L.O.N.

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Granger Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 41 points, 11 boards, 6 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

That’s 3 in a row.  That may be a L.O.N. record.  Somebody get the resident Archivist on it.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 27 boards, 19 points, 4 blocks, 2 assists, 1 steal

Awww, man.  What a wasted effort.  On the verge of a 4th straight victory, up 4 in the Chi, with about 20 seconds left… the Clippers happened.  Young rook Eric Gordon committed the unfathomable mistake of fouling namesake Ben Gordon on a 3.  Count it.  And-1.  Tie game.  While the Clip Joint surprisingly got a shot off (Dunleavy specializes in the end of game “no shot”), Al Thornton’s fadeaway baseline 20-footer was no good.  In OT, unimaginatively pounding the ball into Z-Bo, in the same spot, time after time ater time, eventually caught up with them, as the Bulls took the lead for good following two offensive fouls and an entry pass turnover.  Free Marcus Camby?

Playoff Intensity Of The Night:

Two games last night gave us a glimpse of spring, even in the heart(break) of the coldest winter.  It’s obviously impossible to generate legit playoff intensity this time of year, but sometimes old rivalries recall the ghosts of Playoffs past.  If that’s so, then let the Ceatles/Hawks be the haunting, and Spurs/Hornets the exorcism.  You see, sometimes the old spooks cannot be driven away (Ceatles 88, Hawks 85), and other times, demons from the past are cast out (Spurs 83, Hornets 90).

Contraction Club Of the Night:

Washington Wizards — 74 points vs. the Detroit Pistons

The ‘Stons quietly righting the ship?  Or a 3-game blip against 3 bad teams?

Minnesota T-Wolves — 70 points vs. the Cleveland Cavs

So bad they make the page melt.  So bad they don’t even make sense.  So bad they sense patty melts.

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Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 27 points, 9 boards, 5 assists, 5 steals

Granger, again?  Aw yeah, again and again.  Dude is nasty.  Two straight L.O.N.nies nasty.  Unfortunately, at 8-16, looks like he and his Pacers are at least 1 year away from any sort of primetime love, but the true heads know.  And the Wiz fa sho know, after last night.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Rajon Rondo — 25 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Just let C-Webb tell you.  Double R is getting it done, he’s getting it in, he’s getting in his bag, and he’s going in, too.  Can he grab an Eastern Conference All-Star guard spot?  D-Wade, A.I., Joe Johnson?  Devin Harris?  Jose Calderon?  Dare we say… Derrick Rose?  If Peezy is out for any time with this knee injury does he step it up and end all debate?  Will he get a quadruple-double this year, with a line that includes 10 behind-the-back pass fakes in one game?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Boris Diaw showcased his all-around game in this one, dropping 25 on his former team.  The Cats have no reliable 2nd option on offense, though, which caught up with them in the 4th quarter when they could only manage 11 points.  Maybe an improved D, but definitely a generally horrid offense.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Not only did rook Ryan Anderson drop a career-high 21 points to lead his Nets to a road win in the T-Dot last night, he also enjoyed an extra serving of the most important meal of the day.  After losing his man, who was shading towards Chris Bosh at the elbow extended,  Joey Graham received a pass in the corner, went baseline, then BOOM!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, RYAN!  Bet you never had a Canadian bacon, graham crackers sandwich, homey!

What is in Paul Millsap’s Wheaties bowl, lately?… J.R. Smith tied the Mavs, BY HIMSELF, in the the 4th quarter last night, 17-17.  The Garbageman strikes again… Yeah, that’s 15 in a row for Boston.  That’s a ratings bonanza if they can hold onto that until Christmas Day…

Line Of The Night:

Danny Granger — 42 points, 7 boards, 6 assists

Career-high points… all-around game… young, blossoming star… still a loss.  Now 7-15.  Our answer?  Cut Josh McRoberts.

Worst Of The Night:

The Minnesota Timberwolves.  An utter and complete disgrace.  Never before has it been clearer than seeing them trudge through a game last night against perhaps the model franchise in the League, San Antonio.  Ya’ll should boycott that “product” up there, Minnesotans.

Near Larry Bird Of The Night:

McGradles — 24 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 1 steal

Gotta love looking at the schedule and seeing the defenseless Warriors for the night of your return from an injury.  That’s a soft landing.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Philly Freezer — 72 points vs. Cleveland

The Sixers took on the nickname of hometown MC, Freeway, last night, shooting an ice cold 43% from the field.  This type of play has become the norm for Cavs opponents, though, during their dominant 11 game winning streak.  And speaking of Freeway… he has been coming hard so far during his self-proclaimed “Month Of Madness“.

Miami Cold — 73 points vs. Atlanta

This was a horrid game.  Neither team shooting over 38%?  Gross.

Dirty Jerse — 79 points vs. T-Dot-O

The breakout game of the Jay Triano Era?  Or simply a fluky, frigid night that saw Vince Carter shoot 0-13 from the field?  Irregardless, can the fantasy heads out there get an answer on the Moon/BargnaniEntreatment?

Debut Of The Night:

Jason Richardson — 21 points, 3 boards, 3 assists, 1 blocks

Well, for one night, it all made sense, just like Lonnie told us it would.  J-Rich came, he scored, Suns won.  But lots of questions remain for a still morphing Phoenix squad.

Debacle Of The Night:

The L.O.N. offices have endured most of the Clippers train wreck of a season.  Hey, we get limited number of HD games and we love Ralph Lawler.  What can we say?  Guess what night the DVR broke, though?  Yeah, the night they win a double-OT thriller in Portland — another team we love to watch.  Awesome.

The Pistons haven’t won a title since Mehmet Okur left.  Four seasons from now, will we be saying, “New Orleans hasn’t contended since Jannero Pargo left”?…  Shocking news of the night:  Corey Maggette remains out indefinitely with a hamstring injury… Why is J-Crizzles struggling in seemingly his dream offense?…  The Bobcats sign Juwan Howard.  The Fab Five lives…

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Line Of The Night:

Ray Allen — 35 points, 2 boards, 2 assists

The Ray Allen jump shot is still such a beautiful sight, event after all these years.  The Ceatles needed every last one of them against the Pacers, as this season’s giant killers almost struck again, before falling in OT.

Beast Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 22 points, 20 boards, 2 assists

The Suns used this effort to tough out a 2 point win over the Jazz.  Isn’t there a whole lotta complaining and bickering in Phoenix for a team that really isn’t in that bad of shape?

Kevin Garnett — 20 boards, 17 points, 5 steals, 4 assists, 1 block

One other note on the Boston OT win.  Why was the Indiana offense run through Rasho Nesterovic during OT?  Give it to Granger, already.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

Vince Carter — 14 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

This versatile Vinsanity voyage vaulted the Nets to victory over the Sixers.  With a winning record about a fourth of the way into the season… dare we mention the “P” word for Dirty Jerse?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 19 boards, 7 blocks, 3 assists, 2 steals

How a coach on a bad team that is going nowhere can survive a completely uninspired blowout loss at home to the Clippers is beyond us, in this day and age of the light speed spinning coaching carousel.  But as of the writing of this, Randy Wittman remains the captain of this long past sunken ship.  (Update:  Wittman out, Kevin McHale takes over).  In related news, a bit of a terrible team round robin tourney took place, with the Clip Joint visiting Memphis Friday, followed by Minnesota on Saturday.  We needed a Memphis/Minnesota matchup to truly set things off, but with a little middle school geometry, we can crown Minnesota as the second worst team in the West.  Congratulations.

David Lee — 19 boards, 12 points, 3 assists

Must be the new hairdo.  We’ll call it the fratboy mohawk.  Lee and the Knicks mauled the Pistons on Sunday, right from jump street.  Blame Iverson or Coach Curry?  The coach does not look like a good fit, to us, so far.  And his abrasive (although often true) interview comments, may not work well, for long.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats — 74 points vs. Cleveland

The Cavs’ absolutely smothering D was on display, highlighted by 10 blocks, including one of LeBron’s now patented from-behind-layup blocks on Raymond Felton.  Cleveland has now won 8 straight games, all by double digits.  They are “in their bag”, currently, as Freeway might tell you.

Rookie Of The Night:

Russell Westbrook — 30 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Ok, dude is officially freed and can officially get it done on the NBA level, although he does still need to figure out how to reign it in a bit, out there.  While the Outlaws still lost to the Heat, it was only by 6, and almost has to count for something with a team this bad.  Maybe if Westbrook had lived up to his supposed defensive rep, and held D-Wade to less than 38, they might have actually pulled one out.

Interview Of The Night:

David Duchovny was interviewed at halftime of Sunday’s Knicks/Pistons game as part of a segment called “Gimme A Minute with Jill Martin”.  Pure comedy.  First, she messes up the air date when mentioning the season finale of his show, Californication.  No, wait, back up.  FIRST, there are the litany of “I bet he would like a minute with Jill Martin” jokes, given his sex addict status.  But we’ll let you fill in your own punchline with that situation.  Second, she asks if the show might move to a New York location, to which he politely replies, “It’s hard to shoot a show called Californication in New York.”  Awesome.  She doesn’t even bat an eye, though, before mentioning he used to be a “balla”… sounding completely ridiculous.  And just to add to the “what in the hell is going here?” factor, a wheelchair basketball game is going on in the background!  Amazing.

Bobby Brown with the rare 360 wrong-hand lay-up.  Interesting…

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A moment of silence for the end of the Death Ray Goggle Era… …and now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Line Of The Night:

Yao Ming — 33 points, 14 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Domination, baby (word to Method Man).  Yao put it on the Warriors Friday night, taking full advantage of his physical stature, drawing foul after foul after foul, and getting to the line 19 times.  He fouled out Andris Biedrins and Ronny Turiaf, and had Anthony Randolph, Stephen Jackson and Corey Maggette taking ridiculous turns at guarding him.  “Shrimp in the edifice!”, he cried all night long.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 23 boards, 21 points, 6 blocks

Oh, so Chris Wilcox, Johan Petro and Joe Smith can’t guard Howard?  OKC is still horrid under new coach Scotty Brooks, but definitely more entertaining with Russell Westbrook at the helm.  Let’s hope Earl Watson gets O.J.-time on the bench.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Blazers — 78 points vs. The Ceatles

Now THAT’s what a contender looks like, Portland.  And another moment of silence to hear all of the WAAAAY too easy jokes resulting from Big Baby Davis literally crying in the 4th quarter after KG gave him an ol’ ear whuppin’.  Come on, man.  Honestly?  Your nickname is Big Baby and you give us the classic cry face on national TV?

Indiana Pacers — 73 points vs. The LeBrons

The reward for upsetting the Lakers?  Smashtime the next two games courtesy of the Beasts Of The East:  Boston and Cleveland.

Clippers lucky to avoid this list… only a couple J.R. Smith-esque garbage time heaves from Boom Dizzle got the Clip Joint over 80.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

LeBron James — 11 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal

This is like an Old (present) Jason Kidd NTD.  Biggest disappointment of the night, though, was provided by LeBron, but through no fault of his own.  During the Boston/Portland broadcast, the halftime host said something like “stay tuned at halftime for one of the best LeBron dunks ever”.  A nice dunk, sure, but maybe not in LeBron’s top 50.

An honorable mention to Paul Millsap, of all people.  He’s a five-star general in the double-double world, but triples?  He approached “near” status, but fell 1 dime short.  Wow.

Status Quo Of The Night:

Welcome to the NBA, Jay Triano!  Toronto’s new coach, faced with the unenviable task of going into the hardest arena to visit in the League, took a 27-point L.  Somewhere, Sam Mitchell was laughing at his suit.  And wishing he had that Vince Carter locker room scuffle on video.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

“Have some of this hot, Queens, quinoa, Ronny!”, said Ron Artest.

Actual quote from a Wizards announcer the other day, following a drive and lay-up by Portland’s Steve Blake:  “Steve Blake… unstoppable”  Um, really?… Kevin Ollie is not the answer… If you felt an extreme sense of peace and ease for a brief moment Thursday night, we know the reason.  For a few beautiful seconds, J.R. Smith dribbled in the corner, guarded by Manu Ginobili, and then executed a beautiful behind-the-back dribble move.  All was right in the world of L.O.N. with those two going head-to-head… Marvin Williams — that’s American for good, solid basketball… Does Jermaine O’Neal’s knee brace have hydraulics?  It definitely has candy paint.   Wood grain?…  Can we get an Avery Johnson/Bill Walton Christmas duets album?  Awesome…

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Line Of The Night:

Nene — 19 points, 11 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks

We come back from Turkey Time for this?  Absolutely no one qualifies for any of the L.O.N. special sections?  Come on ya’ll.  The importance of this line is that it even had the opportunity to happen.  Nene’s career has been racked by injuries and setbacks (and that’s WAY too weak of a word for cancer), and maybe this year, under the radar, he’s fulfilling some of that potential.  Stay healthy, dunny!

Worst Of The Night:

Mike Dunleavy is such a bad offensive coach, that not only can he not find ways to improve his players’ chances of scoring, but he somehow sucks the instincts from them, leaving them completely witless on the offensive end, especially in the 4th quarter.  This has been going on for years, spanning various personnel combos, and never was there a better example than last night’s chokefest vs. the Mavs.  The Clip Joint was up 96-84 with 4:33 left, and lost 98-100.  Yes sir… TWO POINTS IN 4:33!  Amazing.  The shots they threw up down the stretch were indescribably bad.

Jose Juan Barea, one of the Mavs’ offensive heroes, summed it up well:

“Their faces were looking shaky. They’re a good one-on-one team. We played like a team in the zone.”

Think that’s getting a bullet point on Dunleavy’s resume?  “I’ll make my players’ faces look shaky”.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs — 77 points vs. the Pistons

San Antonio, you’ve been Sheeded.  Late in the third quarter, incensed at a call from a ref, Sheed came out of a timeout focused, going on a Sheed-0 run (6 straight points).  Game time.  It was Pistons from there… almost as if Dunleavy’s 4th Quarter Trance had somehow permeated it’s way into the San Antonio huddle.

Revenge, Getback And Retribution Of The Night:

Andre Miller — 28 points, 4 assists, 4 boards, 3 steals

In case you missed it over the weekend, Derrick Rose absolutely abused Dre in Philly, first with an out-of-nowhere-breakaway-Tayshaun-Prince-On-Reggie-Miller block, and then with an A.I.-On-Jordan-ankle-breaking crossover.  Miller literally fell on the ground.  If that had been a rap battle, Miller’s entire career would have been deaded.  We are talking Cuban Link after he crossed Fat Joe dead.  But in the NBA, there’s always another game, and in this case, and immediate rematch.  Miller can take a little solace in out-scoring the young gun last night, and getting the Sixers an OT win, but unfortunately heads are going to be typing “rose miller” in the YouTube search box for years to come.

Vlad-man’s Death Ray goggles… The Drought Is Over 6 > Dedication 3, hands down.  “All my kicks fly, like Liu Kang’s”.  Come on haters, deep on your heart you know that’s hot.  At least if you’re old enough to know who Liu Kang is… Chauncey Billups = even better than we thought… Lakers lose.  It’s news.  Done…