L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

Line Of The Night:

Gerald Wallace — 34 points, 9 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 2 steals

Nice line for Wallace, as he led the Bobcats to a win in their home opener against the Miami Heat, who, by the way, may be the early candidate for worst defensive team in the league.  You know your D is bad when Wallace’s normally scary J turns wet.  However, what may be even more foreboding, is the Brown Ultimatum brewing in the Queen City.  Larry Brown.  Shannon Brown.  Andre Brown.  MJ’s camel brown blazer.  Beware.

Worst Of The Night:

Jamal Crawford — 4 assists, 1 point on 0-6 shooting

Oh no.

Beast Of The Night:

Drew Gooden — 20 boards, 7 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

And you thought we were talking about the baldy/sideburns/upside down fire flames beard look!  The truly special aspect of this Grizzlies/Bulls game was Derrick Rose, though.  Kid is ridic.  It’s about to be a unanimous R.O.Y. situation.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

OKC, 77 points, Saturday vs. Houston

So we lied.  We have now DVRed and watched at least portions of two OKC games, and that definitely refutes bottom 4 League Pass status.  The fact is, the Kevin Durant intrigue is still there.  Games like this won’t help though, and hearing the name “Thunder” is still annoying.  Cornball.  However, on Sunday against the T-Wolves, when they secured their first franchise win, Durant may have discovered a true P-N-C, in Russell Westbrook.  That does help.

Boston Celtics, 79 points, Saturday vs. Inidana

Ah, yes.  Now we start to see the anticipated championship hangover.  This is perhaps an early sign that the Ceatles will not be the same regular season juggernaut of last year.  Not saying they won’t be there when it matters this spring, but that #1 seed may be worth gunning for by the East’s common folk.

Clip Joint, 79 points, Saturday vs. Utah

Ugh.  As if to immediately prove all the cynics right, B-Diddy and Marcus Camby are already missing games and the Clippers are a mess.  Please fellas, L.A. needs a hoops alternative.  Ralph Lawler deserves better.

6th Man Of The Night:

James Posey — 15 points, 6 boards, 4 steals, 2 assists

That’s why they signed him.  In one of the first “Finals Preview” type games of the season, the Hornets took down the Cavs 104-92, on Saturday.  The Hornets stars were major, but it was the Posey Show in the 4th quarter, as he hit clutch shots and helped limit Bron to 15 points on 40% shooting.  His march to Robert Horry status has begun.

Marbury in G-State?  Let’s make it happen.  Crazy loves crazy… Speaking of crazy, Mike Beasley loves the jumpshot.  Is he the modern Glenn Robinson?… Oh, and speaking of crazy, when Shawn Marion left Phoenix, did he steal the souls of Raja Bell and Leandro Barbosa?  Or are those guys the basketball equivalent of the Steve Spurrier-coached Florida QBs of the 90s — good in a specific system but straight pedestrian outside of it?…  Maybe we’re crazy, but what more does Ramon Sessions have to do to beat out Luke Ridnour for the starting job?… The Nets organization is definitely not crazy for re-uniting the Czar and Marv on their local telecasts… And back to crazy. Coach Adelman, sir, Yao and McGrady are still in the game with under 2 minutes and a double-digit lead and no sign of life from the Thunder?  My leg, my back, my leg and my back…

Line Of The Night:

Kobe Bryant — 31 points, 7 boards, 6 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

Sick, sick, sick. The most-likely MVP did it all, as the Lakers pulled out the brooms on the Nuggets. A lot of focus was placed on the mess that is the Denver Nuggets, but is it possible the Lakers are simply really, really good?

Either way, put a fork in the Nuggets. Did this series show their true spirit? Or was it an aberration? A.I. seemed sour and cranky for the whole series, while Melo was almost the complete opposite… seemingly too relaxed. The one positive for them may be J.R. Smith’s series. He seemed focused and stepped it up on the big stage. Can he transfer that to an 82-game season, though? We just hope he keeps launching from 28 feet!

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 21 boards, 21 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

It took them 5 games to the Lakers’ 4, but chronologically, this effort from Superman made the Magic the first team to advance to the second round, as they knocked off the Raptors. They can now sit back and watch the Pistons struggle to knock off the Sixers for at least 2 more games. As for the Raptors? Let the “Fire Sam Mitchell” chants rain down. This team “talented” their way into the Playoffs, never really figuring out their identity. With the roster pieces they have, and no clear problem to point the finger at, they should have been more competitive than they showed in this serie.

Johnson And Smith Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 35 points, 6 assists, 1 board

Josh Smith — 28 points, 7 blocks, 6 boards, 2 steals, 2 assists

ALL of the 4th quarter points for the A-T-Liens? How do the supposedly defensive-minded Celtics give up 32 points in the 4th, and all of them by only 2 players? Seems like Doc gets some blame for this. He doubled Joe late, but it should have come earlier. And in a separate mistake, why was he not going offense/defense, consistently, at point guard? Sam mad a great offensive play when he was in there… then he got benched.

Josh Smith is about to superstar this league, by the way.

You Reach, I Teach Of The Night:

Whatever Joe Johnson did to Leon Powe last night… it is illegal in 17 states. Does he have a Rasheed Wallace mentality? Is he the type of guy that just does not want to be the superstar every night, and would rather fit in with the team?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night: 

Chris Webber — The MRSV says: “He looks nice.  Welcome to the team!”

Line Of The Night AKA Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 36 points, 16 boards, 8 assists, 3 blocks

Put one of the most talented post-men in an open gym by himself for about a half an hour, and he would probably put up a line a lot like this. He shot 14 of 20, and all of those might have been dunks. Enver takes bad defense to never seen before levels.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 25 points, 22 boards, 5 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Howard dominated the paint in this opener, but the real story was Orlando’s 3-point shooters. It is hard to believe they will keep up their Game 1 pace, probably leading to a close series. As the “Great Toronto Point Guard Debate” continues, we have to weigh in on T.J. Ford’s side. Looking at pure stats, Jose Calderon seems like the man, but L.O.N. says T-Dot-O needs a balling Ford to win this series. He is the only cat that can get penetration, finish or create a shot. Calderon just cannot take over a game like Ford can, when at this best. With Howard most likely continuing to have an advantage over Bosh, Ford needs to step it up. And oh yeah… can Jason Kapono get some more shots, please? That goes for whoever is manning the point.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 16 points, 9 boards, 8 assists

Wow, and this was a bad game for him? Pistons fans worldwide better hope Detroit actually plays for 48 minutes in every game for the rest of this series. The Sixers did not even the play the best they can, and took a game in the Palace! It is amazing that the Pistons never learn. Year after year.

Fool’s Gold Of The Night:

Carmelo Anthony — 30 points, 12 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Nice line, but we say he had a bad game. He went 11 of 26 from the field, largely because he just jacked up jump shots. Drive the ball! The Lakers are not exactly defensive masterminds themselves. Take advantage! On top of that, Anthony seemed to loosen up and really play well in garbage time. That is the opposite of clutch. And damn it… pass to J.R. Smith and Linas Kleiza. They were absolutely on fire, shooting a combined 15-21! J.R. Smith was so hot, he set the bus on fire on the way to the arena! Pass that rock.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

THE POWE SHOW! On Josh “shock the world” Smith’s head. The only shocking tonight was to Smith’s system, as Powe got him and so did K.G. earlier in the game. On Sunday, he was definitely in the mood for dinner-time breakfast.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Shockingly, the award goes to Doc Rivers. The MRSV says: “He looks handsome in his Celtic green tie.” Wild.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 20 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Elton Brand 2.0 did himself proud in Game 1 vs. Boston, surprisingly leading the Hawks in scoring. This team barely avoided contraction, and if they even want to come close in a single game this series, guys other than Horford and Joe Johnson are going to need to show up.

We do not even know what to say about whatever that weird coach moshpit was that George Karl held in the Denver locker room prior to the game… The Lakers fans broke out the “D-U-I” chants right away, for ‘Melo. Keep it classy, L.A…. Body By Jake in the house, next to Jack at the Staples Center!… Jeff Van Gundy is the best thing that ever happened to the Mike Breen broadcasting team. Not only is he hilarious, but any talk time that Breen loses, is a beautiful thing…

Line Of The Night:

Baron Davis — 38 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

What a stark contrast to watch the Warriors and Suns play after two straight days of college basketball tourneys.  These pros are good.  Boom Dizzle had it all going last night, but his teammates seemed to run out of juice in the 2nd night of a back-to-back, against Phoenix.  Looks like the Suns are starting to figure this Shaq thing out.

Beast Of The Night:

Josh Smith — 22 boards, 16 points, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

The rare small forward beast.  The sick part is, his potential is barely tapped since it’s unclear how much ethic and basketball IQ he has.  Imagine the possibilities of Smith with Tyler Hansbrough’s mentality?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks, 75 points vs. the Houston Rockets

No wonder Smith had so many boards… the A-T-Liens couldn’t shoot!  But that’s what happens when you go up against the Houston juggernaut!  What a great story.  The team is displaying the camaraderie of a college Cinderella (even though Jordan is telling us there is no Cinderella) team and it’s just fun to watch.  The Rockets could potentially get the #1 seed in the West!  20-0.  McGradles for MVP!?!??!?!

San Antonio Spurs, 75 points vs. the New Orleans Hornets

David West came back with a vengeance, dropping 29 and 10 on the heads of the reigning champs.  Give Manu the ball!  He only had 11 points on 5-10 shooting.

The Unpaid Intern On Location Of The Night:

Editor’s Note:  Sorry for delay in publishing this, but it’s karma.  The Unpaid Intern should not have waited so late in the season to go to an NBA game.

Friday, March 7, 2008, Madison Square Garden, NYC — There will never be a day when “I just got 10th row tickets to the Knicks game” will come as bad news.  In fact, it will always be great news–especially when the Knicks are hosting the Detroit Pistons.  Our seats were behind the basket, just about eye-level with the players.  Free and great. There were plenty of Pistons fans in attendance, although we can’t claim to have had any sort of faux home court advantage like the L.O.N. C.E.O. witnessed at the Clipper’s game.  After one of our Deeeee-troit Baaaaaasket-ball calls, one Knicks fan told us to go back to Detroit.  That’s fun.

The night started off with one bad and one good surprise.  The good was that newly acquired Piston Theo Ratliff was not only suited up, but starting.  The bad was that there was no sign of Rasheed Wallace. So unlike the L.O.N. C.E.O., we were not privy to Sheed’s infamous pre-game dance ritual–which would have been right by us.  The team still did some kind of dance-huddle, but it wasn’t the same.  As a big Rasheed fan, it was a pretty big disappointment for him to have the night off for what will probably be the only Piston’s game I’ll see in person this year.

The Pistons started out cold, perhaps still feeling whatever it was that led to that terrible game against Boston.  But soon enough the score was tied, then the Stones were up by 15 and the world seemed right.  The Knicks fought hard until the end though, and were within striking distance.  But when you’re sending Chauncey to the line at the end, you can pretty much take the W to the bank.

The Billups-Crawford match-up was fun to watch.  J-Creezy can ball, too bad he plays for a terrible team/organization right now.  Rip got tossed, like an idiot, for running his mouth.  If there’s one thing we’d like to see the Pistons do, it’s button those lips and just play basketball.  Detroit is a tough as nails, blue collar city, not a crybaby blabbermouth town.  Get it right.  Watching Eddy Curry play makes me wonder how many guys in the league don’t really enjoy basketball.  Sometimes it seems like Curry is only out there because he happens to be a giant and it’s a good way to make a living.  He looks sad and bored and like he’d rather be somewhere else.  Never a good look when you’re a cornerstone of the franchise.  And I think that if I were a Knicks fan, I would want to vomit every time I saw Renaldo Balkman.  Ugh.

Perhaps the best part of the night, for me as a Piston fan, was seeing the young guns out there.  The trio of Amir Johnson, Jason Maxiell and Rodney Stuckey looked solid.  They still need a few years, but there’s the young core of a possible future dynasty there.  It was the first time I’d really seen Stuckey play and it looks like he’s got “it” — that confidence and killer instinct, coupled with superb athletic ability.  Sometimes you see a rookie out there, looking timid and unsure (see Dorell Wright’s first three years).  Stuckey had none of that hesitation; I think he’s going to be a special player.  And that’s not to take anything away from Amir, who could grow into a possible Amare-style beast, and Maxiell, who has already shown that his grit and hustle transitions to the NBA game.

In famous person news, there were numerous NY Rangers seated in the front row near us, as well as fan-favorite and former Red Wing Brendan Shanahan.  Spike Lee was in attendance, as usual, and even got involved by standing up and shagging down a ball, talking some smack as he handed it back to the ref.  And Aaron Ross, rookie DB for the Super Bowl Champion Giants got an ovation and was mobbed for autographs by kids as he made his way down the aisle.

The Garden is such a great atmosphere, it’s too bad Isiah and James Dolan have basically ruined that team.

Pistons win in a game that was much closer than it should have been.  101-97.

Green-on-green crime:  Boston stomps Seattle 111-82… Philly will play anyone, anywhere, anytime.  Wednesday they knocked off the Pistons in the Palace… Tough Juice back in the house.  Caron Butler scores 19 and gets a win for Washington, over Cleveland, in his return to the lineup… Bruce Bowen suspended for Friday’s game, after hitting Chris Paul with his leg on Wednesday.  This ends the current longest consecutive games played streak at 500… Smush Parker, back in business after signing with the Clip Joint.  Maybe they read our Dickau rant!… LeBron James becomes only the third man to ever appear on Vogue, AND he’s moving in on Tom Brady’s woman!