L.O.N.

Line Of The Night AKA The 40/40/40 Club Of The Night:

LeBron James — 41 points, 9 boards, 4 assists, 2 steals

The King scored a little more than a third of these in the 4th, to hold off an attempted Laker comeback.  A nice road win for the Cavs.

Caron Butler — 40 points, 8 boards, 5 steals, 2 assists

Milwaukee tried as hard as they could to blow this one to Butler’s Wizards.  They allowed OT, despite an 11 point lead at the 1:32 mark in the 4th quarter.  Butler continues to be one of the most overlooked stars in the L.  Word to McDonald’s straws.

Al Jefferson — 40 points, 19 boards, 3 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Even with this Herculean effort, the T-Wolves still barely beat the hapless Nets by 3.

Beast Of The Night:

Andris Biedrins — 26 boards, 11 points, 2 assists

If a tree falls in the woods… If your stats come against the Knicks, do they really count?  If basketballs were covered in cupcake icing, would Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph come to blows on each round opportunity?  If basketballs smelled like cheeseburgers, would E-City and Z-Bo physically threaten teammates into missing shots on purpose?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 77 vs. Phoenix.

Wow… it’s not unheard of for teams to have 77 at the HALF against Phoenix.  And the Suns only scored 88 in this one!  Classic early afternoon Sunday game.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Chris Paul — 23 points, 17 assists, 9 boards, 2 steals, 1 block

Is there anything more fun on the basketball court for an NBA player than a second half with a 20-point lead against the Nuggets?  They don’t play D to start with, so once the game is out of reach, they provide less resistance than the Japanese Self-Defense Forces.  It’s all gravy for the opposition at that point, as exhibited by the best player on the current best team in the West, Chris Paul.

Rain Delay Of The Night:

We recently mentioned that the Phoenix Suns plan to play an outdoor pre-season game next year, but this weekend, outdoor conditions came inside, at the Staples Center.  In the first quarter of the Lakers/Cavs game, a constant water drip began falling right under one of the baskets.  Danger!  With the rare large amount of SoCal rainfall, it was first assumed the delay was a result of a leak in the roof.  Michele Tafoya was annoyingly all over the issue, courtside, while Bill Walton, from the studio, related interesting anecdote from his playing days regarding Spencer Haywood suffering a harsh knee injury as a result of a similar leak.  Eventually officials claimed roofers had been working on the roof earlier in the day, and left their wet clothes laying on a catwalk above the court.  Hmmm.  This begs for conspiracy theories.  We can’t come up with any good ones but… maybe it was the tears of Kobe Cryant were falling?

The Mailroom Supervisor’s Goo-Goo Gah-Gah Of The Night:

Waaaaaah!  The L.O.N. nursery is open to NBA teams.  The first infants in the MRSV’s care?  The baby-faced duo of Rajon Rondo and Boobie Gibson.  And yes, Boobie will be breast fed!

Another Celtics injury (K.G. missed Sunday’s game with an ab strain), another Celtics loss… Shocker:  Jason Kidd requests trade… Chris Webber to sign with Golden State.  Nellie vs. C-Webb, Round 2!!!… Damon Stoudamire waived by Memphis.  Next stop Boston?… With Corey Maggette sitting out with the infamous “flu-like symptoms”, Tim Thomas gunned his way to 23 attempts, pulling the L.O.N. C.E.O. a little closer in his season-long bet with the Resident Scientist…

Line Of The Night:

Lil’ Monta Ellis — 39 points, 4 boards, 3 steals, 2 assists

We love watching this dude.  He had it all working last night in a win against Dirty Jerse.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Boom Dizzle — 25 points, 12 boards, 10 assists, 5 steals

In a heads-up match-up, Baron out-Kidded Kidd.  Boom!  Dizzle.

Near Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili — 18 points, 11 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals

Can ya’ll please stop doubting the Spurs?  Everyone keeps saying they are old and they don’t have that spark this year.  Well guess what?  After a gutty win at Miami on virtually no rest, they have the same record they had at this point last year, and last year they brought home the chip.  Settle down.

Worst Of The Night:

Late in the third quarter of the Warriors/Nets game, Don Nelson decided to repeatedly intentionally foul the Nets’ Josh Boone, a 36% free-thrower on the year.  Sure, Boone went 7-15 on the night, so the Warriors could have taken advantage, scoring 2 or 3 to the Nets 1, but it didn’t work out like that.  Nelson killed the flow of the game, and that’s really the Warriors advantage — an up-and-down, fast-paced game.  The Nets took the lead, and the Warriors had to rally in the 4th to pull out the win.  Not only did the strategy backfire, but it was awful to watch.

Panties In A Knot Of The Night:

Filling in for Kenny Smith last night, Magic Johnson seemed like he was really trying to put his stamp on the Inside The NBA proceedings.  Usually he fits in nicely as the fourth guy on the set, but last night it seemed like he was trying just a little too hard.  And why did he find it necessary to ride on Vinsanity so much?  He declared him “done” due to his knee problems.  Isn’t done a little harsh?  We agree he is no longer a superstar, but that has been the case for about 5 seasons now!  VC is what he is — a nice complimentary scorer.  Let the man live.  UNC Mob Fo’ life, fool!

All-Star Starters Of The Night:

The voting results are in, here’s who will tip-off this year’s all-star game in New Orleans:

The East:

G — Dwyane Wade and Jason Kidd
F — LeBron James and Kevin Garnett
C — Dwight Howard

Good job by the fans here, with the only problem being Dwyane Wade.  He was hurt for a good portion of the season, and has only shown flashes of his true game after coming back.  The fans love him though, and he’s not a terrible selection.  The problem is, there is no obvious guy that should be there instead.  Guys like Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Joe Johnson and Michael Redd come to mind… but none are sureshots.  What they need to do is let some of the West cats play for the East!

The West:

G — Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson
F — Carmelo Anthony and Tim Duncan
C — Yao Ming

With A.I. surging from behind to overtake McGradles, the fans came close here, but as good as Iverson is, where the hell are Steve Nash and Chris Paul?  The depth at guard in the West is ridic, where there are up to 6 or 7 guys that should be starting over ANYBODY in the East.  The standings simply reflect one thing — the West has more talent.

The Cavs’ Sasha Pavlovic out for up to 2 months with a sprained foot… The Suns to play an outdoors pre-season game next year, at California’s Indian Wells Casino…

Line Of The Night:

Al Jefferson — 39 points, 15 boards, 2 steals, 1 assist

BOO-YA-KA. The T-Wolves win their 2nd straight, knocking off the Suns, and Phoenix is officially eliminated from championship contention.
Best quote of the night from a T-Wolves announcer: “And this is the type of impact Jefferson has been having all season on the team!” Really? And what type of impact is that? 7-34 type of impact? Awesome.

Fat Lever Of The Night:

Josh Smith — 22 points, 12 boards, 10 assists, 5 blocks, 3 steals

Nice for the fantasy team, but…

Beasts Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 21 boards, 13 points, 4 blocks, 4 assists, 1 steal

…bad for the bottom line. Without Melo, the Nuggets still had enough for the visiting Hawks. Camby for MVP?

Chris Kaman — 21 boards, 20 points, 2 blocks, 2 assists, 2 steals

2-2-2-2-2. Whut. Ralph Lawler claims there is no way Kaman can be left off the All-Star squad, and we wouldn’t argue otherwise after this performance in a win vs. the Kings. We’re pretty sure 6 billion Chinese have a slightly different opinion, though, at least as far as the starter goes.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 23 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 block

If anyone out there can give a convincing argument as to why the Cavs cannot make the Finals, we’d like to hear it.

Marko Jaric — 15 points, 10 assists, 8 boards, 1 steal

So this has now been well established: If Marko plays against the Warriors and Suns of the L, where they don’t play D, and he doesn’t have to play D, he can put up some suuuuuuurous numbers.

Beard vs. Beard Of The Night:

Drew “Airhead” Gooden vs. DeShawn “I Have My Name Tattooed Across My Back” Stevenson

Airhead — 18 points, 10 boards, 1 assist

Stevenson — 7 points, 1 assist

Gooden won the individual battle, and the Cavs won the overall war, 121-85. That’s a molly-whopping. And to add insult to injury, Gooden’s beard is WAY longer than DeShawn’s — the two have a bet to see who can go the longest without shaving. If size mattered, Airhead would be the runaway champion.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Illadelph 76ers, 78 points vs. Detroit Pistons

“points” can also be arranged as “piston”. Just saying.

The Mystique Is Gone Of The Night:

Toronto Raptors, 114, Boston Ceatles, 112.

Early this season it was breaking news when the PGA Tour took an L. Now it’s just another ho-hum loss in a long NBA regular season. It took an alien-like shooting performance from Toronto’s trio of Jose Calderon (8-10), Chris Bosh (8-11) and Anthony Parker (8-12) to get the job done, though. That’s what it takes to beat this squad. And Toronto is hoping Il Mago can throw up some more of these 20/7/7 nights.

Buy A Dog And Go To Church Of The Night:

Last night, the New Orleans found a way to do what few other teams have this season — lock up Brandon Roy. A lot of nights that wouldn’t be a problem, as usually somebody from the Blazers’ deep roster would pick up the slack. That somebody was nowhere to be found last night, and we have to blame Travis Outlaw. The statbook shows a decent shooting night, 5-11, so that makes it even more confusing as to why he just froze up from outside. He essentially refused to shoot J’s down the stretch, clogging up the Blazers’ offense. Now we know his weakness. Gotta be brave enough to fail, young fella.

6th Man Of The Night:

Tracy McGradles — 28 points, 5 assists, 4 boards

While Outlaw may not have had his T-Mac-esque J working, T-Mac DEFINITELY had his T-Mac-esque J working (except for when Kevin Durant gave his idol a little of THIS)! The Sonics were on fire throughout the game, and it took every last one of these points for the Rockets to grind out a 109-107 win. It was beautiful to watch McGradles just take things over down the stretch.

Practically no one is talking about the 28-13 Mavs. Slipping under the radar? A refusal to acknowledge these uniforms? Or the anticipation of another “only good during the regular season” campaign?… A message to Seattle’s announcers — stop calling them the “Supes”. Yes, we mean you, Kevin Calabro and Snapper Jones… Brandon Roy and Steve Blake ran a TEXTBOOK 2-on-1 fast break, without the ball touching the ground. Back-and-forth, back-and-forth. Beautiful…

I’ve gotta dream. We’re gonna work it out, out, out.

Always a big up to the NBA for it’s celebration of King Day. The highlight of which may have been the TNT fellas losing their minds at about 2 AM, towards the end of Inside The NBA, at which point Charles Barkley declared the similarity of Oliver Miller to Dr. King! Hilarious.

Line Of The Night:

Dwyane Wade — 42 points, 7 assists, 6 boards, 3 steals, 1 block

Yet-and-still, despite this game, the Miami Heat lost to the Cavs, for their 14th straight loss. Ugh. How can a team with a player this good, be so bad? Hmm… did someone switch D-Wade’s brain into Kobe’s body, and vice versa? Call the CIA. Word to Zack de la Rocha.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Marko Jaric — 16 points, 10 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

Career-High Of The Night:

Ryan Gomes — 35 points, 11 boards, 3 assists

These huge games from this T-Wolve duet led to an improbable road win over the Warriors. Minnesota put the freeze on the Warriors shooting, and yet Boom Dizzle still had a chance to win it on a lay-up at the end. He couldn’t get it done though. Playoff teams have to win games like this, right?

It’s Christmas Time Of The Night:

Travis Outlaw — 23 points, 4 boards, 2 blocks, 1 assist, 1 buzzer-beating game-winner

Outlaw GETS IT DONE when in front of family in the South. After his previous game-winner in Memphis, he struck again yesterday in the A-T-L. After a rough end to regulation, during which he blew an open dunk and dropped a pass out-of-bounds that would’ve led to a sure lay-up, he picked it back up in OT. The deal-sealer was that T-Mac-esque J he has. So nasty.

Dr. King’s Vision Of The Night:

During the Ceatles/Knicks game, Paul Pierce and Quentin Richardson chose to honor Dr. King’s legacy by continuing their ongoing feud and jawing all game, eventually getting ejected. Nice one, fellas.

From DOWN-Town Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups cemented his Mr. Big Shot status last night against the Orlando Magic. Down by 3, he shot a pure jump shot from about 32 FEET!!!! BANG!!! Tie game. Unfortunately for the Pistons, Rashard Lewis got it done on the other end, to win the game, but Billups shot is the stuff to keep coaches/opponents/fans up at night, in a jittery state of paranoia. Score is within 3, with that man on the court? Get a dog and go to church, because you are scared!

Slam Dunk Contest Of The Night:

The participants for this year’s dunk contest have been announced: Rudy Gay, surprising rookie Jamario Moon, beast-man Dwight Howard and defending champ Gerald Green. That’s a nice little lineup with no weak links. Moon probably enters as the darkhorse, Rudy Gay the odds-on favorite, Dwight Howard the most intriguing competitor, and you can’t sleep on the man that already won it. Should be a good one. This year fans can vote via text messaging and the internet, so it will be interesting to see how that affects things. Guess it all comes down to who has the highest Chinese Q rating!

Why The Nuggets Are Not A Legit Contender Of The Night:

Anthony Carter — 14 assists, 2 blocks, 1 board, 0 points

Your starting point guard is Anthony Carter. Sorry.

Which Is Which Of The Night:

??? — 28 points, 1 board, 0 assists
??? — 17 points, 11 assists, 5 boards, 2 steals

Kobe Cryant or Derek Fisher? D-Fish or Black Mamba? Who goes with which line? Surprisingly, it was Mr. Cryant with the all-around output (uh-oh, that’s two positive comments in 1 week… we’re losing our touch), and Fisher with the gunner’s stats. Could it…? WOULD it…? Maybe this Bynum injury will prevent us from having to cope with some sort of new-and-improved, team-smart Kobster… the thought pains ups.

The Wizards took down the Mavs 102-84. Not sure how they’re doing it. Maybe it’s, um, magic?… Jason Richardson sets the single-season Bobcats record for 3-pointers made, at exactly the halfway point of the season!… Melo suffered a nasty ankle turn yesterday vs. the Lakers. Hope he gets back soon… L-EEZY! 15 points, 11 board, 7 assists… The sound clips from miced-up athletes are usually worthless and boring, but not so with LeBron. He had some funny and interesting moments last night. Our favorite was when he channeled Martin! Awesome…

Line Of The Night AKA Get Your Career-High On Of The Night:

Linas Kleiza — 41 points, 9 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, no blankie

Boom Dizzle — 40 points, 5 boards, 4 assists, 3 steals

Moral of the story (word to Saigon):  high-scoring teams produce high-scoring players, and at least for two nights, high-scoring players produce wins.

Worst Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers fans for their behavior Thursday night during a home game vs. the Phoenix Suns.

In the third quarter, after what even we will admit was simply a terrible display of basketball, Kwame Brown was booed unmercifully.  In a span of just a few minutes, he had 4 turnovers, a missed dunk, and a missed lay-up.  We felt horribly for him as the boos rained down like $1 bills from the hands of Pacman Jones.  Dude is known to be sensitive, and has taken crap his whole career for not living up to the expectations of being the #1 pick.  Last night was just kicking a man when he’s down, though.  Lakers fans = despicable for that ish.  With no Andrew Bynum, ya’ll NEED him to play well… and he’s not going to do that if you completely destroy his confidence!  Fools.  If you want someone to boo, boo the front office genius that traded All-Star Caron Butler for Brown in the first place!

And as amazing as this may sound, we agree with Mr. Cryant!

“I thought it was terrible,” said Kobe Cryant. “If they want to do that, they can stay home. He’s going to be our guy here for two months. He’s going to do fine, he’s going to play well the next game.  Kwame’s sensitive. You boo him, it’s going to affect him. I told him I’ve got his back.”

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night AKA Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 24 boards, 11 blocks, 8 points, 2 steals, 1 assist

We’re guessing Oscar never did it with the blocks column, though!  Camby’s numbers are ridic this year.

Just Regular Ol’ Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Chauncey Billups — 28 points, 10 assists, 8 boards, 2 steals, 1 home loss to the Kings.

Near Beast Of The Night:

Lamar Odom — 19 points, 19 boards, 5 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

No Bynum + Finally Healthy + Aggression + Phoenix As Opponent = MONSTER stat line for our boy L-Eezy.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Atlanta Hawks, 78 vs. Toronto Raptors, Friday night.

We can’t figure this Raptors team out.  Neither could the Hawks, especially after losing Anthony Johnson near the end of the first half.  Johnson elbowed Jose Calderon in the back of the head, and got the gate.  Acie Law and Tyronn Lue did not have the magic, apparently!

Bench Mob Of The Night:

If we gave you Kevin Martin, Mike Bibby and Ron Artest as the first three players off your bench, is that something you would interested in?  Wow, this Kings team… After getting blown out in Toronto, Artest and the Kings return to the home of the Malice In The Palace and take the Pistons down by 10!  Over the years we’ve played the “West deserves more than 8 teams in the Playoffs” card WAAAAYYYY too often probably, but this may be the most legitimate case ever!  Phoenix + Denver + LA Lakers + San Antonio + Portland + Golden State + Utah + Dallas + New Orleans + Houston + Sacramento = 11 teams > Dirty Jerse, the current East 8 seed.

Who?  Did What?  Of The Night:

Bobby Jones — 20 points, 13 boards, 7 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

If you could name his current team before reading this, you’re probably wearing blue suede shoes or rocking Project Pat.  If you can name his alma mater, then you probably know all about Paul Allen and Starbucks (word to Ty Willingham).  We’ll say this… Kevin Durant now knows his name.  Get some, rook.

Connect Four, the new hot ish, you’ve been warned… If you didn’t see the Cheryl Miller/Al Horford interview set at the dinner table in his home, DON’T watch it.  AWKWARD.  And no interesting information… The interesting part is whatever inside joke Charles Barkley had on Al Horford’s dad, whom he played against in the NBA… MAA-NUU GI-NO-BILIIII!!!!  31 points in prime time vs. the Cavs, but couldn’t hit the buzzer-beater to force OT… The Powe Show!… Earl Watson is still a starting point guard in the NBA.  Call FEMA!!!!…

Line Of The Night:

Jamal Crawford — 35 points, 8 assists, 2 steals, 1 board

Some call him J-Creezy.  Some call him J-Crizzles.  Others call him… winner?  The Knicks took it to their cross-river rivals in Dirty Jerse last night, winning three straight!  Break up the Knicks!

Beasts Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 24 points, 21 boards, 4 steals, 1 assist, 1 block

Howard got the better of the individual match-up against draft rival Emeka Okafor, but the Bobcats came back from a double-digit halftime deficit to take the victory.

Tyson Chandler — 21 boards, 14 points, 2 steals, 1 block, 1 assist

Tyson and the Hornets squad-up on the Sonics by 31!

Collapse In Indianapolis Of The Night:

Indiana Pacers 125, Golden State Warriors 117

As the second half began, the Warriors blew this game wide open, running out to a 17-point lead.  Just where the Pacers wanted them.  Playing without their top two players, Jamaal Tinsley and Jermaine O’Neal, the Pacers invoked the spirit of the San Diego Chargers, who had just knocked off the Indianapolis Colts in the NFL Playoffs, playing without two of their top guys — Philip Rivers and LaAlien Tomlinson.  The Pacers dropped 46 in the 4th quarter, right on the Warriors heads.

The Sacramento Kings Saga Of The Night:

Toronto Raptors 116, Sacramento Kings 91.

Just when we had anointed the Kings as tough, scrappy, difficult team to beat,  they rollover in the second half against the Raptors.  The Kings had their full roster back for this one, with Mike Bibby and Ron Artest back in the mix.  Maybe that caused a letdown amongst the other guys?

Shaq back, but Heat get murdered by the Bulls, drop to 8-30… Boston back on the winning track, 100-90 over Portland, despite point guard Rajon Rondo missing another game… 2 boards Jason Kidd?  We need a better effort.  Think Oscar!…

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 51 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals, 1 block

Wow.  The feisty Grizz forced OT, but King James was not to be denied.  And we will say this every time it comes up… Charles, you best believe Cleveland is making the Playoffs!  That’s pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point.

Blast From The Past Of The Night:

Sam Cassell — 32 points, 7 assists, 6 boards, 1 steal

Vintage Sam-I-Am.  He’s been a Suns killer this season, and it was no different Tuesday night.  The difference this time is that the Clip Joint actually managed to BEAT Phoenix.  We previously dismissed all the Phoenix “chemistry” trouble talk as bull, since they lead their division, but when you start losing to the Clippers this season, we’ll take notice.  And at least temporarily, for the first time in a long time, the Suns are not in first place in the Pacific.  That’s the Lakers’ spot for now.

Blast From Past Part II Of The Night:

Antoine Walker — 26 points, 10 boards, 1 steal

Maybe ‘Toine’s night inspired Sam, as he saw that old, many-team guys can still get it done.  Both realize that at their age, though, they need to be efficient, as both B.F.P.P.O.N. recipients scored a point per minute.  The only difference, Employee No. 8 couldn’t lead his T-Wolves to a win against the visiting Warriors.

Diana Ross in the frontrow for the Clippers/Suns game… Houston just can’t figure this thing out.  A home loss to Philly?…

Line Of The Night:

Kevin Martin — 39 points, 3 boards, 1 assist, 1 steal in 28 MINUTES!!!

The best pure scorer in the league?  Dude is more efficient than an Energy Star air conditioner.  And did we mention clutch?  Martin had a key and-1in the closing seconds to help secure a win against Dallas for his Kings.  Watch out West.  This team, already a tough beat and sitting with a 15-21 record, is about to get Mike Bibby and Ron Artest back.  Could they be the 11th team in the Western Conference to get above .500?

Beasts Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 23 boards, 20 points, 6 assists, 6 blocks

Ridiculous stats, but Coach George Karl probably just cares about the L his Nuggets took against the upstart Charlotte Bobcats.  Hit a free throw, Melo!  In the last 4 games they have knocked off two top teams — Denver and Boston — and forced OT with two others — Cleveland and Detroit.  The peak of their season or the start of a run to .500?  Either way, it’s all about the all-Carolina back court!

Samuel Dalembert — 20 points, 12 boards, 3 steals

Sam is having a career year… which has meant nothing to his team’s win/loss record.  This effort came in another L, this time to the Spiddurs.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dirty Jerse 73 points at home vs. That Young Portland Squad

What is wrong with the Nets?  With the Kidd/Carter/Jefferson troika, 26 blowout losses at home really shouldn’t happen.  They straight rolled over in the second half, showing no fight.  Malik Allen is your leading scorer with 17?  Wow.

Just An Injury Away Of The Night:

The Ceatles lost their 2nd straight game to Washington last night, perhaps because of a limited Rajon Rondo.  His bad back prevented him playing in the 4th quarter and the Wizards were able to comeback for the win.  Everyone knew an injury to any of The Boston Three Party would cause serious issues (and they lost to the Bobcats without Ray Allen), but who knew Rondo would be so important?  The dumbest part is that they have NO true backup point guard, playing either Tony Allen or Eddie House in that spot.  Danny Ainge might want to consider resolving that issue prior to the Playoffs.

40/40 Club Of The Night:

Gerald Wallace — 40 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks

G-Weezy is loving the Bobcats more up tempo style of recent days.  We are loving all of his oops and bangs!

The Kobster — 48 points, 2 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Andrew Bynum goes down for 8 weeks, and it takes exactly one game for Mr. Cryant to fall back into assassin mode.  The Lakers barely held off the awful Seattle Sonics in OT, needing every single Mamba point.

Hit a shot Milwaukee!  You’re killing us!… Hold your head, Nene… Shaquille O’Neal to be back in action on Wednesday… Joakim Noah suspended 1 game by the Bulls organization, and 1 ADDITIONAL game by his teammates unanimous vote… LeBron James ticketed for going 101 in a 65…

Michael Beasley = Lamar Boozer Maxiell? Recognize. Listen to the Resident Scientist.

Line Of The Night:

Brandon Roy (Pronounced “Wah”) — 8 points, 8 boards, 8 assists

Symmetry, son. Roy led his Blazers to a bit of a statement victory against Golden State. An ornery Nellie had practically benched his entire starting lineup by early in the 2nd quarter! Only Monta Ellis played over 17 minutes (25) amongst the starters.

Worst Of The Night:

Jeff Foster, what were you thinking? With 40 seconds left in regulation, with the Pacers holding onto a 2-point lead, Foster dribbled in the lane. First bad decision. Then he tried a razzle-dazzle, behind-the-head pass to Mike Dunleavy! It was predictably stolen by Leandro Barbosa, the Suns forced OT, and went on to win the game. Terrible play.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

He’s no pro yet, but Tyler Hansbrough has aced several advanced college cooking courses. His latest course, Advanced Breakfast 302, focused on the fine art of southern morning cuisine. Kenny George, have some grits, bacon and eggs! With a little hot sauce on it! EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!

Honorable Mention Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Malik, have some General Yao’s chicken for a tasty breakfast treat. EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!

It’s Smaaaaaaaash Time Of The Night:

Los Angeles Lakers 109, New Orleans Hornets 90.

Smash face. The Lakers have won 4 straight since taking an L to the Ceatles, all by double-digits, including this massacre AT New Orleans, and N.O. is no joke this year. Lakers up for the division title over the Suns?

Bad Beat Of The Night (Part I):

Dirty Jerse is leading the Sonics by 13, at home, at the half. This game is ooo-vuh… Kidd and the Kiddettes are getting +1/2? Really? Wow, they are going to most likely expand the lead, if anything. This is a classic rollover game for the Sonics, right? 20-point lead with 6 minutes left… looking great. Uh-oh, back to 12/13 range… 13 with 15 seconds left… Delonte West guns a three… clang… Get the board!!! Jelly-ball rebounds, now he shoots a J.. clang… GRAB THAT ROCK!!! OH NO, Damien Wilkins has it with 3 seconds left! DON’T SHOOT! DON’T SHOOT! Dunk. ARRRGGGGHHHH.

Bad Beat Of The Night (Part II):

After a sluggish first half performance from the Ceatles, they find themselves trailing to the lowly Charlotte Bobcats. You predict they will come with it in the second, and given the fact the Bobcats push the tempo, the 2nd half 92.5 over/under looks a little low to you. Book it. Hmm… the Ceatles just don’t have it tonight. Hmm… both teams are missing shots. Oh, ok, 30 seconds left, you just need a half point. It’s all good since Boston will take a garbage lay-up, down 12. Gabe Pruitt… what are you doing.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? A BOMBED 3 MISSED!!! Charlotte rebound. 24 seconds painfully run off. Damn rookies.

Bargnani — are you good, or not? Play some D! Get in the rotation solidly!… Grant Hill out a few weeks after an emergency appendectomy. Dude can’t catch a break. Oh, other than being a multi-millionaire, having a hot R&B songstress wife and playing a game for a living…

After a great NBA night on Monday, with only 2 games, Tuesday was mostly awful, with a bunch of blowouts.

Line Of The Night:

Rashad McCants — 27 points, 8 boards, 4 assists, 1 steal

Ugh.  Rashad leads Minnesota to only it’s 5th win?  It must be the snarl.  With this year’s kinder, gentler Kobe in the house, McCants may have the league’s best snarl.  Shouldn’t this team have more than 5 wins?  Their roster isn’t better than the 9-win Sonics?  Stephen Colbert has officially put Randy Wittman on notice.

Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 13 points, 12 assists, 11 boards, 1 steal, 1 block

So good it’s boring.  He’s the Tim Duncan of triple-doubles.  This was his THIRD in a row!  J-Kidd is now averaging a career-high 8.2 boards… 1.8 away from the dream.  Maybe we can get Dirty Jerse eliminated from playoff contention and he’ll just concentrate on those 1.8.  So sick.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Seattle Sonics, 79 vs. Cleveland.

This team is bad.  Will anyone on the current roster, other than Durant, be in the rotation in 3 years?  And was the Jeff Green pick terrible?  What does he do?  Early returns say Yi Jianlian would have been a WAY smarter pick.  Not only is he a skilled big man, but what he does for your franchise’s bottom line is immeasurable.  Please don’t look at his line from last night as part of this argument!

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Yo Hedo, how about some ekmek and recel?  Or maybe some zeytin and yumurta?  Hedo Turkoglu — EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!  Compliments of chef Dahntay Jones, specializing in traditional Turkish dishes.  What is Turkish for “tip dunk on your head”?

The Honeymoon Is Over Of The Night:

NY Knicks 105, Chi-Town Bulls 100

Even without Luol Deng the Bulls have no excuse for this one.  It was only the Knicks’ 2nd road victory and the Chi had them down double-digits in the 2nd half!  Guess whatever good mojo the coaching change brought is officially used up.  But then again, when E-City is in the house… Oh my god!  Danger!

And to add insult to injury, J-Creezy did up Kirk Hinrich to the fullest.

Rookie Of The Night:

Coming out of U-Dub, we thought Spencer Hawes was a classic big man, but really hadn’t seen him play much. Then last night we saw him get some run for the Kings against Orlando, and he did the following:  come off a curl screen and fire a J from about 20 feet and then spot up in the corner and shoot a 3!  Who knew?  Do we need to re-think that center classification?

Jamaal Tinsley back in the house, but the Pacers get murdered in Utah… The NBA says forget parody.  This year there are a bunch of TERRIBLE teams… We repeat:  GOOD LORD J-Creezy did up Kirk Hinrich!  So nasty… Can Pat Riley just stop whining?… Was Stan Van Gundy really wearing an all blue ensemble last night, looking like a ginormous smurf without pants on?… Are the Heat going to go Spurs on us, win the lottery, throw Michael Beasley in the mix, and dominant the league next year?