L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline

Line Of The Night AKA Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 10 boards, 8 assists

And two mismatched shoes (1 retro Cav Orange, 1 retro Cav Blue).  As the Kobe v. LeBron debate rages on… guess we know one thing The King can do that the Mamba cannot — win in the Rose Garden!  Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Kobe Defenders, stand up!

Ice Cube Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 22 points, 13 assists, 10 boards, 4 steals

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnn-dooooo!

Near Beast Of The Night AKA Career-High Of The Night:

Andrew Bynum — 18 boards (career-high), 17 points, 3 blocks

He really should have grabbed 18 boards at some point before this, right?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Milwaukee Bucks — 77 points vs. the Lakers

Michael Redd hears a pop in his knee after only 12 minutes and 0 points scored.  Brandon Jennings scores 10 points to lead all starters… and that’s more than the ENTIRE TEAM scored in the 1st quarter.  A wonderful recipe for contraction.  Not to mention the Lakers’ Bynum and Lamar Odom severely limited offensive rebound availability with their board work.

NBA Fit Of The Night:

‘Sheed Wallace — 29 points, 8 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

There have been lots of complaints about ‘Sheed’s conditioning so far this season.  He has been starting for K.G. (out to rest his knee) lately and bottomed out on Friday in a loss to Hawks in which he shot 5-15.  Now maybe he has turned the corner?  He led the C’s in scoring in what was far and away his best game in the Celtic green.  Is an “NBA Fit” ‘Sheed the silver-lining of K.G.’s injury?

Season Debut Of The Night:

Ian Mahinmi — 15 points, 9 boards, 1 block, 1 assist

The man, the myth, the legend.  Ian in the building.  Another diamond in the rough found and polished up by the Spurs, or just a 1 night Nyets-inspired fluke?  The Spurs can still use all the help they can get at their revolving door labeled “PF”.

We are trying to contain our excitement for J-Creezy’s impending introduction to the Playoffs, but really, it may be time to start the countdown… At 3-34, the proposed (by us, of course) Nyets’ signing of The Situation and Pauly D has to be approaching, as well…  THE RHINO!  Craig Smith — and the Clip Joint — are 1 game from a .500 record and maybe only a few games from the Blake Griffin Era.  On the come up… Come on L.O., 3 more points and you get in here with the Near Ice Cube!… DeShawn Stevenson warms up with “Agent Zero” written on his ankle tape.  Rumor has it David Stern immediately picked up a phone in his office, and all that was heard on the other end of the line was:  “It’s done”…

Back again like Dilated Peoples.  The L.O.N. C.E.O. had us under wraps for the ‘09 portion of the 2009-10 season, but he is ready to unleash us upon the world for 2010.  And it’s time to win.  We were hoping there would be less than 3 under .500 Eastern Conference Playoff-bound teams before we got started, but when life gives you lemons…

Line Of The Night:

Devin Brown — 30 points, 4 boards, 1 assist

Looks like Brown has shaken off any saltiness he may have felt after almost being traded last week AND being moved to the bench before last night’s game.  He stole the spotlight a little from the always entertaining Chris Paul vs. Deron Williams match-up, and helped the Hornets get a rare road win.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 72 points vs. the Miami Heat

The ol’ South Beach Curse.  We have a feeling dem A-T-L boys might have been experiencing all Miami has to offer the night before this game, even if it was a Sunday.  With a bunch of Orange Bowl-bound Iowa fans in attendance, it is a shame this is the effort they saw since they do not have an in-state team of their own to see play on a regular basis.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

JH:  Hello Mr. Kaman, my name is Juwan and I’ll be your server this evening.  Can I start you with something to drink?
CK:  No, thanks.  Just go ahead and get me some eggs, over-medium, some homefries and some turkey sausage.
JH:  You got it.  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!
Old waiters die hard.

But really, are vanilla power forwards (think Juwan Howard and P.J. Brown), the NBA’s answer to MLB’s ageless left-handed situational relief pitchers?… Yeaaaaah, I’m gonna do that… Deron Williams:  Welcome to the 3,000 assist club.  Only about 12,800 to go before you can grab the Jazz franchise record… Russell Westbrook and the Thunder got the best of Derrick Rose and his Bulls, in perhaps the young man’s version of CP3 vs. D-Will…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Paul Peezy — 19 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

It was Peezy’s turn to put in a Rondo-esque all-around game, and the resulting win may prove to be the turning point of the series.

Worst Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 12 points on 10 shots

Well, at least Doug Collins must have been a little happy as he averaged more than a point a shot — the holy grail of stats for Collins.  Maybe the Magic can still rally, but their post-game comments had the feel of a team that had it’s heart torn it out.  Rashard Lewis essentially calling his teammates stupid, and then Dwight Howard was damn near Jamie Foxx on the mic, singing:  “Blame it on Dwight, blame it on the Skip, blame it on the Va-a-a-an Gun-dy.”

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 78 points vs. the Lake Show

And a 40-point shot to the dome, kid.  The Lakers arguably came out of this game looking worse than the Rockets, though.  This is, um, fairly solid proof that Game 4 was a complete and utter “mail it in” situation for the Kobettes.

6th Man Of The Night:

Starbury — 12 points, 2 assists

A rose by any other name… would smell sweeter?  Same output as Howard, and yet we are praising him?  Bottom line, Celtics go the Disney World facing an elimination game and everybody over in the Magic locker room is whistling Dixie if Starbury doesn’t keep the C’s in the game, early in the 4th quarter.  So maybe Howard should have been singing, “Blame it on the he-e-e-e-e-ead tattoo.”

James White with a little Playoff run, and it was not pretty.  0-6!!!!!!… Danny Granger wins Most Improved Player… Charles Barkley in that space helmet over the weekend was priceless… Mr. Cuban — the apology was most likely well-intentioned — although we can’t lie, it smacked of, “well shucks, I guess I really have to do this now, even though I’m not feelin’ it” — but do you really have to continue to twist the knife with the repeated “when the series comes back to Dallas” jabs?  We love you, man, but this ain’t you…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night AKA That Classic Ish Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 28 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals

If this series is on some classic, Black-Moon-Who-Got-Da-Props/Wu-C.R.E.A.M./Gang Starr-Premo-Take-It-Personal type ish, then Rondo is Biggie, coming out of that environment to take the crown.  But did Biggie ever roller skate?  In suspenders?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 77 points vs. Portland

Shane Battier — 4 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

One of the various Playoff color men quoted Battier as saying, “If I don’t score, we won’t win”.  Whoomp.  There it is.  Or even whoot.

Illadelph Sixers — 78 points vs. Orlando

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 24 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

In a pivotal Game 5, Howard and the Magic contract the Sixers and seem to take control of the series… except, Howard will most likely be suspended for that lilac get-up (not the elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s head, as widely reported) and their second-best player in the series — Courtney Lee — could miss Game 6 with his own head ailment.  7 For All Mankind?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 19 boards, 16 points, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  Kendrick creeping on a triple-double come up.  We pray for a K.G. miracle return, because, with him, the Ceatles starting lineup is so ridiculously hard body.  Sorry, Big Baby, once you and your BFF Tyrus Thomas have completed your “who can miss the most jumpshots” contest, get back to us.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

After Brad Meezy took that grill shot, Weezy and Juelz’s managers quickly contacted John Paxson to see if they could arrange a collabo.  But seriously, if he felt as messed up as he looked, shouldn’t they have let someone else shoot free throws?  If you lose the game, Vinny, then it does not matter if Miller is available for a 2nd OT.  Get somebody in there that can see straight.

Hey, Vinny, one other thing while we have you — maybe you should double Paul Pierce?  Or at least have Salmons stand directly to his right so he cannot shoot THE SAME SHOT 18,922 times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Frustration… Pop is probably regretting not unleashing George Hill a little earlier in this series.  He did not suffer from whatever ailed Roger Mason and Matt Bonner… Also, does R.C. Buford throw up in his mouth every time he sees a Luis Scola fist pump?… It is extremely hard for us to say this, but.  Um.  Well.  Watch… out… for… the.. [gulp]… Mavs?!?!?!?… But, FREE GERALD GREEN!!!!

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 36 points, 13 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Sure, the Detroit Pistons’ wives, girlfriends and children would have put up a better fight in this series, but Bron’s output is nonetheless historic.  He joined Oscar Robertson and Larry Bird as the only players to ever average 30 ppg, 10 rpg and 7 apg in a post season series.  You’re all welcome.

Worst Of The Night:

The other Spurs:

Matt Bonner, Drew Gooden, Roger Mason, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka — a combined 0-15 from the floor

That’s horrid.  And if those guys failed, then Michael Finley got a D- with his 2-6 performance.  Probably the most disappointing of these guys is Mason, he of the regular season hype.  If the Spurs hope to do the impossible, we’re guessing these guys will need to hit at least one shot in Game 5.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 11 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

Kenny Smith verbalized the Fat Lever comparison, and Rondo put down the nasty statline.  But despite the brilliant game, did he end up preventing a win with that pull up J at the end of OT 1?  Even if Doc called the play for him, he needs to get into the lane, and not pull up for a 22-foot J.  Or better yet, ignore the coach and get the ball into the hands of the guy that keeps hitting clutch shot after clutch shot — Ray Allen.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 23 points, 11 boards, 9 assists

A few days ago we put Courtney Lee at the top of the Playoff rookie pack.  We’re sorry, Mr. Rose.  The crown is yours.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 18 points, 18 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

The stat line looks dominating, but you couldn’t really tell it during the game.  The Magic barely eeked by the Sixers on a game-winning 3 by the Turkish Michael Jordan.  This series is up for grabs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks — 78 points vs. Miami

The team was terrible on Saturday, but we really want contracted is Coach Hootie’s ridiculous goatee.

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Cleveland

Good gracious… put these cats out of their misery.  The Pistons performance this season can only be described as sad and depressing.

Question Of The Night:

Prior to a free throw on Saturday in N’Awlins, what could have made both ‘Melo and Peja laugh, simultaneously?  Do we need a buddy copy movie starring those two?

I.  Will.  Not.  Lose.  Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 38 points, 6 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

The Kobster wasted no time in Game 4.  Early in the first quarter he started systematically ripping the heart out of each and every member of the Jazz organization, taking a bite out of it, then throwing it on the court and stomping on it.  Not sure if Phil Jackson yelled:  “FINISH HIM!!!” in the midst of this.

Really Ryan Hollins?  Come on, settle down… What is wrong with the New Orleans crowd?  Awesome participation in the t-shirt promotion, sure, but the place sounded like a library… Nice to see Travis Outlaw join the Playoff festivities finally… Did the NBA actually murk the Playoffs marketing game this year?  Kanyeezy?  The slow-mo orchestra joints?  Never thought amazing would happen in the NBA marketing offices…

Line Of The Night:

Stephon Marbury — 8 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

As if the Paul Peezy/K.G.-led Ceatles were not already fully backed by L.O.N., now they have an apparently motivated Starbury?  It is on now.  This is the final push they needed for us to fully back their Playoff campaign again this year.  Sorry, LeBron.  We will admit, however, the whole “3″ logo on his head is extremely awkward, at this point.

Starbury looked rusty for sure, but showed signs of his old self.  And while it is an easy joke to make, he legitimately looked like he was having problems with his shoes and/or footing.  Maybe he needs to at least step it up to the 34.99 Al Harrington Protege joints?

Worst Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls — 23 point loss (113-90) to the Wiz with President Obama court side

You are better than that, Chicago.  Word to Mark Jackson.  After meeting the President, who claims ya’ll as his favorite squad, and having him attend your game against the worst team in your conference?  Awful.  How awesome is the Obama part of this whole scenario, though?  Just imagine a L.O.N. logo with the Obama “O”, right now.  We like the direction of this administration already.

Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 22 boards, 21 points, 1 assist, 1 block

It has been a relatively quiet — or at least under the radar — season for Horford thus far.  After getting a lot of pub last year for being the dark horse R.O.Y. candidate, his understated game has slid into the shadows this year.  But not last night.  Although Miami’s position is far from the secure, this is a possible preview of the 4-5 first round playoff match up in the East.  It would be interesting to see if the Hawks’ team dynamic could out match the one Wade show in M-I-Yayo.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 20 assists, 9 points, 7 boards

A ridiculous night for Paul, but the real story was the Hornets completely blowing a 17-point lead with 4 minutes remaining, only to have Tyson Chandler make an amazing putback tip in the final seconds to secure the win.  There is some sort of mind-bending symmetry there, given the rescinded trade situation.  Don’t expect us to put it into words though.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers — 79 points vs. the Denver Nuggets

Sorry, give us the words “bad”, “Kobe Bryant”, and “Denver, and we only can think of one thing.  Go ahead, Google those 3 phrases, we’re not the only ones.  Then we start thinking Michael Vick and Charles Grant and hypocrisy and all types of thoughts that will ruin our Friday night if we expound.  So just go ahead and contract the Lakers and everything will be solved.  Thanks.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 boards, 12 points, 1 assist

Not as impressive as usual, considering the Lakers shot 29%!!!!!  Wow.

Shaqtastically Shaquisite Of The Night:

Shaqtus — 45 points, 11 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 block

Fun.  Smiles.  Joy.  Keep getting your Shaq on, Shaq.  Keep it Shaqqy.  The world is a better place with a Shaq like this.

With a talented team, it seems too easy to run up regular season wins using the patented D’Antoni style.  Doesn’t it make more sense to rack up those wins, get homecourt advantage, and roll the dice in the Playoffs, despite the forced change in style?  In retrospect, it seems crazier and crazier that the Suns broke up the nucleus.  If it was financial based, that is a whole other topic, but if it was a purely basketball decision, it was purely idiotic.

???? Of The Night:

Raymond Felton — 26 points, 9 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards, 1 block

Tough.  Gritty.  A winner.  You might raise your eyebrows at the last descriptor, given his career record, but that’s how we would describe Felton.  Is he the best shooter in the world?  Not at all.  The best playmaker?  No way.  Is his game smooth or pleasing to the eye?  Definitely not.  But do you want him on your team, “in the trenches” as they say?  Every.  Single.  Day.

The Bobcats took down a tough road win in the town where Oscar Grant’s ghost lingers, longing for justice, but not without making it interesting.  With the score tied, shot clock turned off and G-State in the bonus, Stephen Jackson took the inbounds pass and was immediately fouled intentionally by Boris Diaw?!?!?!  Somehow, Larry Brown kept his composure as Captain Jack hit both free throws.  But Diaw made it look like all part of the master plan.  Felton drove, kicked to Raja Bell, who swung it to Diaw for 3… splash.  Charlotte threw the ensuing inbounds pass directly out-of-bounds and it was almost a wrap, but not before infamous ref Bennett Salvatore made it a little more interesting by first declaring the pass had been deflected, before completely reversing field, with no consultation, and saying it was not deflected.  Guess he wanted to make that reservation after all.  And this was after one of his ref buds made a similar reversal a few plays back!  Another wild one in the Bay.

What’s that buzz you hear?  It is Detroit talk radio going nuts: “Rip starts and we win! Blah blah Iverson blah blah blah”… Coincidence that Rajon Rondo produced 17 assists during Marbury’s first game with the team?… Larry Hughes drops 25 in his best game thus far as a Knick.  FREE LARRY HUGHES!!!!… Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… Pops Mensah-Bonsu.  Consider that a warning…  Kid Cudi or Heartbreak Drake?  Pick your side now.  The Revolution is not kind to bystanders…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 35 points, 10 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks

See below to see why this line should have been altered.  Maybe fewer stats, maybe more, but definitely different if not for the always brilliant decision-making of Earl Watson.

Worst Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 6 points, 5 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal, 1 turnover

The line looks innocent enough… but it only took one play to reveal the rotten core of this bad apple.  During the final minute, his team was up 4 — a crucial possession.  He pounded the ball to the court for most of the shot clock then used a Nick Collison screen to get an off-the-dribble mid-range J.  CLANG (of course).  Long rebound, which led to… a wide open fast break dunk for his man, Mike Conley.

Hey, Earl.  There’s this guy on your team… he’s about 6′9″… a phenom out of the East Coast.  Oh, he’s also your leading score… oh and he’s the one that’s been KILLING the Grizz all night.  Kevin Durant ring any bells?  No?  How about your position, point guard… are you familiar with the concept of getting the ball into the hands of the most capable scorer?  Leading your team on the offensive end?  Trying to get your team points?  Hmm… nothing there either, huh?

We don’t know if Scott Brooks called that particular play, but we do know that it seemed like he took the ball out of ol’ Earl’s hands in OT.   In the extra period, Brooks had Russell Westbrook running the show, who evidently has heard of one Kevin Wayne Durant.  KD dominates.  Thunder win.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Washington Wizards — 71 points vs. Miami

The M-I-Yayo might be famous for those slangin’ that rock, but the Wiz thought they were supposed to clang that rock, last night.  37% from the field… 15% from the land of three… 69% from the charity stripe.  Now that is grosser than Rick Ross clipping his toenails, naked, on South Beach.  AND picking his nose.

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Portland

Like the fate of Jamal Malik, the result of this game was written.  Beat the best team in the league in triple-OT, then play your second game in two nights on the road against another top team, all while losing your top score to a broken rib and collapsed lung?  Recipe for how to catch an L.

The Clip Joint — 75 points vs. Chicago

Chicago gives up an average of about 102 points a game.  Yes, the Clippers forgot to play a quarter (the 3rd).  Yes, this is just another notch on Mike Dunleavy’s belt of offensive underachievement.  And, yes, DeAndre Jordan can officially handle finishing the alley oop.  He had 3 sick ones in this game.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

The highlight?  Check assist #9 at about the 1:20 mark of this video.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Not Honey Of The Night:

After seeing Carmelo Anthony on the bench “rocking” a white sweater over a green shirt, a tie, and green/brown plaid pants, the MRSV exclaimed:  “Oh my god.  Carmelo looks like a leprechaun… or a golfer.”

Not a ringing endorsement.

Career-High Of The Night:

T.J. Ford — 34 points, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 board

With Danny Granger sitting this one out with a knee injury, Ford took it upon himself to pick up the scoring slack.  That decision resulted in a career-high scoring output and a win over the Bucks, with whom the Pacers are competing for that #8 spot.  We love T.J., and perhaps inexpicably so.  That love can only mean one thing… Revolutionary status.

Rivalry Of The Night:

NBA rivalries… Celtics/Lakers?  Knicks/Pacers?  Spurs/Mavs?  How about Raptors/Nets?  It’s arguably one of the closest things to an actual rivalry in the league right now.  There is still T-Dot-O anymosity towards Vinsanity, they met in the Playoffs a couple years back, and 2 out of this year’s 4 matches have been decided on the final shot (including last night’s when Devin Harris DID JOEY GRAHAM UP, only to miss the open J).  Now they are fighting each other (ok, and maybe 5 other teams) for a potential Playoff berth.  We’re reaching here, yes.  But it feels like a rivalry.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“The world listening to these words I say/Even if a nigga talkin’ ’bout the NBA/Ron Artest says, ‘Stat, what about the rappers?’/Well, Ron most of these niggas is fuckin’ actors”, “Liars”

“Gettin’ green like Rondo, plus the ring pronto”, “Intermission”

“Left my label, it’s they loss/Like the Hawks in the Playoffs/I hate snitches like Jews hate Adolf”, “Intermission”

Those are off of Stat Quo’s QuoCity mixtape.  If Freeway got comeback MC of the month last month, then Stat is looking for that same honor.  Although Stat has never really achieved the heights Freeway has, so maybe it’s more like a most improved award.  He is definitely looking for the hustle award as well, as this is the 3rd mixtape in a planned 1-per-month, 12-month series.

Rookies vs. Sophs Of The Night:

Can the Rookies end the Sophs 6-year reign of terror?  We say no, that Durant-led Soph roster is just too nice.  Highest pick not to make the Rookie squad –  Kevin Love.  Nobody said that chicks dig the rebound, Kevin.  Sophs that didn’t re-up — Mike Conley, Chairman Yi, Juan Carlos Navarro, Jamario Moon and Sean Williams.  Wow… THOSE guys were top rookies last year?

Rookies:

Michael Beasley, F, MIA
Rudy Fernandez, G, POR
Marc Gasol, C, MEM
Eric Gordon, G, LAC
Brook Lopez, C, NJN
O.J. Mayo, G, MEM
Greg Oden, C, POR
Derrick Rose, PG, CHI
Russell Westbrook, PG, OKC

Sophs:

Aaron Brooks, PG, HOU
Wilson Chandler, F, NYK
Kevin Durant, GF, OKC
Jeff Green, F, OKC
Al Horford, PF, ATL
Luis Scola, PF, HOU
Al Thornton, F, LAC
Rodney Stuckey, G, DET
Thaddeous Young, F, PH
I

Anthony Parker for Prime Minister… stay tuned for the L.O.N./Kanye/Louis Vuitton collabo.  We are thinking scarves.  Or maybe belts?… And one more time, for posterity’s sake, C-Webb and GP in one of the best top 10 play sequences of all time.

It was official Clinton Sparks/SmashTime night in the NBA on Friday, with 5 out of the 9 games ending in 20+ point blowouts.  But at least the late night jawns were “burn-barners” as the Chuckster might say.

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 46 points, 15 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

We are not completely on Gary Payton’s side (that would probably be difficult anyway, considering it was unclear exactly what his point was for much of his Thursday night All-Star discourse), but at least for this night, we are going with individual performance over winning.  Eric Gordon put up 41 for the winning Clip Joint, but score was essentially all he did.  Durant added the boards, AND went 24-26 from the free throw line!  If it’s not this year, his double-digit All-Star streak will start soon enough.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Rafer Alston — 17 points, 8 boards, 8 assists

With Yao tweaking his knee early in the game, not even this all-around effort from Skip was enough for the Rockets to win in Indiana.

LeBron James — 32 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

And the buzzer-beater to silence the rowdy Oakland fans.

Stephen Jackson — 24 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks

This game was hard to watch for the first three quarters.  There were a ton of fouls and not much flow.  The the 4th quarter happened.   Tight game, up-and-down, and in the final minute the King and the Captain went shot for shot.  LeBron got the last shot though, spoiling Monta Ellis’ return.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Phoenix Suns — 76 points vs. Charlotte

This is the type of game that makes the average sports fan hate the NBA.  A lot of Charlotte fans probably came to this game or watched on TV, excited to see guys like Shaq, Amar’e, Nash, etc. and then the entire Suns roster simply rolled over (we’d mention the Bucks/Hawks blowout, but we’re guessing ATLiens were not fired up to see if Joe Alexander could register on ‘Nique’s Dunk-O-Meter).  Not even Jason Richardson could get inspired to play against his old team.  Of course, as bad as this game was, it was probably more interesting than whatever you want to call what Jake Delhomme did a couple of weeks back.  The Bobcats took advantage, for sure, and it was never a contest.  They are now creepin’ on a playoff come up.

Warning Sign Of The Night:

Ricky Davis — 11 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals, 1 block, 1 point

1 point and 11 assists for Ricky Davis?  We are honestly worried about Ricky’s mental state now.

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

East:

Allen Iverson
Dwyane Wade
LeBron James
Kevin Garnett
Dwight Howard

West:

Chris Paul
Kobe Bryant
Tim Duncan
Amare Stoudemire
Yao Ming

All-in-all, we think the fans got it pretty much right, this year.  Hard to come up with strong arguments against any of these selections.  Would have been interesting to see if David Stern would have allowed the Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen selections, though.

What Is Gary Payton Talking About Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 30 points, 15 boards, 5 assists, 4 blocks

Really?  Not an All-Star starter, GP?

Has Dwight Howard been watching the Shawn Kemp post-shot celebration how-to video?  You know, the Cleveland years, when Kemp would add a little flourish to even the simplest of plays?  Howard is borrowing heavily from Shaq as well, for the specifics.  He’s giving the post-dunk crouch-face, the hand stare after a shot… Maybe Dr. Ruth taught him… Now that Alonzo Mourning retired, can we also retire those annoying Gatorade ads in which he brags about his golf game?… Must see tv:  C-Webb and GP talk Nene wedding plans… We think we like this year’s all-star unis.  Or our expectations so low now anything would have impressed us?  And the Mailroom Supervisor tells us not to buy in to this “improves your vertical by 4%” nonsense…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 7 steals

He one-man-showed this game.  Despite Jason Kidd going slot machine (7pts/7asts/7rebs), CP3, with little to no help, took the road win.  But when we found out LeBron (triple-double last night) is playing Paul on Friday, on ESPN, it all started to feel like a big conspiracy.

Beast Of The Night:

Brad Mizzle — 30 points, 22 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

A ridiculous effort in an absurd marathon of a game.  Nobody wanted to win, as Sacramento and G-State missed shot after shot, opportunity after opportunity in 3 overtimes!  Free basketball, playas and playettes.  Despite J-Creezy playing a full 5 quarters worth of action (60 minutes), the Warriors could not put this one away to fully complete their 4th quarter comeback.  After they lost 3 starters due to foul outs to Sactown’s 0, they just got out-manned.  This was the bottom-feeder Yin to the Lakers/Spurs Western Conference supremacy Yang, for sure.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Trailblazers — 79 points vs. Illadelph

Freeway actually wrote more verses last night than Portland scored points.  FREE MIX!

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Every time there’s “best player” in the league talk, there should at least be an obligatory throw in of “and don’t forget that old dog Tim Duncan, he’s still getting it done”, or something to that affect.  Although often a bogus award, when a guy whens the MVP two years running, he is generally in the mix for the “best player in the world” crown.  Duncan did that at his peak, producing these numbers:

01-02:  25.5 pts, 12.7 rebs, 3.7 asts, 2.5 blks in 40.6 mins
02-03:  23.3 pts, 12.9 rebs, 3.9 asts, 2.9 blks in 39.3 mins

Now check this year:

08-09:  20.4 pts, 10.1 rebs, 3.5 asts, 1.8 blks in 35.4 mins

Wow.  That is not much fall off.  Give him 5 more minutes a game, and it is even closer.  Is playing big minutes part of being the best player?  Yes.  Is there some decline?  For sure.  But should the boy get more love?  Definitely.  Just ask Kobe (Roger Mason… FOR THE WIN!!!).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 12 points, 4 blocks, 2 steals

It will never happen in a million years, but shouldn’t the Lakers trade Andrew Bynum for Marcus Camby?  Don’t the Lakers dream that Bynum might be half the player Camby is right now?  Last night Bynum snatched THREE rebounds in 35 minutes.  As your boy Ta-Nehisi Coates would say, weaksauce!

Warriors fans = awesome, in stark contrast to the simultaneously catacombesque Staples Center, which hosted the Clip Joint/Atlanta game last night… The Pistons with back-to-back MISSED buzzer-beaters.  A.I. on Tuesday, Rip on Wednesday.  So close… Looks like the Ceatles are back on track now, winning three in a row, including a little 32-point serving of smash time to Dirty Jers, last night… Nick Young = pure, raw, unadulterated, uncut, pristine, unblemished sugar cane offense… Anthony Randolph — get on the floor, young fella!… Anthony Parker needs to be on a contender.  That vicious fall-away baseline J needs to have an impact in the playoffs… Il Mago balling (career-high 31 points), T-Dot still losing.  What happens when Jermaine O’Neal comes back?…

As seen on SLAMONline:

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 30 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

Is it all over?  Do we call the next 6-10 years, with a retirement sprinkled in here or there, and hand the title to LeBron and [fill in whatever team he is on]?  Are the days of legitimately not really knowing who is going to win the title when we get to the playoffs over?  Are we back on the Jordan/Hakeem/Shobe time line?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Detroit Pistons — 78 points vs. Charlotte Bobcats

‘Sheed Wallace is called for a faker than Rick Ross offensive foul.  He amazingly avoids the assumed tech, but the Bobcats get the ball with the score tied, nonetheless.  Raymond Felton gets the rock, preparing for the final shot with his signature herky-jerk, bow-legged gate.  Swop.  Game.  Felton runs down the court, screaming indignantly, daringly, to anyone that will listen… Trade ME!??!?!?!  TRAAAAADE ME!!!!

But in all honestly, reports are that defensive performance came as a result of Larry Brown, in practice, shouting, with an autotuner: “Find your man and rotate, find your man and rotate/’Cause the vagabond is back, I said the vagabond is back”.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“I’m next on the table, who want whut?/I am champ-i-on, at beer pong/Allen I-ver-soon, Hakeem O-la-ju-won”, Asher Roth, “College”

A whiteboy rapping about college over a guitar-based based?  Sounds like a recipe for disaster… until you throw in Iverson and Olajuwon references.  Asher Roth pulls it off, and the catchiness is undeniable.  It will be literally impossible to spend any time in a college frat house this semester and not here this song.  Now, trust, A.I. and the Dream will be there too.  If it really makes you feel better, throw the Jones version on, instead.  Hmmm, maybe we didn’t help ourselves with that last suggestion.

Back In The Day Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 13 points, 1 head bump

Offense, and only offense, but he managed a dunk that led to the infamous head tap!  D-Miles?  Q-Rich?  L-Eezy?  It was all good just a week ago.  And Portland — THERE’S ONLY 1 GAME LEFT!!!

Shaqism Of The Night:

Shaq has blessed us with his latest nickname: now calls himself Shaq-ovic “because if you go around the league anybody with the last name ‘vic’ is a great shooter.”

This was after he claimed to finally find the cure to his free throw ills (he went 12-12 over the course of two games).  Of course last night, he came back to America (from Eastern Europe) a little with a 6-11 performance from the stripe.  No complaints here though.  Whatever keeps you happy and talking, big fella.  Our favorite Shaq story of the year though, is Steve Kerr’s account that the Diesel often goes to Wal-Mart following home games, picks up some items… and anyone else’s bill that happens to be standing in line!  Awesome.  We don’t support Wal-Mart, but that’s still great.

Studio Show Of The Night:

Put it on the board.  With the Chuckster out for awhile following his most recent run-in with another personal vice, it’s NBA GameNight time.  C-Webb and Gary Paytonare everything Kenny and Chuck USED to be.  They completely wile out.  They are still connected enough with current players that they really have some inside ish and relationships, so when C-Webb throws somebody under the bus — we’re looking at you, Coach O’Brien — it rings true.  And did we mention they really just wile out?  Gary Payton on the fake cover of Cat Lovers magazine?  Love it.  And yeah, Ahmad gets zero credit.

Eddy Curry.  We only PRAY that he hadn’t put on all this new weight at the time he was running around naked.  But really not a pretty sight, either way…  Because the superthug is back.  IS BACK.  The superthug is back… Minnesota finally loses, but Randy Foye stayed hot, dropping 29/8 asts./5 rebs./1 stl.  The awakening… And that was the only coaching change that did anything, right?  The Kings’ certainly did not work, unless they were looking to give up 139 points, including 23-37 3-point shooting!  That’s a record, Orlando…