L.O.N.

“L.O.N.:  We love this young Blazers squad.”

It’s like a motto.  Say it in your best commercial voice-over voice.

Every time you see James Jones drain a three, say “Sweet James Jones” in your best Pimp C accent.  Keep his memory alive, ya’ll.

Also:  WU.  TANG.  WU.  TANG.  It’s on your brain.

Line Of The Night:

Michael Redd — 27 points, 10 boards, 9 assists

Redd has taken it to that other level, following a great summer with Team USA.  His Bucks squad is tougher than the 9-12 record might indicate — they are a tough beat for sure.

Also, at L.O.N. we dwell on ish — it’s what we do.  Honestly, what if he had signed with the Cavs a couple summers back?  So sick.  What was he thinking?  Must be that Ohio State education!  Ha.

Worst Of The Night:

Steve Nash’ halftime interview last night.  What in the world?

Momma, I wanna go to bed.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Baron Davis — 23 points, 11 assists, 8 boards

Not enough to beat that young Blazers squad that we love, though!

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dallas Mavs, 76 vs. Toronto Raptors

As the Chuckster would say, “Ya’ll are tuuurrible.”

Detroit Pistons, 77 vs. Houston Rockets

Both D-Towns contracted on the same night?  Makes us think nasty teal thoughts.

Sacramento Kings, 78 vs. Boston Ceatles

Now this one makes sense.  As for the Ceatles… one true sign of a good team is that it will stomp down teams it is supposed to beat.  They done did that.

Do It Again!  Do It Again!  Of The Night:

A lot of fans who have simply seen Troy Murphy step foot on a basketball court have really, really wanted to do this.

Thank you, Tyrus.

Love it.

Shaquille O’Neal Of The Night:

Houston Rockets — 6-22 from the free throw line last night.

T-Mac went 0-5, and Bonzi Wells was 2-9!  At one point Bonzi went to the line several times consecutively, throwing up brick after brick.  Steve Francis and Dikembe were on the bench with all types of “hide your head in your hands” histrionics.  When Bonzi finally knocked one down, Dikembe led the crowd in mock celebration!

Injury Of The Night:

Kendrick Perkins, starting Ceatles center:

“Man, that’s a weird story,” Perkins said after practice Tuesday. “I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn’t put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side.

“And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn’t fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot.”

huh?

T.J. Ford to miss at least a week after that fall, but all-in-all he was looking good in his suit on Toronto’s bench last night… Tom… Gist… Craig Smith goes from L.O.N.nie to 8 points.  Success went straight to his head… We love the Kenny Smith/Gus Johnson announcing duo on Knicks broadcasts… Freeway album surprisingly hot… Clippers waive Ruben Patterson.  Weird…

Line Of The Night:

Craig Smith — 36 points, 8 boards, 1 block

36!?!?!?!!!  We didn’t think the T-Wolves big man had it in him… we demand game film!

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 11 points, 11 assists, 10 boards, 2 steals

We’re not sure what is wrong with this team, but losing to the Clippers, in Dirty Jerse, by double-digits, is horrid.

I Can’t Feel My Face Of The Night:

T.J. Ford — 26 points, 8 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

In only his 4th game back from injury, kid was ballin’, ballin’, ballin’ — the passes, the finishes, even the J was hittin’.  Then it all came crashing down, literally.  In a bizarre play, on a 1-on-1 fast break, A-T-L’s Al Horford ended up palming Ford’s face from behind, awkwardly bending his neck backwards.  Ford fell to the ground out of control, slamming the back of his head on the court.  This would be a scary moment for anyone, but especially young T.J., as he’s missed a season previously, due to neck issues.  Early reports are good, and we hope it’s all gravy train, T.J.

They Done Got The Gang Back Together Of The Night:

It was a beautiful scene for the Cavs organization in Cleveland on Tuesday.  The majority of last year’s NBA Finals squad were finally all together on the court.  Only Boobie Gibson, out after wisdom teeth extraction, missed the affair.  Anderson Varejao played in his first game of the season, while LeBron returned following a 5-game absence due to a finger injury.  The star of the show, however, was Larry Hughes, re-cementing his Revolutionary status with 36 points in 26 minutes!  Although the squad will probably need some time to fully gel, they cruised to a 118-105 victory over the Pacers, whom they currently trail in the standings.

Career-High Of The Night:

Martell Webster — 25 points, 5 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal

Dude’s J is niiiiiiiiice.  Last week it was Travis Outlaw, now it’s Webster… they got something new for you every week.  Flavor ON TOP of flavor.  We’ve been thinking about how formidable this team will be next year with Oden in the mix, but wins like this, IN UTAH, have us thinking more about the present.

Matt Bonner went for 25 points and 17 boards last night.  Sure it was Golden State, but Armageddon may be nigh… Message from Kris Humphries to Josh Smith:  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!

Line Of The Night:

Josh Smith — 28 points, 7 boards, 7 blocks, 2 assists, 2 steals

This Hawks team is exciting, and it starts with Josh Smith.  He is so nasty.  He led the team in scoring, and made key plays down the stretch, but it was Joe Johnson who sealed the deal with a smooth jumper as time expired.  Hawks and Playoffs in the same sentence?

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Marko Jaric — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

If Adriana Lima is truly serving as the muse behind Marko’s recent outburst, then that is comedy.  Hey, everybody has their own motivations.

Dwyane Wade — 21 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 1 block

This stat line is somehow in the same family as Mark Jackson’s “fake hustle”, as it really doesn’t tell the true story.  D-Wade is still not quite right, as evidenced by his 9-26 shooting performance.  With an on-point D-Wade, the Heat win this game.  He better get there soon, or it will be a long summer in Miami.  4-14?!?!?!

And we’re still creeped out by that scene with him on the mic in his Converse commercial.

Revolutionary Status Of The Night:

Travis Outlaw,  welcome to the club.  Outlaw has been on our radar ever since we saw in his box scores that he could block a million shots per minute, despite his non-7-foot height.  Then we saw him play and saw flashes of freakish athleticism.  However, over the years there have been plenty of guys like this who never put it all together to become actual basketball players.  Looks like that has finally happened this year with Outlaw.  Watching Portland’s recent game against Memphis, it became clear Outlaw was becoming a complete player.  Along with the funk mcnasty dunks and blocks, he now has a 3-point jumper, as well as a T-Mac-esque rise-up mid-range J.  Then, to seal the deal, he hit this buzzer-beater  and, last night, he had a little something for Daequan Cook.   EAT YOUR BREAKFAST,  DAEQUAN!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, your newest L.O.N. Revolutionary, Travis Outlaw.

Rookie Of The Night:

Corey Brewer — 18 boards, 5 assists, 4 steals, 1 block

Where did this come from?  Dude is paper thin!  He’s a natural though, and if he’s permanently moved ahead of Rashad McCants for PT (but can’t they play at the same time), expect All-Rookie Team status from here on out.

Word to Dallas:  Your ish is soft, son… Does anyone really know what the hell the Chuckster was trying to say about A.I. last night, as far as passing is concerned?  Just to make the issue even murkier, A.I. dropped 12 dimes last night… We really like how this young Portland team is built… David Lee, Malik Rose and Jamal Crawford amongst pallbearers at Don Marbury’s funeral…

Line Of The Night:

Allen Iverson — 51 points, 8 assists, 2 boards, 1 steal

A.I. was on fire last night, against the Lakers.  When he has it going like this, it’s truly a beautiful scene.  Unfortunately for the Nuggets, the Lakers finally figured him out in the 4th quarter, and they squandered this ridiculous effort, losing 111-107.

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

McGradles — 17 points, 12 assists, 10 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks

With Jason Kidd not playing vs. the Knicks on Wednesday vs. the Knicks (out with a migraine… there’s some sort of joke involving the size of his son’s and Starbury’s heads, so fill in your own punchline… or actually out in a contract dispute?),  T-Mac took over the triple-double role.  Maybe he did it in memory of Pimp C, the Hip-Hop legend hailing from nearby Port Arthur, Texas, who passed way too soon, earlier this week.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 20 boards, 1 assist, 1 block, 0 points!

0 points?  With that many rebounds seems like he’d luck into a layup somewhere along the line!  Maybe if he had, the Nuggets could’ve pulled this one out.  Wild.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs, 79 points vs. Dirty Jers, Tuesday.

Stop the madness.  Stop wasting everyone’s time.  If LeBron sits, Cleveland forfeits.  New rule.  At least they managed 86 last night vs. the Gilbert-less Wiz.

The Clip Joint, 78 points vs. Milwaukee, Tuesday.

Dan Dickau might be the worst offensive guard in the league, this side of DeShawn Stevenson.  If he continues to get 20 minutes, the Clips will continue to get contracted.

New Orleans Hornets, 76 points vs. Deeeeeeeeeeeeee-troit Basketball, Wednesday.

The Pistons are back on their grizzly this year, apparently looking to make a season-long statement.  Champs win on the road, and this is the Pistons third straight road win.  Boston vs. Detroit in the Conference Finals… we can see it now.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

EAT YOUR BREAKFAST DASAGANA DIOP!!!!!

MANU GINOBILI!!!!!

Same Old Mavs Of The Night:

Ain’t a damn thing changed in Dallas.  Last night the Mavs went into San Antonio who were without Tim Duncan.  Dallas led early, but never put the champs away, since they still lack that killer instinct.  The Spurs took the lead in the second half, but the game remained close.  Late in the game, during “winning time”, after a switch, Dirk found himself guarded by little Tony P.  So you know what went down, right?  A fade away J, instead of a punishing post up move!  Now THAT is ri-Dirk-ulous.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“Check out the Jordans on this wide frame”, Pimp C, “Hit The Block”, Underground Kingz

Pimp wasn’t known for his intricate wordplay, but rather for his voice, swagger, slang… he was the South personified.  It’s still hard to believe he’s gone.

Cleveland matches Varejao’s offer sheet from Charlotte.  The James Gang is officially back together.  Except for, um, James himself… Flip Murray WILL come with the sneak dunk… So will Tim Thomas… Speaking of Tim Thomas, he took advantage of Maggette’s injury, and has taken a 214-187 lead in the total shots bet between L.O.N.’s C.E.O. and it’s resident Scientist… The worse gets worser in Sacramento.  “Franchise” player Kevin Martin out 4-6 weeks with a groin strain…

Line Of The Night:

Josh Howard — 27 points, 10 boards, 6 assists, 2 steals

Behind Howard’s effort, the Mavs took this one down, in the Chi.  But who really cares?  All we want to see is the Playoffs, when it comes to Dallas.

Beast Of The Night:

Dwight Howard — 23 boards, 18 points, 7 blocks, 3 assists

All Howards, all the time.  This line was almost inevitable, going up against the midgets of Golden State.  A momentary lapse of self-control (he slapped the stanchion after missing a dunk) almost cost his team the game at the end of regulation, but the Magic managed to pull out a tough win in OT, in Oakland.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jameer Nelson — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 1 steal

Fine.  We give in.  We’ll stop hating.  Dude has game, ok?  You happy?  FREE CARLOS ARROYO!!!

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Philly 76ers, 79 points vs. Atlanta Hawks

The Philly crowds have been dismal, almost high school-like.  The play has been dismal, as you can see.  Contraction, of a sort, occurred Tuesday morning, as much maligned team president Billy King was finally fired (down with Duke!) and replaced with New Jersey Nets GM, Ed Stefanski.  First order of business would seem to be moving Andre Miller for some young pieces.  Oh yeah, and Mo Cheeks?  You are on notice.  Oh yeah, and… FREE LOUIS WILLIAMS!!!

Charlotte Bobcats, 79 points vs. Toronto Raptors

You get a chance to go into the T-Dot-O, with Bosh, Bargnani and T.J. Ford sidelined, and this is the best you can come up with?  Blame the starting back court.  Raymond Felton?  0-8 shooting.  Jason Richardson?  3-17.  Disgust.

Clutch Performance Of The Night:

Travis Outlaw — 21 points, 7 boards, 2 assists, 2 blocks

Several times the Memphis Grizz went up by double-figures in this game, but every time, the Trailblazers fought back — a classic consequence of Memphis’ up-and-down style.  The final run was almost all Travis Outlaw.  With his Starkville, Mississippi family in attendance, Outlaw had the full repertoire working — tip backs, 3’s, and a buzzer-beating runner.   He, um, outlawed a Memphis win, last night.

Just when you thought the Knicks/Marbury/Isiah escapades couldn’t get any more convoluted, Marbury’s father suddenly died Sunday night, after experiencing chest pains while watching his son play, and being escorted to the hospital.  Hold ya head, Starbury… So much for the Greg Oden vs. Mike Conley match-up.  Both players are currently out with injuries… Danny Ferry overhead rocking Cormega’s “They Forced My Hand”, after Anderson Verejao signs offer sheet with the Charlotte Bobcats… Howard Stern… Howard The Duck… Howard Cosell… Howard Homecoming… Ryan Howard…