Line Of The Night — 06/26/2008 — Draft Edition
We’ve moved offices… we’ve relished in the Ceatles’ victory and the Lakers’ downfall… we’ve made excuses… we’ve procrastinated… but we are back like cooked crack, word to Juelz. L-O-N, baaaaaa-by (said Weezy-style, like “Young mooooo-la, baby!”)!.
Line Of The Night:
Derrick Rose — #1 overall pick to his hometown squad, the Chicago Bulls.
“And the streets say Derrick can’t go back home,
You know when I heard that? When I was back home“
A blessing, or a curse? Rose lived the ultimate dream when he walked across that stage to shake David Stern’s hand, joining the Bulls. Now he has the pressure of a sports-crazed town and the legacy of You Know Who to live up to. One thing is for sure — he is going to need to introduce non-candy items into his diet.
Worst Of The Night:
And with the #8 pick in the 2008 draft, the Milwaukee Bucks select… Joe Alexander. Honestly? Word all week had the Bucks infatuated with the workout wonder, but after the trade for Richard Jefferson, and an apparent movement towards winning now, this pick seems terrible. Not only is Alexander probably not ready to contribute right away, but talented big man Brook Lopez was still on the board, and you can never have enough skilled big men. This pick has bust written all over it, unless management’s goal was to secure a guaranteed halftime entertainment for all of their home game, because now they can trot out Alexander and Desmond Mason for a 1-on-1 dunk contest every night.
Honorable Mention Worst Of The Night:
The ESPN broadcast. ESPN may not have added 1 single good thing to the draft, in their broadcast. The only good parts were the actual events and anything the draftees brought to the table. Stuart Scott was horrible. He was at his corniest and kept repeating information in close succession. Those chairs in which Stephen A. conducted his interviews were huge — so big that pro ballers did not look right in them. And they had to be uncomfortable. They were probably perfect to get a good shoe shine, though. Jeff Van Gundy, whom we loved during the Playoffs, may have not watched a single college basketball game in this century… and maybe even last. That does not lead to informed opinions. Mark Jackson is trying too hard to get a job with an NBA organization, so his performance was best described as vanilla (although he did appear in the L.O.N. C.E.O.’s dream later that night, serving up caffeinated hypeness from a giant espresso machine). Scarily, despite being unintentional, Dookie Jay Bilas provided the most entertainment of the night. The Bilas-Length-O-Meter was off the charts. This man knows length! It’s practically the only attribute he talked about during the broadcast. He even managed to extol the length of “listed at 6′0″ point guard and 2nd round pick Sean Singletary! Amazing.
But come one Worldwide Leader… to quote one of your analysts, you’re better than that!
Best Dressed Of The Night:
D.J. Augustin. Weird pick, great suit. The Charlotte Hornets, in desperate need of a center, passed on Brook Lopez to pick… a point guard. Hey Mike, hey Larry… ever heard of fellow Carolina guy, Ray Felton? You know, former lottery pick and your current starting point guard? Interesting. Then they follow this pick up with Alexis “PROJECT” Ajinca? Hmmm… a draft inspired by, or maybe even run by, Arsenio Hall?
Worst Dressed Of The Night:
Eric Gordon. When we first saw him, we were not sure if we were supposed to start ordering drinks, ask if we needed a reservation, or maybe hand him our car keys? Ebony and ivory were not living together in perfect harmony with this ensemble. Honorable mention goes to O.J. Mayo who went extra, extra on every single accessory. Excessive attention to detail is good for your J and D, but not so good with the wardrobe. Check Jerryd Bayless for more info on whole to pull off the all white/cream look.
Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Of The Night:
And with the 23rd pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Utah Jazz select… Kosta Koufos!
Best Insert Your Own Joke Here Moment Part II Of The Night:
Robin Lopez stars in… The Hat.
The Lopez Twins take goofy to a whole ‘nother level, but they have the potential to be the best NBA twins ever. Each twin needs the other’s balling attributes in order to complete their own repertoire, so a genetically engineered super twin would have it all. But if one twin can do it, logic would say so can the other, right? Meanwhile, on some real yin and yang type ish, Robin steps into a great — desirable location, playoff team — in Phoenix, while Brook joins the Dirty Jerse “Patiently Waiting For LeBron” Nets. Philosophize on that, son. And by the way, Brook, you thought dropping in the draft was worth crying over? Well, welcome to New Jersey.
Booed Off The Stage At The Apollo Of The Night:
So wack. Give it up, Shan.
IrrelevantBeef.com Of The Night:
Soulja Boy vs. Ice T… STOP! Sure, Soulja Boy was a phenomenon. He swept the nation. The L.O.N. employees even stopped work one day to nail every step. But has he done anything since, really? Will he do anything? Maybe, maybe not, but for now his 15 minutes are up. Ice T… who? He’s been irrelevant for possibly 15 years. We all lose in this beef.
Revolutionary Squad Inductee Of The Night:
J.R. Smith, welcome to the club, you are now officially a L.O.N. Revolutionary. Go, young man, and spread the gospel from court to court. Our monthly column best describes the reasoning behind his induction:
‘He is the living, breathing result of a video game “Create A Player” experiment gone awry. He’s the next evolution of the Ricky Davis/J.R. Rider prototype, even sharing the latter’s name. Bred from birth to conquer every pre-Sunday All-Star Weekend activity (including partying!). On or off the court, none of his moments are highlights, because all of his moments are highlights. Playas and playettes, it’s J.R. Smith - basketball debauchery in the flesh.’
2nd Round Steals Of The Night AKA Next Gilbert Arenas Of The Night:
Watch out for these cats. There could be a few teams with regrets in a few years
DeAndre Jordan, The Clip Joint — Sure he underachieved, but this guy was projected top 5 at one point. Letting him fall to 35th may have been a little extreme. Although, it may be a positive that he does not have that guaranteed moolah. Young moolah.
Chris Douglas-Roberts, Dirty Jerse — Two words: All-American. 6 More Words: Hopefully not the next Ron Mercer.
Bill Walker, Boston Ceatles — Sick potential an athleticism, but will the knees hold up? Obviously, he’s stepping into a great situation where he can continue to develop slowly.
Trade Of The Night:
Milwaukee gets:
Richard Jefferson… or is it Jeff Richardson?
Dirty Jerse gets:
Yi Jianlian
Bobby Simmons
Richard Jefferson is shipped to Siberia (although Milwaukee should be fairly competitive now, so we think he’ll come around, eventually) and Brick City throws up a neon “LeBron, ETA: 2010″ sign.
Trade Part II Of The Night:
Indiana gets:
Jarrett Jack
Brandon Rush
Josh “I’m Just A Contract” McRoberts
Portland gets:
Jerryd Bayless
Ike Diogu
Diogu? What’s the story? Everybody wants him, until they get him… meanwhile, Portland trades an established combo guard/non-pure point (Jack) for young combo guard/non-pure point with potential — a little strange. In a foxhole, give us Jarrett Jack any time. We ride together, son.
Trade Part III Of The Night:
Indiana gets:
T.J. Ford
Rasho Nesterovic
Roy Hibbert
Toronto gets:
Jermaine O’Neal
Maceo Baston
Does O’Neal’s leg function? Did Toronto just trade something for nothing? We may be in the minority, but we’ll take T.J. Ford over Jose Calderon any run of the week. Ford is a baller. He can take over a game. But we will admit his neck is right there in the same category as O’Neal’s knee.
Trade Part IV Of The Night:
Memphis gets:
O.J. Mayo
Greg Buckner
Marko Jaric (and Adriana Lima)
Antoine Walker
Minnesota gets:
Kevin Love
Mike Miller
Brian Cardinal
Jason Collins
Kevin McHale’s man-crush ruins the second coming of Elvis. And we say an Employee No. 8 buy-out on the horizon. If the Ceatles challenge again next year, can they give him a spot on the roster? Hot.
Trade Part V Of The Night:
Just kidding. There were about 498 more trades, but they all involved Darrell Arthur so no need to comment further.
The L.O.N. C.E.O. defeats the Resident Councilman for at least the 6th straight year in the annual Pick The Draft Challenge… Official NBA Celtic towels… Joey Dorsey ahead of Chris Douglas-Roberts? Is this hyphenated name discrimination?… The Pac-10 was on some Dirty South, hit-after-hit-after-hit type ish, with 6 out of the first 15 picks… Incessant. Draft. Analysis… If you weren’t clear, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys. Got it? By the way, Mike D’Antoni played with Danilo Gallinari’s father, and Kevin Love’s uncle was in the Beach Boys…