L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Stephon Marbury — 8 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 board

As if the Paul Peezy/K.G.-led Ceatles were not already fully backed by L.O.N., now they have an apparently motivated Starbury?  It is on now.  This is the final push they needed for us to fully back their Playoff campaign again this year.  Sorry, LeBron.  We will admit, however, the whole “3″ logo on his head is extremely awkward, at this point.

Starbury looked rusty for sure, but showed signs of his old self.  And while it is an easy joke to make, he legitimately looked like he was having problems with his shoes and/or footing.  Maybe he needs to at least step it up to the 34.99 Al Harrington Protege joints?

Worst Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls — 23 point loss (113-90) to the Wiz with President Obama court side

You are better than that, Chicago.  Word to Mark Jackson.  After meeting the President, who claims ya’ll as his favorite squad, and having him attend your game against the worst team in your conference?  Awful.  How awesome is the Obama part of this whole scenario, though?  Just imagine a L.O.N. logo with the Obama “O”, right now.  We like the direction of this administration already.

Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 22 boards, 21 points, 1 assist, 1 block

It has been a relatively quiet — or at least under the radar — season for Horford thus far.  After getting a lot of pub last year for being the dark horse R.O.Y. candidate, his understated game has slid into the shadows this year.  But not last night.  Although Miami’s position is far from the secure, this is a possible preview of the 4-5 first round playoff match up in the East.  It would be interesting to see if the Hawks’ team dynamic could out match the one Wade show in M-I-Yayo.

Distribution Center Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 20 assists, 9 points, 7 boards

A ridiculous night for Paul, but the real story was the Hornets completely blowing a 17-point lead with 4 minutes remaining, only to have Tyson Chandler make an amazing putback tip in the final seconds to secure the win.  There is some sort of mind-bending symmetry there, given the rescinded trade situation.  Don’t expect us to put it into words though.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers — 79 points vs. the Denver Nuggets

Sorry, give us the words “bad”, “Kobe Bryant”, and “Denver, and we only can think of one thing.  Go ahead, Google those 3 phrases, we’re not the only ones.  Then we start thinking Michael Vick and Charles Grant and hypocrisy and all types of thoughts that will ruin our Friday night if we expound.  So just go ahead and contract the Lakers and everything will be solved.  Thanks.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 boards, 12 points, 1 assist

Not as impressive as usual, considering the Lakers shot 29%!!!!!  Wow.

Shaqtastically Shaquisite Of The Night:

Shaqtus — 45 points, 11 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists, 1 block

Fun.  Smiles.  Joy.  Keep getting your Shaq on, Shaq.  Keep it Shaqqy.  The world is a better place with a Shaq like this.

With a talented team, it seems too easy to run up regular season wins using the patented D’Antoni style.  Doesn’t it make more sense to rack up those wins, get homecourt advantage, and roll the dice in the Playoffs, despite the forced change in style?  In retrospect, it seems crazier and crazier that the Suns broke up the nucleus.  If it was financial based, that is a whole other topic, but if it was a purely basketball decision, it was purely idiotic.

???? Of The Night:

Raymond Felton — 26 points, 9 assists, 4 steals, 3 boards, 1 block

Tough.  Gritty.  A winner.  You might raise your eyebrows at the last descriptor, given his career record, but that’s how we would describe Felton.  Is he the best shooter in the world?  Not at all.  The best playmaker?  No way.  Is his game smooth or pleasing to the eye?  Definitely not.  But do you want him on your team, “in the trenches” as they say?  Every.  Single.  Day.

The Bobcats took down a tough road win in the town where Oscar Grant’s ghost lingers, longing for justice, but not without making it interesting.  With the score tied, shot clock turned off and G-State in the bonus, Stephen Jackson took the inbounds pass and was immediately fouled intentionally by Boris Diaw?!?!?!  Somehow, Larry Brown kept his composure as Captain Jack hit both free throws.  But Diaw made it look like all part of the master plan.  Felton drove, kicked to Raja Bell, who swung it to Diaw for 3… splash.  Charlotte threw the ensuing inbounds pass directly out-of-bounds and it was almost a wrap, but not before infamous ref Bennett Salvatore made it a little more interesting by first declaring the pass had been deflected, before completely reversing field, with no consultation, and saying it was not deflected.  Guess he wanted to make that reservation after all.  And this was after one of his ref buds made a similar reversal a few plays back!  Another wild one in the Bay.

What’s that buzz you hear?  It is Detroit talk radio going nuts: “Rip starts and we win! Blah blah Iverson blah blah blah”… Coincidence that Rajon Rondo produced 17 assists during Marbury’s first game with the team?… Larry Hughes drops 25 in his best game thus far as a Knick.  FREE LARRY HUGHES!!!!… Russell Westbrook or Avon Barksdale?… Pops Mensah-Bonsu.  Consider that a warning…  Kid Cudi or Heartbreak Drake?  Pick your side now.  The Revolution is not kind to bystanders…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Ayo, why none of the L.O.N.’s ever have an intro?

We’ve heard the outcries.  “No All-Star coverage from L.O.N.?  What’s the dealie, dunn?”  We know, we know.  But on Sunday evening, as the All-Star Game commenced, disaster struck.  Devin Harris and Chris Bridges AKA Ludacris, who are actually the same person, converged upon the same location at the same time, causing a space/time continuum rift which resulted in the complete destruction of the L.O.N. offices.  No staffers were injured, but equipment was lost.  We’re back, but to recover, we underwent the complete Hamiltonization Process, plus about 18 more mixtapes your boy Charles Hamilton has dropped.  So without further ado, we present L.O.N. — HamiL.tO.N.ized.  It’s Charles HamiL.tO.N.

Line Of The Night A.K.A. Toy Story Of The Night:

Sebastian Telfair — 30 points, 8 assists, 1 board, 1 steal

That’s a career night.

“Unfair, hell yeah, I’m lookin’/At Brooklyn, I’m Telfair”, Charles Hamilton, “Toy Story”, Crash Landed

Brooklyn Girls Of The Night AKA The L Word Of The Night AKA Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 20 points, 9 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Just know this — Charles has already made the move from Cleveland to the Big Apple.  Although the proposed Brooklyn move for the Nets may be dead, the idea was fun while it lasted.  The Brooklyn girls (and boys) are the real losers, since The King is probably gonna be balling out in 2010 regardless of his destination.

Sonic The Hamilton Of The Night AKA Near Beast Of The Night:

Al Horford — 18 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

This is what happens when the opposing team has a 2 guard (Spencer Hawes) masquerading as a center.

Crash Landed Of The Night AKA Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Dot-O — 76 points vs. Cleveland

Jay Triano:  “Shawn — you are supposed to help YOUR team’s offense, and defend the OTHER guys.”  Shawn:  “Oh, really?  Thought it was reversed in Canada.  You know, how the toilet spins the other way in Australia?”

The Raptors do like Charles said, and Stay On Their Level, in Shawn Marion’s debut.

Well Isn’t This Awkward Of The Night:

Welcome back, Tyson.  After failing his physical due to an old toe injury, the trade that would have sent Mr. Chandler to OKC to team with Kevin Durant and the boys was rescinded.  Ironically, OKC’s team doctor that made this ruling, was the same guy that originally performed the surgery on Chandler’s toe.  He hasn’t played recently due to an ankle injury, but if he can come back from that this season, the Hornets can still do some damage.  The seemingly unstoppable Chris Paul to Chandler oop combo is back in full effizzect.

Tyson had this to say, speaking to reporters in the Crescent City:

“Hated or not I am great and I’m about to get/Greater, hit the pager (Peja) like I play with Stojakovic”  (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Then he proceeded, staring directly at owner George Shinn as the word “traitor” dropped from his lips:

“Baby girl I’m ballin’/Kinda like the Lakers/If you a traitor like Shaq then see ya later, player” (Charles Hamilton, “Brooklyn Girls”, Crash Landed)

Not-So-Pleasant Overthinking Of The Night:

Amar’e Stoudemire — 42 points, 11 boards, 1 assist

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, guys, check this out.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, let’s slow it down and go hard on D.”  [Silence and the pall of death descend upon the Phoenix metropolitan area]

My Brain Is Alive Of The Night:

Steve Kerr:  “Ok, I think I figured it out, guys.  Now that I have Matt Barnes and J-Rich who ran together in Nellieville to team with Steve Nash who won 2 M.V.P.’s in an uptempo system and Amar’e Stoudemire who rose to prominence in said system and has never known of defense, I think we should just keep running.  It probably fits our personnel the best, even with the addition of Shaq.”  PHX 140, LAC 100.  PHX 142, LAC 119.

truth kills opposition (Love TKO) Of The Night:

“Sonic, my team is where the good Shawn Kemp is”, Charles Hamilton, “truth kills opposition (Love TKO)”, My Brain Is Alive

Damn, remember when it all made sense?  Back when Seattle had a team?  Now we got a another non-plural team with a jibbing an jiving bison mascot that can’t dunk?  That’s a love TKO.

Every D-Wade Ex-Girlfriend’s Worse Nightmare Of The Night:

This is on some straight personal life gossip type ish that we probably shouldn’t even be talking about, but damn, it fit the theme way too well.  Check track #10 titled Siohvaughn:  During their divorce proceedings, D-Wade’s wife first accused him of giving her a STD that he had supposedly contracted during an extra-marital affair.  Now that accusation has been retracted, and D-Wade is counter suing for defamation.  Based on this MVP-level output, he’s for sure on some ol’ “the court is my sanctuary” type ish with all this off-court drama swirling.

The Death Of The Mixtape Rapper Of The Night AKA The Death Of The Braided Baller Of The Night:

Like K.G. said (and Chris Rock originally, then Jay, don’t act like we don’t know), first the Fat Boys break up, then Allen Iverson cuts his hair, now Ben Wallace!  Now that ‘Froed Ben Pistons bobblehead’s value is about to shoot through the roof.  On top of the hair cut, Big Ben experienced another cut, requiring 14 stitches after crashing his arm through a car window while playing street football.  He had this to say:

“The window didn’t bleed. I don’t think it was made to bleed. That (he didn’t make the catch) was the biggest disappointment,” Wallace said. “I dropped the ball. That’s good D.”

AND the Clippers cut Cheikh Samb — another braider.

Staff Development Of The Night:

It is trading season and even though Chris Wilcox and Joe Smith remain in Oklahoma, some deals did go down:

Lakers get:

A conditional 2nd Round 2013 pick

Memphis gets:

Chris Mihm
Cash Considerations

Just before hanging up the phone, Mitch Kupchak said to Chris Wallace, “Now we’re all square on that Pau Gasol rape last year, right?”

Chicago gets:

Brad Mizzle
John Salmons

Sacramento gets:

Ike Diogu
Drew Gooden
Andres Nocioni

Portland gets:

Michael Ruffin

So Chicago traded some mediocre guys for some different but still mediocre guys and the accountants in Portland and Sacramento are apparently happier.  Moving on.

Intervention Of The Night:

When Zach Randolph “shoved” (we say punched) Louis Amundson Tuesday night, it seemed like simply another knucklehead move from a career knucklehead.  He is a Spartan, after all.  But hey, Zach defended his actions because Louis “almost kissed me in my mouth”, so all is forgiven, right?  Well, maybe not, but like Guru said, “Actions have reactions, don’t be quick to judge/You may not know the hardships people don’t speak of”.  Never have these words been truer, as upon hearing about his 2-game suspension, Randolph immediately left for Indianapolis to be with his ailing father.  Hold your head, Z-Bo.

Injuries Of The Night AKA Outside Looking Of The Night:

It seemed like guys were dropping like flies on Wednesday.  T-Mac announced his season will be lost to the dreaded microfracture procedure, Danny Granger played only 10 minutes against the Bobcats before hearing (and probably feeling) a “pop” in his foot, and Philly felt the injury bug too with Dre Miller succumbing to a calf injury.  But have no fear, Brian Scalabrine should be back in green Thursday night.

Wishbones, Horseshoes, and Basketball AKA NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“And I am the mic(Mike), ya’ll some Pippen mo’erfuckas”, “Supersonic’s First Freestyle”, Death Of The Mixtape Rapper
“But I’m Bobby at Knight, so I choke her for fun/Better yet Sprewell when I’m choking the coach”, “Ambitions Of Musicians”, Crash Landed
“Rap MJ and I got that Game 6 handle”, “I’m Good (Bret Hart)”, It’s Charles Hamilton
“I Jordan leap to the sky”, “Psycho Bitch”, Well Isn’t This Awkward

He’s Charles Hamilton.  The inspiration.


I Go Crazy AKA NBA Gametime Of The Night:

“You can’t stand him, the kid is Gary Payton/I’m in L.A. but now I’m gonna move”, Charles Hamilton, “DJ Reflex Power 106 Freestyle”, Crash Landed

“Don’t get too enthusiastic, curb it quick/Larry David to you Gary Paytons/You ain’t really work for yours, but I’m sure you’re happy waitin’”, Charles Hamilton, “Supersonicevents”, Sonic The Hamilton

Dang, that’s harsh!  Well, even if GP didn’t “work for his” in Miami.  He is definitely working for his now.  GP AND C-WEBB ON THEIR JABBAWOCKEE GRIZZLY??!!?!?!!  Ridic.

Mike Miller JUST misses Near Triple-Double status with a 9/9/7, and the 7 was points?!?!?!?!… The Chuckster back in the house tomorrow night.  But did they really rob us the viewing opportunity of another awkward and serious Ernie Johnson/Charles Barkley isolated stool interview?  Seems like that interview already happened.  Air it!  The people need an explanation!.. Hell hath no fury like an Alvin Gentry scorned… Zoolander on the move?  Wally Sizzur benched for Tarence Kinsey.  A healthy scratch, per se…

Line Of The Night:

Chris Bosh — 39 points, 15 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Bosh upped his superstar credentials with this performance, but the Raptors as a whole cannot seem to put it all together in the same game. If T.J. Ford plays well, Jose Calderon does not. If Jamario Moon plays well, Anthony Parker misses every shot. If Andrea Bargnani has it all going… oh, wait, that never happens any more. Is it coaching? Let the question be a statement.

Worst Of The Night:

Following Denver’s 102-84 loss in Game 3 of their series with the Lakers, we were all set to get on here and rip the hell out of Melo and his squadron. Well, he beat us to the punch:

“I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not pointing the fingers at nobody. I didn’t play worth a [expletive] tonight, and I can accept that. But as a competitor, there’s no way that I should lay down and quit and lay down on my team like we did tonight. You could just sense it,” Anthony said. “I’m saying ‘we,’ because I’m part of this, too. I’m saying I quit. We all just gave up.”

Wow. Seeing a talented Nuggets team show no heart at their first Playoff home game was one thing, but it was compounded by the Rockets performance later in the night. Maybe the Nuggets should switch their teams colors to red, white and blue — that is the only uni Melo seems to shine in, these days.

Of course, this may just be a case of underestimating the Lakers. We are starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, the Lake Show is actually ballerific (and acting like it’s all terrific).

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 19 points, 16 boards, 8 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

Right here, right now — Magic 3-1 over T-Dot and Sixers 2-1 over Detroit Basketball. This is jumping waaaay ahead, but does that mean we are now anticipating a Magic/Celtics Conference Finals? Or do the Pistons simply know drama better than TNT?

McGradles — 23 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

He did everything well… except shoot. If he gets a decent percentage from the field — or Rafer — the Rockets shock world, and take two games in Houston. These two teams are so evenly matched, even when it appears that one team has the clear talent advantage. It is a shame for Houston that Skip missed the first two games. Based on what we have seen now, it might have been a whole ‘nother type of series with him manning the point from the get green.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Mehmet Okur — 18 boards, 14 points, 1 block, 1 steal

While probably known more for his long-range shot than for his grittiness, it was the latter that was key for Utah on Saturday. With the Jazz up two, late, Deron Williams MISSED two free throws, seemingly giving the Rockets new life. Memo shut that window just as fast as it opened, though, snagging (well, Rick Adelman might describe it more as “pushing my guy out of the way, then grabbing”) the offensive rebound. Game time. Never forget — the Pistons have not won a title since Memo left. The Jazz have not won one with him. Sounds like purgatory.

Rookie Of The Night:

Al Horford — 17 points, 14 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

It is official — as Horford goes, so goes the Hawks. Of all the options on the team, it is obvious after Game 3 that he is their leader, and their heart & soul — their K.G. Hittin’ clutch J’s to put the game away, then taunting Paul Peezy? A very impressive rookie playoff breakout party.

Line Of The Night:

Boobie Gibson — 33 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals, 11-20 from downtown, 1 Rookie Game MVP

Yeah, that’s right, 20 shots, all from behind the 3-point line! And most of them right in front of this biggest fan, or at least the most famous, LeBron James, who was sitting court side. He’s about to mess around and pigeonhole himself. Seven of these came in the first half, as the Sophomores took the lead for good, coming away with the 6th straight win for the 2nd-year guys. Time for another format change, maybe?

Play Of The Night:

No doubt about this. Sean Williams, for the rookie squad, came with an All-Star game favorite — the “throw it off the board to your self” slam. The dribbling and passing came as a little bit of a surprise from Andre Three-thou… er, Williams, as it usually comes from the more wing-type players. We also found out that Williams loves to throw up various hand signals, and seems to be a member of the Drew Gooden-”head”ed “All-Airhead” team. Goofball.

Beating Up On The Neighborhood Kids Of The Night:

Terrell Owens — 18 points and the celebrity game MVP

Despite showing up late, Owens dominated this game, as a man in his athletic prime playing against out-of-shape celebrities should! It was ridiculous, as he clearly had everybody out-matched. T.O. even dunked it, CONVINCINGLY! Teammate Master P’s clutch free throws helped earn their squad the win, locking up the award for Owens. But seriously, was this even fair? The WNBA pros simply go through the motions, letting the celebs compete and enjoy themselves. T.O. was having that, saying “I crush you cock-a-roaches”.

Worst Of The Night:

The overall feel of the Celebrity Game. We blame ESPN for this. We understand a celebrity game isn’t the biggest draw in the world, but MTV Rock-N-Jock used to do it well. ESPN turns it into an absolute train wreck. How is it a good idea to turn a huge chunk of the broadcast into a cooking show? There is probably a way to do that well, but that was not it. Then Carmelo, who apparently doesn’t have a single musical bone in his body, is invited into an attempt at a Jazz duet? And what in the haaa-yell was that tarot card reader? Amare Stoudemire could not even attempt to take that nut bag seriously! That was wild.

But the worst part every year is the attempt to make the announcers and reporters into the stars. Ya’ll ain’t got Charles and Kenny. Looks like even Greg Anthony and Tim Legler have refused to participate in these ridiculousness. As B or C-List as many of the celebrity participants may be, their Q-ratings are 1,000 times greater than Ric Bucher. Ric Bucher? Please. If he’s not telling us which ball Kobe scratched first when he woke up this morning, then we don’t want to hear it. Um… scratch that. Just shut the hell up on all occasions.

They missed out on a close game, but how could anyone watching be expected to get into it with all the ridiculous sideshows. The players tried to take it seriously, despite the surrounding circus, and the 1-point margin of victory will most likely result in the most competitive game of the weekend. Common got hacked!

Worst Of The Night Part II:

Charles Barkley needs to stop the hate crimes on Kevin Durant. He had the nerve to say that of all the players on the court for the Rookie Challenge, if he could only pick 1 to start a franchise, he would pick in the following order: 1) Brandon Roy, 2) Al Horford, 3) Yi Jianlian. The Chuckster done lost his mind. We totally disagree, but we understand the Roy and Horford arguments. However, hopefully by now you’ve seen the glaring omission from this list — KEVIN DURANT!!!!!!!!! Barkley was ranting about how one-dimensional was, while on the court, Durant was balling out, dropping dimes, blocking shots and rebounding. His regular season stats don’t show it yet, but this young cat is crazy versatile. If we could have Durant OR all of those 3, we’d still take KD — he’s gonna be that good. Jianlian? Come on, Chuck. At least Kenny called him out on it, a little.

Player Most Respected In The Huddle Of The Night:

In the celebrity game, Chris Tucker was bombing 3’s like it was Rush Hour 99. Dude had zero conscience. He hit three 3’s, two off glass! He absolutely did not care. His jump shot was so ugly that FEMA had to be called (and didn’t come) to New Orleans, AGAIN! Disgusting. So going into the last possession, with his squad down one, his teammate, Floyd Mayweather, said something to the effect of: “Don’t shoot no 3 this time!”, with a menacing look and tone. Comedy. They came out and you can be damn sure Tucker did not fire, even though he received the inbounds pass! Classic. He couldn’t WAIT to pass.

Mailroom Supervisor’s H.O.N.nie Of The Night:

Straight from the MRSV mouth: “Al Horford for rocking that mouth guard to protect the pearly whites.” Charles Barkley agrees, we’re sure. Can you say “man crush”?

Fashion Review Of The Night:

We’re not even sure what to say about the celebrity uniforms. Purple, blue and teal argyle? Those joints were horrible. At least the purple with gold shine warm-up t’s were kinda hot.

Kevin Durant debuted his new shoes, which are solid neon, Oregon Duck yellow. In fact, as Craig Sager interviewed Durant prior to the game, the camera panned down and the Earth was nearly split to the core from the color explosion unleashed by KD’s dogs on the same screen as Sager’s shiny Easter Egg pastel purple dress shoes!

The veteran players sitting sideline at the Rookie Challenge always come dressed to impress, and this year was no exception. LeBron was sitting with K.G., and each brought their own unique style. The L.O.N. offices disagreed on who was stylin’ on who. The MRSV preferred Garnett’s patented, preppy sweater over collared-shirt look, while the C.E.O. was feeling LeBron’s urban casual, as he rocked a multi-colored (possibly a tribute to his high school colors — green and gold) leather coat, jeans, and matching A-1’s. The King also had an interesting, relatively subtle double-pendant chain. Chris Paul followed The Kid’s lead, as he had on his own neon-yellow sweater (is neon yellow the new black?), but his accessory was a fat wad of hundreds that he pulled out to pay for his court side refreshments! And despite not being a part of the main event for the first time in ages, Big Shaq was on hand looking distinguished in one of his trademark suits.

Worst dressed? Sorry, but it had to be Carmelo Anthony. In attendance with his wife, LaLa Vazquez, Melo rocked a Valentine’s Day-themed ensemble featuring a red leather coat and a baseball hat with a big heart on it. That might sound bad, but he actually could’ve pulled it off… if it had been V-Day! That was yesterday, homey.

Tony Parker wins NBA Live tourney at EA Sports party… Andrea Bargnani came out aggressive, but then disappeared for the rest of the game. Sam Mitchell was like, “Now, there’s my guy!”… Common, with the baldy and just the way he plays, is officially the Jason Kidd of the celebrity circuit… One Tree Hill’s James Lafferty was possible the best non-professional player in the celeb game, but they wouldn’t give him the ball enough… Gangsta rap fans everywhere celebrated as Master P rolled on Common! Ha… Was Terry Crews in The Mitchell Report? He came out muscled-down and shouting like a crazy man. Then during a break, he showed ridiculous dance moves. Who knew he was the poor-man’s Jamie Foxx? AKA the most talented man in Hollywood?… The kids at the Rookie Game were like European futbol fans, just screaming for no reason, constantly… Sorry, Paul Millsap, please respectfully decline all future All-Star-type invites. It’s just not your scene, playa… FREE AL THORNTON!