that could break out.  Keep your eyes on guys like Julian Wright and Thaddeous Young, this year… Kenny and Chuck are back!…

Line Of The Night:

LeBr.O.N. James — 31 points, 14 boards, 12 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

You can’t spell LeBron without L.O.N., and he’s proving why, with his second straight triple-double. This one got the Cavs a win, at Indiana.

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 5 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Absolutely no one talks about Toronto, and for that matter Orlando, when it comes to Playoffs. Sure we’d like to see a healthy T.J. Ford back on the team, but Bosh wants the Great White North to be heard. They’ve been to the Playoffs, they’ve won a series, and this year they want more.

Manu Ginobili — 44 points, 4 assists, 3 boards, 1 steal

The actual factual L.O.N.nie winner, but we couldn’t resist the LeBr.O.N. gimmick. Over the past few years many people have wondered what type of numbers Ginobili would put up if he was the focal point of a team — now we know. He would ball. In the month of February he has averaged 25.9 ppg on 50.8% shooting, with two 40+ point games. Thursday night he even threw in the game-winning jump shot. The coupe is on Ma-nu, Gi-nobilis.

Worst Of The Night:

Knicks, 84, 76ers, 124

Yeah, that’s losing by a 40-spot! Extend Isiah! At one point ESPN.com’s scoreboard was not updating, and it looked like New York was winning the 4th quarter 19-0. It turned out to be a malfunction, but it WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED. The Knicks would have still been down by 21!

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 31 points, 11 assists, 9 steals, 5 boards

As the MVP chants rained down in the N.O., Paul stole the show in Jason Kidd’s Mavs debut.

Earl Watson — 15 points, 9 assists, 8 boards

This is a CLASSIC case of a bad player putting up big numbers on a bad team. We watched this game, and despite playing NBA point guard now for 7 years, he still makes a lot of middle school decisions. P.J. Carlesimo is definitely only enduring the Alien Head Era, not enjoying it.

Trade Part I Of The Night:

Cleveland gets:

Wally Szczerbiak
Delonte West
Ben Wallace
Joe Smith
2009 2nd Round Pick

Chicago gets:

Larry Hughes
Drew Gooden
Cedric Simmons
Shannon Brown

Seattle gets:

Donyell Marshall
Ira Newble
Adrian Griffin

This seems like a big mess. Trading for the sake of trading? As Kenny Smith pointed out on Inside The NBA last night, all the players Cleveland received have huge question marks. Sure, if each one works out perfectly, the Cavs will be in great shape. But if each guy plays like he has been, they’ll probably be worse off than before. Chicago and Seattle succeeded by getting out from underneath terrible contracts, and the Bulls probably ended up the single most valuable commodity, in Drew Gooden.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

Houston gets:

Bobby Jackson
Adam Haluska

Rights to Sergei Lishouk

Memphis gets:

Marcus Vinicius
Rights to Malick Badiane
Cash

New Orleans gets:

Bonzi Wells
Mike James

Thank you for facilitating, Memphis. Chris Wallace must have friends in high places, in either Houston or N.O. Or they just wanted to keep it a South Thang. This is simply a move to sure up a couple weak areas, for the stretch run. Mike James sort of is Bobby Jackson, so N.O. gets their money for nothing, and their chicks for free. Houston’s motivation was getting rid of Mike James’ contract… you know, they one they just game him prior to this season! This trade proves that was one of the stupidest signings ever.

Trade Part III Of The Night:

Houston gets:

Gerald Green

Minnesota gets:

Kirk Snyder
2nd Round Pick
Cash

Why not take a flier on Green? He can score, which he showed while he was in Boston. For some unknown reason, Minnesota never game him a chance, so he does seem to come with a “Buyer Beware” tag. The Rockets lose practically nothing though, so why not?

Trade Part IV Of The Night:

Denver gets:

Taurean Grean

Portland gets:

Von Wafer

No clue. Who cares? Every player with the last name Green had to be traded by league mandate? Philly missed the memo, keeping Willie? The L.O.N. C.E.O. and Resident Scientist do have a bet, though, as to whether Green will still be in the League in the couple years… so maybe this will affect that?

Trade Part V Of The Night:

Detroit gets:

Juan Dixon

Toronto gets:

Primoz Brezec

Nice for Detroit. Brezec was not playing for them, and they pick up a nice veteran back court guy in Dixon, who can shoot that rock. Guess Toronto just wanted front court depth. And they can never have enough European players!

Trade Part VI Of The Night:

San Antonio gets:

Kurt Thomas

Seattle gets:

Brent Barry
Francisco Elson
2009 1st Round pick

Yet ANOTHER guy goes back home, as Barry goes back to the place where he had his best years. However, the story of this is Kurt Thomas. Is there a better fit for San Antonio? He’ll slide right in, adding defense, toughness and a nice little jump shot. Most importantly, he adds crazy eyes!!!! Yes.

Forget Devin Harris, Marcus Williams=freed. 25 points, 4 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block in his first start in the post-Jason Kidd era… Detroit has hit a rough patch coming out of the break, losing two in a row. They better take out Milwaukee tonight, before they go on the road to play Phoenix, Denver and Utah… If the Phoenix/LA and Boston/G-State games are any indication, this stretch run of the season is going to live up to the hype… Boom Dizzle at the buzzer — YES!!!!… Somebody done told D.J. Mbenga wrong. He thought Shaq’s Diner was closed? EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!…

Line Of The Night AKA Dunk Contest Blow-By-Blow Of The Night:

It’s all about the dunk contest, ya’ll.  This year’s edition was one of the most overall entertaining contests ever.  Every contestant brought something nice to the competition, and Dwight Howard and Gerald Green had truly unforgettable performances.  Almost all of the dunks deserve discussion, and discussion they’ll get.  Here’s a blow-by-blow recap.

Jamario Moon, 1st Attempt, 46, L.O.N. score — 9:

Moon went with the self-toss alley-oop, and it is nasty.  After the bounce, he 360s (only about 180 in the air), reaches waaaaaay back with one arm, and finishes it strong.  It is not as good as when Fred Jones did the same thing a few years back, but it is impressive.  He needed to do something to get the crowd involved more, though.  It’s like everybody was still asleep.  Overall a strong start from Moon.

Rudy Gay, 1st Attempt, 37, 7:

Gay came baseline, did a two-handed cradle into a left-handed dunk.  Nice dunk?  Sure.  But we’ve seen it before, and he does nothing to build any excitement.  A lot of the talking heads stated that Gay is more of “game dunker” and he might have trouble in this contest.  Looks like they were right.

Dwight Howard, 1st Attempt, 50, 10!!!:

Uh-oh.  He’s going to the other end… what’s happening?  What’s he gonna do?  He’s walking around… he’s inspecting… the anticipation is building.  OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  From out-of-bounds, behind the backboard, he throws it off the board, keeps his head behind, and windmills it in?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!!!  Creativity and an unmatched combination of jumping ability and height.  Ya’ll (Gay, Moon, Green) are in trouble!

Gerald Green, 1st Attempt, 46, 10!!!!!!!!:

Green announced prior to the show that his first dunk would be the “Birthday Cake”.  Another smart move, building anticipation.  He’s got his teammate Rashad McCants up on a ladder, with a birthday cake… what in the world?  Rashad’s lighting a candle on the cake!  He’s gonna blow it out!  McCants bounces the ball to him… he grabs the ball two-handed… OHHHHH!!!!!  HE BLEW IT OUT!!!  HE BLEW OUT THE CANDLE THEN DUNKED TWO-HANDED!!  THAT’S THE HOTTEST DUNK EVER!!!!!   The judges only give him a 46?

You gotta see the instant replay to fully appreciate this one.  TNT has a camera right behind the board which clearly shows  Green blowing out the candle before slamming it home.  That is awesome.  But without replay, the judges don’t really get it.  This is like last year, when Howard’s “sticker dunk” was not fully appreciated live.  It’s time to give the judges monitors.  Cats these days are capable of stuff that cannot be fully comprehended by the naked eye alone.

Rudy Gay, 2nd Attempt, 48, 9:

Why is Rudy going?  Isn’t it Jamario’s turn?  He’s got teammate Kyle Lowry (uh-oh… showing preference over Mike Conley?  Tabloid drama!) out there to help.  A practice toss against the back stanchion… these things are great for anticipation.  Lowry bounces it off the stanchion and Gay windmills it.  Nice.  Way better than his first dunk, but a bit derivative compared to D-Ho’s dunk.  He is just a victim of bad timing.  It probably would have been more well received had he done this first.  But he still manages a 48 for the second best score so far!

Jamario Moon, 2nd Attempt, 44, 8:

Hmm… Moon is putting down a tape marker, two feet behind the free throw line.  If he can complete this… oh my.  He has teammate Jason Kapono out there as well, so it must be an oop.  Nah, after the first failed attempt it appears this ain’t gonna work.  Kapono is bouncing it too him, so there’s a whole lot of timing that has be perfect.  Well he got it, but he stepped WAY inside the line.  He completed it one-handed off the bounce.  Magic Johnson is right — he should not have set expectations so high by putting down the tape.

Gerald Green, 2nd Attempt, 45, 9:

What in the world… Green is back with the ladder, but this time it is pulled out further on the court.  McCants is back out there as well, and is climbing up to the top.  He does NOT look comfortable up there and he even is doing the sign of the cross!  Comedy.  He is holding the ball out with one hand… he lofts it straight up above the basket… Green takes off, catches, and a NASTY windmill!  That dude is SO high!  No exaggeration when we say his head is above the rim.  He is the official windmill king of the world at this point.

Dwight Howard, 2nd Attempt, 50, 9:

Dwight is coming out on the court with teammate Jameer Nelson.  He’s putting tape down… a Magic dancer brings out something red.. Nelson grabs it… is it a cape?  It is!  Did the L.O.N. Unpaid Intern get in his ear?  He had been raving about capes in dunk contests, earlier this weekend.  D-Ho takes his jersey off to reveal a Superman costume!  Nelson puts the cape on him!  The crowd goes wild!  This is gonna win it off principal.  Jameer throws it from behind the board, Howard takes off from what appears to be the planet Krypton… he grabs it… he’s flying!!!!  He throws it down!!!  Kenny Smith has absolutely lost his damn mind!!!!!  They are playing the Superman music in the background!!!  Absolutely amazing!

Wow.  On the replay though, it shows that he did not really dunk it.  His hand ended up a foot away from the basket, and he had to throw the ball in.  So it’s not even really a dunk.  But the way he captured the imagination of everyone in the arena, no one even cares.  Now this is a situation where replay might have hurt his score.  Although it is absurd to see him flying through the air like that.  The slept on part of this dunk is Nelson’s pass from BEHIND THE BACKBOARD.  Perhaps the key to this hole thing is that he nailed it on the first attempt.

Gerald Green, Final Round, 1st Attempt, 9:

At this point, Dwight Howard has complete control of the crowd.  Green is going to have to do something extremely special to pull this out.  There is no more court side judging, as the fans will pick the winner from here.  He pulled his pants up way high, so maybe he’s doing “The Nerd Dunk”?  McCants is out there again too… do these guys do anything separately?  Seems like the two of them together, off the court, is a recipe for trouble!  Looks like he’s attempting a pass over the backboard, catch off the bounce, between the legs… that’s a whole lotta stuff going on.  DAMN, that is nice!  Like Kenny said, though, a lot of people have gone through the legs.  Green added a new twist to it though, off the pass… and he is so high!

Dwight Howard, Final Round, 1st Attempt, 10:

No props, just Howard this time.  He’s throwing the self-oop… he catches off the ground… what the hell did he just do?  OHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  Off the bounce, he tapped it off the board with his left hand, then RE-CAUGHT IT with this right, THEN dunked it home!  So sick.  So, so sick.  Now THAT was his best dunk.  No gimmicks, no pass from another guy, just raw creativity using the ball and the basket.  And he made it look so easy!  That is hard as hell to do.  The competition is his.

Gerald Green, Final Round, 2nd Attempt, 9:

He pretty much cannot win at this point, but let’s see what he’s got.  Ha, he just took his shoes off, autographed them, and put them on the judges’ table!  Comedy.  He goes up for the bare-footed, through the legs windmill.  Nice, but he just can’t touch Howard’s showmanship.  As Dr. J notes later, people underestimate the difficulty of dunking without shoes.  We agree, but he probably needed to pick a different type of dunk, since he had already done that one.  It’s interesting that last year, when Green won, people did not quite understand Howard’s dunks.  Maybe that situation is reversed this year.

Dwight Howard, Final Round, 2nd Attempt, 10:

Let’s finish it up nice, big fella.  He’s bringing out the props again… and here comes that ladder!  The NBA missed out on a sponsorship opportunity with the latter.  Jameer has a mini-hoop, and he’s putting it on the board.  Is he gonna dunk two balls, one small, one big?  Is he putting it up at twelve feet since they wouldn’t let him raise the rim?  No… the mini-hoop is down on the corner of the board, and a real ball has been placed ON TOP of it.   OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  He grabs it off the one hoop, and windmills it in!  That dude is sick.  Wow.  The combo of physicality and athleticism is unbelievable.  Congratulations, Dwight.  You captured the crowd right from the beginning and put on an unforgettable show.  Lovely.

Worst Of The Night:

Rod Benson, D-League All-Star, straight outta North Dakota, received the ball on the break, with nothing at all between him and All-Star glory, and maybe even a 10-day NBA contract.  He sizes up the rim, takes two steps and… ugh.  He tried the impossible task of dunking while BELOW the rim!  The rim wins every time.  Uh-oh… you don’t want to go out like that in the All-Star game!

Guinness Book Of World Records Of The Night:

The Guinness Records are doing their best to get their name back out there in the public spotlight.  After being featured in an episode of Rob & Big, Guinness made it’s next move at the All-Star game.  During Saturday’s open practices, several players tried to hit as many half court shots as possible in one minute.  The East’s practice was first, with LeBron and Jason Kidd setting the record at 3 in a minute.  The amazing part about Kidd’s shots, though, were that he shot most with one hand, under-handed, like a bowler!  And they were right at the rim.  Ay-yo, that Kidd is niiiiiiiice.  Because his form did not get him out of position, he also was able to get off considerably more attempts.  Kidd maybe should win on level of difficulty merits, but at the end of the day, following the West’s practice, Chris Paul was the holder of the record, with 4 in a minute.  Gotta love All-Star practice!

Fashion Review Of The Night:

Last night we were feeling LeBron’s outfit, but he lost us Saturday night.  He had on some sort of half-trench coat, with extra collar, looking like a spy.  Our man Russ Bengston saw the same thing, calling him Inspector Gadget!  At least he kept it interesting.  His serious MVP competition, Kobe, was pure boring, with a black shirt/gray coat combo.  Joining these guys on the worst list was another guy at the top of his respective field, Mark Cuban.  Cuban, albeit dressed up from his usual t-shirt, was looking as raggedy as ever in a frat boy-esque collared, but not button-up, shirt.  You know, one of those Abercrombie-type joints, where the collar stays wrinkled?  He should have just stayed true in a tee.  And he had on a headset… not sure what he was broadcasting (turns out he was on some sort of German All-Star broadcast).

The flashiest cats of the night — and you’re not going to believe this — were Damon Jones and Terrell Owens.  Of course.  Jones had the Mohawk and a burgundy velour suit, while T.O. had the extra-Hollywood, black t with silver shine, accompanied by the sleek black sunglasses, and a bunch of other shine, seemingly coming from everywhere.  That little girl on the tv would tell you, “It’s the mirrors”.

We had two favorites, each coming with vastly different styles.  First, was Amare Stoudemire, who went with the new age, Hipster/Hip-Hop/Hollywood/Rock Star/Disco/Hell mix.  He had a military-type coat with rhinestones, accompanied by the super-thick dookie gold chain!  Awesome.  On the complete other end of the spectrum was Caron Butler.  Tough Juice kept it smooth, opting for a peachy/tan suit with a red pocket handkerchief for a nice contrast.  But where was the obligatory McDonald’s straw?

We also liked what the always well-dressed Dwyane Wade had going, especially the Mailroom Supervisor…

The MRSV’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

D-Wade for: “looking hot in the green leather jacket” and “taking his shirt off for the ladies’ enjoyment before shooting his Guinness half court shots.”

At first glance, we thought we were seeing the Black Fonz, as Wade went with a simple leather jacket, white tee and jeans combo.  But then we realized he had updated the flavor a little, with the green jacket.  And no comment about the second aspect of this.

Three-Point Shootout Of The Night:

Coming in, this field looked absolutely stacked.  However, disappointingly, despite a great individual performance, as a group, this was far from a memorable showing.  Perhaps we should have been aware of impending doom right away, when we saw Rip Hamilton come out with a flaming fire elbow sleeve.  Corny!  It definitely did not help, as Rip could not even stay behind the line and ended up with a low score.  That set the tone for much of the first round, as Steve Nash could not even break double-digits and hometown hero Peja Stojakovic put up a surprisingly bad performance.  Even Dirk barely skated into the 2nd round, shooting with cartoonish arc on his shot.  Boobie Gibson tried to keep his hot rookie shooting display, and was also able to make it past round 1, but in the end, it was a one-man show.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the man, the myth, the legend, Jason Kapono, was untouchable on the night.  He had the high score in each round, and tied Craig Hodges’ all-time single round record of 25.  En fuego.

Probably the highlight of this competition came from the announcing table. First, Kevin Harlan asked Charles and Kenny if they saw Boobie Gibson in the Rookie Game… and they were CALLING that game!  They got him good for that mis-step.  Then, Reggie Miller referred to something on the court as the “titty”, and all hell broke loose, with Charles saying all types of stuff that must’ve had TNT execs cringing.

Shooting Stars Of The Night:

We make no apologies.  We like any and all competitions held on All-Star Weekend, including the much-maligned Shooting Stars.  You can hate us now… but we won’t stop now.

The defending champs, the Detroit team featuring Chauncey, Swin and Laimbeer, looked smug from the get green, and it showed in their debacle of a performance.  Swin couldn’t hit, and then Bill Laimbeer killed a fan when he missed the entire world with his half court shot.  NASA is still tracking that, um, bad boy.  Immediately after, no joke, rumors broke that Swin Cash is being traded to the Seattle Storm!  Yikes.  The WNBA mos def takes this seriously.  The Phoenix team was so awful, all we remember is Eddie Johnson shooting out of turn and Reggie Miller yelling nonsensically about it.

The Bulls team came out with some possible controversy.  Native Louisianan Chris Duhon was looking salty as hell during introductions, while teammates B.J. Armstrong AKA The Original Boobie Gibson and Candice Dupree were looking downright cozy.  Hmm… love triangle of Dawson/Pacey/Joey proportions?  Or are we talking Lucas/Brooke/Peyton/  Anyway… as far as the competition goes, it looked like they had a good number going, but they absolutely fell apart when it came to the half court shot.

The half court shot was the least of San Antone and David Robinson’s worries.  Despite his body looking like he was just on a 3 day break from the season like the rest of the fellas, he took a katrillion shots for him to hit the first lay-up type shot!  Damn awkward lefty.  He nailed the half court shot right away, though, keeping San Antonio in it.

The final round, featuring The Chi vs. Remember The, came down to pretty much the same story.  The Bulls put up a nice number, but then completely fell apart from half court, allowing the Twin Towers + Becky Hammon to triumph.  That’s what champs do.

Skills Challenge Of The Night:

This year’s point guard Skills Challenge featured 3 young guns — Chris Paul, Deron Williams and Dwyane Wade — and an old head, in Jason Kidd.  Kidd screwed up on the jump shot — the graveyard of many a Skills Challenge competitor — while defending champ D-Wade blew it even earlier than that.  He dribbled off his foot into the crowd, almost before the whistle even blew.  Then, he couldn’t hit the J either, and in fact, just threw up quick hopeless shots, just to get by that area.  To complete the microcosm of his Heat squad’s season, he couldn’t even hit the layup at the end!

It came down to the two point guards that are continuously linked, Williams and Paul.  They had the course almost perfected, and in the second round, Williams DID perfect it, setting the all-time record.  It must have been all that PS3 practice he got in earlier that morning.  Paul noticeably picked up his pace in an effort to re-set it, but a missed J got him.  Advantage Williams, in the “best young point” argument.  Is there any more definitive evidence than this?

D-League All-Star Game Of The Night:

L.O.N. saw this game live last year, and when in attendance, it felt like some sort of rec league game in a random gym in Anywere, U.S.A.  Seeing it broadcast live on NBA TV, with Ian Eagle handling play-by-play duties, definitely made it feel much more official.  Not sure if the attendees would agree, though.  This game is also has the least exhibition feel of the all the weekend’s events.  These cats want to make the L, and scouts are in attendance.  It’s a mix of prospects (the Spurs have a good one in Frenchman Ian Mahinmi), sure things just warming up (Morris Almond), niche players just biding their time (Andre Barrett and Eddie Gill) and old heads that just can’t give up their love for the game (Randy Livingston).  So aside from a couple EMPHATIC Kaniel Dickens finishes, and a Mahinmi alley-oop early, there was a lot of solid, fundamental basketball played.  It’s probably a good thing the game generally stayed vanilla, because the few times players tried to show-out a little, the results were not pleasant.

D-League MVP Of The Night:

Jeremy Richardson — 22 points, 4 boards, 1 steal

Other than All-Star teammate and 1st round pick Morris Almond, Richardson might be the best NBA prospect-type out there.  Dude is a scorer.  His J looked good in spurts — a streak shooter for sure — but he has the athleticism to get to the rack.  Probably needs to work on that handle and those muscles, though, if he wants a permanent NBA spot.

It’s Only A Matter Of Time Of The Night:

Morris Almond — 20 points on 8-10 shooting, 3 boards, 1 steal

The jumper is so pure.  When the Jazz do decide to bring him up, he certainly won’t lack confidence.  He’s dropped 53 in a D-League game this year, and now scored 20 against the league’s best.  When you think about how similar his game is to J.J. Redick’s, it’s interesting to consider their divergent paths.  Redick has been forced to languish on the Orlando Magic’s bench, while Almond has received serious run in the minors.  Time will tell if one way works better than the other.

Other D-League Highlights Of The Night:

We’ve always loved Randy Livingston, and he’s serving as a consummate pro and mentor in the D-League.  The reason he can’t play in the NBA at this point, though, was obvious, when 6′10″ Jelani McCoy was able to lock him up on the perimeter!  The knees just can’t get it done, at this point… A few solid big men that could see a future NBA roster:  Lance Allred, winner of the H.O.R.S.E. competition (which seemed maybe a little too boring to ever make the big show) and Elton Brown, an under-sized beast in the post… Sean Banks showed some decent moves out there and we have firsthand knowledge that he also has some nice moves on the poker table.  If you see him at Hollywood Park, watch out.  He just wants to get a 10-day NBA contract so he can get in some of those NBA poker games!… Billy Thomas does a weird, quick, hand-jerk-back after everything — shots, passes, steal attempts — bizarre… Andre Barret just jitter-buggin’ out there… It wouldn’t be a D-League All-Star squad without a Powell.  Word to Kasib and Carlos…

Trade Of The Night:

Atlanta gets:

Mike Bibby, PG

Sacramento gets:

Anthony Johnson, PG
Tyronn Lue, PG
Shelden Williams, PF
Lorenzen Wright, C
2008 2nd Round Pick

Atlanta was forced by League Offices to complete this trade while everyone was paying attention to the All-Star festivities, otherwise people around the globe would have suffered instant heart attacks and/or strokes!  The Hawks as contenders?  Making moves?  They are supposed to be the team taking BACK the future picks and contracts.  It’s a new day.  And they FINALLY have a point guard… possibly the first since Spud Webb and Doc Rivers roamed the city.  This gives them a sick lineup, including one of the best back courts anywhere, and they don’t give up much, as far as current contributors.  Johnson and Lue played before this deal, but would not have been necessary with Bibby around.  This should all but cement a playoff spot for the ATLiens.  Oh yeah… and it’s phenomenal that they managed to recover something legit from one of the worst top 5 picks in history — Shelden Williams.

Sacramento is just trying to restructure and rebuild.  They get rid of Bibby’s large deal, and gain flexibility in 3 expiring contracts.  Besides, they were probably playing better this year before Bibby came back from injury, and Beno Udrih was running things.  This might not be the last you hear out of Sactown in the coming week, as Ron Artest’s name has also been mentioned in possible deals.

The Vernon Maxwell rumor is wild.  The 42 year-old, who has not played since 2001, never had his rights renounced by the Mavs, and has been mentioned as a possibility in the potential Jason Kidd deal!  Madness… T.J. Kidd exploding back on the scene!  God save us…  It’s looking like Gerald Green may need to join Drew Gooden’s All-Airhead Team…  We did not love it, but the NBA at least improved a little in their music selection, going with the New Orleans jazz theme.  Usually they are completely clueless, but Broussard had us jamming… By the end of the night, we were feeling the CGI-ed woman things TNT was using as graphics… Stay classy, Dr. J… Darrell Dawkins is a wild boy… Brent Petway wins the D-League dunk contest.  Air Georgia!!!