L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 7 assists, 5 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that is the Playoff D-Wade everyone expected.  But if hitting a million 3’s and getting Retro J.O. is what it takes for the Heat to win a game, they might be in trouble for the rest of this series.

Worst Of The Night:

Flip Murray — 4-15 for 15 points

This is not necessarily a criticism of Flip.  What we are confused about is Marvin Williams only getting 19 minutes while Flip struggles.  FREE MARVIN WILLIAMS!!!  And where’s Joe Johnson?  Did he and Marvin get put in the cage with Spirit the Hawk?

Rookie Of The Night:

Courtney Lee — 24 points, 3 boards, 3 steals, 1 assist

A career-high in your first “must win” Playoff game?  Baller.  After Derrick Rose struggled just a little in his 2nd game, it could be argued that Lee is now on top of the P.R.O.Y. standings.  However, the Magic may need even more out of young fella if they want to take this series.  Despite what may look like a comfortable margin of victory, they probably got a little lucky in this one.  They still did not look all that great, and if Philly had any type of 4th scorer (only 3 guys had more than 5 points), the Magic might be in a big hole.  Dwight Howard only 4-6 for 11 points?  Hmmm.

We May Have A Challenger Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups — 31 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

After a second consecutive dominating performance by the Chauncey-led Nuggets, have we found our Western Conference challenger to the Lakers?  As the Playoffs unfold, the Lake Show’s path is looking considerably tougher.

Thanks For The Memories Of The Night:

We love you Dik.  Dikembe Mutombo’s distinguished NBA career came to an end during Game 2 of the Houston/Portland series on Wednesday, and he will be missed.  Everyone is coming out with their favorite Dik stories and memories and here are a few of ours: one Christmas he sang various Christmas carols with a Santa hat on for the network broadcasting the Christmas Day games… the iconic image of him laying on ground clutching the ball after a first round playoff upset way back in his Denver days… the unmatched humanitarian work…

While we know he’ll have better stuff to do to keep himself busy, we would love it if he were given an honorary bench spot/cheerleader role for one Playoff team each year.

Orange plastic shirt court-side in A-T-L… With Josh Smith’s shove-down of Jamaal Magloire and the general chippiness in the Denver/N’Awlins series, we are getting closer and closer to our first automatic 1-game “leaving the bench” suspension of the ‘09 Playoffs… Thaddeous Young is on the verge of Revolutionary status — dude is niiiice… We’d pay to watch Andre Miller and Anthony Johnson fight for rebounds…  Wow, Mike Miller won R.O.Y.?  Maybe we’ve been around too long if we’re forgetting major awards like that taken down on our watch… Chauncey has the fast-break, left-handed, behind-the-back pass in his arsenal?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Ayo, why none of the L.O.N.’s ever have an intro?

We’ve heard the outcries.  “No All-Star coverage from L.O.N.?  What’s the dealie, dunn?”  We know, we know.  But on Sunday evening, as the All-Star Game commenced, disaster struck.  Devin Harris and Chris Bridges AKA Ludacris, who are actually the same person, converged upon the same location at the same time, causing a space/time continuum rift which resulted in the complete destruction of the L.O.N. offices.  No staffers were injured, but equipment was lost.  We’re back, but to recover, we underwent the complete Hamiltonization Process, plus about 18 more mixtapes your boy Charles Hamilton has dropped.  So without further ado, we present L.O.N. — HamiL.tO.N.ized.  It’s Charles HamiL.tO.N.

Line Of The Night A.K.A. Toy Story Of The Night:

Sebastian Telfair — 30 points, 8 assists, 1 board, 1 steal

That’s a career night.

“Unfair, hell yeah, I’m lookin’/At Brooklyn, I’m Telfair”, Charles Hamilton, “Toy Story”, Crash Landed

Brooklyn Girls Of The Night AKA The L Word Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 20 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Just know this — Charles has already made the move from Cleveland to the Big Apple.  Although the proposed Brooklyn move for the Nets may be dead, the idea was fun while it lasted.  The Brooklyn girls (and boys) are the real losers, since The King is probably gonna be balling out in 2010 regardless of his destination.

Sonic The Hamilton Of The Night AKA Near Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 18 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when the opposing team has a 2 guard (Spencer Hawes) masquerading as a center.

Crash Landed Of The Night AKA Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Dot-O — 76 points vs. Cleveland

Jay Triano:  “Shawn — you are supposed to help YOUR team’s offense, and defend the OTHER guys.”  Shawn:  “Oh, really?  Thought it was reversed in Canada.  You know, how the toilet spins the other way in Australia?”

The Raptors do like Charles said, and Stay On Their Level, in Shawn Marion’s debut.

Well Isn’t This Awkward Of The Night:

Welcome back, Tyson.  After failing his physical due to an old toe injury, the trade that would have sent Mr. Chandler to OKC to team with Kevin Durant and the boys was rescinded.  Ironically, OKC’s team doctor that made this ruling, was the same guy that originally performed the surgery on Chandler’s toe.  He hasn’t played recently due to an ankle injury, but if he can come back from that this season, the Hornets can still do some damage.  The seemingly unstoppable Chris Paul to Chandler oop combo is back in full effizzect.

Tyson had this to say, speaking to reporters in the Crescent City:

“Hated or not I am great and I’m about to get/Greater, hit the pager (Peja) like I play with Stojakovic”  (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Then he proceeded, staring directly at owner George Shinn as the word “traitor” dropped from his lips:

“Baby girl I’m ballin’/Kinda like the Lakers/If you a traitor like Shaq then see ya later, player” (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Not-So-Pleasant Overthinking Of The Night:

Amar’e Stoudemire — 42 points, 11 boards, 1 assist

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, guys, check this out.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, let’s slow it down and go hard on D.”  [Silence and the pall of death descend upon the Phoenix metropolitan area]

My Brain Is Alive Of The Night:

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, I think I figured it out, guys.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, I think we should just keep running.  It probably fits our personnel the best, even with the addition of Shaq.”  PHX 140, LAC 100.  PHX 142, LAC 119.

truth kills opposition (Love TKO) Of The Night:

“Sonic, my team is where the good Shawn Kemp is”, Charles Hamilton, “truth kills opposition (Love TKO)”, My Brain Is Alive

Damn, remember when it all made sense?  Back when Seattle had a team?  Now we got a another non-plural team with a jibbing an jiving bison mascot that can’t dunk?  That’s a love TKO.

Every D-Wade Ex-Girlfriend’s Worse Nightmare Of The Night:

This is on some straight personal life gossip type ish that we probably shouldn’t even be talking about, but damn, it fit the theme way too well.  Check track #10 titled Siohvaughn:  During their divorce proceedings, D-Wade’s wife first accused him of giving her a STD that he had supposedly contracted during an extra-marital affair.  Now that accusation has been retracted, and D-Wade is counter suing for defamation.  Based on this MVP-level output, he’s for sure on some ol’ “the court is my sanctuary” type ish with all this off-court drama swirling.

The Death Of The Mixtape Rapper Of The Night AKA The Death Of The Braided Baller Of The Night:

Like K.G. said (and Chris Rock originally, then Jay, don’t act like we don’t know), first the Fat Boys break up, then Allen Iverson cuts his hair, now Ben Wallace!  Now that ‘Froed Ben Pistons bobblehead’s value is about to shoot through the roof.  On top of the hair cut, Big Ben experienced another cut, requiring 14 stitches after crashing his arm through a car window while playing street football.  He had this to say:

“The window didn’t bleed. I don’t think it was made to bleed. That (he didn’t make the catch) was the biggest disappointment,” Wallace said. “I dropped the ball. That’s good D.”

AND the Clippers cut Cheikh Samb — another braider.

Staff Development Of The Night:

It is trading season and even though Chris Wilcox and Joe Smith remain in Oklahoma, some deals did go down:

Lakers get:

A conditional 2nd Round 2013 pick

Memphis gets:

Chris Mihm
Cash Considerations

Just before hanging up the phone, Mitch Kupchak said to Chris Wallace, “Now we’re all square on that Pau Gasol rape last year, right?”

Chicago gets:

Brad Mizzle
John Salmons

Sacramento gets:

Ike Diogu
Drew Gooden
Andres Nocioni

Portland gets:

Michael Ruffin

So Chicago traded some mediocre guys for some different but still mediocre guys and the accountants in Portland and Sacramento are apparently happier.  Moving on.

Intervention Of The Night:

When Zach Randolph “shoved” (we say punched) Louis Amundson Tuesday night, it seemed like simply another knucklehead move from a career knucklehead.  He is a Spartan, after all.  But hey, Zach defended his actions because Louis “almost kissed me in my mouth”, so all is forgiven, right?  Well, maybe not, but like Guru said, “Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge/You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of”.  Never have these words been truer, as upon hearing about his 2-game suspension, Randolph immediately left for Indianapolis to be with his ailing father.  Hold your head, Z-Bo.

Injuries Of The Night AKA Outside Looking Of The Night:

It seemed like guys were dropping like flies on Wednesday.  T-Mac announced his season will be lost to the dreaded microfracture procedure, Danny Granger played only 10 minutes against the Bobcats before hearing (and probably feeling) a “pop” in his foot, and Philly felt the injury bug too with Dre Miller succumbing to a calf injury.  But have no fear, Brian Scalabrine should be back in green Thursday night.

Wishbones, Horseshoes, and Basketball AKA NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“And I am the mic(Mike), ya’ll some Pippen mo’erfuckas”, “Supersonic’s First Freestyle”, Death Of The Mixtape Rapper
“But I’m Bobby at Knight, so I choke her for fun/Better yet Sprewell when I’m choking the coach”, “Ambitions Of Musicians”, Crash Landed
“Rap MJ and I got that Game 6 handle”, “I’m Good (Bret Hart)”, It’s Charles Hamilton
“I Jordan leap to the sky”, “Psycho Bitch”, Well Isn’t This Awkward

He’s Charles Hamilton.  The inspiration.


I Go Crazy AKA NBA Gametime Of The Night:

“You can’t stand him, the kid is Gary Payton/I’m in L.A. but now I’m gonna move”, Charles Hamilton, “DJ Reflex Power 106 Freestyle”, Crash Landed

“Don’t get too enthusiastic, curb it quick/Larry David to you Gary Paytons/You ain’t really work for yours, but I’m sure you’re happy waitin’”, Charles Hamilton, “Supersonicevents”, Sonic The Hamilton

Dang, that’s harsh!  Well, even if GP didn’t “work for his” in Miami.  He is definitely working for his now.  GP AND C-WEBB ON THEIR JABBAWOCKEE GRIZZLY??!!?!?!!  Ridic.

Mike Miller JUST misses Near Triple-Double status with a 9/9/7, and the 7 was points?!?!?!?!… The Chuckster back in the house tomorrow night.  But did they really rob us the viewing opportunity of another awkward and serious Ernie Johnson/Charles Barkley isolated stool interview?  Seems like that interview already happened.  Air it!  The people need an explanation!.. Hell hath no fury like an Alvin Gentry scorned… Zoolander on the move?  Wally Sizzur benched for Tarence Kinsey.  A healthy scratch, per se…

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 29 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks, 3 steals

Friday night D-Wade could not get it done in the 4th.  Saturday night he got EVERYTHING done.  We are talking near 5×5 glory.  The highlight of his performance was for sure the blocks.  Two of them came against 7-foot rook Brook Lopez, with the best being a mano e mano, straight up and down manhood test.  Even the usual stoic Wade could not contain himself after that one, stopping mid-play to mean mug the sideline.  When he balls out like this, and the second leading scorer is Yakhouba Diawara, it is hard to knock the MVP talk.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 14 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

About 6-7 years ago (ok, maybe even as few as three?), this man’s nickname in, umm, some circles was Gumby.  If we had told you back then he’d be the lone stalwart on a team hammered by injuries and suspension, or maybe if we had merely suggested he was still in the leg and not a convalescent home, you would have thought we were living in the Vortex of Crazy.  Well, welcome to Crazy Town — Ricky Davis welcomes you with open arms.

If only he could have managed 16 points, Mikey Dun-Dun’s Clips could have pulled out a win over the streaking Pistons.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 25 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal

And 1 loss vs. the Spurs on Saturday.  We were about to rant about the Other A.I. being regarded as less of a winner than even the other A.I.  Then we realized he is only 24, has a ridic game, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.  These gosh darn early entrants…

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs — 77 points. vs. The Wiz

Oh the irony.  DeShawn Stevenson doesn’t play, and his guys are able to knock off the over-rated LeBron James-led Cavs.  And also, LeBron… come on, playa.  Crab dribble?  That must Akron slang for 3 steps.

The worst part about all of this, with the Celtics falling on Sunday as well, is the raw and unadulterated Lakerness that will now be unleashed upon us all, as they now stand with the best record in the L.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Bonjour, Pau.  Je m’appelle Nicolas Batum.  I’m here to take your order.  Some crepes, perhaps?  Maybe les croissants?  Or how about this FRENCHIFIED EFFERVESCENCE ON YOUR KNOT!!!  PAU!!!!

Comeback Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 45 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Martin, still coming off the bench in his 3rd game back from injury, won the individual battle with Danny Granger (35 points) in a “Most Overlooked Star” shootout, but Granger’s Pacers took down the win.

Bring Back The Fist To Head Bump Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 2 minutes, 0 points, 0 blocks, 0 boards, 0 assists, 0 steals

In what bizarro world context does Darius Miles fit in on the Memphis Grizzlies roster?  In case you missed it, and you probably did, Miles got his first burn in a hot, hot minute on Sunday, playing the final minute plus in the Grizzlies surprise blowout of the visiting Mavs.  We love you D, and it’s a good look for you, but we are not sure what benefit Memphis gets out of this?  Of course, it could be that the organization has a grudge with Portland, who will be on the hook for the remaining 2 years and $18 million if Miles plays in 10 games.  And Busta Rhymes says:  “THERE’S ONLY 9 GAMES LEFT!!!!!!”

Mike Dunleavy Jr. broke out the Pacers-yellow sports coat.  Must have been a Christmas present from fellow Dookie Shane Battier, who has been rocking the Rocket-red coat all season, when injured… Just when we talk up the Bucks, they couldn’t complete the home-and-home sweep of the Bobcats, losing 102-92 in the second meeting… Speaking of back-to-backs, the Vinsanity could not be aroused on Saturday, as Vince missed a last second three, to tie, this time around… Beware the magic of Il Mago…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…

Forget the Olympics… forget perhaps the most-watched single game in international history… the NBA on NBC music is back!  Hot ish!

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 19 points, 2 assists, 2 steals

That’s 19 points on 100% shooting.  100%!  D-Wade follows up his star turn in the Olympic warm-ups with another brilliant performance, shooting a perfect 7-7 from the field and 5-5 from the free throw line.

Worst Of The Night:

The global domination of Nike’s laser etching.  It started out innocently enough, used in shoe designs for Kobe and LeBron, a few years back.  Eventually it even spread to the highest profile of Nike lines — Jordans.  Now?  Both Team USA and Team China featured the etching on their uniforms and warm-ups!  ENOUGH.  Dead it.

Star Of The Night:

LeBron James — 18 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal

We gave D-Wade and his cleanly shaved dome the L.O.N.nie, but the highlight reels for the game were supplied by LeBron.  This entire experience is looking like the coronation of King James as King Of The Basketball World, and he showed why in the team’s first game.  A TWO-HANDED BLOCK/CATCH?  A couple more spectacular blocks… alley-oop after alley-oop… LeBron is the face of the so-called Redeem Team and is anxious to eliminate “LeBronze” from his nickname portfolio.

Hometown Hero Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 13 points, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 1 assist

Yao Ming has the weight of billions on his shoulders, serving as the China’s face of these Olympic games.  He served as the flag-bearer during the Opening Ceremonies (off the chain, by the way) and provided one of the enduring moments of the entire Games, as he walked in with a little 9 year-old (making Yao look cartoonishly tall) that survived the recent tragic Sichuan Earthquake, saving two of his classmates in the process.  He’s the most famous athlete in the country leading an under-manned team in what may be the most popular sport in the country.  On top of that, he is fresh off a stress fractured foot that put his Olympics appearance in doubt.

And what?  Yao did not have a great statistical game against the U.S., but he and his mates put up a decent fight, and delighted the electric home crowd.  He came out of the gate firing, nailing a three, and attempting a Globetrotter-ish two-handed, over-the-head, no-look pass, early.  Yao was clearly fired up, showing perhaps more emotion than he has in his entire NBA career to date.  He stayed emotionally involved throughout, celebrating and supporting his teammates even as his country trailed big.  We praise him here, but he would tell you he is only performing his expected duty.

Presidential Ish, George Bush Of The Night:

In tune with his desire to take full advantage of all Presidential perks, G-Dub has been everywhere at the Olympics, including Team USA’s opening match-up against Team China.  He was seen in the hallway as part of the team huddle, looking clearly uncomfortable and out of his element, and then in the stands getting an Omega-1 Death Stare from First Lady Laura Bush.  His forte seems to be his rapport with any and all female athletes (tips from the preceding President, perhaps?).  He participated in a little beach volleyball with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, and then got a big kick out of waving to the women’s hoops squad.  World leadership at work.

Gold Medal In Advertising Of The Night:

The ad execs have brought their gold medal game to the Olympics so far and the basketball-specific ads have been especially top-notch.  Nike is airing a spot combining a couple classics that hope to an inspire a new classic.  In 1983, Marvin Gaye performed what is widely regarded as the greatest rendition of the Star Spangled Banner ever.  Clips of this performance are combined with shots of the USA basketball preparing for their gold medal run, and the iconic “Just Do It” tagline is shown at the end — great.

Coke came up with a concept centered around arguably the two largest figures in the game — Yao Ming and LeBron James.  They enter an arena as adversaries, attempting to one-up each other with national flavor after national flavor, before finally realizing that a common ground — sweet and delicious Coke — can bring them together.  Gold medals all-around.

Doug Collins saying slippage over-and-over again makes us uncomfortable… Who invited Craig Sager, and who let him wear “normal” clothes?… Thanks for another screw-up Time Warner.  The Los Angeles-area Time Warner service does NOT feature the NBC Basketball Channel which is airing EVERY Olympic basketball game.  Thanks again… Meeelllloooo not even close to his goal of 10 boards, only bringing down 4…. Deron Williams looking like Common during the Opening Ceremonies, with the beard and the hat… Tayshaun looked truly amazed walking into the Bird’s Nest… Manu looked 10 years younger during the O.C., and then 10 years OLDER after Argentina lost it’s first game in a battle vs. Lithuania…

Another outstanding All-Star Weekend — L.O.N.’s favorite time of year.  We hate to see it end.

Line Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 1 All-Star Game MVP Award

2 All-Star Game MVP awards at the age of 23?  Sick.  Ray Allen made a huge push for this award, going crazy from 3 in the 4th quarter to end up with 28 points.  However, in the final minute with the game’s outcome in the balance, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST happened!  LeBron served some delicious sauerkraut right in Dirk’s Mouth!  Wow.  Nowitzki is so worthless… step up!

Worst Of The Night:

This is a tie between Mr. Cryant and Reggie Miller.  Kobe hit us with a quick strike of awfulness, while Reggie Miller waged a long, hard-fought, campaign!  The Mailroom Supervisor sums up our Reggie feelings, a little later on.  As for Kobe, thanks for uselessly taking up a roster spot to play only 3 minutes with your stupid, messed up finger.  In one of the deepest potential All-Star classes in memory, Kobe had to waste a roster spot and make it all about him, parading around answering questions about his injury and gleefully showcasing his wrapped hand on the bench.

Boooooooooooooo-riiiiiiiiing Of The Night:

How boring were the marginal West selections?  When you’re practically forced to take Yao Ming, Tim Duncan and Nowitzki each year on the roster, you are already starting a little high on boring All-Stars meter.  Outstanding players (well, not Dirk, ha!), but just not fun guys to have in the All-Star game — Yao’s three’s and Duncan’s jokes (and three’s as well) notwithstanding.  So when you’re starting with that kind of disadvantage, can you please not force us to stomach Carlos Boozer, David West and Brandon Roy (that no-way-in-hell oop he attempted is Exhibit A)?  Come on.  Give us Boom Dizzle, Manu Ginobili, and Deron Williams!  Free Stephen Jackson.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The NIght:

Chris Paul for being “a home team hero and not throwing up despite his nerves and being super-cute”

Runner-up for H.O.N.nie?  Ernie Johnson — for “having to deal with Charles Barkley and for saying ’spanked’ on national television”.

The MRSV’s N.O.T.tie Of The Night

Straight from the MRSV:  “Shut up, already, Reggie!  Not only are you ugly, but your voice sucks and your brain is stupid.”

Yikes.  We can’t argue with that.

Fashion Review Of The Night:

TNT did a particularly poor job of celebrity spotting and player shoe coverage, but we scoped what we could.

We loved the uniforms and the warm-ups, especially the West’s.  A lot of people were hating on the double-sided unis, but we were feeling ‘em.  Our favorite detail were the logos of past All-Star weekends on player’s warm-ups who had been on multiple teams.

Magic Johnson had on a nice gray and purple (the color of the weekend, it seemed) suit/tie combo.  His problem is that he’s getting a little too big for any suit to look right on him.

Harry Connick, Jr. really wanted to stand out, as he rocked neon-brown (yes, neon-brown!  At least when contrasted by his all black suit/shirt/tie) dress shoes.  Special All-Star editions, perhaps?  Were they stitched with H-Conn-JR?

Just in case a picnic broke out, assistant coach Darrell Walker was prepared, dipped out in an orange and blue table cloth.

On the court, Carmelo had a whole lot of leg stuff going on: red socks, white calf covers, and various other stuff.

As we mentioned, shoe coverage was minimal.  A big deal was made of Chris Paul’s dual-allegiance, though.  In the first half he wore the new Jordan XXIII’s (as did Melo), while in the second half he switched to his first signature shoe, which bore tributes to his deceased grandfather as well as his college coach, Skip Prosser.

Craig Sager also interviewed Steve Nash about his dogs, which were covered in shoes made from 100% recycled material.  However, the highlight of that exchange was Nash snatching Sager’s handkerchief, blowing his nose in it, and placing it back in Craig’s suit pocket!  Boom.

We also noticed LeBron, in an All-Star edition of his signature line, colored blue and gray like the East unis, as well as Iditarod with shiny gold feet.  No word if those meet official Iditarod racing specifications.

Non-MVP, MVP Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 16 points, 14 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards

The MVP winner almost always hinges on the outcome of the game, and this year’s award was no different.  If the West had come all the way back, hometown hero Chris Paul would have been the man.  He took over in the 4th, just like he does back on his Hornets squad.  It’s a beautiful thing when a point guard dominates a game.  It’s like he’s a puppet master controlling each of the other 9 guys on the court.  His size and abilities are similar to what might happen if you took Allen Iverson’s body, cut off half his brain, and put half of Steve Nash’s brain in.  Steven Ivasherson.  l Get used to this dude runnin’ thangs in mid-February for years to come.

Big Men Shooting 3’s Of The Night:

It’s become a time-honored All-Star tradition; big men, finally unbridled, step out for an attempt at a little 3-point glory.  There was more glory than usual this year, as Yao (0-2), Amare (1-2), Duncan (0-1, and he had another, just toeing the line that he banked in ON PURPOSE), and Rasheed Wallace (1-5, mostly left-handed!) were all in the mix.  Commentator Doug Collins even joked about it, suggesting coach Byron Scott was inserting Yao back into the lineup for his needed 3-point touch.  The moral of the story (word to Saigon) though?  ‘Sheed’s left-handed long-range gun is more potent than almost every other big man shooting with their strong hand!

D-Wade Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

At one point, after a Wade miscue, the L.O.N. C.E.O. jokingly said that D-Wade is “over-the-hill”, but actually, had some of the more entertaining highlights on the night.  First, he took Big Dirk to the hole, bringing back memories of the Heat/Mavs Finals.  Then, in the third quarter, he came with the Jordanesque, back-to-the-basket, wrist-slap, over-head-flip-shot, and-1!  Beautiful.  Finally, he sealed the game by STUFFING Big Dirk at the 3-point line!  Jeez… Big Dirk gets absolutely and consistently abused when surrounded by great players.

David West the only player to have his name on the front AND back of this jersey.  WEST on WEST, FOOLS!  It almost makes us want another Westside Connection album, just so they can all rock that jersey in the video…  TNT’s new backboard stat pop-out is weird and unnecessary, but we like it… Steve Nash needs to shoot more in the regular season games… Jason Kidd guarded Dirk at one point.  Oh the intrigue!… Nashty assists a Dirk turnaround.  Oh the memories!… Is Nash going to develop a jealous rage against Kidd?  Or LeBron vs. Dirk?  This week, on “As The Aging Unloaded Star Turns”… Stop calling fouls, refs!… The Nash/Paul back court was AWESOME… Gotta love the triple-alley-oop, featured as #3 in this countdown… Amare served Dwight Howard some scrumptious breakfast.  #2 in that same video…

Line Of The Night AKA Dunk Contest Blow-By-Blow Of The Night:

It’s all about the dunk contest, ya’ll.  This year’s edition was one of the most overall entertaining contests ever.  Every contestant brought something nice to the competition, and Dwight Howard and Gerald Green had truly unforgettable performances.  Almost all of the dunks deserve discussion, and discussion they’ll get.  Here’s a blow-by-blow recap.

Jamario Moon, 1st Attempt, 46, L.O.N. score — 9:

Moon went with the self-toss alley-oop, and it is nasty.  After the bounce, he 360s (only about 180 in the air), reaches waaaaaay back with one arm, and finishes it strong.  It is not as good as when Fred Jones did the same thing a few years back, but it is impressive.  He needed to do something to get the crowd involved more, though.  It’s like everybody was still asleep.  Overall a strong start from Moon.

Rudy Gay, 1st Attempt, 37, 7:

Gay came baseline, did a two-handed cradle into a left-handed dunk.  Nice dunk?  Sure.  But we’ve seen it before, and he does nothing to build any excitement.  A lot of the talking heads stated that Gay is more of “game dunker” and he might have trouble in this contest.  Looks like they were right.

Dwight Howard, 1st Attempt, 50, 10!!!:

Uh-oh.  He’s going to the other end… what’s happening?  What’s he gonna do?  He’s walking around… he’s inspecting… the anticipation is building.  OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  From out-of-bounds, behind the backboard, he throws it off the board, keeps his head behind, and windmills it in?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!!!  Creativity and an unmatched combination of jumping ability and height.  Ya’ll (Gay, Moon, Green) are in trouble!

Gerald Green, 1st Attempt, 46, 10!!!!!!!!:

Green announced prior to the show that his first dunk would be the “Birthday Cake”.  Another smart move, building anticipation.  He’s got his teammate Rashad McCants up on a ladder, with a birthday cake… what in the world?  Rashad’s lighting a candle on the cake!  He’s gonna blow it out!  McCants bounces the ball to him… he grabs the ball two-handed… OHHHHH!!!!!  HE BLEW IT OUT!!!  HE BLEW OUT THE CANDLE THEN DUNKED TWO-HANDED!!  THAT’S THE HOTTEST DUNK EVER!!!!!   The judges only give him a 46?

You gotta see the instant replay to fully appreciate this one.  TNT has a camera right behind the board which clearly shows  Green blowing out the candle before slamming it home.  That is awesome.  But without replay, the judges don’t really get it.  This is like last year, when Howard’s “sticker dunk” was not fully appreciated live.  It’s time to give the judges monitors.  Cats these days are capable of stuff that cannot be fully comprehended by the naked eye alone.

Rudy Gay, 2nd Attempt, 48, 9:

Why is Rudy going?  Isn’t it Jamario’s turn?  He’s got teammate Kyle Lowry (uh-oh… showing preference over Mike Conley?  Tabloid drama!) out there to help.  A practice toss against the back stanchion… these things are great for anticipation.  Lowry bounces it off the stanchion and Gay windmills it.  Nice.  Way better than his first dunk, but a bit derivative compared to D-Ho’s dunk.  He is just a victim of bad timing.  It probably would have been more well received had he done this first.  But he still manages a 48 for the second best score so far!

Jamario Moon, 2nd Attempt, 44, 8:

Hmm… Moon is putting down a tape marker, two feet behind the free throw line.  If he can complete this… oh my.  He has teammate Jason Kapono out there as well, so it must be an oop.  Nah, after the first failed attempt it appears this ain’t gonna work.  Kapono is bouncing it too him, so there’s a whole lot of timing that has be perfect.  Well he got it, but he stepped WAY inside the line.  He completed it one-handed off the bounce.  Magic Johnson is right — he should not have set expectations so high by putting down the tape.

Gerald Green, 2nd Attempt, 45, 9:

What in the world… Green is back with the ladder, but this time it is pulled out further on the court.  McCants is back out there as well, and is climbing up to the top.  He does NOT look comfortable up there and he even is doing the sign of the cross!  Comedy.  He is holding the ball out with one hand… he lofts it straight up above the basket… Green takes off, catches, and a NASTY windmill!  That dude is SO high!  No exaggeration when we say his head is above the rim.  He is the official windmill king of the world at this point.

Dwight Howard, 2nd Attempt, 50, 9:

Dwight is coming out on the court with teammate Jameer Nelson.  He’s putting tape down… a Magic dancer brings out something red.. Nelson grabs it… is it a cape?  It is!  Did the L.O.N. Unpaid Intern get in his ear?  He had been raving about capes in dunk contests, earlier this weekend.  D-Ho takes his jersey off to reveal a Superman costume!  Nelson puts the cape on him!  The crowd goes wild!  This is gonna win it off principal.  Jameer throws it from behind the board, Howard takes off from what appears to be the planet Krypton… he grabs it… he’s flying!!!!  He throws it down!!!  Kenny Smith has absolutely lost his damn mind!!!!!  They are playing the Superman music in the background!!!  Absolutely amazing!

Wow.  On the replay though, it shows that he did not really dunk it.  His hand ended up a foot away from the basket, and he had to throw the ball in.  So it’s not even really a dunk.  But the way he captured the imagination of everyone in the arena, no one even cares.  Now this is a situation where replay might have hurt his score.  Although it is absurd to see him flying through the air like that.  The slept on part of this dunk is Nelson’s pass from BEHIND THE BACKBOARD.  Perhaps the key to this hole thing is that he nailed it on the first attempt.

Gerald Green, Final Round, 1st Attempt, 9:

At this point, Dwight Howard has complete control of the crowd.  Green is going to have to do something extremely special to pull this out.  There is no more court side judging, as the fans will pick the winner from here.  He pulled his pants up way high, so maybe he’s doing “The Nerd Dunk”?  McCants is out there again too… do these guys do anything separately?  Seems like the two of them together, off the court, is a recipe for trouble!  Looks like he’s attempting a pass over the backboard, catch off the bounce, between the legs… that’s a whole lotta stuff going on.  DAMN, that is nice!  Like Kenny said, though, a lot of people have gone through the legs.  Green added a new twist to it though, off the pass… and he is so high!

Dwight Howard, Final Round, 1st Attempt, 10:

No props, just Howard this time.  He’s throwing the self-oop… he catches off the ground… what the hell did he just do?  OHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  Off the bounce, he tapped it off the board with his left hand, then RE-CAUGHT IT with this right, THEN dunked it home!  So sick.  So, so sick.  Now THAT was his best dunk.  No gimmicks, no pass from another guy, just raw creativity using the ball and the basket.  And he made it look so easy!  That is hard as hell to do.  The competition is his.

Gerald Green, Final Round, 2nd Attempt, 9:

He pretty much cannot win at this point, but let’s see what he’s got.  Ha, he just took his shoes off, autographed them, and put them on the judges’ table!  Comedy.  He goes up for the bare-footed, through the legs windmill.  Nice, but he just can’t touch Howard’s showmanship.  As Dr. J notes later, people underestimate the difficulty of dunking without shoes.  We agree, but he probably needed to pick a different type of dunk, since he had already done that one.  It’s interesting that last year, when Green won, people did not quite understand Howard’s dunks.  Maybe that situation is reversed this year.

Dwight Howard, Final Round, 2nd Attempt, 10:

Let’s finish it up nice, big fella.  He’s bringing out the props again… and here comes that ladder!  The NBA missed out on a sponsorship opportunity with the latter.  Jameer has a mini-hoop, and he’s putting it on the board.  Is he gonna dunk two balls, one small, one big?  Is he putting it up at twelve feet since they wouldn’t let him raise the rim?  No… the mini-hoop is down on the corner of the board, and a real ball has been placed ON TOP of it.   OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  He grabs it off the one hoop, and windmills it in!  That dude is sick.  Wow.  The combo of physicality and athleticism is unbelievable.  Congratulations, Dwight.  You captured the crowd right from the beginning and put on an unforgettable show.  Lovely.

Worst Of The Night:

Rod Benson, D-League All-Star, straight outta North Dakota, received the ball on the break, with nothing at all between him and All-Star glory, and maybe even a 10-day NBA contract.  He sizes up the rim, takes two steps and… ugh.  He tried the impossible task of dunking while BELOW the rim!  The rim wins every time.  Uh-oh… you don’t want to go out like that in the All-Star game!

Guinness Book Of World Records Of The Night:

The Guinness Records are doing their best to get their name back out there in the public spotlight.  After being featured in an episode of Rob & Big, Guinness made it’s next move at the All-Star game.  During Saturday’s open practices, several players tried to hit as many half court shots as possible in one minute.  The East’s practice was first, with LeBron and Jason Kidd setting the record at 3 in a minute.  The amazing part about Kidd’s shots, though, were that he shot most with one hand, under-handed, like a bowler!  And they were right at the rim.  Ay-yo, that Kidd is niiiiiiiice.  Because his form did not get him out of position, he also was able to get off considerably more attempts.  Kidd maybe should win on level of difficulty merits, but at the end of the day, following the West’s practice, Chris Paul was the holder of the record, with 4 in a minute.  Gotta love All-Star practice!

Fashion Review Of The Night:

Last night we were feeling LeBron’s outfit, but he lost us Saturday night.  He had on some sort of half-trench coat, with extra collar, looking like a spy.  Our man Russ Bengston saw the same thing, calling him Inspector Gadget!  At least he kept it interesting.  His serious MVP competition, Kobe, was pure boring, with a black shirt/gray coat combo.  Joining these guys on the worst list was another guy at the top of his respective field, Mark Cuban.  Cuban, albeit dressed up from his usual t-shirt, was looking as raggedy as ever in a frat boy-esque collared, but not button-up, shirt.  You know, one of those Abercrombie-type joints, where the collar stays wrinkled?  He should have just stayed true in a tee.  And he had on a headset… not sure what he was broadcasting (turns out he was on some sort of German All-Star broadcast).

The flashiest cats of the night — and you’re not going to believe this — were Damon Jones and Terrell Owens.  Of course.  Jones had the Mohawk and a burgundy velour suit, while T.O. had the extra-Hollywood, black t with silver shine, accompanied by the sleek black sunglasses, and a bunch of other shine, seemingly coming from everywhere.  That little girl on the tv would tell you, “It’s the mirrors”.

We had two favorites, each coming with vastly different styles.  First, was Amare Stoudemire, who went with the new age, Hipster/Hip-Hop/Hollywood/Rock Star/Disco/Hell mix.  He had a military-type coat with rhinestones, accompanied by the super-thick dookie gold chain!  Awesome.  On the complete other end of the spectrum was Caron Butler.  Tough Juice kept it smooth, opting for a peachy/tan suit with a red pocket handkerchief for a nice contrast.  But where was the obligatory McDonald’s straw?

We also liked what the always well-dressed Dwyane Wade had going, especially the Mailroom Supervisor…

The MRSV’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

D-Wade for: “looking hot in the green leather jacket” and “taking his shirt off for the ladies’ enjoyment before shooting his Guinness half court shots.”

At first glance, we thought we were seeing the Black Fonz, as Wade went with a simple leather jacket, white tee and jeans combo.  But then we realized he had updated the flavor a little, with the green jacket.  And no comment about the second aspect of this.

Three-Point Shootout Of The Night:

Coming in, this field looked absolutely stacked.  However, disappointingly, despite a great individual performance, as a group, this was far from a memorable showing.  Perhaps we should have been aware of impending doom right away, when we saw Rip Hamilton come out with a flaming fire elbow sleeve.  Corny!  It definitely did not help, as Rip could not even stay behind the line and ended up with a low score.  That set the tone for much of the first round, as Steve Nash could not even break double-digits and hometown hero Peja Stojakovic put up a surprisingly bad performance.  Even Dirk barely skated into the 2nd round, shooting with cartoonish arc on his shot.  Boobie Gibson tried to keep his hot rookie shooting display, and was also able to make it past round 1, but in the end, it was a one-man show.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the man, the myth, the legend, Jason Kapono, was untouchable on the night.  He had the high score in each round, and tied Craig Hodges’ all-time single round record of 25.  En fuego.

Probably the highlight of this competition came from the announcing table. First, Kevin Harlan asked Charles and Kenny if they saw Boobie Gibson in the Rookie Game… and they were CALLING that game!  They got him good for that mis-step.  Then, Reggie Miller referred to something on the court as the “titty”, and all hell broke loose, with Charles saying all types of stuff that must’ve had TNT execs cringing.

Shooting Stars Of The Night:

We make no apologies.  We like any and all competitions held on All-Star Weekend, including the much-maligned Shooting Stars.  You can hate us now… but we won’t stop now.

The defending champs, the Detroit team featuring Chauncey, Swin and Laimbeer, looked smug from the get green, and it showed in their debacle of a performance.  Swin couldn’t hit, and then Bill Laimbeer killed a fan when he missed the entire world with his half court shot.  NASA is still tracking that, um, bad boy.  Immediately after, no joke, rumors broke that Swin Cash is being traded to the Seattle Storm!  Yikes.  The WNBA mos def takes this seriously.  The Phoenix team was so awful, all we remember is Eddie Johnson shooting out of turn and Reggie Miller yelling nonsensically about it.

The Bulls team came out with some possible controversy.  Native Louisianan Chris Duhon was looking salty as hell during introductions, while teammates B.J. Armstrong AKA The Original Boobie Gibson and Candice Dupree were looking downright cozy.  Hmm… love triangle of Dawson/Pacey/Joey proportions?  Or are we talking Lucas/Brooke/Peyton/  Anyway… as far as the competition goes, it looked like they had a good number going, but they absolutely fell apart when it came to the half court shot.

The half court shot was the least of San Antone and David Robinson’s worries.  Despite his body looking like he was just on a 3 day break from the season like the rest of the fellas, he took a katrillion shots for him to hit the first lay-up type shot!  Damn awkward lefty.  He nailed the half court shot right away, though, keeping San Antonio in it.

The final round, featuring The Chi vs. Remember The, came down to pretty much the same story.  The Bulls put up a nice number, but then completely fell apart from half court, allowing the Twin Towers + Becky Hammon to triumph.  That’s what champs do.

Skills Challenge Of The Night:

This year’s point guard Skills Challenge featured 3 young guns — Chris Paul, Deron Williams and Dwyane Wade — and an old head, in Jason Kidd.  Kidd screwed up on the jump shot — the graveyard of many a Skills Challenge competitor — while defending champ D-Wade blew it even earlier than that.  He dribbled off his foot into the crowd, almost before the whistle even blew.  Then, he couldn’t hit the J either, and in fact, just threw up quick hopeless shots, just to get by that area.  To complete the microcosm of his Heat squad’s season, he couldn’t even hit the layup at the end!

It came down to the two point guards that are continuously linked, Williams and Paul.  They had the course almost perfected, and in the second round, Williams DID perfect it, setting the all-time record.  It must have been all that PS3 practice he got in earlier that morning.  Paul noticeably picked up his pace in an effort to re-set it, but a missed J got him.  Advantage Williams, in the “best young point” argument.  Is there any more definitive evidence than this?

D-League All-Star Game Of The Night:

L.O.N. saw this game live last year, and when in attendance, it felt like some sort of rec league game in a random gym in Anywere, U.S.A.  Seeing it broadcast live on NBA TV, with Ian Eagle handling play-by-play duties, definitely made it feel much more official.  Not sure if the attendees would agree, though.  This game is also has the least exhibition feel of the all the weekend’s events.  These cats want to make the L, and scouts are in attendance.  It’s a mix of prospects (the Spurs have a good one in Frenchman Ian Mahinmi), sure things just warming up (Morris Almond), niche players just biding their time (Andre Barrett and Eddie Gill) and old heads that just can’t give up their love for the game (Randy Livingston).  So aside from a couple EMPHATIC Kaniel Dickens finishes, and a Mahinmi alley-oop early, there was a lot of solid, fundamental basketball played.  It’s probably a good thing the game generally stayed vanilla, because the few times players tried to show-out a little, the results were not pleasant.

D-League MVP Of The Night:

Jeremy Richardson — 22 points, 4 boards, 1 steal

Other than All-Star teammate and 1st round pick Morris Almond, Richardson might be the best NBA prospect-type out there.  Dude is a scorer.  His J looked good in spurts — a streak shooter for sure — but he has the athleticism to get to the rack.  Probably needs to work on that handle and those muscles, though, if he wants a permanent NBA spot.

It’s Only A Matter Of Time Of The Night:

Morris Almond — 20 points on 8-10 shooting, 3 boards, 1 steal

The jumper is so pure.  When the Jazz do decide to bring him up, he certainly won’t lack confidence.  He’s dropped 53 in a D-League game this year, and now scored 20 against the league’s best.  When you think about how similar his game is to J.J. Redick’s, it’s interesting to consider their divergent paths.  Redick has been forced to languish on the Orlando Magic’s bench, while Almond has received serious run in the minors.  Time will tell if one way works better than the other.

Other D-League Highlights Of The Night:

We’ve always loved Randy Livingston, and he’s serving as a consummate pro and mentor in the D-League.  The reason he can’t play in the NBA at this point, though, was obvious, when 6′10″ Jelani McCoy was able to lock him up on the perimeter!  The knees just can’t get it done, at this point… A few solid big men that could see a future NBA roster:  Lance Allred, winner of the H.O.R.S.E. competition (which seemed maybe a little too boring to ever make the big show) and Elton Brown, an under-sized beast in the post… Sean Banks showed some decent moves out there and we have firsthand knowledge that he also has some nice moves on the poker table.  If you see him at Hollywood Park, watch out.  He just wants to get a 10-day NBA contract so he can get in some of those NBA poker games!… Billy Thomas does a weird, quick, hand-jerk-back after everything — shots, passes, steal attempts — bizarre… Andre Barret just jitter-buggin’ out there… It wouldn’t be a D-League All-Star squad without a Powell.  Word to Kasib and Carlos…

Trade Of The Night:

Atlanta gets:

Mike Bibby, PG

Sacramento gets:

Anthony Johnson, PG
Tyronn Lue, PG
Shelden Williams, PF
Lorenzen Wright, C
2008 2nd Round Pick

Atlanta was forced by League Offices to complete this trade while everyone was paying attention to the All-Star festivities, otherwise people around the globe would have suffered instant heart attacks and/or strokes!  The Hawks as contenders?  Making moves?  They are supposed to be the team taking BACK the future picks and contracts.  It’s a new day.  And they FINALLY have a point guard… possibly the first since Spud Webb and Doc Rivers roamed the city.  This gives them a sick lineup, including one of the best back courts anywhere, and they don’t give up much, as far as current contributors.  Johnson and Lue played before this deal, but would not have been necessary with Bibby around.  This should all but cement a playoff spot for the ATLiens.  Oh yeah… and it’s phenomenal that they managed to recover something legit from one of the worst top 5 picks in history — Shelden Williams.

Sacramento is just trying to restructure and rebuild.  They get rid of Bibby’s large deal, and gain flexibility in 3 expiring contracts.  Besides, they were probably playing better this year before Bibby came back from injury, and Beno Udrih was running things.  This might not be the last you hear out of Sactown in the coming week, as Ron Artest’s name has also been mentioned in possible deals.

The Vernon Maxwell rumor is wild.  The 42 year-old, who has not played since 2001, never had his rights renounced by the Mavs, and has been mentioned as a possibility in the potential Jason Kidd deal!  Madness… T.J. Kidd exploding back on the scene!  God save us…  It’s looking like Gerald Green may need to join Drew Gooden’s All-Airhead Team…  We did not love it, but the NBA at least improved a little in their music selection, going with the New Orleans jazz theme.  Usually they are completely clueless, but Broussard had us jamming… By the end of the night, we were feeling the CGI-ed woman things TNT was using as graphics… Stay classy, Dr. J… Darrell Dawkins is a wild boy… Brent Petway wins the D-League dunk contest.  Air Georgia!!!