L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…

14 NBA games!  At 6:11 PM Pacific, as the Suns and Warriors tipped off, 12 of those were going simultaneously!  A true NBA head’s dream.

Line Of The Night AKA Triple-Double Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 16 boards, 10 assists, 10 points, 1 steal

When L-Eezy goes Oscar Robertson on ‘em, it embodies the pure essence of L.O.N.  He’s the official player of this enterprise, and we live for the versatility and overall excellence required for this statistical achievement.  Inspired.

Honorable Mention L.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili — 46 points, 8 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals, 1 block on 15-20 shooting

The Chuckster’s favorite went LeBron James ON James’ Cavs, completely taking over in the 4th quarter;  dude was hotter than the Argentinian Tango.  Spurs win, on the road — it’s the Rodeo Show.  The West needs to invoke the “Pistons Rule” and put this man on the All-Star team.  He is surely penalized for being on such a good team and not getting a chance to routinely put up these types of numbers.  There are 12 better players in the West?  Are there 12 better players in the LEAGUE?!?!?

Beasts Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 boards, 23 points, 3 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

The definition of.  Just one game after his coach, Stan Van Gundy, publicly called him out for his lack of effort on D and the boards, D-Ho put it DOWN on D and the boards!  Well, it was either that, or he is extremely P-O’ed that the NBA powers that be will not allow him to raise a goal to 12 feet during this weekend’s dunk contest.  Come on commish, drink some kool-aid and have a Soft Baked cookie!  Have some fun!

Emeka Okafor — 21 boards, 20 points, 5 blocks

Okafor joined his 2004 draft mate in 20/20 land last night, showing why they went 1-2 that year.

Triple-Double Part II Of The Night:

Carlos Boozer — 22 points, 11 boards, 10 assists, 5 steals

Iditarod’s first career Fat Lever came against the hapless Sonics.  Usually it’s the dime-drops that hold him down, but he had it all working tonight.  Maybe it was just Earl Watson’s aura rubbing off on him, as Alien Head had 14 assists!

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 29 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

Quietly the 76ers are 23-30 and positioning themselves for a run at the Loser’s Bracket of this year’s NBA Playoffs.  Iggy is gonna start wanting some All-Star-type love if the Sixers are a playoff team.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Trailblazers, 76 vs. the Dallas Mavericks

Wow.  Is any team looking forward to All-Star break more?  The rest of the L caught up to this early season juggernaut.  They need to regroup in a real way after limping into the All-Star break.

And how ’bout dem Mavs?  With a Jason Kidd deal seemingly all but completed, there had to be mixed emotions in that locker room.  But when two of the key components (Desagana Diop and Devean George) came out in played in the game, something seemed amiss.  Then word broke that Devean George (hold on — he’s still alive?  he’s still in the league?) has some sort of trade blocker that he pulled and the deal is off!  That would seem to be turmoil, friends.  After all, Jerry Stackhouse thought he was in store for a 30 day vacation (reports had him being waived by Dirty Jerse, waiting the mandatory month, and re-signing with the Cubans)!  Madness.  George put on a stellar performance, with 0 points on 0-11 shooting in 33 minutes, but the capos stepped up.  Dirk and the Jet rallied this team for a game during which no one would have faulted the guys for having their heads elsewhere.  A beat down ensued.

Are Ya’ll Gon’ Eh-vuh Fall Off? Of The Night:

Young Pistons:

Amir Johnson — 9 boards, 8 points, 7 blocks, 1 steal, 1 assist

Rodney Stuckey — 12 points, 5 assists, 3 boards

Jason Maxiell — 11 points, 11 boards, 2 blocks

The next generation, but they are here NOW.  This ain’t your momma’s 6-man rotation Pistons.  These cats is deep.  Most talented Pistons squad of the current contending run?

It’s Me, Bitches!!! Of The Night:

Steve Novak — 1 quarter, 7 minutes, 3 points, 2 shots, 1 board

3 points on 1 made basket — a buzzer-beater.  And it was the perfect salve for a nightmare 4th quarter, for the Rockets.  Up 14 heading into the final period, they couldn’t hit a damn thing.  Ron Artest went Jay-Z, Takeover, for the Kings, leading them all the way back to an apparent victory.  Then Novak happened.  89-87, Rockets win.  That’s 8 in a row, and 12 of the last 13.

We saw 5 technical foul shots taken, and 5 missed.  1 by Derek Fisher, 2 by Melo, 1 by Rashad McCants, and 1 by Steve Blake… Tiger Woods in the house for the Orlando/Denver game… Seen at tattoo parlor with Melo and AI, earlier in the day!  Ha… Shaq has officially moved from the home sky box to the road bench, in a suit.  Stay tuned for his debut… The Boom Dizzle step back J is so beautiful… There is absolutely NOTHING intimidating about Charlotte’s “LET’S GO CATS!” chant!  Except to the Hawks, we guess, who folded in the 4th like Dirk in Oakland… What a tough loss for the Clippers on a late offensive rebound tip by Antawn Jamison.  It was over Corey Maggette, so Carolina got a little getback on Duke…