L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Earl Watson — 26 points, 9 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals, 1 alien head

We hate on this guy so much, but we have to him give credit when credit is due. Watson has been on fire in February, and it’s even resulted in a few Sonics victories. Last night, they didn’t even have Kevin Durant, who was out with the flu, and won, albeit against fellow cellar-dwellar, Memphis.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

What? You thought this was going to be about the trade?

LeBron James — 26 points, 13 boards, 11 assists, 2 steals

The King does not care who surrounds him, All-Stars, Cavs, whatever; he is putting up all-around stats regardless. However, the scoreboard does care, as the full stat sheet did not a win get. When you go from from Kidd and D-Wade to Larry Hughes and Ira Newble in your back court, the wins are tougher. One other thing that is immediately obvious when looking at a Cavs box score — Danny Ferry LOVES Rich Boy. Drew Gooden, Donyell Marshall, Daniel Gibson, Damon Jones and Dwayne Jones? THROW SOME D‘S ON THAT TEAM!

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Oh, so you thought THIS one would be about the trade?

Marcus Camby — 13 boards, 11 points, 9 blocks, 3 assists, 3 steals

Camby gets copious amount of L.O.N. love, whether he’s beasting it, or J-Kidding it. This effort came in the game of the night, a 124-118 Denver victory over Boston, in K.G.’s return to the court. Camby stuffed the stat sheet, but the block that would have given him the full triple-double? EAT YOUR BREAKAST!!!!, c/o Paul Peezy.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats, 65 vs. the San Antonio Spurs.

The Bobcats really used the All-Star break to recharge, re-energize, and come back for a strong stretch run! Um… not quite. For awhile it appeared both squads would be contraction eligible, but Old Man Finley turned it on and the Spurs at least managed 85. Put this game at the end of The Departed… dome shot, please.

Trade Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs get:

Jason Kidd
Antoine Wright
Malik Allen

Dirty Jerse Nets get:

Devin Harris
Desagana Diop
Trenton Hassell
Maurice Ager
Keith Van Horn
2008 First Round Pick
2010 First Round Pick
$3 million in cash

Finally. It’s done. We can move on. With all of the incessant coverage of this on-again-off-again trade, we won’t bore you with too much analysis. We’ll just say that in our eyes, this is just as questionable, scheme-wise, as the Shaq deal. And two more words: Erick Dampier. Oh yeah… and they still Dirk “Fold-up Chair” Nowitzki.

You Know When They Said That? When I Was Back Home Of The Night:

An interesting sub-plot of several of the recent NBA trades is the fact that players involved have been returning to the teams with which they started their NBA teams. Chris Webber is now back in Golden State, with even the same coach, in Don Nelson. Jason Kidd is back in Dallas, where he won Co-Rookie Of The Year (word to Grant Hill). These two both had volatile runs the first time around. Nellie knows C-Webb probably doesn’t have the juice any more to create a franchise-splitting rift, but there is no word of Toni Braxton’s whereabouts, and if she could possibly get herself involved in a Kidd/Nowitzki love triangle.

A couple of other guys returning to their NBA roots do not have major roles now, but definitely did way back when. Anthony Johnson will most likely continue his journeyman career following this stint with the Kings, but the last time he was in Sactown, 97-98, he was one of the most surprising rookies in the League, starting most of the year and averaging what is still a career-high for him, 29.4 minutes per game. Meanwhile, Keith Van Horn is returning to his Dirty Jerse stomping grounds, although it remains to be seen how much high-socked terror he will be able to unleash in the Izod Zone. But if you’re looking for some comfortable and, uh, soft clothes to wear… head to Jersey. We hear Van Horn and Vince Carter, AKA The Tissue Twins, are coming out with a new lounge wear line… or maybe they’ll be Victoria’s Secret “Pink” models!

The Boston/Denver game had another EAT YOUR BREAKFAST moment, when Carmelo went baseline and served breakfast for two to Big Baby Davis and Tony Allen!… Rajon Rondo, meanwhile, perhaps buying into his baby-face-ness, went smaaaaaaaaaaaaash time on some kid sitting court side, eating Dippin’ Dots. Elbow to the domepiece and the kid’s shoulder/elbow area. It makes us sick to see some spoiled brat sitting front row and not even paying attention to one of the better match-ups in the League… The Knicks turning point, perhaps? A heated exchange took place in the final regulation huddle of the Knicks/Wiz game, involving Q-Rich and Zach Randolph, while seemingly aimed at Nate Robinson. It worked, as they stopped Antonio Daniels’ final shot, and then kilt ‘em in OT…

Another outstanding All-Star Weekend — L.O.N.’s favorite time of year.  We hate to see it end.

Line Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks, 1 All-Star Game MVP Award

2 All-Star Game MVP awards at the age of 23?  Sick.  Ray Allen made a huge push for this award, going crazy from 3 in the 4th quarter to end up with 28 points.  However, in the final minute with the game’s outcome in the balance, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST happened!  LeBron served some delicious sauerkraut right in Dirk’s Mouth!  Wow.  Nowitzki is so worthless… step up!

Worst Of The Night:

This is a tie between Mr. Cryant and Reggie Miller.  Kobe hit us with a quick strike of awfulness, while Reggie Miller waged a long, hard-fought, campaign!  The Mailroom Supervisor sums up our Reggie feelings, a little later on.  As for Kobe, thanks for uselessly taking up a roster spot to play only 3 minutes with your stupid, messed up finger.  In one of the deepest potential All-Star classes in memory, Kobe had to waste a roster spot and make it all about him, parading around answering questions about his injury and gleefully showcasing his wrapped hand on the bench.

Boooooooooooooo-riiiiiiiiing Of The Night:

How boring were the marginal West selections?  When you’re practically forced to take Yao Ming, Tim Duncan and Nowitzki each year on the roster, you are already starting a little high on boring All-Stars meter.  Outstanding players (well, not Dirk, ha!), but just not fun guys to have in the All-Star game — Yao’s three’s and Duncan’s jokes (and three’s as well) notwithstanding.  So when you’re starting with that kind of disadvantage, can you please not force us to stomach Carlos Boozer, David West and Brandon Roy (that no-way-in-hell oop he attempted is Exhibit A)?  Come on.  Give us Boom Dizzle, Manu Ginobili, and Deron Williams!  Free Stephen Jackson.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The NIght:

Chris Paul for being “a home team hero and not throwing up despite his nerves and being super-cute”

Runner-up for H.O.N.nie?  Ernie Johnson — for “having to deal with Charles Barkley and for saying ’spanked’ on national television”.

The MRSV’s N.O.T.tie Of The Night

Straight from the MRSV:  “Shut up, already, Reggie!  Not only are you ugly, but your voice sucks and your brain is stupid.”

Yikes.  We can’t argue with that.

Fashion Review Of The Night:

TNT did a particularly poor job of celebrity spotting and player shoe coverage, but we scoped what we could.

We loved the uniforms and the warm-ups, especially the West’s.  A lot of people were hating on the double-sided unis, but we were feeling ‘em.  Our favorite detail were the logos of past All-Star weekends on player’s warm-ups who had been on multiple teams.

Magic Johnson had on a nice gray and purple (the color of the weekend, it seemed) suit/tie combo.  His problem is that he’s getting a little too big for any suit to look right on him.

Harry Connick, Jr. really wanted to stand out, as he rocked neon-brown (yes, neon-brown!  At least when contrasted by his all black suit/shirt/tie) dress shoes.  Special All-Star editions, perhaps?  Were they stitched with H-Conn-JR?

Just in case a picnic broke out, assistant coach Darrell Walker was prepared, dipped out in an orange and blue table cloth.

On the court, Carmelo had a whole lot of leg stuff going on: red socks, white calf covers, and various other stuff.

As we mentioned, shoe coverage was minimal.  A big deal was made of Chris Paul’s dual-allegiance, though.  In the first half he wore the new Jordan XXIII’s (as did Melo), while in the second half he switched to his first signature shoe, which bore tributes to his deceased grandfather as well as his college coach, Skip Prosser.

Craig Sager also interviewed Steve Nash about his dogs, which were covered in shoes made from 100% recycled material.  However, the highlight of that exchange was Nash snatching Sager’s handkerchief, blowing his nose in it, and placing it back in Craig’s suit pocket!  Boom.

We also noticed LeBron, in an All-Star edition of his signature line, colored blue and gray like the East unis, as well as Iditarod with shiny gold feet.  No word if those meet official Iditarod racing specifications.

Non-MVP, MVP Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 16 points, 14 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards

The MVP winner almost always hinges on the outcome of the game, and this year’s award was no different.  If the West had come all the way back, hometown hero Chris Paul would have been the man.  He took over in the 4th, just like he does back on his Hornets squad.  It’s a beautiful thing when a point guard dominates a game.  It’s like he’s a puppet master controlling each of the other 9 guys on the court.  His size and abilities are similar to what might happen if you took Allen Iverson’s body, cut off half his brain, and put half of Steve Nash’s brain in.  Steven Ivasherson.  l Get used to this dude runnin’ thangs in mid-February for years to come.

Big Men Shooting 3’s Of The Night:

It’s become a time-honored All-Star tradition; big men, finally unbridled, step out for an attempt at a little 3-point glory.  There was more glory than usual this year, as Yao (0-2), Amare (1-2), Duncan (0-1, and he had another, just toeing the line that he banked in ON PURPOSE), and Rasheed Wallace (1-5, mostly left-handed!) were all in the mix.  Commentator Doug Collins even joked about it, suggesting coach Byron Scott was inserting Yao back into the lineup for his needed 3-point touch.  The moral of the story (word to Saigon) though?  ‘Sheed’s left-handed long-range gun is more potent than almost every other big man shooting with their strong hand!

D-Wade Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 14 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

At one point, after a Wade miscue, the L.O.N. C.E.O. jokingly said that D-Wade is “over-the-hill”, but actually, had some of the more entertaining highlights on the night.  First, he took Big Dirk to the hole, bringing back memories of the Heat/Mavs Finals.  Then, in the third quarter, he came with the Jordanesque, back-to-the-basket, wrist-slap, over-head-flip-shot, and-1!  Beautiful.  Finally, he sealed the game by STUFFING Big Dirk at the 3-point line!  Jeez… Big Dirk gets absolutely and consistently abused when surrounded by great players.

David West the only player to have his name on the front AND back of this jersey.  WEST on WEST, FOOLS!  It almost makes us want another Westside Connection album, just so they can all rock that jersey in the video…  TNT’s new backboard stat pop-out is weird and unnecessary, but we like it… Steve Nash needs to shoot more in the regular season games… Jason Kidd guarded Dirk at one point.  Oh the intrigue!… Nashty assists a Dirk turnaround.  Oh the memories!… Is Nash going to develop a jealous rage against Kidd?  Or LeBron vs. Dirk?  This week, on “As The Aging Unloaded Star Turns”… Stop calling fouls, refs!… The Nash/Paul back court was AWESOME… Gotta love the triple-alley-oop, featured as #3 in this countdown… Amare served Dwight Howard some scrumptious breakfast.  #2 in that same video…

Line Of The Night:

Boobie Gibson — 33 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 11-20 from downtown, 1 Rookie Game MVP

Yeah, that’s right, 20 shots, all from behind the 3-point line! And most of them right in front of this biggest fan, or at least the most famous, LeBron James, who was sitting court side. He’s about to mess around and pigeonhole himself. Seven of these came in the first half, as the Sophomores took the lead for good, coming away with the 6th straight win for the 2nd-year guys. Time for another format change, maybe?

Play Of The Night:

No doubt about this. Sean Williams, for the rookie squad, came with an All-Star game favorite — the “throw it off the board to your self” slam. The dribbling and passing came as a little bit of a surprise from Andre Three-thou… er, Williams, as it usually comes from the more wing-type players. We also found out that Williams loves to throw up various hand signals, and seems to be a member of the Drew Gooden-”head”ed “All-Airhead” team. Goofball.

Beating Up On The Neighborhood Kids Of The Night:

Terrell Owens — 18 points and the celebrity game MVP

Despite showing up late, Owens dominated this game, as a man in his athletic prime playing against out-of-shape celebrities should! It was ridiculous, as he clearly had everybody out-matched. T.O. even dunked it, CONVINCINGLY! Teammate Master P’s clutch free throws helped earn their squad the win, locking up the award for Owens. But seriously, was this even fair? The WNBA pros simply go through the motions, letting the celebs compete and enjoy themselves. T.O. was having that, saying “I crush you cock-a-roaches”.

Worst Of The Night:

The overall feel of the Celebrity Game. We blame ESPN for this. We understand a celebrity game isn’t the biggest draw in the world, but MTV Rock-N-Jock used to do it well. ESPN turns it into an absolute train wreck. How is it a good idea to turn a huge chunk of the broadcast into a cooking show? There is probably a way to do that well, but that was not it. Then Carmelo, who apparently doesn’t have a single musical bone in his body, is invited into an attempt at a Jazz duet? And what in the haaa-yell was that tarot card reader? Amare Stoudemire could not even attempt to take that nut bag seriously! That was wild.

But the worst part every year is the attempt to make the announcers and reporters into the stars. Ya’ll ain’t got Charles and Kenny. Looks like even Greg Anthony and Tim Legler have refused to participate in these ridiculousness. As B or C-List as many of the celebrity participants may be, their Q-ratings are 1,000 times greater than Ric Bucher. Ric Bucher? Please. If he’s not telling us which ball Kobe scratched first when he woke up this morning, then we don’t want to hear it. Um… scratch that. Just shut the hell up on all occasions.

They missed out on a close game, but how could anyone watching be expected to get into it with all the ridiculous sideshows. The players tried to take it seriously, despite the surrounding circus, and the 1-point margin of victory will most likely result in the most competitive game of the weekend. Common got hacked!

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Charles Barkley needs to stop the hate crimes on Kevin Durant. He had the nerve to say that of all the players on the court for the Rookie Challenge, if he could only pick 1 to start a franchise, he would pick in the following order: 1) Brandon Roy, 2) Al Horford, 3) Yi Jianlian. The Chuckster done lost his mind. We totally disagree, but we understand the Roy and Horford arguments. However, hopefully by now you’ve seen the glaring omission from this list — KEVIN DURANT!!!!!!!!! Barkley was ranting about how one-dimensional was, while on the court, Durant was balling out, dropping dimes, blocking shots and rebounding. His regular season stats don’t show it yet, but this young cat is crazy versatile. If we could have Durant OR all of those 3, we’d still take KD — he’s gonna be that good. Jianlian? Come on, Chuck. At least Kenny called him out on it, a little.

Player Most Respected In The Huddle Of The Night:

In the celebrity game, Chris Tucker was bombing 3’s like it was Rush Hour 99. Dude had zero conscience. He hit three 3’s, two off glass! He absolutely did not care. His jump shot was so ugly that FEMA had to be called (and didn’t come) to New Orleans, AGAIN! Disgusting. So going into the last possession, with his squad down one, his teammate, Floyd Mayweather, said something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot no 3 this time!”, with a menacing look and tone. Comedy. They came out and you can be damn sure Tucker did not fire, even though he received the inbounds pass! Classic. He couldn’t WAIT to pass.

Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Straight from the MRSV mouth: “Al Horford for rocking that mouth guard to protect the pearly whites.” Charles Barkley agrees, we’re sure. Can you say “man crush”?

Fashion Review Of The Night:

We’re not even sure what to say about the celebrity uniforms. Purple, blue and teal argyle? Those joints were horrible. At least the purple with gold shine warm-up t’s were kinda hot.

Kevin Durant debuted his new shoes, which are solid neon, Oregon Duck yellow. In fact, as Craig Sager interviewed Durant prior to the game, the camera panned down and the Earth was nearly split to the core from the color explosion unleashed by KD’s dogs on the same screen as Sager’s shiny Easter Egg pastel purple dress shoes!

The veteran players sitting sideline at the Rookie Challenge always come dressed to impress, and this year was no exception. LeBron was sitting with K.G., and each brought their own unique style. The L.O.N. offices disagreed on who was stylin’ on who. The MRSV preferred Garnett’s patented, preppy sweater over collared-shirt look, while the C.E.O. was feeling LeBron’s urban casual, as he rocked a multi-colored (possibly a tribute to his high school colors — green and gold) leather coat, jeans, and matching A-1’s. The King also had an interesting, relatively subtle double-pendant chain. Chris Paul followed The Kid’s lead, as he had on his own neon-yellow sweater (is neon yellow the new black?), but his accessory was a fat wad of hundreds that he pulled out to pay for his court side refreshments! And despite not being a part of the main event for the first time in ages, Big Shaq was on hand looking distinguished in one of his trademark suits.

Worst dressed? Sorry, but it had to be Carmelo Anthony. In attendance with his wife, LaLa Vazquez, Melo rocked a Valentine’s Day-themed ensemble featuring a red leather coat and a baseball hat with a big heart on it. That might sound bad, but he actually could’ve pulled it off… if it had been V-Day! That was yesterday, homey.

Tony Parker wins NBA Live tourney at EA Sports party… Andrea Bargnani came out aggressive, but then disappeared for the rest of the game. Sam Mitchell was like, “Now, there’s my guy!”… Common, with the baldy and just the way he plays, is officially the Jason Kidd of the celebrity circuit… One Tree Hill’s James Lafferty was possible the best non-professional player in the celeb game, but they wouldn’t give him the ball enough… Gangsta rap fans everywhere celebrated as Master P rolled on Common! Ha… Was Terry Crews in The Mitchell Report? He came out muscled-down and shouting like a crazy man. Then during a break, he showed ridiculous dance moves. Who knew he was the poor-man’s Jamie Foxx? AKA the most talented man in Hollywood?… The kids at the Rookie Game were like European futbol fans, just screaming for no reason, constantly… Sorry, Paul Millsap, please respectfully decline all future All-Star-type invites. It’s just not your scene, playa… FREE AL THORNTON!

14 NBA games!  At 6:11 PM Pacific, as the Suns and Warriors tipped off, 12 of those were going simultaneously!  A true NBA head’s dream.

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 16 boards, 10 assists, 10 points, 1 steal

When L-Eezy goes Oscar Robertson on ‘em, it embodies the pure essence of L.O.N.  He’s the official player of this enterprise, and we live for the versatility and overall excellence required for this statistical achievement.  Inspired.

Honorable Mention L.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili — 46 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 block on 15-20 shooting

The Chuckster’s favorite went LeBron James ON James’ Cavs, completely taking over in the 4th quarter;  dude was hotter than the Argentinian Tango.  Spurs win, on the road — it’s the Rodeo Show.  The West needs to invoke the “Pistons Rule” and put this man on the All-Star team.  He is surely penalized for being on such a good team and not getting a chance to routinely put up these types of numbers.  There are 12 better players in the West?  Are there 12 better players in the LEAGUE?!?!?

Beasts Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 boards, 23 points, 3 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

The definition of.  Just one game after his coach, Stan Van Gundy, publicly called him out for his lack of effort on D and the boards, D-Ho put it DOWN on D and the boards!  Well, it was either that, or he is extremely P-O’ed that the NBA powers that be will not allow him to raise a goal to 12 feet during this weekend’s dunk contest.  Come on commish, drink some kool-aid and have a Soft Baked cookie!  Have some fun!

Emeka Okafor — 21 boards, 20 points, 5 blocks

Okafor joined his 2004 draft mate in 20/20 land last night, showing why they went 1-2 that year.

Triple-Double Part II Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer — 22 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 5 steals

Iditarod’s first career Fat Lever came against the hapless Sonics.  Usually it’s the dime-drops that hold him down, but he had it all working tonight.  Maybe it was just Earl Watson’s aura rubbing off on him, as Alien Head had 14 assists!

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 29 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

Quietly the 76ers are 23-30 and positioning themselves for a run at the Loser’s Bracket of this year’s NBA Playoffs.  Iggy is gonna start wanting some All-Star-type love if the Sixers are a playoff team.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Trailblazers, 76 vs. the Dallas Mavericks

Wow.  Is any team looking forward to All-Star break more?  The rest of the L caught up to this early season juggernaut.  They need to regroup in a real way after limping into the All-Star break.

And how ’bout dem Mavs?  With a Jason Kidd deal seemingly all but completed, there had to be mixed emotions in that locker room.  But when two of the key components (Desagana Diop and Devean George) came out in played in the game, something seemed amiss.  Then word broke that Devean George (hold on — he’s still alive?  he’s still in the league?) has some sort of trade blocker that he pulled and the deal is off!  That would seem to be turmoil, friends.  After all, Jerry Stackhouse thought he was in store for a 30 day vacation (reports had him being waived by Dirty Jerse, waiting the mandatory month, and re-signing with the Cubans)!  Madness.  George put on a stellar performance, with 0 points on 0-11 shooting in 33 minutes, but the capos stepped up.  Dirk and the Jet rallied this team for a game during which no one would have faulted the guys for having their heads elsewhere.  A beat down ensued.

Are Ya’ll Gon’ Eh-vuh Fall Off? Of The Night:

Young Pistons:

Amir Johnson — 9 boards, 8 points, 7 blocks, 1 steal, 1 assist

Rodney Stuckey — 12 points, 5 assists, 3 boards

Jason Maxiell — 11 points, 11 boards, 2 blocks

The next generation, but they are here NOW.  This ain’t your momma’s 6-man rotation Pistons.  These cats is deep.  Most talented Pistons squad of the current contending run?

It’s Me, Bitches!!! Of The Night:

Steve Novak — 1 quarter, 7 minutes, 3 points, 2 shots, 1 board

3 points on 1 made basket — a buzzer-beater.  And it was the perfect salve for a nightmare 4th quarter, for the Rockets.  Up 14 heading into the final period, they couldn’t hit a damn thing.  Ron Artest went Jay-Z, Takeover, for the Kings, leading them all the way back to an apparent victory.  Then Novak happened.  89-87, Rockets win.  That’s 8 in a row, and 12 of the last 13.

We saw 5 technical foul shots taken, and 5 missed.  1 by Derek Fisher, 2 by Melo, 1 by Rashad McCants, and 1 by Steve Blake… Tiger Woods in the house for the Orlando/Denver game… Seen at tattoo parlor with Melo and AI, earlier in the day!  Ha… Shaq has officially moved from the home sky box to the road bench, in a suit.  Stay tuned for his debut… The Boom Dizzle step back J is so beautiful… There is absolutely NOTHING intimidating about Charlotte’s “LET’S GO CATS!” chant!  Except to the Hawks, we guess, who folded in the 4th like Dirk in Oakland… What a tough loss for the Clippers on a late offensive rebound tip by Antawn Jamison.  It was over Corey Maggette, so Carolina got a little getback on Duke…

Line Of The Night AKA 40/40 Club Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 41 points, 3 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Golden State just doesn’t play well until they get behind or are considered the underdogs. At home vs. the Wiz, they had to get themselves down by 23 in the first half before they could really turn it on. It’s probably not so for Nellie, but it’s hella entertaining for us. Please let this team be in playoffs! Captain Jack’s will alone, should get them there. He put up this monster night playing on a noticeably sore sprained ankle.

Larry Hughes — 40 points, 6 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Ah this brings back memories of the glory days, of his time in Golden State and Washington, when he carried the Revolutionary flag with pride. We’d love if he could bring this back for good, and so would LeBron.

Worst Of The Night:

During last night’s Bucks/Clip Joint game, the Milwaukee announcers had a 10 minute off-and-on discussion about whether or not Andrew Bogut is left-handed (he’s not)! Yes, the BUCKS announcers — the ones that have now watched Bogut play HUNDREDS of games! The color guy was being polite, but seemed to think the play-by-play guy had gone crazy while arguing this point. That asshole finally admitted to brain freeze, but not before the audience had all stuck sharp objects in their own brains.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs, 76 vs. Philly

That’s just disgusting. A loss at Philly by a supposed contender? That’s two disgusting losses to Eastern Conference lowlifes in 2 nights. Oh, sorry, that’s two Eastern Conference playoff contenders!

PAU! Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 26 points, 6 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks

Wow. Pau helped lead the Lakers to this win in Charlotte, taking them to 6-2 on their current East Coast swing. It’s one thing to beat up on those guys though. It remains to be seen what happens when he and the Lake Show face the likes of Tim Duncan, Yao Ming and the other West Coast pivots.

Jerry Buss chops super-satellite to L.A. Poker Classic main event 4-ways while drinking cheap casino wine and enjoying the company of a, um, YOUNGER lady… Black unis only, please, on the road, Blazers… ‘Sheed Wallace to replace KG on the All-Star game, but he’s not happy about it…

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol 02/05 vs. Dirty Jerse — 24 points, 12 boards, 4 assists, 1 steal

Wow.  It’s like that?  Pau was like, “PAU!  I’m here!”  No easing into the line-up for this cat, just straight gangsta in his first appearance.  The Lakers have such a sick team now, and the Nets got familiar with it in a 105-90 loss.

Triple-Double Of The Night:

Hedo Turkoglu 02/04 vs. Dallas — 13 points, 13 assists, 12 boards

A nice all-around game from one of this year’s candidates for most-improved player, but he shot a rough 4-14 from the field. The Magic lost this one by 9 to the Mavs, so what they really needed was a better scoring night from Hedo.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Josh Smith 02/04 vs. Philly — 19 points, 9 blocks, 9 assists, 6 boards, 4 steals

Ahh… one more steal Josh!  Give us the coveted 5×5!  The blocks were a huge momentum changer, as the Hawks trailed by 20 early in the game before Smith blocked 6 shots in the 2nd quarter, leading a comeback.  The Hawks went on to win the game.  Excuse us, the currently PLAYOFF-BOUND Hawks went on to win the game.

Jarrett Jack 02/04 vs. Denver — 17 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

Jack never appears to be the most athletic or most talented cat on the court, but you almost always feel his impact.  He battles, he leads his teammates — he’s the glue, heart-and-soul type.  And every now and then, he’ll even put up stats like these.  Portland lost this one in OT to Denver, but don’t blame Jack.

LeBron James 02/05 vs. Boston — 33 points, 12 assists, 9 boards, 5 steals, 2 blocks

With no KG, the significance of this game was slightly lessened, but you couldn’t tell that from the King’s effort.

Ay Yo That Kid Is Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Of The Night:

Al Jefferson 02/04 vs. Houston — 33 points, 16 boards, 3 blocks, 3 steals, 2 assists

The T-Wolves continue to mostly lose, but Jefferson has definitely proven he was worthy of being the main piece traded for KG.  Now those other fellas need to get to provin’!

PG PWNage Of The Night:

Deron Williams — 29 points, 11 assists, 3 boards, 1 steal

Chris Paul — 6 points, 6 assists, 4 boards, 1 steal

Hmm… so which one is the All-Star, again?  On Monday, Williams won the one-on-one match-up, and Utah handily won the game 110-88!  Daaaaaaamn.  Utah is the hottest team in the game, ya’ll.

Trade Of The Night:

If the rumors are correct, the NBA is about to get turned on it’s head.  Shaqalicious to the Suns for Shawn Marion?  Wild.  The deal seems to make absolutely no sense for the Suns so the deal and it’s aftermath will be heavily scrutinized.  Our biggest question is Shaq’s health.  No doubt he’ll be motivated, but it won’t matter if his body ain’t working.

Advertising Glory Of The Night:

We can’t get enough of the two latest T-Moble Barkley/D-Wade ads.  Check the full review here.

T.J. Ford back in the hizzle.  Good to see you, playa… Corey Maggette 489 FGAs, Tim Thomas 468… Think San Antonio regrets that Luis Scola deal?  He is fitting in nicely in Houston… Damon Stoudamire steps right into the Spurs’ starting line-up, filling in for the injured Tony Parker…

Line Of The Night AKA Beast Of The Night:

Brad Miller — 22 points, 20 boards, 4 assists, 4 steals, 2 blocks

We see a player of the week award in this man’s future.  He has been dominating the post for the Kings lately, perhaps playing the best basketball of his career.  It was no different in last night’s win over the Bulls.  B-MEEZY!!!  Can the Kings lock up that 10th seed out West?  Can they be the 11th Western Conference team with a .500+ record?

Yao/Yi II Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 12 points, 12 boards, 3 blocks, 2 assists

Yi Jianlian — 7 boards, 6 points on 1-10 shooting, 2 assists, 1 block

In a clunker of a game, watched by 100 million+ people, both of the main attractions struggled.  Houston won 91-83, largely due to that OTHER guy — Tracy McGradles.  T-Mac went for an All-Star-like 33/11/6/1/1, despite the fact he will miss All-Star weekend for the first time since 2000.  Interesting fact about this match-up, beyond it’s Chinese implications?  When these two teams get together, 6 continents are represented:  Africa — Dikembe Mutombo, Asia — Yao and Yi, Australia — Andrew Bogut, Europe — Dan Gadzuric, North America — Everyone else, and South America — Luis Scola.  Global game for reals, son.

Shut Up Of The Night:

Before the Yao/Yi II, the Houston coaching staff erroneously placed Mike James on the active list twice, accidentally leaving Milwaukee hometown hero, Steve Novak, off the active list.  The fact that this was the second time a visiting team to Brew City had committed such an error, coupled with Novak’s hometown status, this was a newsworthy item — worth mentioning once at the start of the contest, and maybe again later in the game.  3.89 billion mentions?  HELL NO.  SHUT UP, already!  The announcers kept harping on it, over and over and over and over again.  Dude averages 9.3 minutes in 7 games!  NON-FACTOR.  Give it a rest.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs 67 points on Super Bowl Sunday vs. Detroit

Wow.  What were the Mavs doing Saturday night in the D?  Partying and setting off fireworks at Jerry Stackhouse’s lake-side house?  Maybe a trip across the Ambassador Bridge to lovely Windsor?  Whatever it was, they were still hungover for this afternoon match-up.  Maybe they just REALLY want Jason Kidd as a teammate, so they decided to go into a teenager-like sulk.

Trade Of The Night:

Lakers get:

Pau Gasol
2010 2nd Round Draft Pick

Grizzlies get:

Kwame Brown and his expiring contract
Jarvaris Crittenton
Aaron McKie (soon to be released)
The rights to Marc Gasol
2008 1st Round Draft Pick
2010 1st Round Draft Pick
Cash consideration

Wow.  Where did this come from?  Gasol’s name hadn’t been at the top of the headlines lately, as far as stars getting moved, and then this happens?  The Lakers have officially declared themselves as top contenders now, by acquiring an All-Star-type player without giving up ANY current contributors (GOOD contributors, at least… Kwame is probably addition by subtraction).  When Andrew Bynum returns from injury, they can trot out a lineup that can match ANYONE in talent:  Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, Pau Gasol, and Andrew Bynum.  That is scary for the rest of the L.  It’s even scarier for fantasy owners, as Odom, Gasol and Bynum all probably take a hit, but we all know that no amount of surrounding talent in the world can hold Cryant down from getting his!

As for Grizz?  Straight business, homey.  This is all about clearing cap space and creating future flexibility.  The odd part is that Gasol is a REAL talent.  The Lakers’ 1st rounders are going to be late 1st-round picks, so the Grizz are unlikely to find another Gasol… unless you count his brother, Marc.  In our opinion the Grizz already had a nice foundation with Gasol, Miller and their young point guards.  We ain’t up on their accounting books, though.

Damon Stoudamire signs with the Spurs… Earl Boykins signs with the Bobcats… Physicals still not completed, Gasol yet to make debut.  Maybe Grizz GM Chris Wallace should be required to take a mental exam?… Although his stats haven’t been overly impressive, with Jameer Nelson out with an injury, Carlos Arroyo has led the Magic to a 7-1 record over the last 8…

Line Of The Night AKA The 40/40/40 Club Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 9 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals

The King scored a little more than a third of these in the 4th, to hold off an attempted Laker comeback.  A nice road win for the Cavs.

Caron Butler — 40 points, 8 boards, 5 steals, 2 assists

Milwaukee tried as hard as they could to blow this one to Butler’s Wizards.  They allowed OT, despite an 11 point lead at the 1:32 mark in the 4th quarter.  Butler continues to be one of the most overlooked stars in the L.  Word to McDonald’s straws.

Al Jefferson — 40 points, 19 boards, 3 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Even with this Herculean effort, the T-Wolves still barely beat the hapless Nets by 3.

Beast Of The Night:

Andris Biedrins — 26 boards, 11 points, 2 assists

If a tree falls in the woods… If your stats come against the Knicks, do they really count?  If basketballs were covered in cupcake icing, would Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph come to blows on each round opportunity?  If basketballs smelled like cheeseburgers, would E-City and Z-Bo physically threaten teammates into missing shots on purpose?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 77 vs. Phoenix.

Wow… it’s not unheard of for teams to have 77 at the HALF against Phoenix.  And the Suns only scored 88 in this one!  Classic early afternoon Sunday game.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 23 points, 17 assists, 9 boards, 2 steals, 1 block

Is there anything more fun on the basketball court for an NBA player than a second half with a 20-point lead against the Nuggets?  They don’t play D to start with, so once the game is out of reach, they provide less resistance than the Japanese Self-Defense Forces.  It’s all gravy for the opposition at that point, as exhibited by the best player on the current best team in the West, Chris Paul.

Rain Delay Of The Night:

We recently mentioned that the Phoenix Suns plan to play an outdoor pre-season game next year, but this weekend, outdoor conditions came inside, at the Staples Center.  In the first quarter of the Lakers/Cavs game, a constant water drip began falling right under one of the baskets.  Danger!  With the rare large amount of SoCal rainfall, it was first assumed the delay was a result of a leak in the roof.  Michele Tafoya was annoyingly all over the issue, courtside, while Bill Walton, from the studio, related interesting anecdote from his playing days regarding Spencer Haywood suffering a harsh knee injury as a result of a similar leak.  Eventually officials claimed roofers had been working on the roof earlier in the day, and left their wet clothes laying on a catwalk above the court.  Hmmm.  This begs for conspiracy theories.  We can’t come up with any good ones but… maybe it was the tears of Kobe Cryant were falling?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Goo-Goo Gah-Gah Of The Night:

Waaaaaah!  The L.O.N. nursery is open to NBA teams.  The first infants in the MRSV’s care?  The baby-faced duo of Rajon Rondo and Boobie Gibson.  And yes, Boobie will be breast fed!

Another Celtics injury (K.G. missed Sunday’s game with an ab strain), another Celtics loss… Shocker:  Jason Kidd requests trade… Chris Webber to sign with Golden State.  Nellie vs. C-Webb, Round 2!!!… Damon Stoudamire waived by Memphis.  Next stop Boston?… With Corey Maggette sitting out with the infamous “flu-like symptoms”, Tim Thomas gunned his way to 23 attempts, pulling the L.O.N. C.E.O. a little closer in his season-long bet with the Resident Scientist…

Line Of The Night:

Lil’ Monta Ellis — 39 points, 4 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists

We love watching this dude.  He had it all working last night in a win against Dirty Jerse.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Boom Dizzle — 25 points, 12 boards, 10 assists, 5 steals

In a heads-up match-up, Baron out-Kidded Kidd.  Boom!  Dizzle.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili — 18 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

Can ya’ll please stop doubting the Spurs?  Everyone keeps saying they are old and they don’t have that spark this year.  Well guess what?  After a gutty win at Miami on virtually no rest, they have the same record they had at this point last year, and last year they brought home the chip.  Settle down.

Worst Of The Night:

Late in the third quarter of the Warriors/Nets game, Don Nelson decided to repeatedly intentionally foul the Nets’ Josh Boone, a 36% free-thrower on the year.  Sure, Boone went 7-15 on the night, so the Warriors could have taken advantage, scoring 2 or 3 to the Nets 1, but it didn’t work out like that.  Nelson killed the flow of the game, and that’s really the Warriors advantage — an up-and-down, fast-paced game.  The Nets took the lead, and the Warriors had to rally in the 4th to pull out the win.  Not only did the strategy backfire, but it was awful to watch.

Panties In A Knot Of The Night:

Filling in for Kenny Smith last night, Magic Johnson seemed like he was really trying to put his stamp on the Inside The NBA proceedings.  Usually he fits in nicely as the fourth guy on the set, but last night it seemed like he was trying just a little too hard.  And why did he find it necessary to ride on Vinsanity so much?  He declared him “done” due to his knee problems.  Isn’t done a little harsh?  We agree he is no longer a superstar, but that has been the case for about 5 seasons now!  VC is what he is — a nice complimentary scorer.  Let the man live.  UNC Mob Fo’ life, fool!

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

The voting results are in, here’s who will tip-off this year’s all-star game in New Orleans:

The East:

G — Dwyane Wade and Jason Kidd
F — LeBron James and Kevin Garnett
C — Dwight Howard

Good job by the fans here, with the only problem being Dwyane Wade.  He was hurt for a good portion of the season, and has only shown flashes of his true game after coming back.  The fans love him though, and he’s not a terrible selection.  The problem is, there is no obvious guy that should be there instead.  Guys like Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Joe Johnson and Michael Redd come to mind… but none are sureshots.  What they need to do is let some of the West cats play for the East!

The West:

G — Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson
F — Carmelo Anthony and Tim Duncan
C — Yao Ming

With A.I. surging from behind to overtake McGradles, the fans came close here, but as good as Iverson is, where the hell are Steve Nash and Chris Paul?  The depth at guard in the West is ridic, where there are up to 6 or 7 guys that should be starting over ANYBODY in the East.  The standings simply reflect one thing — the West has more talent.

The Cavs’ Sasha Pavlovic out for up to 2 months with a sprained foot… The Suns to play an outdoors pre-season game next year, at California’s Indian Wells Casino…

Line Of The Night:

Al Jefferson — 39 points, 15 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

BOO-YA-KA. The T-Wolves win their 2nd straight, knocking off the Suns, and Phoenix is officially eliminated from championship contention.
Best quote of the night from a T-Wolves announcer: “And this is the type of impact Jefferson has been having all season on the team!” Really? And what type of impact is that? 7-34 type of impact? Awesome.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Josh Smith — 22 points, 12 boards, 10 assists, 5 blocks, 3 steals

Nice for the fantasy team, but…

Beasts Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 21 boards, 13 points, 4 blocks, 4 assists, 1 steal

…bad for the bottom line. Without Melo, the Nuggets still had enough for the visiting Hawks. Camby for MVP?

Chris Kaman — 21 boards, 20 points, 2 blocks, 2 assists, 2 steals

2-2-2-2-2. Whut. Ralph Lawler claims there is no way Kaman can be left off the All-Star squad, and we wouldn’t argue otherwise after this performance in a win vs. the Kings. We’re pretty sure 6 billion Chinese have a slightly different opinion, though, at least as far as the starter goes.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 23 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

If anyone out there can give a convincing argument as to why the Cavs cannot make the Finals, we’d like to hear it.

Marko Jaric — 15 points, 10 assists, 8 boards, 1 steal

So this has now been well established: If Marko plays against the Warriors and Suns of the L, where they don’t play D, and he doesn’t have to play D, he can put up some suuuuuuurous numbers.

Beard vs. Beard Of The Night:

Drew “Airhead” Gooden vs. DeShawn “I Have My Name Tattooed Across My Back” Stevenson

Airhead — 18 points, 10 boards, 1 assist

Stevenson — 7 points, 1 assist

Gooden won the individual battle, and the Cavs won the overall war, 121-85. That’s a molly-whopping. And to add insult to injury, Gooden’s beard is WAY longer than DeShawn’s — the two have a bet to see who can go the longest without shaving. If size mattered, Airhead would be the runaway champion.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers, 78 points vs. Detroit Pistons

“points” can also be arranged as “piston”. Just saying.

The Mystique Is Gone Of The Night:

Toronto Raptors, 114, Boston Ceatles, 112.

Early this season it was breaking news when the PGA Tour took an L. Now it’s just another ho-hum loss in a long NBA regular season. It took an alien-like shooting performance from Toronto’s trio of Jose Calderon (8-10), Chris Bosh (8-11) and Anthony Parker (8-12) to get the job done, though. That’s what it takes to beat this squad. And Toronto is hoping Il Mago can throw up some more of these 20/7/7 nights.

Buy A Dog And Go To Church Of The Night:

Last night, the New Orleans found a way to do what few other teams have this season — lock up Brandon Roy. A lot of nights that wouldn’t be a problem, as usually somebody from the Blazers’ deep roster would pick up the slack. That somebody was nowhere to be found last night, and we have to blame Travis Outlaw. The statbook shows a decent shooting night, 5-11, so that makes it even more confusing as to why he just froze up from outside. He essentially refused to shoot J’s down the stretch, clogging up the Blazers’ offense. Now we know his weakness. Gotta be brave enough to fail, young fella.

6th Man Of The Night:

Tracy McGradles — 28 points, 5 assists, 4 boards

While Outlaw may not have had his T-Mac-esque J working, T-Mac DEFINITELY had his T-Mac-esque J working (except for when Kevin Durant gave his idol a little of THIS)! The Sonics were on fire throughout the game, and it took every last one of these points for the Rockets to grind out a 109-107 win. It was beautiful to watch McGradles just take things over down the stretch.

Practically no one is talking about the 28-13 Mavs. Slipping under the radar? A refusal to acknowledge these uniforms? Or the anticipation of another “only good during the regular season” campaign?… A message to Seattle’s announcers — stop calling them the “Supes”. Yes, we mean you, Kevin Calabro and Snapper Jones… Brandon Roy and Steve Blake ran a TEXTBOOK 2-on-1 fast break, without the ball touching the ground. Back-and-forth, back-and-forth. Beautiful…