L.O.N.

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Kanye’s “Street Lights” makes this entire experimentation phase of sorts he’s in, or whatever you want to call it, worth it.  That’s classic material.  Can’t you see P.J. Carlesimo contemplating life, to that track, as he gets the hell out of Oklahoma City?  Yeah, we can’t either.

Line Of The Night:

Vinsanity — 39 points, 9 boards, 6 assists, 1 steal

Sorry Mr. Bosh.  We’ve put you through a rough week.  You had last night’s L.O.N.nie wrapped up, only to have Mr. Carter (no not that one… no not that one either… yeah, that one) come through and snatch it.  His clutch shots give him a shot at this honor, and then that perfect game-ending reverse alley-oop sealed the deal.  Word to Lawrence Frank on that, too.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

T-Wolves — 78 points vs. the Ceatles

This franchise had it’s heart and soul stolen when KG was shipped to Boston, and last night he finally came back to put the proverbial stake in said heart.  And then there was dust.

Memphis — 76 points vs. the Mavs

Mike Conley, supposed point guard, 14 points and 0 assists.  Let us only pray to Pac above that this not the only Buckeye failure of the weekend.

Trade Of The Night:

G-State gets:

J-Creezy

The Knickerbockers get:

Al Harrington

In reality, this is a pure FREE AL HARRINGTON situation, but as soon as the deal went down, the L.O.N. offices were awash in celebration with the news that fellow Michigan alum (ok, he’s probably not official alum, but ya’ll know what we’re sayin’) Jamal Crawford was heading to one of our favorite teams.  Of course, since he was leaving the new-fangled Knicks, where he was a key component of D’Antoni’s attack, his new situation is probably equal, at best, for the entertainment factor, but we still love it.

As a eulogy on the Al Harrington/Nellie Era, we never quite understood the problem.  Seemed an ideal situation for Al, but now he’s probably headed to an equally ideal spot.  Get ‘er done, Al.  And pour out a little red-eye cocktail service for Jonathan Bender, while you’re at it.

Trade Part II Of The Night:

The Clip Joint gets:

Zach Randolph
Mardy Collins

The Knickerbockers get:

Cat Mobley
Tim Thomas

This is atrocious on so many levels for the Clippers that we do not even know where to start.  When the season began, D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh probably had a convo something like this: Walsh:  “Hey Mike, let’s try to get Z-Bo off to a hot start so we can find some sucker to take him of our hands.”  D’Antoni:  “Aww man… do I have to?  I was hoping to have a my own version of the 3 Tenors down there w/ Starbury, E-City and him.”  Walsh:  “Do it.  Trust me.”

Hypnotism?  Blackmail?  What’s your secret, Mr. Walsh?  More importantly, who is going to eat cheeseburgers with E-City, now?

Hey Mr. Dunleavy, why don’t you hand the Knicks the keys to the NBA for the ’10’s?  This puts them in the pole position of the LeBron sweepstakes, or so conventional wisdom says.  Oh to have access to the Patriot Act wiretap trained on the James household today… ABUZZ.

Rookie Of The Night:

Derrick Rose — 25 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals

Derrick’s jumper was certainly in full bloom (buh-doomp-doomp-piiisshhhhh) last night in G-State.  He took over this game down the stretch, hitting j after j after j after j.  He even gave the crowd the ol’ finger-over-the-lips “hush” symbol after one shot.  Too bad he apparently got stabbed on the court, somehow, near the end.  He finished the game in pain, on the bench, with an icepack on his abdomen.  Weird.  This odd injury closely followed fellow rook Anthony Randolph being hit in the neck by an invisible blow dart.  Some definite hijinx went down in the Bay, last night.  Speaking of Randolph… he may be Nellie’s dream player.  He’s a longer L-Eezy without quite the same handle.  Nellie likes his handle enough, though, as he had him bringing the ball up as the point several times.  He looks raw, exciting, and wildly inconsistent.  But hella fun.  Another speaking of… why haven’t Odom and Nellie hooked up?  Isn’t Lamar the definition of?  Somebody make it happen.

Insult To Injury Of The Night:

It has been well-documented that after comparing notes with fellow Duke alum Carlos Boozer, this past off-season, Elton Brand snaked the Clip Joint.  Well, last night he added venom to the insult.  And the injury.  Despite struggling most of the night, Brand nailed the go ahead jumper in the final minutes, and was right there on D to prevent the Clippers from scoring.  Who knows though… Dunleavy seems to be collecting big men that make a lot of money.  Maybe they’ll trade for him.

Orlando has slide under our radar a bit.  They started off slow, but now are right there with the LeBrons at 2nd in the East.  Nice… Rasho!  You missed your chance!  2 more points in you’re in the Near Ice Cube section!  Ever again?… Come on J.R., don’t go out as the garbage man… Houston has to at least take a, um, quantum of solace in the fact that despite their disjointed play, they are sitting ok at 8-5… Will someone please play power forward for Charlotte?  This is getting ridiculous… With limited roster, Starbury given the option to play and chooses not to… The Thunder is so disgusting.  Sorry, Kevin…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 40 points, 11 assists, 5 blocks, 1 steal

We dare you to watch a Miami Heat home game and not end up walking around all night yelling, Dwyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade.  Supposedly Chris Bosh called up his director immediately after hearing about this L.O.N.nie, in order to work on a protest documentary.  “But L.O.N., I scored 40 last night, and I didn’t get it cause we lost.  Now you rub it in my face by giving it to a guy my team beats?  It’s not fair.”  Il Mago was our second choice.  Happy?  Didn’t think so.

Worst Of The Night:

David Stern… The League… OKC’s owners… whoever… You replace the Seattle Supersonics, one of the storied franchises in the NBA, with this joke?  The Thunder?  That is an absurd name.  Their court looks like a circus tent.  Over half their roster belongs in the D-League.  What a debacle.

Amazing sub-fact:  they printed and sold t-shirts to commemorate the first meeting between the Clippers and Thunder in OKC!  Speechless.  Fill in your own punchline here.

Beast Of The Night:

Andrew Bogut — 20 boards, 16 points, 3 assists, 1 block

There is some suuurrrous rebounding going down this season.  Bogut probably needed a few less boards though, and a few more makes, since they took an L to the Jazz.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Joe Johnson — 19 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

It was a struggle for Joe all night — 7 turnovers, 7-22 shooting — until winning time, that is.  Then he did what he does, and the Hawks put away the hapless Wizards.  It also helped that in the last two minutes, the Wiz forgot that Caron Butler was on their team and Nick Young played as nervous as a wet cat.

Also, Marvin Williams.  That’s because we love him and his team is better than Chris Paul’s (right now).

Near Beast Of The Night:

Zaza Pachulia — 18 boards, 4 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

If Zaza — playing with essentially one arm, no less — is nearly beasting fools, then we are really starting to believe Brendan Haywood is Washington’s missing link.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 74 points vs. Portland

Only 74 AND you lose by 42?  You were down by 20+ at the half and needed only 43 to break 80.  Have some pride guys.  There is physically and mentally no way Portland’s D was as intense in the second half.  Shouldn’t the bench guys want to get some shine?  Are they simply that terrible?  Vinny the Black?  What do you have to say?

Thief In The Night Of The Night:

Cuttino Mobley — 23 points, 7 steals, 2 boards

And these weren’t handed to him, or even the “cheating in the passing lane” variety.  These were legit, “run your jewels, son!” jacks, mostly on Kevin Durant.  Young fella is going to have review the film and tweak his turn-and-face after all these Mobley rips.  Durant got him back a little though.  Tim Thomas pulled the “Kobe in the Olympics vs. Rudy” defensive strategy of forcing his man baseling with no help in site.  Durant accepted the invitation and BOOM — dunk mouth.  No breakfast served though, as Mobley deftly avoided the meal, sort of flying by with his arms straightup, with a very frightened look on his face.  And one last thing… no decent barber in OKC, Kevin?  We’re just sayin’.

Lorinza “Junior” Harrington.  Don’t ever forget… What is Lindsey Hunter doing in a Bulls uniform?  Did he miss Big Ben?… Has A.I. rejuvenated ‘Sheed?  The Pistons took down the Cavs in a nice little post-season preview, last night… What’s up, N’awlins?  Sacto?  Really?… It was great to see Josh Smith so excited on the bench during the Hawks win.  Get better and get back on the court!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Pau Gasol — 34 points, 6 boards, 3 assists

Lakers.  8-1.  Sickly talented.  Deal with it.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Stephen Jackson — 20 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

This is a nice line with a couple skeletons in the closet.  Those would be 5-18 shooting and 5 turnovers!  The Warriors won though, so all is forgiven.  The real issue is whether or not we should give in and enjoy this Anthony Morrow young’n?  The shot is sweet… but will Nellie soon bury him on the bench with no remorse?  Or is this a real breakout?

Near Beast Of The Night:

Troy Murphy — 19 boards, 10 points, 4 assists, 1 steal

With Murph grabbing 19 Rodmans (yeah, we’re some old heads), and Rasho Nesterovic dropping a ridic 21 points, 7 boards, 5 dimes, 3 blocks and 2 steals line, you might hazard a guess that the Hawks’ big man Al Horford left this one early on, with an ankle injury.  After this, their 4th straight L, looks like the wheels are falling in the A-T-L both literally (Al and Josh Smith out with ankle/foot injuries) and figuratively.  Ya’ll better keep some security ’round the players lot.

Chris Bosh — 40 points, 18 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

Battle?  Chris Bosh.  War?  Dwight Howard and the Magic.

Rookie Of The Night:

Greg Oden — 22 points, 10 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Now that’s how you do it like a G O!

NBA-Tinged Lyrics Of The Night:

“Magic City Monday, yes she the-yere/Trying to catch a number of a couple more players/One from the Hawks and, one from the Braves and/the NBA types she want nothing but athletes”

That’s from Killer Mike’s “Delilah”, part of his Sunday Morning Massacre series.  Question… the young lady he’s talking about… is she on her way to a different city as a result of this losing streak?

Brian Scalabrine for mayor.  But really, why is USC home of the red-headed male?  Do they have a scholarship program?  A research project?  What?… LeBron James, youngest player to 11,000 career points…  Also youngest player to be “good friends” with a Hip-Hop mogul that happens to be a part owner of a team in arguably the most important market for the league… Tyler Zeller was probably cursed the second he stepped inside Chapel Hill city limits.  Dude looks just like Duke’s mascot!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

The TNT production truck for the Denver/Cleveland game.

As the 3rd quarter began in last night’s game, a miracle of miracles occurred — Reggie Miller’s mic was cut off!  It was short-lived, and the words of the Czar were also lost in the collateral damage, but it was a glorious time nonetheless.  Praise Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Jah, Pac and the Ruler Zig Zag Zig Allah.

Near Fat Lever Of The Night:

LeBron James — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

But it was all about the D, son.  Word is that at halftime, Bron was walking around singing: “Give me a ‘Lo lockdown, a ‘Lo lockdown, gimme a ‘Lo lock down, you looooose”.  And that’s what happened.  Life was very difficult for Melo in the second half and the Cavs got a rare (for the Melo/Bron Era) win over the Nuggets.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Erick Dampier — 18 boards, 16 points, 3 blocks, 1 assist, 1 steal

Nice little stat line from Damp, but the ship be sinking in Dallas, as they lost to the Chi and fell to 2-6.  FREE GERALD GREEN!

Andris Biedrins — 19 boards, 17 points, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

Biedrins has been the highlight of an otherwise bleak season for G-State.  They lost this one to the Pistons, but your boy is starting to look like a nice all-around player.  What they really need to do is go ahead and ship Al Harrington so they can add another legit guy to their rotation.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Hey Jason Maxiell — have some of this AZUBUIKE BACON!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, SON!  Courtesy of Head Chef Kelenna Azubuike.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“‘Cause I was running game like Larry to a Bird who could score a lot of points while she dribbles on my balls ’cause she go hard for the green like Celtics”

That’s from 88-Keys’ “Ho’ Is Short For Honey” off his The Death Of Adam album.  It’s a solid album, but the theme/storyline he tried to go with does not add much, and probably detracts.  “Stay Up” feat. Kanye is the joint, though.

Matt Barnes, Rafter Alston and Steve Nash suspended for their roles in Wednesday night’s dust up.  Nash?  All he did was get abused twice by McGradles… Best ticket package around league?  Detroit’s 5-game “Fiverson Package”.  Get it?  Awesome… That was a garbage call/ejection on Kenyon.  Pure reputation.  Where’s the support Kenny and Chuck?  What did Kenyon do, exactly, on the last play?  Pure flop… OMG, if Will Bynum had completed that dunk on Turiaf…
Leandro Barbosa’s mother passed, and he will miss several games while he travels to Brazil.  Keep your head up, playa…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 30 points, 19 boards, 10 blocks, 3 assists

That speaks for itself.  Beastaculous.  The real big man story in this Magic/Thunder game, though, was Robert Swift’s shocking makeover.  He went from the stringy, long-hair/slacker/skater/rocker look, to the product-induced, kinda short, metro mohawk look.   Odd.

Worst Of The Night:

There are probably a bunch of Lakers fans out there wondering why there is so little L.O.N. coverage of the only remaining undefeated team (the Ceatles made sure of that, taking down the Hawks in a thriller last night) thus far this year.  A team who, after all, features the Official Player of L.O.N., and Revolutionary Team Captain, Lamar Odom A.K.A. L-Eezy.  Well, first of all, L-Eezy isn’t exactly a featured member of that stacked team; he’s only cracked the 30 minute mark once.  Second of all, there is our well-chronicled history with the Kobster, A.K.A. Kobe Cryant.  But that is not even the deal-breaker.  Mr. Cryant is one of those “love to hate types”, and without our Mamba animosity, how could we love Kevin Garnet, J.R. Smith and Travis Outlaw so damn much?  Yin and Yang, ya’ll.  No, the straw that breaks the Lakers’ back is none other than Joel Meyers.  We literally cannot stand listening to the man talk for more than 23 seconds.  It’s like fingernails on a chalkboard meets a jackhammer to the abdomen.  A nuclear explosion of excruciating pain and irritance.  Give us national Lakers coverage, or our dawg Ralph Lawler calling an intra-city match, and we’ll be there for ya’ll.  Until then, though, it’s boxscores and boxscores only.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 18 points, 10 assists, 9 boards

This performance against the T-Dot marks three straight all-around games from the Other A.I. (Can we call him something else, though?  What?  An excruciating debate took place in the L.O.N. offices over this, and it remains unresolved), and with him rolling like this and Elton Brand having his best game of the season (25/8), the Sixers showed signs of living up to the hype last night.

T.J. Ford — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

All you internet stat heads can rave all you want about Jose Calderon this, and assist-plus-minus-percentage-ratio that, but if the ball dropped on the court tomorrow, and L.O.N. had to pick somebody to run our squad?  T.J. Ford, all day, ereday.  A healthy (ok, that’s a big if, we admit) T.J. Ford can DOMINATE a game, and that is just what he did last night in Dirty Jerse.

Brad Miller — 16 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BRAD MIZZLE!  One country boy center dominates another (Chris Kaman).

Contraction Club Of The Night:

San Antonio Spurs, 78 points vs. the Milwaukee Bucks

This is a legit contraction scenario.  Off their current roster, you throw Tim Duncan and a couple other guys into a contraction draft and poof… it’s like they never existed.

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Honey Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — The MRSV says: “Nice scarf!  The wink, and he’s smiling and giving me googley eyes.”

About 4 years ago, the infamous Malice In The Palace went down.  Call it ugly, call it what you want, but we call it entertaining and have never pretended not to love any level of NBA skirmish, fight or brawl.  Last night’s Houston/Phoenix game gave us a little something something.

Matt Barnes set it off with an out-of-nowhere forearm shiver to Skip-To-My-Lou, who was about to set a standard high screen on Barnes.  From there an amorphous scrum broke out.  The whole thing was basically a lot of big guys pushing on little guys.  Barnes pushes Rafer Alston, then McGradles shoves lil’ Stevie Nash, then Big Shaq shoved every-damn-body.  While Barnes and Alston were initially separated, they almost managed to get back at each other right near the court side seats.  Suns coach Terry Porter managed to get in between them though, before it got really Bubba Sparxxx.  Other than those two guys, McGradles was the most heated, probably because he saw the initial cheap shot on his teammate.  He was ready to “ride together”, ala S-Jax back in ‘04, but he had Luis Scola to hold him back (word to big man peacemakers).  Ironically this whole thing was probably one idiot Pistons fan and a Ron Artest moment from getting extra out of hand, and guess who happened to be on the Rockets’ bench?

A logical question might be, “Why did Matt Barnes lick that initial shot on Skip?  Was there some sort of pretext?”.  Good luck with that.  Watching him over the years, we’ve seen that he has a temper, pure and simple.  He has never been afraid to lick a shot, and only Pac knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

Jermaine O’Neal two straight double-doubles, two straight losses.  Coincidence?… Nice to see Greg Oden make it through a game, and even have a few nice plays (a dunk and a couple blocks)… Wilson who?…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Garnett — 21 points, 10 boards, 3 assists, 1 block

This is all about what you cannot see in the line.  Peezy went for 36, but he would have been sitting on the bench, getting blown out by the Raptors, if it was not for K.G.  Back at home after an intense win in Detroit, the Ceatles were about as lively as John Lennon and George Harrison during the first half.  The only exception was the Kid, who had his motor running, as usual.  When the rest of his guys still weren’t really into it in the second half, he ratcheted up to that other level, getting everybody going.  He even started pressing Jose Calderon full court, reaching and pointing and clapping and yapping the whole time.  It was a beautiful sight to behold.  Really, can’t they transform his blood into some kind of laptop battery?  Car fuel?  A general high efficiency energy source?  Obama has the solution to the country’s economic, gas, and enviromental problems right under his nose.

Worst Of The Night:

Hey Phoenix, if you are going to pound the ball into Amare and Shaq, maybe you guys should practice the entry pass?  We counted at least 6 failed entry passes in last night’s game against the Grizz.  Gross.  Matt Barnes alone screwed up 3 in a row, at one point!  Overall the Suns are in textbook Bizarro world right now… it’s an odd scene out there in Arizona.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 29 points, 19 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

Ok, Greg.  You’ve officially dodged the murder’s row of centers you were set to face to open the season, and your team, the Blazers, even came out of it with a respectable 4-3 record.  Time to come back an enjoy your overwhelming physical advantage.

Rookie Of The Night:

O.J. Mayo — 33 points, 5 assists, 3 boards, 3 steals

Wow.  Coming out of college, we were not exactly sure what Mr. Mayo was going to give us in the NBA.  After two consecutive 30+ games, now we know (well, maybe we don’t… after all, these performances came against the no D Warriors and the “what the hell are we doing out here, coach?” Suns).  Dude is a natural offensive (more offensive than Ralph Nader, more offensive than Andrew Dice Clay, more offensive than Mike Martz, more offensive than Michael Vick at the Westminster Kennel Club, more offensive than an Eminem concert in the Vatican, more offensive than our earlier Beatles comment) talent, and not afraid to have the ball in his hands.  In fact, if every player in uniform for both the Grizz and the Suns had ganged up on him and physically tried to wrestle the ball away from him last night in the 4th quarter, it might have been mission impossible.  And we’re including Shaq in that.  He literally had the ball in his hands over 90% of the time for the Grizz in the fourth.  He balled out for sure, but we were definitely having visions of early-post-Shaq-liberated Kobe.  Mayo could have capped this performance off with a big time clutch shot, but failed on a long, long gun to tie with a few seconds left.

Overall, Memphis has a whole lot of talent, but almost no clue how to play with each other.  With under two minutes to go, they failed to inbound the ball TWICE IN A ROW!  Come on, guys.

Hakim Warrick to Robin Lopez:  get some, have some, want some!  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!… Amare removes the goggles.  Too bad, we kind of liked them… Leandro Barbosa finally suited up last night, dropping 27 points, but still only played 22 minutes… It hurts to see what has become of the Vinsanity of it all.  He looked hapless last night in clutch (2 turnovers in 3 possessions), as D-Wade showed him how it is properly done… How much extra time do K.G., The Truth and Ray Allen have on their hands now that every single media outlet in the universe no longer has to do an obligatory “Big 3″ feature?  More or less than Melo has, now that the braids are gone?…  The obligatory Hawks reference:  Solomon Jones… Gold medalist Nastia Liukin court side, in Pacers jersey, at Pacers game, but actually a Mavericks fan…  FREE ALICIA SACRAMONE!…

As seen on SLAMOnline:

Line Of The Night:

Devin Harris — 38 points, 5 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

These 38 points against the Pistons included 20-24 from the line!  The question everyone is going to ask… would Chauncey have allowed that?  A.I.’s offense is unquestioned, but he brings a different type of defensive presence than Mr. Big Shot.  Even on O, down the stretch, there were a couple of plays where A.I. made a much different play than Chauncey would have in the same situation, but A.I.’s way worked, too, in those cases.  Losing to the teams like the Nets, though, will not work.  So it still remains to be seen how well he will fit in defensively — and overall — with a franchise that has become synonymous with the word “team” in recent history.

Worst Of The Night:

Have the wheels fallen completely off in D.C.?  The Wiz dropped to 0-4 after a 108-114 loss to the Knicks on Friday. Ever since Agent Zero hurt his knee, they started to develop and identity as a tough, gritty, defensive team, and now, so far this year, they are giving up more points than a great icosahedral 120-cell.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 33 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 3 steals

So this is what he would look like if D-Wade was allowed to play back at Marquette for a few games.  After the Tony Parker injury, San Anton went from a team that traditionally has one of the best D’s in the league, to a team that looks like one of the best D-League teams, in the league.

LeBron James — 27 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 4 blocks, 1 steal

You know what it is, you know how it is.  The 4 blocks really underscores probably the only under-rated aspect of the King’s game — his D.  And speaking of game… Business LeBron has plenty of it, don’t he?

C.J. Watson — 9 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 torn elbow ligament

Watson took over Nellie’s point guard reins, in place of DeMarcus Nelson, Friday night, and stuffed the stat sheet, but the team took an L to the Grizz.  This could be yet another short-term situation, as Marcus Williams — the most pedigree-ed PG of the 3 — finally made his Warriors debut and may have this spot on lock soon.

Jason Kidd — 22 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

A near-triple-double list this long would only be complete with the master.  Uh… what were we saying about Billups’ D?

Juan Dixon made a surprising run at this section last night, too, but amazingly came up short in the points column with only 5 — rarely seen.

Moment Of Reflection Of The Night:

The scene:  Carmelo Anthony, fresh off a victory over the Dallas Mavericks, in Chauncey Billups’ (a legit point guard) debut, wanders Denver’s 16th Street Mall, with a mindless grin wide across his face, mumbling:

“And I wonder, if you know, what it means…. to find your dreams… And I’m back on my grind… a psychic read my lifeline… Told me in my lifetime… My name would help light up the Denver skyline.. and that’s why I’m… 7 o’clock that’s prime time… Coach Karl watch, imploring me from the sidelines… he always give me playing time…I’m a star, how could I not shine?…Now Chauncey Billups in the house… Chauncey Billups in the house without a doubt… Something with this deal got me thinking it’s for real… I gotta point!… We got a Black presideeeeeeent… Trade it for nothing, not even a MVP and some riiiiiiiiiiiiings… You ever wonder what it all really mean?… You ever wonder if you’ll ever find your dreams?”

Team Dime Of The Night:

Mike Bibby — 19 points, 12 assists, 3 boards,

Apparently Bibby is not intimidated by all those mean mugs Jose Calderon offers up during games.  Apparently the rest of the league should be intimidated by — GASP — the best team in the East, your Atlanta Hawks!  They stomped the life out of the Raptors last night (come on fellas, make a run!) despite losing J-Smoove early on to a high ankle sprain.  The ATLiens might even be able to keep this type of play up without their star, considering their bench has been a strength so far this season.  Smith may decide he has achieved it all and just retire, anyway.  Right before he got hurt, he put down a sick alley oop and received a perfect 10 on the vaunted Dominique “Dunk-O-Meter”.  Really, what more is there?

Shaq sits out vs. the Bulls in the first game of a back-to-back situation, and with that 6 and 5 line, looks like Steve Nash basically sat out, too… George Hill at least showed the physical attributes to explain his selection by the Spurs in the 1st round… This just in — the Jazz are good at home… Brad Miller back on the scene, drops a double-double on Al Jefferson’s head, Kings win…  Come on.  Rudy Gay.  That dude is sick.  Nastaculous.  We once called him the next Tim Thomas.  Public apology…  FREE RUSSELL WESTBROOK!… Sorry, K-Mart, but we’re not feeling the lip print tattoo behind your ear.  It’s not even because it’s red lips.  It makes us feel like we have an itch behind our ear… OMG, Brandon Bass, says the Birdman…

As seen on SLAMOnline.

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 55 points, 10 assists, 7 boards

Get your shine on, get your shine on, all day long, Tony, get your shine on!  Possibly because he’s not a “pure” point and because he has two star teammates in Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili, the French Pastry is left out of the “best point guard in the game” arguments, time after time after time.  But guess what — your boy does in fact play point guard, regardless of his pureness, he has won three chips, and now, with this double-nickel performance, joined a club which previously only had two members — Michael Jordan and Oscar Robertson.  Come on ya’ll, he’s in the conversation.  Just ask Randy Foye and Corey Brewer, two guys that will probably get a little sick to their stomach at even the sight of a croissant, in the future.

Honorable Mention Of The Night:

Amare Stoudemire — 49 points, 11 boards, 6 assists, 5 steals, 2 blocks

LeBron James — 41 points, 9 boards, 6 assists, 4 steals

Sorry guys.  It was looking good early, for one of you, then “Minnesota finds a million ways not to close out the Spurs” happened.  Double OT = double-nickel.

Worst Of The Night:

This is not a good sign for the Charlotte Larry Brown Era:

“Jared! Jared!” Brown yelled down the bench, looking for forward Jared Dudley.  “He’s in the game,” one player called back.

No further comment necessary.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

New Orleans, 79 points vs. the ATLiens

Did we mention this was in New Orleans?  That’s a nice road win, Atlanta.  Looks like Dem Georgia Boys did not get complacent after their playoff run-in with the Ceatles last season and are bringing the D this year.  They have yet to give up more than 90 points in a game, and are now undefeated at 3-0.  Could this be your Southeast Division title winners?

Thanks, But I’ll Keep My Job Of The Night:

Luke Ridnour — 20 points, 11 assists, 7 boards, 2 steals

Right after we called for his job, Ridnour shows us why it is in fact, his job, in a 112-104 OT win over Washington.  His P-N-C Ramon Sessions had a 22/8 night, as well, so maybe Washington needs to work on that perimeter defender?  Stopping the ball is usually a good idea.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

During the 4th quarter of the Denver/G-State game, Andris Biedrins dribbled the ball near center court.  He found Captain Jack at the high post, then received the ball back on the ol’ give-and-go, guarded by Nene.  He somehow made a quick dash back into the Oracle’s kitchen, then BAAAAAM!!!!  “HAVE SOME OF THESE LATVIAN BACON CREPES, NENE!!!!!!  Do they have those in Brazil, playa?”

Nene made quick work of his meal, then kindly left a tip — the and-1 foul.

D-Wade was 2 blocks away from 5×5 glory… Kelenna Azubuike had a ridic block on a Dahntay Jones dunk attempt.  Dude never did like breakfast… MJ and Ahmad courtside together in the Garden?  We know somebody has a punch line for that…  How is it humanly possible, in a Mike D’Antoni offense, for a guy to score 24 points on 9-12 shooting in the 1st half of a game, and then take 0 shots in the second half?  Nate Robinson pulled it off, last night, somehow… Another terrible game for the Clip Joint.  They drop to 0-5 after succumbing to a late 22-0 run by the Lakers…

As seen on SLAMOnline.com.

Line Of The Night:

Gerald Wallace — 34 points, 9 boards, 3 assists, 3 blocks, 2 steals

Nice line for Wallace, as he led the Bobcats to a win in their home opener against the Miami Heat, who, by the way, may be the early candidate for worst defensive team in the league.  You know your D is bad when Wallace’s normally scary J turns wet.  However, what may be even more foreboding, is the Brown Ultimatum brewing in the Queen City.  Larry Brown.  Shannon Brown.  Andre Brown.  MJ’s camel brown blazer.  Beware.

Worst Of The Night:

Jamal Crawford — 4 assists, 1 point on 0-6 shooting

Oh no.

Beast Of The Night:

Drew Gooden — 20 boards, 7 points, 3 blocks, 2 assists

And you thought we were talking about the baldy/sideburns/upside down fire flames beard look!  The truly special aspect of this Grizzlies/Bulls game was Derrick Rose, though.  Kid is ridic.  It’s about to be a unanimous R.O.Y. situation.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

OKC, 77 points, Saturday vs. Houston

So we lied.  We have now DVRed and watched at least portions of two OKC games, and that definitely refutes bottom 4 League Pass status.  The fact is, the Kevin Durant intrigue is still there.  Games like this won’t help though, and hearing the name “Thunder” is still annoying.  Cornball.  However, on Sunday against the T-Wolves, when they secured their first franchise win, Durant may have discovered a true P-N-C, in Russell Westbrook.  That does help.

Boston Celtics, 79 points, Saturday vs. Inidana

Ah, yes.  Now we start to see the anticipated championship hangover.  This is perhaps an early sign that the Ceatles will not be the same regular season juggernaut of last year.  Not saying they won’t be there when it matters this spring, but that #1 seed may be worth gunning for by the East’s common folk.

Clip Joint, 79 points, Saturday vs. Utah

Ugh.  As if to immediately prove all the cynics right, B-Diddy and Marcus Camby are already missing games and the Clippers are a mess.  Please fellas, L.A. needs a hoops alternative.  Ralph Lawler deserves better.

6th Man Of The Night:

James Posey — 15 points, 6 boards, 4 steals, 2 assists

That’s why they signed him.  In one of the first “Finals Preview” type games of the season, the Hornets took down the Cavs 104-92, on Saturday.  The Hornets stars were major, but it was the Posey Show in the 4th quarter, as he hit clutch shots and helped limit Bron to 15 points on 40% shooting.  His march to Robert Horry status has begun.

Marbury in G-State?  Let’s make it happen.  Crazy loves crazy… Speaking of crazy, Mike Beasley loves the jumpshot.  Is he the modern Glenn Robinson?… Oh, and speaking of crazy, when Shawn Marion left Phoenix, did he steal the souls of Raja Bell and Leandro Barbosa?  Or are those guys the basketball equivalent of the Steve Spurrier-coached Florida QBs of the 90s — good in a specific system but straight pedestrian outside of it?…  Maybe we’re crazy, but what more does Ramon Sessions have to do to beat out Luke Ridnour for the starting job?… The Nets organization is definitely not crazy for re-uniting the Czar and Marv on their local telecasts… And back to crazy. Coach Adelman, sir, Yao and McGrady are still in the game with under 2 minutes and a double-digit lead and no sign of life from the Thunder?  My leg, my back, my leg and my back…