L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMONline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

Is it all over?  Do we call the next 6-10 years, with a retirement sprinkled in here or there, and hand the title to LeBron and [fill in whatever team he is on]?  Are the days of legitimately not really knowing who is going to win the title when we get to the playoffs over?  Are we back on the Jordan/Hakeem/Shobe time line?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Charlotte Bobcats

‘Sheed Wallace is called for a faker than Rick Ross offensive foul.  He amazingly avoids the assumed tech, but the Bobcats get the ball with the score tied, nonetheless.  Raymond Felton gets the rock, preparing for the final shot with his signature herky-jerk, bow-legged gate.  Swop.  Game.  Felton runs down the court, screaming indignantly, daringly, to anyone that will listen… Trade ME!??!?!?!  TRAAAAADE ME!!!!

But in all honestly, reports are that defensive performance came as a result of Larry Brown, in practice, shouting, with an autotuner: “Find your man and rotate, find your man and rotate/’Cause the vagabond is back, I said the vagabond is back”.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“I’m next on the table, who want whut?/I am champ-i-on, at beer pong/Allen I-ver-soon, Hakeem O-la-ju-won”, Asher Roth, “College”

A whiteboy rapping about college over a guitar-based based?  Sounds like a recipe for disaster… until you throw in Iverson and Olajuwon references.  Asher Roth pulls it off, and the catchiness is undeniable.  It will be literally impossible to spend any time in a college frat house this semester and not here this song.  Now, trust, A.I. and the Dream will be there too.  If it really makes you feel better, throw the Jones version on, instead.  Hmmm, maybe we didn’t help ourselves with that last suggestion.

Back In The Day Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 13 points, 1 head bump

Offense, and only offense, but he managed a dunk that led to the infamous head tap!  D-Miles?  Q-Rich?  L-Eezy?  It was all good just a week ago.  And Portland — THERE’S ONLY 1 GAME LEFT!!!

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq has blessed us with his latest nickname: now calls himself Shaq-ovic “because if you go around the league anybody with the last name ‘vic’ is a great shooter.”

This was after he claimed to finally find the cure to his free throw ills (he went 12-12 over the course of two games).  Of course last night, he came back to America (from Eastern Europe) a little with a 6-11 performance from the stripe.  No complaints here though.  Whatever keeps you happy and talking, big fella.  Our favorite Shaq story of the year though, is Steve Kerr’s account that the Diesel often goes to Wal-Mart following home games, picks up some items… and anyone else’s bill that happens to be standing in line!  Awesome.  We don’t support Wal-Mart, but that’s still great.

Studio Show Of The Night:

Put it on the board.  With the Chuckster out for awhile following his most recent run-in with another personal vice, it’s NBA GameNight time.  C-Webb and Gary Paytonare everything Kenny and Chuck USED to be.  They completely wile out.  They are still connected enough with current players that they really have some inside ish and relationships, so when C-Webb throws somebody under the bus — we’re looking at you, Coach O’Brien — it rings true.  And did we mention they really just wile out?  Gary Payton on the fake cover of Cat Lovers magazine?  Love it.  And yeah, Ahmad gets zero credit.

Eddy Curry.  We only PRAY that he hadn’t put on all this new weight at the time he was running around naked.  But really not a pretty sight, either way…  Because the superthug is back.  IS BACK.  The superthug is back… Minnesota finally loses, but Randy Foye stayed hot, dropping 29/8 asts./5 rebs./1 stl.  The awakening… And that was the only coaching change that did anything, right?  The Kings’ certainly did not work, unless they were looking to give up 139 points, including 23-37 3-point shooting!  That’s a record, Orlando…

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 29 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks, 3 steals

Friday night D-Wade could not get it done in the 4th.  Saturday night he got EVERYTHING done.  We are talking near 5×5 glory.  The highlight of his performance was for sure the blocks.  Two of them came against 7-foot rook Brook Lopez, with the best being a mano e mano, straight up and down manhood test.  Even the usual stoic Wade could not contain himself after that one, stopping mid-play to mean mug the sideline.  When he balls out like this, and the second leading scorer is Yakhouba Diawara, it is hard to knock the MVP talk.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 14 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

About 6-7 years ago (ok, maybe even as few as three?), this man’s nickname in, umm, some circles was Gumby.  If we had told you back then he’d be the lone stalwart on a team hammered by injuries and suspension, or maybe if we had merely suggested he was still in the leg and not a convalescent home, you would have thought we were living in the Vortex of Crazy.  Well, welcome to Crazy Town — Ricky Davis welcomes you with open arms.

If only he could have managed 16 points, Mikey Dun-Dun’s Clips could have pulled out a win over the streaking Pistons.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 25 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal

And 1 loss vs. the Spurs on Saturday.  We were about to rant about the Other A.I. being regarded as less of a winner than even the other A.I.  Then we realized he is only 24, has a ridic game, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.  These gosh darn early entrants…

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs — 77 points. vs. The Wiz

Oh the irony.  DeShawn Stevenson doesn’t play, and his guys are able to knock off the over-rated LeBron James-led Cavs.  And also, LeBron… come on, playa.  Crab dribble?  That must Akron slang for 3 steps.

The worst part about all of this, with the Celtics falling on Sunday as well, is the raw and unadulterated Lakerness that will now be unleashed upon us all, as they now stand with the best record in the L.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Bonjour, Pau.  Je m’appelle Nicolas Batum.  I’m here to take your order.  Some crepes, perhaps?  Maybe les croissants?  Or how about this FRENCHIFIED EFFERVESCENCE ON YOUR KNOT!!!  PAU!!!!

Comeback Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 45 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Martin, still coming off the bench in his 3rd game back from injury, won the individual battle with Danny Granger (35 points) in a “Most Overlooked Star” shootout, but Granger’s Pacers took down the win.

Bring Back The Fist To Head Bump Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 2 minutes, 0 points, 0 blocks, 0 boards, 0 assists, 0 steals

In what bizarro world context does Darius Miles fit in on the Memphis Grizzlies roster?  In case you missed it, and you probably did, Miles got his first burn in a hot, hot minute on Sunday, playing the final minute plus in the Grizzlies surprise blowout of the visiting Mavs.  We love you D, and it’s a good look for you, but we are not sure what benefit Memphis gets out of this?  Of course, it could be that the organization has a grudge with Portland, who will be on the hook for the remaining 2 years and $18 million if Miles plays in 10 games.  And Busta Rhymes says:  “THERE’S ONLY 9 GAMES LEFT!!!!!!”

Mike Dunleavy Jr. broke out the Pacers-yellow sports coat.  Must have been a Christmas present from fellow Dookie Shane Battier, who has been rocking the Rocket-red coat all season, when injured… Just when we talk up the Bucks, they couldn’t complete the home-and-home sweep of the Bobcats, losing 102-92 in the second meeting… Speaking of back-to-backs, the Vinsanity could not be aroused on Saturday, as Vince missed a last second three, to tie, this time around… Beware the magic of Il Mago…