L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 28 points, 11 assists,  6 boards, 5 steals, 1 All-Star MVP award

In a game usually defined by offense, it was the defense of D-Wade and Bron that made them the stars of the game, mostly because of the offense to which it led.  The two racked up 9 total steals which led to about 9 (or more?  ANYTHIING is possible in an All-Star game) amazing break-away dunks.  The two had very similar games — easily the most highlightest of the highlighters — but Wade just barely edged out The King statistically, not to mention he completed the All-Star game staple “off glass to your self oop dunk”, to take down the MVP award.  Do not worry, LeBron fans, he will be in contention for the MVP award year-after-year.  His game — and more importantly his personality — is tailor made for this event.  He balls out and has a lot of fun doing it — see his “taunting” of Melo, his back-and-forth with Jason Kidd, and becoming the official “King Of The Two-Handed Reverse Dunk”.

Game Of The Night AKA The Long Arm Of Stan Van Gundy Of The Night:

East 141, West 139

What a game!  The ultimate NBA showcase ended up including just about everything for which a fan could hope.  There was the absolute spectacle of Cowboy Stadium, amazing plays from amazing stars, and a competitive game amongst the world’s greatest athletes.

However, it got off to a very unfamiliar start.  The typical script looks like this — wild and somewhat out-of-control running and gunning for the first half or so, then if the game is still close, settling in to more half-court ball to determine a winner.  But not this year.  Maybe it was the Stan Van Gundy factor (who must have set a record for most timeouts called in an All-Star game) or maybe it was the “wonderment” factor with players entranced by their epic surroundings, or maybe he was all the first-time All-Stars, but right away this was a hard fought game.  There were set plays.  There were lots of fouls called.  There was a back-and-forth battle in the post between Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol.  It was probably not until the 3rd quarter until things really opened up.

That is not to say there was not a lot of fun.  There were a ton of spectacular alley oops (best oop passer for the game?  Rondo.  Best finisher?  Probably Dwight Howard on a spectacular reach-back one-handed finish in the third quarter), and surprisingly few failed alley oops.  And of course, there were just plain fun individual sequences:  Dwight Howard shooting (and making 1) a couple 3’s after which we were half-surprised Van Gundy did not stop the game and yank him!,  Howard grabbing a rebound and going coast-to-coast for the slam,  LeBron’s previously detailed shenanigans, D-Wade’s own aerial show, and CHRIS KAMAN IN THE HOUSE!!!

In the final quarter, it looked like maybe the West was falling into the same trap the Sophomores did on Friday night with their size becoming an obstacle in keeping up with the speed of the East, but then Chauncey Billups decided it was not over.  He shot them right back into it, and we had a “barn barner” (word to Charles Barkley) on our hands.

The end game?  Well, let’s just say it was disappointing.  Several bonehead fouls (just how long did you party on Saturday night, Deron?) and poor execution rounded the game out before hometown hero Chris Bosh iced it for the East with two free throws.  All-in-all, though, it was a great show.

Other game notes:  Hopefully this was the first of many All-Star appearances for Rajon Rondo.  He might have had the highest excitement-per-minute ratio of anyone…  Sorry, but David Lee was exposed.  He is not All-Star caliber, no matter what kind of D’Antoni-inflated stats he can put up…  It is weird, we know, but wasn’t it hard to tell the difference between Chris Kaman and Jason Kidd when they were on the court at the same time?… Derrick Rose definitely did not wilt under the big lights.  He did not find much success, but he was definitely not shy out there… If LeBron was holding a personal try out in the last two minutes to find his next big man teammate, Chris Bosh probably failed by botching an easy oop, and Amar’e might have one himself a spot by locking LeBron up on D… Come on George Karl.  You promise us the 4 point guard lineup, and you don’t deliver?…

Beast Of The Night:

DeJuan Blair — 23 boards, 22 points, 4 assists, 1 unofficial Rookie Challenge MVP award

Tyreke Evans officially won the MVP award but in the face of arena-wide “M-V-P!” chants for Blair, he graciously shared the award with his big fella.  Only a Spur would and could dirty-work his way to stealing the show in an All-Star game.  He did manage to add a little glitz to the show, though.  At one point, right on the heels of the announcers discussing his missing his ACLs, he pulled off a couple classic All-Star moves.  First, he executed a sick breakaway self-pass-off-the-backboard dunk, and then immediately followed that with the always fun “big man clanged 3-pointer”.

The quartet of Evans, Blair, Brandon Jennings and James Harden led the Rookies to a win, marking the first time since 2002 that the Sophomores lost.  Russell Westbrook — who went for a game-high 40, 6 points shy of his teammate Kevin Durant’s record of 46 in this game — seemed like he was leading the Sophs to a second half comeback, but they never figured out how to stop the smaller and quicker (AKA more All-Star ready) Rooks.

Worst Of The Night:

How do you get a trainwreck going in the right direction?  Try this:  1)  Setup a cow-roping game as a gimmick, court-side at an NBA All-Star event.  2)  Have the first participant be Chris Paul… on crutches!?!?!?  What????  3)  Have the first celebrity introduced be… oh?  what’s that?  You have no celebrities in the Celebrity Game?  Check.  Train officially wrecked.

This thing is brutal.  While it’s always been ridiculous, an event like this does have slight potential to be entertaining, and actually used to be — remember when Chris Brown dunked on Bow Wow (okay, not quite, but that’s how myths grow)?  ESPN has taken this event and absolutely run it into the ground.  Bad celebs, bad basketball, bad announcing (Mark Jones quotes:  1) “Common’s one of the best R&B acts going” 2)  “Terrence J, one of the top video jocks in the country” — could you sound any more out of touch?  And that’s your “hip” announcer”?), bad jokes, rigged MVP award.  A-W-F-U-L.

Only two things happened that gave this redeeming value:  1)  Seeing Jon Barry STEAMING after taking a bucket of water to the face.  If he would just let it go and take Mike Breen out… let’s just say there would be no complaints from L.O.N. if both of those guys were never on TV again.  2)  Common, delayed by weather, entering the game ala Derek Fisher and balling.  He was the obvious MVP, but Remi won it as part of some lame promotional storyline ESPN was trying to play up.
H.O.R.S.E. Of The Night:

Kevin Durant successfully defended his title — this time actually receiving a LEGIT trophy — in a contest that is still going through some growing pains.  On the positive side, at least this thing was moved onto a real court, and given more of an overall sense of legitimacy.  The main problem though, is that the TNT guys seemed to be the stars of the show, when it should be about the players.  We need some personalities in this thing — either guys already familiar with each other, or guys with out-sized personalities.  So next year, maybe bring in Russell Westbrook and Brandon Jennings to challenge KD?  Also, the guys need to do at least a little prep work and thought about their shots.  Creativity was a little low.  We did like the fan-submitted shot, so maybe there is potential to integrate that more.  Finally, the end-game was a complete debacle.  So you are telling us that in order to save time, you are going to have PROFESSIONAL SHOOTERS repeatedly fire from the same spot, shot after shot?  That being said, it was still surprising how well Rondo shot.  Now the Ray Allen trade rumors make more sense, as it seems Danny Ainge has somehow stolen Allen’s soul and noetically infused it into Rondo’s body… so teams will actually be receiving Zombie Allen, should they complete a trade.  All-in-all it was a good show, though, and should only get better with a few tweaks.

Other notes:  Now if Omri Casspi had required the other two to duplicate his shooting form on each shot, he might have run away with the thing… Barley was sweating like a H.O.R.S.E. up in there… Can’t believe KD let the ref talk about his momma like that:  “Okay, behind your mom”…

All-Star Saturday Night — The Opening Acts Of The Night:

We are self-admitted All-Star junkies.  We LOVE the Skills Challenge.  We LOVE the Shooting Stars.  Yes, we have never met anyone that shares these feelings with us… so we can’t even join a support group!  Skills Challenge Anonymous, are you out there?

The best part about Shooting Stars this year?  No Derek Fisher.  He’s the L.O.N. anti-christ and we take a definite less-is-more attitude with him.  We did not like the idea of mixing — and even completely fudging (a current NY Liberty playing on team Sacto?) –  teams to complete the squads this year though.  Clippers and Lakers working together for the good of mankind?  Rockets and Mavs and Silver Stars all on the same squad (although the more Becky Hammon, the better)?  It worked out from a competitive standpoint though, as supersquads were created.  The LA and Texas squads were beasts.  LA’s slight weak link — Pau Gasol from 3 — was eventually exposed, as the Texas team took down the title behind the shooting of Dirk, Kenny Smith and Hammon.

Wow, looks like there is more to say about the Shooting Stars than the Skills Challenge?  Basically Steve Nash, almost effortlessly, showed the young fellas how to do this thing, with a couple near-perfect runs.  Deron Williams gave him a run for his money, but had a major hiccup at one of the passing stations to derail his hopes.   In the first round, Brandon Jennings had a similar performance, looking like he was about to set the record, before getting murdered at the long-range pass station.  If he locks that one down, the title may be his next year.

Here is all you need to know about the 3-Point Contest — Darrell Dawkins’ silk Japanese kimono-style suit coat!  Okay, not really, but that thing had to get some L.O.N. shine.  This thing turned out to be a pretty good battle, but the announcers had everyone confused by saying Paul Pierce and Chauncey Billups were in a shootout to reach 2nd round, when in actuality, Pierce, Billups and Stephen Curry were all advanced to the 2nd round.  So when Peezy started wildly celebrating with KG, we thought it was strange that he was doing that before his final shooting round.  Then we figured out he won the thing… then were equally confused when he declared himself “one of the greatest shooters ever”.  Dazed by the suit coat, confused by the events thereafter.

All-Star Saturday Night — The Main Event Of The Night:

Ya’ll can dwell on the wackness if you want, but we will just focus on the dopeness.  Word to Jonathan Levine.  In our opinion, DeMar Derozan was robbed… or maybe he robbed himself?  His first three dunks were pretty sick — especially the off the side of the backboard joint — but his last dunk was weak — a non-challenging running windmill.  Basically, if he had ended on a higher note, he probably takes down the title.  And he promised a Michael Jackson Thriller tribute… where did that go?  That could have provided some much needed theater.  Either way, we hope DeMar is back next year.  Nate Robinson’s dunks were nice when viewed in and of themselves, but his problem was his past theatrics.  He simply did not live up to them.  If this had been the first time we saw the little guy throw them thangs down?  NASTY.  But he has done better in the past.  Congrats to the 3-time champ, though.

So everyone calm down.  Sure, it was a down year, but this thing will be back.  It’s all about finding the right person, at the right time, so a little bit of luck will always be involved.  Maybe it will be the inclusion of some hungry-ass D-Leaguer or college guy, or maybe even a current NBAer we are not even thinking about.

Chuckisms Of The Night:

“Why don’t we put a deer in the dunk contest, then?”

Responding to Kenny Smith’s repeated declaration that athletes win dunk contests.  And this whole time, we thought day laborers won dunk contests.

“When one of your friends shows up white when he’s a black, I mean you gotta take that personally, don’t you?”

Speaking on Sammy Sosa.  Hilarious.

While Cheryl MIller was announcing the winner of the Dunk In, in, let’s just say, a very exuberant manner, Barkley started to talk, not realizing he was on the mic.  He did not finish his thought, but we are pretty sure he was about to clown Cheryl.  The Chuckster’s Manifest Destiny was almost complete.

Finally, during the All-Star game pre-game show, he let Ernie, Mark Cuban and David Stern for talking so much about the upcoming labor negotiations.  Tell ‘em why you mad, Chuck!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Gallo, so you liked that Israeli Salad I served you up a few days ago?  Well, how about some labneh, borekas and a halvah sampler this time?  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF MUSSOLINI!

Announce-In Of The Night:

Forget the boooorrrrrrr-iinng Dunk-In during the Rookie Challange, how about the “Announce-In” betwen Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson and Pau Gasol — all guest announcers during the game.  Howard started off as a seeming natural — he has announcer-talk down pat, and provides comic relief with his impersonations (he did Stan Van Gundy and Barkley) and nicknames (calling James Harden Mose and describing one of his made 3’s as “parting the net”).  However, he ended up sounding like a video game announcer with VERY limited recorded phrases, repeating the same things over and over and over and over again.  Then Robinson (our winner) got on the M-I-C and really brought the players perspective with some good Xs-and-Os talk and specific insight on players.  Pau was good too though, especially describing the specifics of day-to-day life playing as a European pro and the differences in high school level ball and players.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas gets:

Caron Butler
Brendan Haywood
DeShawn Stevenson
Cash

Washington gets:

Josh Howard
Drew Gooden
Quinton Ross
James Singleton

Pretty easy to break this down.  Dallas gets tougher and deeper for the stretch run, and the Wizards start their second firesale of the past 10 years.  We do not know if this is enough to position the Mavs as a clear challenger to the Lake Show, but it sure looks nice on paper.  Haywood gives you outstanding interior D, as well as the ol’ Carolina championship good luck charm that so many NBA teams have utilized in the past.  Tough Juice gives you another clutch player that can create their own shot.

Terry Lewis and Jimmy Jam ARE All-Star Weekend… Rick Fox and Nancy Lieberman = unstoppable tandem…  DRIZZY!  ESPN put him on the track, but didn’t let him sing the hook!  Use your stars, ESPN!… Terrence J should be banned from life…  Just when you thought it was not possible, Craig Sager next-leveled it during the Rookie Challenge with that carpet/curtain/upholstery/wallpaper combo suit…  Ricky Rubio’s name came up during the Rookie game, and damn — regardless of how good he is night in and night out, he is going to be INSANE in the Rookie Game… Chris Kaman IS All-Star Weekend!… Brandon Jennings brings back the Gumby, and shockingly, Kevin McHale had never heard the term.  Robert Parish wasn’t rocking that back in the day?…  Why exactly was there a random guy at the Rookie Game, court-side, wearing a horned Viking helmet?…  Dang, Brook Lopez is even angry in All-Star games!… Dwight Howard makes the Guinness Book Of World Records for “Longest Seated Shot” — He made one sitting down from 3/4 court!… As annoying as Reggie Miller is, DAMN he tries hard.  You cannot say he doesn’t get into it.  We could not help but think it was hilarious how obsessed he was with JerryVision… Want to buy some DVDs?   Aaaeeeeeeeeee!…  If anything, Usher needs to give his PANTS more.  What’s up with all his Capris?  Leather Capris?  Really?… Was Will Ferrell in the Canadian Tenors?…  It was hilarious to us, for some reason, when the camera panned to Tim Duncan during “O Canada”, following the obvious Nash and Bosh shots… We think Kevin McHale gets some sort of residuals every time he utters the phrase “Bully ball”…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 28 points, 10 boards, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Money on the block with a J that hits/While Artest keep talkin’ this defense ish.  Why isn’t there a Houston Rockets Playoff song/Yao highlight reel that remakes the Clipse “Grindin‘” with the chorus as “Yao-Ming”?  The Rockets used another strong Game 1 performance from Yao to overcome an almost non-existent bench.  Welcome to the Playoffs, Lake Show.

Worst Of The Night:

The Kobsters.  Much of the post-game focus was Kobe’s sore throat/sore performance, but he actually did not play all that poorly.  The real problem?  Almost every other Laker had a bad game with maybe the exception of Trevor Ariza, but even he was not spectacular.  This ain’t Utah, fellas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 22 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

But only 12 shots?  We don’t get it.  In the post-game interview, after his team tried its hardest to blow a 28-point lead, he even tried to reprimand his teammates, ala LeBron, in a supportive-yet-pissed kind of way.  But it was clearly a forced facade, as it soon became clear all he really had on his mind was announcing his wrestling name:  “Black Magic”.  Be yourself, Dwight!  We love you for it.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 14 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

From our viewpoint, Rondo has not quite been the same since the “throw Hinrich into the stands” incident.  It seemed like he dialed it back after that, losing some of the edge that helped him dominate the Playoffs to that point.  In the second half last night, though, it looked like maybe he flipped the switch back on.  We knew it was official when he tried to dunk on Dwight Howard.  That’s Defensive Player Of The Year Dwight Howard.  Howard just about got served up some of Grandma Rondo’s delicious homemade grits.

The King Is Crowned Of The Night:

In a landslide, LeBron James officially took down his first (of many?) MVP trophy, yesterday.  In true LeBron style, with his teammates in attendance, he accepted the award in a ceremony back at his high school, St. Vincent-St. Mary, in his hometown of Akron.  It was awesome that he actually admitted that he was happy to win the award, but our favorite part was definitely the Friday reference as he thanked his teammates:  “It’s gonna be like the both of ours but I’m a keep it at my house.”  The camera cuts to his teammates, who are mostly laughing, but straight crickets coming from Big Z and Varejao.  So they didn’t ship a version of Friday with Lithuanian and Portuguese subtitles?

Orlando’s Courtney Lee to possibly return for Game 3… Jadakiss is riding for the Nuggets… So, Boston in 7?  Last night’s Game 1 vs. Orlando was eerily similar to their Game 1 loss to Chi-town… Assuming the Cavs win the title, the “must have a Carolina player to win the title” theory will be back in effect.  Two words:  Jawad.  Williams…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night AKA Near Larry Bird Of The Night AKA That Classic Ish Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 28 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals

If this series is on some classic, Black-Moon-Who-Got-Da-Props/Wu-C.R.E.A.M./Gang Starr-Premo-Take-It-Personal type ish, then Rondo is Biggie, coming out of that environment to take the crown.  But did Biggie ever roller skate?  In suspenders?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 77 points vs. Portland

Shane Battier — 4 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

One of the various Playoff color men quoted Battier as saying, “If I don’t score, we won’t win”.  Whoomp.  There it is.  Or even whoot.

Illadelph Sixers — 78 points vs. Orlando

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 24 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

In a pivotal Game 5, Howard and the Magic contract the Sixers and seem to take control of the series… except, Howard will most likely be suspended for that lilac get-up (not the elbow to Samuel Dalembert’s head, as widely reported) and their second-best player in the series — Courtney Lee — could miss Game 6 with his own head ailment.  7 For All Mankind?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins — 19 boards, 16 points, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  Kendrick creeping on a triple-double come up.  We pray for a K.G. miracle return, because, with him, the Ceatles starting lineup is so ridiculously hard body.  Sorry, Big Baby, once you and your BFF Tyrus Thomas have completed your “who can miss the most jumpshots” contest, get back to us.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

After Brad Meezy took that grill shot, Weezy and Juelz’s managers quickly contacted John Paxson to see if they could arrange a collabo.  But seriously, if he felt as messed up as he looked, shouldn’t they have let someone else shoot free throws?  If you lose the game, Vinny, then it does not matter if Miller is available for a 2nd OT.  Get somebody in there that can see straight.

Hey, Vinny, one other thing while we have you — maybe you should double Paul Pierce?  Or at least have Salmons stand directly to his right so he cannot shoot THE SAME SHOT 18,922 times in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Frustration… Pop is probably regretting not unleashing George Hill a little earlier in this series.  He did not suffer from whatever ailed Roger Mason and Matt Bonner… Also, does R.C. Buford throw up in his mouth every time he sees a Luis Scola fist pump?… It is extremely hard for us to say this, but.  Um.  Well.  Watch… out… for… the.. [gulp]… Mavs?!?!?!?… But, FREE GERALD GREEN!!!!

Line Of The Night:

Stephon Marbury — 8 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

As if the Paul Peezy/K.G.-led Ceatles were not already fully backed by L.O.N., now they have an apparently motivated Starbury?  It is on now.  This is the final push they needed for us to fully back their Playoff campaign again this year.  Sorry, LeBron.  We will admit, however, the whole “3″ logo on his head is extremely awkward, at this point.

Starbury looked rusty for sure, but showed signs of his old self.  And while it is an easy joke to make, he legitimately looked like he was having problems with his shoes and/or footing.  Maybe he needs to at least step it up to the 34.99 Al Harrington Protege joints?

Worst Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls — 23 point loss (113-90) to the Wiz with President Obama court side

You are better than that, Chicago.  Word to Mark Jackson.  After meeting the President, who claims ya’ll as his favorite squad, and having him attend your game against the worst team in your conference?  Awful.  How awesome is the Obama part of this whole scenario, though?  Just imagine a L.O.N. logo with the Obama “O”, right now.  We like the direction of this administration already.

Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 22 boards, 21 points, 1 assist, 1 block

It has been a relatively quiet — or at least under the radar — season for Horford thus far.  After getting a lot of pub last year for being the dark horse R.O.Y. candidate, his understated game has slid into the shadows this year.  But not last night.  Although Miami’s position is far from the secure, this is a possible preview of the 4-5 first round playoff match up in the East.  It would be interesting to see if the Hawks’ team dynamic could out match the one Wade show in M-I-Yayo.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 20 assists, 9 points, 7 boards

A ridiculous night for Paul, but the real story was the Hornets completely blowing a 17-point lead with 4 minutes remaining, only to have Tyson Chandler make an amazing putback tip in the final seconds to secure the win.  There is some sort of mind-bending symmetry there, given the rescinded trade situation.  Don’t expect us to put it into words though.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers — 79 points vs. the Denver Nuggets

Sorry, give us the words “bad”, “Kobe Bryant”, and “Denver, and we only can think of one thing.  Go ahead, Google those 3 phrases, we’re not the only ones.  Then we start thinking Michael Vick and Charles Grant and hypocrisy and all types of thoughts that will ruin our Friday night if we expound.  So just go ahead and contract the Lakers and everything will be solved.  Thanks.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 boards, 12 points, 1 assist

Not as impressive as usual, considering the Lakers shot 29%!!!!!  Wow.

Shaqtastically Shaquisite Of The Night:

Shaqtus — 45 points, 11 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 block

Fun.  Smiles.  Joy.  Keep getting your Shaq on, Shaq.  Keep it Shaqqy.  The world is a better place with a Shaq like this.

With a talented team, it seems too easy to run up regular season wins using the patented D’Antoni style.  Doesn’t it make more sense to rack up those wins, get homecourt advantage, and roll the dice in the Playoffs, despite the forced change in style?  In retrospect, it seems crazier and crazier that the Suns broke up the nucleus.  If it was financial based, that is a whole other topic, but if it was a purely basketball decision, it was purely idiotic.

???? Of The Night:

Raymond Felton — 26 points, 9 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards, 1 block

Tough.  Gritty.  A winner.  You might raise your eyebrows at the last descriptor, given his career record, but that’s how we would describe Felton.  Is he the best shooter in the world?  Not at all.  The best playmaker?  No way.  Is his game smooth or pleasing to the eye?  Definitely not.  But do you want him on your team, “in the trenches” as they say?  Every.  Single.  Day.

The Bobcats took down a tough road win in the town where Oscar Grant’s ghost lingers, longing for justice, but not without making it interesting.  With the score tied, shot clock turned off and G-State in the bonus, Stephen Jackson took the inbounds pass and was immediately fouled intentionally by Boris Diaw?!?!?!  Somehow, Larry Brown kept his composure as Captain Jack hit both free throws.  But Diaw made it look like all part of the master plan.  Felton drove, kicked to Raja Bell, who swung it to Diaw for 3… splash.  Charlotte threw the ensuing inbounds pass directly out-of-bounds and it was almost a wrap, but not before infamous ref Bennett Salvatore made it a little more interesting by first declaring the pass had been deflected, before completely reversing field, with no consultation, and saying it was not deflected.  Guess he wanted to make that reservation after all.  And this was after one of his ref buds made a similar reversal a few plays back!  Another wild one in the Bay.

What’s that buzz you hear?  It is Detroit talk radio going nuts: “Rip starts and we win! Blah blah Iverson blah blah blah”… Coincidence that Rajon Rondo produced 17 assists during Marbury’s first game with the team?… Larry Hughes drops 25 in his best game thus far as a Knick.  FREE LARRY HUGHES!!!!… Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… Pops Mensah-Bonsu.  Consider that a warning…  Kid Cudi or Heartbreak Drake?  Pick your side now.  The Revolution is not kind to bystanders…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 33 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 7 steals

He one-man-showed this game.  Despite Jason Kidd going slot machine (7pts/7asts/7rebs), CP3, with little to no help, took the road win.  But when we found out LeBron (triple-double last night) is playing Paul on Friday, on ESPN, it all started to feel like a big conspiracy.

Beast Of The Night:

Brad Mizzle — 30 points, 22 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

A ridiculous effort in an absurd marathon of a game.  Nobody wanted to win, as Sacramento and G-State missed shot after shot, opportunity after opportunity in 3 overtimes!  Free basketball, playas and playettes.  Despite J-Creezy playing a full 5 quarters worth of action (60 minutes), the Warriors could not put this one away to fully complete their 4th quarter comeback.  After they lost 3 starters due to foul outs to Sactown’s 0, they just got out-manned.  This was the bottom-feeder Yin to the Lakers/Spurs Western Conference supremacy Yang, for sure.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Trailblazers — 79 points vs. Illadelph

Freeway actually wrote more verses last night than Portland scored points.  FREE MIX!

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Tim Duncan — 20 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Every time there’s “best player” in the league talk, there should at least be an obligatory throw in of “and don’t forget that old dog Tim Duncan, he’s still getting it done”, or something to that affect.  Although often a bogus award, when a guy whens the MVP two years running, he is generally in the mix for the “best player in the world” crown.  Duncan did that at his peak, producing these numbers:

01-02:  25.5 pts, 12.7 rebs, 3.7 asts, 2.5 blks in 40.6 mins
02-03:  23.3 pts, 12.9 rebs, 3.9 asts, 2.9 blks in 39.3 mins

Now check this year:

08-09:  20.4 pts, 10.1 rebs, 3.5 asts, 1.8 blks in 35.4 mins

Wow.  That is not much fall off.  Give him 5 more minutes a game, and it is even closer.  Is playing big minutes part of being the best player?  Yes.  Is there some decline?  For sure.  But should the boy get more love?  Definitely.  Just ask Kobe (Roger Mason… FOR THE WIN!!!).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 18 boards, 12 points, 4 blocks, 2 steals

It will never happen in a million years, but shouldn’t the Lakers trade Andrew Bynum for Marcus Camby?  Don’t the Lakers dream that Bynum might be half the player Camby is right now?  Last night Bynum snatched THREE rebounds in 35 minutes.  As your boy Ta-Nehisi Coates would say, weaksauce!

Warriors fans = awesome, in stark contrast to the simultaneously catacombesque Staples Center, which hosted the Clip Joint/Atlanta game last night… The Pistons with back-to-back MISSED buzzer-beaters.  A.I. on Tuesday, Rip on Wednesday.  So close… Looks like the Ceatles are back on track now, winning three in a row, including a little 32-point serving of smash time to Dirty Jers, last night… Nick Young = pure, raw, unadulterated, uncut, pristine, unblemished sugar cane offense… Anthony Randolph — get on the floor, young fella!… Anthony Parker needs to be on a contender.  That vicious fall-away baseline J needs to have an impact in the playoffs… Il Mago balling (career-high 31 points), T-Dot still losing.  What happens when Jermaine O’Neal comes back?…

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 29 points, 8 boards, 6 assists, 4 blocks, 3 steals

Friday night D-Wade could not get it done in the 4th.  Saturday night he got EVERYTHING done.  We are talking near 5×5 glory.  The highlight of his performance was for sure the blocks.  Two of them came against 7-foot rook Brook Lopez, with the best being a mano e mano, straight up and down manhood test.  Even the usual stoic Wade could not contain himself after that one, stopping mid-play to mean mug the sideline.  When he balls out like this, and the second leading scorer is Yakhouba Diawara, it is hard to knock the MVP talk.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 14 points, 2 blocks, 1 assist

About 6-7 years ago (ok, maybe even as few as three?), this man’s nickname in, umm, some circles was Gumby.  If we had told you back then he’d be the lone stalwart on a team hammered by injuries and suspension, or maybe if we had merely suggested he was still in the leg and not a convalescent home, you would have thought we were living in the Vortex of Crazy.  Well, welcome to Crazy Town — Ricky Davis welcomes you with open arms.

If only he could have managed 16 points, Mikey Dun-Dun’s Clips could have pulled out a win over the streaking Pistons.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 25 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal

And 1 loss vs. the Spurs on Saturday.  We were about to rant about the Other A.I. being regarded as less of a winner than even the other A.I.  Then we realized he is only 24, has a ridic game, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.  These gosh darn early entrants…

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs — 77 points. vs. The Wiz

Oh the irony.  DeShawn Stevenson doesn’t play, and his guys are able to knock off the over-rated LeBron James-led Cavs.  And also, LeBron… come on, playa.  Crab dribble?  That must Akron slang for 3 steps.

The worst part about all of this, with the Celtics falling on Sunday as well, is the raw and unadulterated Lakerness that will now be unleashed upon us all, as they now stand with the best record in the L.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Bonjour, Pau.  Je m’appelle Nicolas Batum.  I’m here to take your order.  Some crepes, perhaps?  Maybe les croissants?  Or how about this FRENCHIFIED EFFERVESCENCE ON YOUR KNOT!!!  PAU!!!!

Comeback Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 45 points, 6 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

Martin, still coming off the bench in his 3rd game back from injury, won the individual battle with Danny Granger (35 points) in a “Most Overlooked Star” shootout, but Granger’s Pacers took down the win.

Bring Back The Fist To Head Bump Of The Night:

Darius Miles — 2 minutes, 0 points, 0 blocks, 0 boards, 0 assists, 0 steals

In what bizarro world context does Darius Miles fit in on the Memphis Grizzlies roster?  In case you missed it, and you probably did, Miles got his first burn in a hot, hot minute on Sunday, playing the final minute plus in the Grizzlies surprise blowout of the visiting Mavs.  We love you D, and it’s a good look for you, but we are not sure what benefit Memphis gets out of this?  Of course, it could be that the organization has a grudge with Portland, who will be on the hook for the remaining 2 years and $18 million if Miles plays in 10 games.  And Busta Rhymes says:  “THERE’S ONLY 9 GAMES LEFT!!!!!!”

Mike Dunleavy Jr. broke out the Pacers-yellow sports coat.  Must have been a Christmas present from fellow Dookie Shane Battier, who has been rocking the Rocket-red coat all season, when injured… Just when we talk up the Bucks, they couldn’t complete the home-and-home sweep of the Bobcats, losing 102-92 in the second meeting… Speaking of back-to-backs, the Vinsanity could not be aroused on Saturday, as Vince missed a last second three, to tie, this time around… Beware the magic of Il Mago…

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We wish you a very L.O.N.nie New Year.  The NBA came hard on the first day of the ‘09 schedule.  David Stern’s New Year’s resolution must have been to provide the fan base with more buzzer-beaters.  The best one, by far, was the Baltimore/D.C. shootout between Kevin Durant and Melo.  Durant drained a bomb to put OKC on top, but left far too much time for Melo.  Desmond Mason gave him far too much room in the corner… and it was a wrap.

Line Of The Night:

Rodney Stuckey — 38 points, 7 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals

Yo, Sac-town, I’m 50 Cent.  What?  5 bullets.  38 points.  Millions of records sold.  Ball through the hoop, lead in mouth.  Yo, I’m 50 Cent.  Take a booze cruise and get the eff outta here.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 16 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 3 blocks, 2 steals

The Cavs remained undefeated at home, easily taking down the Bulls Friday night.  They did not miss a beat, despite Big Z missing the game due to an ankle injury.  He’s set to be out for about a month, but for at least one night, Sideshow Varejao showed he is capable of starting.  He dropped a career-high 26 on the somnambulant Bulls.  Nonetheless, the absence of Ilgauskas will take a little of the shimmer and shine off of next Friday’s C.C.’s on C’s battle for Eastern Conference supremacy, and may even cost the C.C.’s home court in the presumed Eastern Conference Finals.  The King probably would tell you differently, though.  He’s on his job.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 13 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Too $hort would say, “Get in where you fit in, fool.”  TV talking heads say it incessantly, but in a different (boring) way.  “What this guy has got to do is all the ‘other things’ when his shot is not falling.”  Well, all they have to do is verify it, when Johnson is the player with the crooked J.  Every time this dude is misfiring, it seems like he comes up with a triple-double-type effort — whatever it takes to win… or in Friday night’s case, almost win.  You see, he got trumped by a guy that COULD get his shot to fall.  Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity.  Clutch Vinsanity Glare.  Nets win in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 points, 19 points, 4 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Camby had over half the Clippers’ rebounds against the Suns.  That’s because the rest of the starting lineup was Al Thornton, Brian Skinner, Eric Gordon and Jason Hart.  If your team is fighting for Playoff position, you don’t want them playing a healthy Clippers squad in the last month of the season.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 18 boards, 15 points, 5 assists, 3 steals

Take this line with a grain of salt, considering Murphy achieved it after taking a grain of performance enhancing D’Antonicillin.  Jarrett Jack was the real star of the show, though, dropping 29 points, including the buzzer-beater for — SWOP! –the win.  How does T.J. Ford always find himself in this situation?  He’s a magnet for starting caliber backup point guards.  First Mo, then Calderon, now Jack.  We just want to see him lead a D’Antoni attack.  That’s eye-pleasing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Pop champagne and ring in a West Coast New Year’s.  Watch football all day New Year’s Day, drinking beer, while eating chips and vegetables with multiple dips, and topping it all off with chocolate cupcakes.  The L.O.N. New Year’s itinerary?  Almost.  The last couple days in review for the Blazers, Heat, Bobcats and Rockets?  Looks like it.  Come on.  Let’s contract the Contraction Club for the New Year.

Portland Trailblazers — 77 points vs. New Orleans

We understand Brandon Roy is still out with a hamstring injury… but a home loss like this?  And Tyson Chandler didn’t even play in the fourth after scuffling with the Przzzz.

Miami Heat — 76 points vs. Orlando Magic

This looked like a classic game hinging on a legendary D-Wade performance.  Well, hinge it did, but more like un-hinge.  The dark horse MVP candidate had 33 points, but exactly 0 of those came after the 5 minute mark in the third.  Da Drought Part 7, coupled with shooting gems from Mario Chalmers 1-11 and Hedo Turkoglu 1-14 made this an I Am Not Legend scenario.

Charlotte Bobcats — 75 points vs. Milwaukee

With the bottom half of the East dropping fast, and the Bucks approaching .500, it’s looking like they can start making spring plans to be on the court.  And does anyone else see an Orlando playoff collapse?  Can the Bucks upset the Magic in a 3-6 matchup?

Houston Rockets — 73 points vs. the T-Dot

The sight of Il Mago abusing Yao on the perimeter took all the fight out of the Rockets.  It was like magic.

Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… ‘Sheed reports that Aaron “Afflac” Afflalo “must have a tape worm”… After a clutch shot near the end of last night’s win, we were blessed with the A.I. skip!  Love it.  Detroiters probably due to, now that they have 5 straight wins… the 2008 Rap Up is here.  But can we get a C’s mention?  The Jayhawks?  Something?… In case you were wondering what Fred Jones has been doing up until the point he returned to the L with the Clip Joint, it involved concocting intricate facial hair looks…

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Granger Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 41 points, 11 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

That’s 3 in a row.  That may be a L.O.N. record.  Somebody get the resident Archivist on it.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 27 boards, 19 points, 4 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Awww, man.  What a wasted effort.  On the verge of a 4th straight victory, up 4 in the Chi, with about 20 seconds left… the Clippers happened.  Young rook Eric Gordon committed the unfathomable mistake of fouling namesake Ben Gordon on a 3.  Count it.  And-1.  Tie game.  While the Clip Joint surprisingly got a shot off (Dunleavy specializes in the end of game “no shot”), Al Thornton’s fadeaway baseline 20-footer was no good.  In OT, unimaginatively pounding the ball into Z-Bo, in the same spot, time after time ater time, eventually caught up with them, as the Bulls took the lead for good following two offensive fouls and an entry pass turnover.  Free Marcus Camby?

Playoff Intensity Of The Night:

Two games last night gave us a glimpse of spring, even in the heart(break) of the coldest winter.  It’s obviously impossible to generate legit playoff intensity this time of year, but sometimes old rivalries recall the ghosts of Playoffs past.  If that’s so, then let the Ceatles/Hawks be the haunting, and Spurs/Hornets the exorcism.  You see, sometimes the old spooks cannot be driven away (Ceatles 88, Hawks 85), and other times, demons from the past are cast out (Spurs 83, Hornets 90).

Contraction Club Of the Night:

Washington Wizards — 74 points vs. the Detroit Pistons

The ‘Stons quietly righting the ship?  Or a 3-game blip against 3 bad teams?

Minnesota T-Wolves — 70 points vs. the Cleveland Cavs

So bad they make the page melt.  So bad they don’t even make sense.  So bad they sense patty melts.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 35 points, 2 boards, 2 assists

The Ray Allen jump shot is still such a beautiful sight, event after all these years.  The Ceatles needed every last one of them against the Pacers, as this season’s giant killers almost struck again, before falling in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 22 points, 20 boards, 2 assists

The Suns used this effort to tough out a 2 point win over the Jazz.  Isn’t there a whole lotta complaining and bickering in Phoenix for a team that really isn’t in that bad of shape?

Kevin Garnett — 20 boards, 17 points, 5 steals, 4 assists, 1 block

One other note on the Boston OT win.  Why was the Indiana offense run through Rasho Nesterovic during OT?  Give it to Granger, already.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 14 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

This versatile Vinsanity voyage vaulted the Nets to victory over the Sixers.  With a winning record about a fourth of the way into the season… dare we mention the “P” word for Dirty Jerse?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 7 blocks, 3 assists, 2 steals

How a coach on a bad team that is going nowhere can survive a completely uninspired blowout loss at home to the Clippers is beyond us, in this day and age of the light speed spinning coaching carousel.  But as of the writing of this, Randy Wittman remains the captain of this long past sunken ship.  (Update:  Wittman out, Kevin McHale takes over).  In related news, a bit of a terrible team round robin tourney took place, with the Clip Joint visiting Memphis Friday, followed by Minnesota on Saturday.  We needed a Memphis/Minnesota matchup to truly set things off, but with a little middle school geometry, we can crown Minnesota as the second worst team in the West.  Congratulations.

David Lee — 19 boards, 12 points, 3 assists

Must be the new hairdo.  We’ll call it the fratboy mohawk.  Lee and the Knicks mauled the Pistons on Sunday, right from jump street.  Blame Iverson or Coach Curry?  The coach does not look like a good fit, to us, so far.  And his abrasive (although often true) interview comments, may not work well, for long.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Cleveland

The Cavs’ absolutely smothering D was on display, highlighted by 10 blocks, including one of LeBron’s now patented from-behind-layup blocks on Raymond Felton.  Cleveland has now won 8 straight games, all by double digits.  They are “in their bag”, currently, as Freeway might tell you.

Rookie Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 30 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Ok, dude is officially freed and can officially get it done on the NBA level, although he does still need to figure out how to reign it in a bit, out there.  While the Outlaws still lost to the Heat, it was only by 6, and almost has to count for something with a team this bad.  Maybe if Westbrook had lived up to his supposed defensive rep, and held D-Wade to less than 38, they might have actually pulled one out.

Interview Of The Night:

David Duchovny was interviewed at halftime of Sunday’s Knicks/Pistons game as part of a segment called “Gimme A Minute with Jill Martin”.  Pure comedy.  First, she messes up the air date when mentioning the season finale of his show, Californication.  No, wait, back up.  FIRST, there are the litany of “I bet he would like a minute with Jill Martin” jokes, given his sex addict status.  But we’ll let you fill in your own punchline with that situation.  Second, she asks if the show might move to a New York location, to which he politely replies, “It’s hard to shoot a show called Californication in New York.”  Awesome.  She doesn’t even bat an eye, though, before mentioning he used to be a “balla”… sounding completely ridiculous.  And just to add to the “what in the hell is going here?” factor, a wheelchair basketball game is going on in the background!  Amazing.

Bobby Brown with the rare 360 wrong-hand lay-up.  Interesting…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

A moment of silence for the end of the Death Ray Goggle Era… …and now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 33 points, 14 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Domination, baby (word to Method Man).  Yao put it on the Warriors Friday night, taking full advantage of his physical stature, drawing foul after foul after foul, and getting to the line 19 times.  He fouled out Andris Biedrins and Ronny Turiaf, and had Anthony Randolph, Stephen Jackson and Corey Maggette taking ridiculous turns at guarding him.  “Shrimp in the edifice!”, he cried all night long.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 23 boards, 21 points, 6 blocks

Oh, so Chris Wilcox, Johan Petro and Joe Smith can’t guard Howard?  OKC is still horrid under new coach Scotty Brooks, but definitely more entertaining with Russell Westbrook at the helm.  Let’s hope Earl Watson gets O.J.-time on the bench.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Blazers — 78 points vs. The Ceatles

Now THAT’s what a contender looks like, Portland.  And another moment of silence to hear all of the WAAAAY too easy jokes resulting from Big Baby Davis literally crying in the 4th quarter after KG gave him an ol’ ear whuppin’.  Come on, man.  Honestly?  Your nickname is Big Baby and you give us the classic cry face on national TV?

Indiana Pacers — 73 points vs. The LeBrons

The reward for upsetting the Lakers?  Smashtime the next two games courtesy of the Beasts Of The East:  Boston and Cleveland.

Clippers lucky to avoid this list… only a couple J.R. Smith-esque garbage time heaves from Boom Dizzle got the Clip Joint over 80.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 11 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

This is like an Old (present) Jason Kidd NTD.  Biggest disappointment of the night, though, was provided by LeBron, but through no fault of his own.  During the Boston/Portland broadcast, the halftime host said something like “stay tuned at halftime for one of the best LeBron dunks ever”.  A nice dunk, sure, but maybe not in LeBron’s top 50.

An honorable mention to Paul Millsap, of all people.  He’s a five-star general in the double-double world, but triples?  He approached “near” status, but fell 1 dime short.  Wow.

Status Quo Of The Night:

Welcome to the NBA, Jay Triano!  Toronto’s new coach, faced with the unenviable task of going into the hardest arena to visit in the League, took a 27-point L.  Somewhere, Sam Mitchell was laughing at his suit.  And wishing he had that Vince Carter locker room scuffle on video.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

“Have some of this hot, Queens, quinoa, Ronny!”, said Ron Artest.

Actual quote from a Wizards announcer the other day, following a drive and lay-up by Portland’s Steve Blake:  “Steve Blake… unstoppable”  Um, really?… Kevin Ollie is not the answer… If you felt an extreme sense of peace and ease for a brief moment Thursday night, we know the reason.  For a few beautiful seconds, J.R. Smith dribbled in the corner, guarded by Manu Ginobili, and then executed a beautiful behind-the-back dribble move.  All was right in the world of L.O.N. with those two going head-to-head… Marvin Williams — that’s American for good, solid basketball… Does Jermaine O’Neal’s knee brace have hydraulics?  It definitely has candy paint.   Wood grain?…  Can we get an Avery Johnson/Bill Walton Christmas duets album?  Awesome…