L.O.N.

Line Of The Night:

Tony Parker — 29 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 1 block

We are mad at the boy Kenny Smith.  With Chris Paul a studio guest Thursday on TNT’s Inside The NBA, the topic of the league’s best point guards came up, with Smith anointing Steve Nash and Jason Kidd as the top two.  He then wanted CP3’s input on the next couple — himself, Baron Davis, Deron Williams, etc.  NO MENTION OF TONY LONGORIA?!?!?!?!!!??  Come on playa, at least get his name in the discussion.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Brandon Roy — 10 points, 10 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

A good all-around stat line from R.O.Y., but not enough to beat the scrappy Pacers.  Well Roy always put up good fantasy numbers or is his current output more a function of his poor support?  He’s a solid player for sure, but only time will tell how he responds with more talent surrounding him and how his balky heel holds up.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

New York Knicks, 59 points vs. The Ceatles, Thursday night.

Cam said this is more than music, well this is more than awful… more than contraction.  Only an unlikely near-half-court three from Nate Robinson saved the Knicks from scoring the least points in a game in franchise history.  After they had two decent wins to break an 8-game losing, things looked like they might turning around.  Then THIS happened.  If the Knicks don’t show up in tonight’s game vs. Milwaukee, all the loyalty in the world from James Dolan may not be enough to save Isiah’s job.

Charles Barkley had this to say about Isiah’s job security:  “He’s about as safe as me in a room full of cookies.”  Ha.

Clevland LeBrons, 74 points vs. the Detroit Pistons, Wednesday night.

This team is BAD sans LeBron, who hurt his finger late in the first half and did not return.  It’s supposed to be a minor injury, and he should not miss much time.  Cleveland fans sure hope so.

Career-High Of The Night:

Sasha Vujacic — 22 points, 3 boards, 3 assists, 1 steal

So he got a new haircut, and when he’s in a black suit on the end of the bench he looks straight vampirish.  And now maybe he’s ready to vie for the NBA’s coveted “Best Sasha” award, currently owned by Sasha Pavlovic?  He didn’t have to do much, with Pavlov’s Dogs unsigned, to begin the season, but now it’s on.

American Gangster Of The Night:

He’s trying to play it down, saying it was unintentional, and many media outlets are even calling it accidental, but that choke hold Carmelo put on Vujacic last night seemed straight-Sprewell.  It looked malicious to us and we’re surprised there’s not a bigger deal being made.  Doug Collins attributed it to frustration on Melo’s part — the Nuggets were getting blownout and Melo torched by Sasha — but we’re going to go with the irritability that comes with a late night of partying.

NBA-Tinged Classic Verse Of The Night:

Parental Advisory:  Explicit Content.

“When I’s 11 got the toolie, dick,
Uncle pulled me to the side and he schooled me quick, told me some gooey shit.
Can’t get paid in an Earth this big?  You worthless kid,
Brotha don’t deserve to live.
Go and get it mothafucka, if you murda kids.
Bottle up carbohydrates, preservatives.
He got hit up that same night,
But ever since, my doe, my flow, and my whole game, been tight.
Puns and pearls, your tongue will twirl,
Looka here, booger bear I’ll have you huggin’ hooker gear, I swear.
I was doing, Lex pursuin’,
Niggas be wired like Western Union,
Short like next to Ewing,
Head from truent, only set was ruined.
My phony checks are fluent,
Listen, hear me out.
I’m from a cocaine block with some plain clothes cops,
And the sun don’t rise ’cause the rain don’t stop.
The pain don’t stop, but my brain don’t stop,
And no lockouts, the game don’t stop.
Every month you change your locks, change your spot,
Get a little smart, wanna change your tops, rearrange your rocks.
Look, game your friends, money,
You have Benz or Range, money?
Have a Benz or Range, money.
But if I get knocked, I ain’t got no bail,
But I come home on the weekends, Pablo jail.
See I came a long way, that’s living the wrong way,
That’s sniffin’ upon ya, to sippin’ on Cog-na, hey.
You wanna be a star, you’ll have your own day.
Where they play ball, drink and get a buzz.
Reminiscing, what a good kid he was.
I don’t know what happened, all he did was what he loved.
That’s when you opposing me, Killa get the rosary,
Fuck this rap shit, I die for mine, mothafucka.”

That’s classic Killa Cam, from “Losin’ Weight”, on S.D.E. (That’s Sports, Drugs, Entertainment… till the arraignment).

Luol Deng’s sister is named Akon… We’re just sayin’… Phil Jackson signs $24 million, 2 year contract extension with the Lakers… Chris Quinn starting at point guard, Riles?  Really?… Nenad Krstic to be shut down for at least 2 weeks due to lingering knee issues… The Marko Jaric resurrection continues, 12/7/7/2/1 on Wednesday…

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 38 points, 13 assists, 4 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocks

This performance came against Boston, the team being hyped as the best team in the East.  The King probably has other thoughts on the matter.  He missed a potential buzzer-beater at the end of regulation after Ray Allen uncharacteristically missed two free throws, but he was clutch during free basketball, scoring 11 points to give the Celtics only their second loss.

This game had a Playoff atmosphere, with James and KG wolfing hard at each other down the stretch.  Check the rematch this Sunday, in Boston.

Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 15 points, 12 assists, 12 points

Despite this performance, and an almost near-triple-double from Vinsanity and 27 points from Jeff Richardson, the Nets still lost at home to the Grizz on Tuesday.  This Nets team is missing something, but it’s hard to say what it is, exactly.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Andre Miller — 18 points, 9 assists, 8 boards, 1 steal

Dre Miller is showing some true professionalism in Philly these days.  A lot of vets would’ve just mailed it in, given his team’s situation.  Not Dre.  He gave it all on Tuesday and got his Sixers a rare win against Milwaukee.

Jamaal Tinsley — 15 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 4 steals, 1 block

Even without J.O., the Pacers stole a win in Denver thanks to Tinsley’s all-around game and surprising scoring from Mike Dunleavy and Shawne Williams.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Portland Blazers, 74 points on Monday vs. Orlando

Most Blazer wins this year are coming as a result of raw effort, as their young talent doesn’t know how to bring it night-after-night yet.  This is what happens when Brandon Roy shoots 4-18.

Los Angeles Clippers, 71 points on Monday vs. Houston

Will the real Clippers please stand up?  Unfortunately for the anti-Lakers crowd, this is problem them.  Sam-I-Am is too old and fragile (playing only 4 minutes in this game), and the Clips don’t really have Western Conference talent with Elton Brand still out.  This loss dropped them below .500 for the first time this year.

Atlanta Hawks, 78 points on Tuesday vs. Chicago

This is the problem with Chicago — when they play poorly, THEY are contractioned, and when they play well, they contraction the other guys!  So sick.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Beno Scorned:

Beno Udrih — 27 points, 5 assists, 4 boards, 1 block, 1 steal

After being traded away at the beginning of the year, it looks like Udrih was anxious to make his old team regret it.  After finding a starting spot on an injury-depleted Kings squad, Udrih has been playing well, but NOT this well.  Eat your breakfast, Greg Popovic.

Youth Elixir Of The Night:

Ever since D-Wade returned to the Heat lineup, Big Shaq Daddy has looked MUCH better out on the court.  It’s amazing what a superstar teammate will do for your game, right?  Riles, however, wants us to not forget the key role physical fitness plays:

Pat Riley:  “The whole thing is keeping him fit.  We have 75 physical therapists that do this pu-chi, kum-chi, I-chi , tongue-chi, whatever it takes to try and keep him limber at age 35. His body has been beaten up pretty good.”

What in the world… we’ll just stick with Tim Clark’s Kim Chi Happy Hour.

Golden State v. Phoenix is always the game of the week, and G-State took this one.  Captain Jack is back!… Hustle Joakim!  Run the floor!… Is L-Eezy finally fed up with Kobe or is following a directive from Phil?  Since returning this year he’s averaging 1.7 assists and he’s usually in the 4-5 range.  Get yours Lamar!!!… Despite a dubious career on the court, Marko Jaric is getting it done off the court.  Now dating Adriana Lima, supposedly he’s also “been with” Penthouse Pet Jaime Hammer, at least that’s what she said…

We won’t be with ya’ll for about week, after this… and what a night! Enjoy that turkey.

Line Of The Night:

Damien Wilkins — 41 points, 9 boards, 2 assists, 2 steals

Even when he shines, ya boy Kevin Durant is gonna get all the pub. To the general public, this game might as well not even happened, but the L.O.N. offices were tuned in, even with Josh Smith out with a strained quad. And what a game. Wilkins was on fire throughout, shooting 15-20! Joe Johnson dropped 39 to keep the Hawks moving. You had Marvin Williams, an L.O.N. favorite, notching every stat in the book. Then there was a hobbled Tyronn Lue making all types of plays in OT, making the Hawks announcers go wild. But it all came down to one man, with one unguardable shot. At 6′9″ on the perimeter, Durant can get a shot off whenever he needs to. In this case, whenever was with the clock at about 1 in double OT. Kevin Durant from three… BANG! First game winner. First of many.

Triple-Double Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 19 boards, 11 points, 10 assists, 2 steals

A good game for Dirty Jerse, huh? Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn!!! They got contractioned, 95-70, by the Magic, in the Meadowlands. For a generally good offensive team, they can drop some nastiness for sure.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

LeBron James — 40 points, 10 boards, 9 assists, 3 blocks

Sick. So why exactly can’t he lead this team to the playoffs? This was against Utah, one of the top Western Conference squads.

Free Louis Williams Of The Night:

Louis Williams — 19 points, 4 boards, 3 assists, 3 steals

FREE LOUIS WILLIAMS!!! Even the Philly home crowd is starting to feel us. After Lou led a second half comeback, Mo Cheeks took him out with 3 minutes left and the boos rained down! He came back in soon after and nailed another trey. The catalyst for in a 22 point comeback win.

“House is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin””.

We couldn’t give a full segment due to the team he played for last year (Ohio State), but Daequan Cook telling some hapless Boston Celtic to eat his breakfast? Pun-a-rific!… The Ceatles barely hold off a rejuvenated, D-Wade-led Heat team for a 1 point victory… Manu for 6th Man Of The Year AND MVP?… David West, welcome to the 40 point club. Sleep if you want… Sebastian Telfair, of Phil Ivey?… Smush Parker. Hair. Sarah Jessica Parker. Hair… P.J. and Riles — we are going to keep it funky like Tom Gist: Those are terrible suit coats… Anthony Parker from 3-quarter-court!!!! It’s GOOD!!!!!!….

Line Of The Night:

LeBron — 39 points, 14 assists, 13 boards, 2 blocks

A monster night and this stat line does not even include all of the intangibles.  The game seemed completely out of reach with under a minute to go, but the Cavs did not give up.  After Orlando missed some free throws down the stretch, the Cavs found themselves down three with not a whole of time.  Stan Van Gundy instructed his players to foul before the Cavs could get off a potential game-tying shot.  It backfired in a real way.  LeBron was one step ahead of the game, as he launched a three IMMEDIATELY after catching the ball.  Then he conquered perhaps his lone remaining deficiency — clutch free throws.  1-2-3, OT.

The Cavs succumbed during free basketball, but it was not LeBron’s fault.  The man needs some help.  Virtually none of his teammates did anything of note down the stretch and in OT.

Near Triple-Double Of The Night:

Andre Iguodala — 15 points, 12 boards, 8 assists, 1 steal, 1 block
Big Dirk Like Whut — 21 points, 12 boards, 8 assists, 3 blocks, 2 steals

A couple of big nights in Dallas’ win over Philly on Tuesday from two guys in different stages of their careers.  Iggy is trying to prove he can be a team leader at any time — pre-season, regular season, a single game, whatever — while Big Dirk can only care about one platform — the Playoffs.

Andrei Kirilenko — 11 assists, 9 boards, 8 points, 5 steals

He’s not a real person.  He is a Russian machine sent here to conquer America by first infiltrating the NBA.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Miami Heat, 76 on Tuesday vs. Charlotte

There’s at least a team a night in the infamous CC this year!  Seemed like the volume went down last year, but looks like the numbers are unfortunately creeping back up.  Miami laid this egg on the eve of D-Wade’s return, only to lay another the next night against the previously winless Sonics.  At least they broke 80 (90 even!) against them.

Seattle Sonics, 76 on Tuesday vs. Orlando

DisneyWorld was unkind to the SuperDurants, leaving them at 0-8.  It took a visit to South Beach to finally get this guys a W.  Win or no win, they have clearly lost traction on the League Pass rankings.  We’ll turn our focus back to Durant a little later in the year perhaps, but for now we have to watch teams that matter.

Dirty Jerse Nets, 69 on Wednesday vs. Boston

With most of the 0’s falling out of the win/loss columns of the NBA standings, it looked like it might be the Ceatles turn to taste defeat as well.  It was the second night of a back-to-back against tough Dirty Jerse team whom they had just beaten only a few days back.  Getback time?  This first half was as ugly as they get, and if the Nets had ANY life in them, they probably could have ended it right there.  If you have a KG-led team down, you better finish the job, ’cause his undying energy will inevitably shine through eventually.  In the second half, the C’s managed to turn it into a blowout, and there was even some excitement in the form of the rookie-on-rookie, fat boy vs. slim kid, Big Baby Davis vs. Sean Williams match-up.

Philly Sixers, 76 on Wednesday vs. New Orleans

This Philly team is horrid.  Honestly, completely blow it up, deal Andre Miller, free Louis Williams, and start the quest for one of these college freshman beasts.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Unbeknown to most, Rudy Gay is actually a highly skilled chef specializing in Argentinian cuisine.  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST LUIS SCOLA!!!!  A nice “Welcome to the NBA” meal courtesy of Rudy Gay.

Starbury vs. Isiah Of The Night:

You thought it couldn’t get any worse for the Knicks, right?  Well, with Zach Randolph’s grandma’s death already weighing heavily on him, and robbing the team of it’s premier player, things got even crazier on the team flight to Phoenix.  Apparently there was a talk/confrontation/altercation of some sort between Starbury and Isiah which resulted in the news that Coney Island’s finest had lost his starting job.  Then, supposedly, Starbury had this to say:

“Isiah has to start me.  I’ve got so much (stuff) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (get) me. But I’ll (get) him first. You have no idea what I know.”

Wow.  More evidence related to Isiah’s sexual harassment suit?  Perhaps evidence of Isiah reneging on a  large wager with Michael Jordan, resulting in their blood feud?  Or maybe more info on want REALLY went down between Isiah and Magic back in the day?  We may never know.  But after Starbury flew back to NY, and then BACK to Los Angeles the next, things seemed back to normal, at least in the Knicks version of that word.  No suspension, just Starbury back on the bench and speaking his mind:

“This is not my battle to fight.  I’m here to play basketball and I’m just going to concentrate on that.  I’m leaving it internal like Isiah said. I would expect that everyone would respect that… I plan to tell them (his teammates) that this is something that has to do with Isiah and myself.”

Then whose battle is it?  What in the hell is he talking about?  Damn, if the NY media can’t uncover what’s going on behind the scenes here, then maybe the Feds are involved… Isiah and Starbury as a modern day Boris and Natasha?

Get It? Of The Night:

SportsCenter, always looking for the next big “Outside The Lines” controversy, tried to stir one up after this one liner from the upcoming Phil Jackson comedy tour:

On his team’s ability to guard the Spurs on Tuesday:

“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there’s so much penetration and kickouts,” Jackson said. “It was one of those games.”

Get it?  After the media maelstrom that followed, Jackson would later apologize, not missing the chance to further his schtick:

“But in retrospect, it wasn’t really funny.  When you take it out of context, it wasn’t funny. It was a poor attempt at humor and I deserved to be reprimanded by the NBA.  If I’ve offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize.”.

Along with GLAAD, who released a statement condemning Big Chief Triangle’s statements, word has it that that Rudy Gay is fuming mad.

Career-High Of The Night:

Rashad McCants — 33 points, 4 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

BAD PUN ALERT!  BAD PUN ALERT!!!  Apparently Rashad McCan?  Finally healthy, McCants is showing his pure ability score will translate to the NBA game.  He was the clear go-to guy in his game, scoring almost half of these points in the 4th quarter.  The T-Wolves got their first win and maybe found Al Jefferson’s P-N-C for the next 10 years.

If Dwight Howard is going to hit free throws?  GAME OVER…  Jamario Moon for Prime Minister… Ron Artest back on the scene… McGradles out for a week with a strained elbow… The hard-to-master intentionally-miss-the-free

-throw tactic almost worked twice last night, with both Houston (Rafer Alston) and Memphis (Pau Gasol) getting wide open looks but ultimately missing the shot… Only the Warriors remain without a victory after blowing a big first half lead to the Chauncey-less Pistons…

Line Of The Night:

Leandro Barbosa — 39 points, 7 boards, 6 assists, 2 steals

When you are made of lightning, not even Magic can stop you.

Beasts Of The Night AKA Private Mailers Of The Night:

Emeka Okafor — 25 points, 23 boards, 1 block, 1 steal

Jeff Foster and Jermaine O’Neal had no answer for the Bobcats leading man, Friday night.  Gerald Wallace should’ve taken big fella out to dinner, as well.  When you go 8-21 and still go for 28 points, you can point to your big man’s offensive boards.

Shawn Marion — 24 boards, 17 points, 5 steals, 1 block, 1 assist

Dwight Howard — 22 points, 20 boards, 3 blocks, 1 steal, 1 assist

Both of these Team USA reps also got their Michael Cage on Friday night.  A corn ball would tell you there must’ve been “something in the water” Friday night.  Or that there was a full moon.  Or that the planets were aligned.  We’ll just say somebody spiked the Gatorade with Gummi Berry Juice.  Or we’ll claim there was a league-wide Dennis Rodman homage.  Or all the NBA charter flights featured a bad Martin Lawrence comedy?  Or maybe the biopic of Earl Manigault?

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Mo Williams — 10 points, 9 assists, 9 boards

McGradles — 21 points, 8 assists, 8 boards

A tale of two stat lines.  Friday night, in one of the most-viewed sporting events in history (Yi vs. Yao is BIG in China, we hear), one Ice Cube-esque performance still seemed like a disappointment (Mo has seemed out-of-sync all year), while the other led to Houston’s blowout victory.  At least Yi looks like he can step it up on the big stage.  He had the best game of his young career in his most hyped match up yet.

Andrei Kirilenko — Friday — 11 assists, 10 points, 8 boards, 4 steals, 4 blocks

Saturday — 15 points, 12 boards, 9 assists, 4 steals, 1 block

Monday — 15 points, 8 boards, 8 assists, 3 blocks

Friday was oh so statalicious.  Stat geeks everywhere were blogging and chatting and posting and pinging and grinning.  Give us the 5×5 Andrei!  The rejuvenated AK47 did it all, with his most important play being a last-second block of a Kevin Durant jump-shot to secure the win.  The he came back for an encore the next night?  AND THEN THE NEXT?!?!?!?!  HE’S ON FIIII-YUURRRRR!

Jason Kidd — 14 points, 10 assists, 9 boards, 1 block

He’s BEEN doing this, son.  His effort was all for naught on Monday, however, as he couldn’t stop the buzzer better from Chris Paul, the next in the triple-double lineage.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Chicago Bulls, 71 points on Saturday in a 30-point loss to the T-Dot-O, IN the Chi!

Does Kobe secretly think the Lakers are going to make the Finals, and this whole trade controversy was a brilliantly thought out plan to sabotage what he thought would be his main competition in the Finals, the Bulls?  If so… genius.

Miami Heat, 75, New York Knicks, 72, Sunday.

Miami gets their first win, but it shouldn’t count.  Scores like this should trigger a 5th quarter and a free sleeping mask for any fans still in attendance.

Philly, 72 points on Sunday in a 21 point loss to New Orleans.

Three words:  FREE.  LOUIS.  WILLIAMS!

Comeback Of The Night:

At halftime of Saturday’s Denver/Indiana game, with the Nuggets already down 18, it looked like the classic getaway game scenario.  Last game of a road trip on Saturday night?  Goodbye intensity, hello Rocky Mountain High.  This might be the kick start to their season, as they are now in the midst of a three game winning streak with an easy-ish schedule on the horizon.

Best Possible NFL Reception Of The Night:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YR4ochMslrE

No words needed.

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“The Jason Kidd and Vince Carter of this hip-hop”, Theory Hazit, Triple Double, Watts Happening

This track off of Ohmega Watts’ latest album, is on some straight vintage Pete Rock type ish.  So hot.

Sheed Being Sheed Of The Night:

http://www.need4sheed.com/video/sheed/pistons_jinglebells.html

Never too early to get into the holiday spirit, and who better to get you there than 4 NBA players doing horrid renditions of the Bankhead Bounce will singing Jingle Bells?  And does Amir Johnson really not know the words?

What do you get when you bio-engineer the genetic combination of Gerald Wallace and Shawn Marion?  The Crashtrix, of course… We were about to give Jameer Nelson some credit following his Friday night 20/10 performance, but then he dropped a 6 point dud against Phoenix, one of the easiest teams to score against in the league, on Saturday… C.E.O. vs. The Scientest Bet Challenge update:  Corey Maggette 77 field goal attempts, Tim Thomas 68.  Shoot it Tim!  Give ‘em the Yayo!…

Line Of The Night:

Sam Cassell — 35 points, 8 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals

Old man still got it. Maybe not for 82 games. Maybe not in back-to-backs. But one night? One game? He’ll put it on you. THE CLIPPERS JUGGERNAUT! 4-0! Headed into the Palace, where men are made.

Sam-I-Am got this opportunity due to recent Clippers’ starter Brevin Knight’s back injury. But perhaps more importantly, the fans were treated to the dynamic, exciting Travis Diener vs. Dan Dickau match-up! There hasn’t been this much floppy haired fun since the dog on Unhappilly Ever After!

Jason Kidd Of The Night:

LeBron James — 32 points, 15 boards, 13 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks

Sorry LeBron, we don’t know what to say. You go for a triple-double, you hit a clutch three… Well, actually we do know what to say: Step up in the lane and stop that Deron Williams drive! What were you thinking?

Beast Of The Night:

Chris Kaman — 22 boards, 15 points, 3 assists, 2 blocks, 1 steal

Think he’s figured it out? Through 4 games he’s averaging 16.5 Rodmans. And he dropped this gem on L.O.N.nie winner, Sammie Cassell:

“”He’s older than dirt, but he gets it done. He can still shoot the basketball.”

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Charlotte Bobcats, 63 points in a 31-point loss to Philly.

To Philly? They are right there contending for worst team in the league status, and you get blown out? The Bob Johnsons get a slight pass since Raymond Felton missed the game with a knee injury, but still… awful. And shouldn’t Philly deal Andre Miller? What’s he doing on that team? FREE LOUIS WILLIAMS!!!

Miami Heat, 78 points in a 10-point loss to San Anton.

The Heat are disgusting, currently ranking dead last in the Official L.O.N. League Pass rankings. The Ricky Davis factor has already worn off, Dorell Wright is far from the future, and Shaq just fouls or gets fouled, and no one wants to see him at the charity stripe. To make matters worse, Riles is basically TRYING to get his team on this list every night, as he’s confessed to trying to keep the score low and the game close. Gross.

SNL Skit Of The Night:

With the Boston Three Party, we mean the PGA Tour, oops, actually the GAP Band, or is it the Ceatles? Whatever… with Dem Boyz In Green laying a complete molly-whopper on the Nuggets — 77-38 at the half — we started thinking back to a classic late 80s/early 90s running Saturday Night Live skit. Ya’ll remember. It was a few fat Chicagoans sitting around talking, discussing potential fantasy match-ups. Da Bears vs. an all-time, all-pro team… DA BEARS!!! Da Bears vs. Godzilla, Mothra and King Kong… DA BEARS!!! Then when Mike started his reign, they’d get absolutely befuddled when faced with the prospect of 10 Ditkas vs. Mike on the court… who could win?

Well it’s time to bring it back. Pats vs. Celtics. Belichick vs. Garnett. It’ll be awesome. Trust us. Hell, throw the Sawx in there too. Big Papi vs. Tom Brady in the Boston Marathon? Paul Peezy vs. Rosevelt Colvin in a heads No Limit Texas Hold ‘Em Tourney? Who can call it? Just make the royalty check out to L.O.N…. thanks.

This Week In The League Pass Rankings Of The Night:

For all the haters out there, questioning the Sonics being so high on the Official L.O.N. League Pass Rankings… maybe ya’ll were just confused. This isn’t a power ranking, it’s a pure “want to watch factor”. We took a flier on them based solely on Kevin Durant. Turns out another Kevin, Kevin Calabro, is helping keep them in the mix. He’s a top-notch play-by-play guy, and then you throw Snapper Jones in as the color guy? It’s a wrap. There is one problem though. We’re not sure how much more of Earl Watson we can watch. Never thought we’d say this, but… FREE LUKE RIDNOUR!!!

Oh yeah, and remember how Damien Wilkins had the ball on a key possession Tuesday night? Well, P.J. must have made an emphatic point in the lockerroom following that one. Wednesday it was all Durant, all the time, in crunch time. It didn’t work — he shot 3-17 and the Sonics lost — but it’s clear he’s the man, and he wants the ball. For now, at least, he also doesn’t mind contact. He goes to the line and knocks ‘em down. 10-10 last night!

NBA-Tinged Lyric Of The Night:

“She say she got a man, but he ain’t worried/But baby I’m a have to Rob him like Horry”, Lil’ Wayne, “Hello Brooklyn”

“I’m so flossy, no 6’s on Sprees”, Jay-Z, “Ignorant Shit”

Jay-Z. American Gangster. Has there ever been a movie/soundtrack combo this hot?

As Ignorant As Kobe Of The Night:

Joe Johnson on the current Hawks situation:

“It’s just frustration,” Johnson said. “I just thought, when I came here, we were going to add pieces. I get that they really want to develop these young guys. I’m all for it, as long as they keep working hard and doing what they are supposed to do. (Wednesday night) was the prime example. They’re going to double me. Everybody knows it. My teammates know it. They have just got to be ready when the ball comes their way.”

Dude… you’re kidding right? You know how you could’ve avoided the double-teams? BY STAYING WITH PHOENIX AND CONTENDING FOR A TITLE EVERY YEAR. You chose the money. Deal with it.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Usually breakfast is served on the court, but in this case it was from behind a mic:

After rookie Joakim Noah made a remark that the Bulls were not in sync, coach Scott Skiles had this to say:

“If I had just played my first pro game, I’d probably keep my mouth shut, to be honest with you.”

BOOM SHAKA LAKA! CHICAGO GRITS IN YOUR MOUTH!

Shaqism Of The Night:

On his latest fashion statement, the rough looking beard he’s sporting:

“It’s my mountain-man look. Call me ‘The Big Rogue.’”

Josh Smith almost goes 5×5 again! This time only 1 dime and 1 theft short… Is Kyle Lowry R.O.Y. eligible? If so, watch out for this darkhorse campaign, once he inevitably becomes the starter in Memphis. Dude is nice… “Google Earth Nas, I got flats on other continents”…

Say it with us now… ’cause it just feels good… E-CITY!!!

Line Of The Night:

Peja Stojakovic — 36 points on 10-13 shooting from the Land Of 3, 5 boards, 1 block

Chris Paul — 21 assists, 19 points, 3 steals, 3 boards

10 3’s!?!?!?! 21 assists!?!??!?!

So during the FIBA tourney this summer, all anyone talked about was Kobe’s tremendous on-the-ball defense, right? So who exactly was he guarding in this one? Oh, perennial non-factor Mo Pete only had 7… must’ve been him.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Jason Kidd — 12 assists, 9 boards, 9 points, 3 steals, 1 block

Old man Kidd celebrated boss Jay-Z’s album release by doing what does every day. So maybe not much of a celebration… Check that American Gangster album… fire. Who knew Diddy would be so involved in production?

LeBron James — 24 points, 14 boards, 9 assists, 3 blocks

The 3 blocks were of the spectacular variety, and so was the non-block against Al Harrington (see below). Behind this effort, James and the Cavs kept the Warriors winless, at 0-4.

Eat Your Breakfast Of The Night:

Dear LeBron, I hope you enjoyed your meal. After sending your first two servers, Matt Barnes and Monta Ellis, away and refusing your breakfast, the third try should have hit the spot. Your hyphy chef, Al Harrington.

HAVE SOME OF THIS OAKTOWN OATMEAL BRON-BRON! WITH A LITTLE CINNAMON AND SUGAR! EAT YOUR BREAKFAST LEBRON!

P.S. LeBron, your friend Yao wants to talk to you about a nice Argentine breakfast he was served, cooked up by none other than Manu Ginobili. Call him up. Reminisce.

Not What Paxson Envisioned Of The Night:

And your pre-season favorites to win the East… the 0-4 Chicago Bulls! Can you say Kobe hangover? The Lakers are actually off to a hot start, but Kobe’s so good he just might find a way to destroy TWO teams in one season.

Zoolander Of The Night:

Wally Szczerbiak — 32 points, 2 boards, 12-16 from the field

Apparently, Damien Wilkins doesn’t look at the stat sheet. After blowing a double-digit halftime lead in the always rowdy Arco Arena, Seattle still had a chance in the final minutes. Wilkins received the ball on the wing, and clearly was supposed to bet the ball to Zoolander in the post. Nah… how about drive towards the lane, then spin back for the 17 foot fade-away? CLANK. Sonics lose.

Two years from now, Kevin Durant will rip the head off any player that tries something like that… or at least they’ll know better. For now, we hate to imagine the post-game venom that probably spewed from the mouth of P.J. towards Damien.

Puerto Rico, HOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Of The Night:

Carlos Arroyo — 18 points, 6 assists, 3 boards, 2 steals

With Jameer Nelson out with a slight concussion, Arroyo took the reigns, and took the win over the T-Wolves. FREE CARLOS ARROYO!!!

As Impeccable As A Charcoal Drawing Of The Night:

Desmond Mason — 21 points on 10-10 shooting.

Mason had it all going Tuesday night, hitting wild hook after fadeaway after leaner. It was contagious, as well, as the Bucks shot a super-hyphy 60.3% and rolled over the Raptors by 27.

So will Andris Biedrins be 42 with a gel spike? Other guys with “unique” haircuts usually change up, but he is showing about as much variety as John Stockton… Brevin Knight has some sort of Carlton from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” quality, to him… After a promising start for the Pacers, young Ike Diogu will miss 4-6 weeks with a torn calf muscle… Clippers dark horses in the West? 3-0…

Line Of The Night:

LeBron James — 45 points, 7 boards, 7 assists, 3 steals, 1 block

Must have been rocking Young Buck, ’cause he bounced back against the Knicks, after a horrid opening game.

Near Oscar Robertson Of The Night:

Baron Davis — 22 points, 11 assists, 8 boards, 1 steal

46 minutes in a loss to the Clip Joint.  Thought Nellie was limiting his time on the floor this year?

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Dirty Jers Nets 69 points vs. Toronto.

Apparently all of the members of the Nets (other Jeff Richardson, 27 points) forgot about the game and decided to attend the opening of hometown-based opus American Gangster.  Guess they figured that was a better way to please their boss, Jay-Z, who did the soundtrack.

Beast Of The Night:

Marcus Camby — 21 boards, 14 points, 6 blocks, 3 assists, 1 steal

Are the Nuggets the early number two in the power polls?  Are they the new Phoenix?  Will Camby win the rebounding title?

Kevin Garnett — 22 points, 20 boards, 5 assists, 3 steals, 3 blocks

The Kid says, “No, that is mine.”  And KG, how did those Carolina grits taste?  Brendan Haywood says:  EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The C’s were impressive in the debut of the Big 3, for sure.  And has Doc Rivers been talking to Belichick?  Already up twenty, late in the 4th, Paul Peezy was pounding it in to K.G.!  It was awesome though, with K.G. scoring and the crowd going nuts.

Rookie Of The Night:

Daequan Cook — 17 points, 5 boards, 3 assists, 2 steals

Cook got Penny’s burn from last night, and made the most of his time.  This may be short-lived success though, as D-Wade was cleared medically to play today.  Now at 0-2, the Heat need him desperately.

From Where?!?!???!! Of The Night:

Kelenna Azubuike — 33 points, 8 boards, 2 assists, 1 steal, 1 block

It’s bled over into the regular season, ya’ll.  Announcers everywhere are crying into their beers.

L.O.N. C.E.O. vs. The Resident Scientist Bet Challenge Of The Night:

With Elton Brand out, L.A. Clippers offensive alpha dog status is up for grabs.  A couple of L.O.N. employees put a little friendly wager on the situation.  The C.E.O. has Tim Thomas and the Resident Scientist has Maggette.  The bet?  Total field goal attempts for the season.

Maximus took the early lead Friday night, 12-9.

Is DeShawn Stevenson’s new beard a tattoo as well?… Ricky Davis with a career-high 14 boards.  Fantasy beast so far… Yi = Chinese for foul.  2 games, 35 minutes, 10 fouls!… Spurs ROLLING… American Gangster = great.  Who knew we’d like Russell Crowe so much in it?…

Seattle at home just skyrocketed up the L.O.N.O.L.P.R. (Line Of The Night Official League Pass Rankings)! SAVE OUR SONICS! Damien Wilkins from halfcourt! Start Kevin Durant at point guard! Luke Ridnour for mayor of West Seattle! Despite our pleas, Sonics owner Clay Bennett declared his intent to move the team, today. What a shame…

Line Of The Night:

Tracy McGrady — 47 points, 4 boards, 4 assists

Some teams would still be reeling from a home Game 7 loss suffered during the pre-season, but apparently not this Rockets team. Behind T-Mac’s monster game, they moved to 2-0 while exacting revenge on the Jazz.

Stepping It Up Of The Night:

Tayshaun Prince — 34 points, 12 boards, 1 steal, 1 assist

Lil’ Tay-Tay really stepped it up in Rip Hamilton’s absence. Rip missed the opener at Miami to attend to a family matter, and Prince took it upon himself to ensure victory. On the way to a career-high, he brought out the slammer-jammer several times, and even ran point for the second unit. Pippen-esque.

Worst Of The Night:

Tyler Ecker — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLEXBPwF9_g

Even after all these years, this is one of the most bone-headed plays of all-time. With the recent miraculous lateral kickoff return performed by Division III school Trinity, Michigan fans everywhere are thinking back to our own near-miracle. For those that can’t see it from the grainy film, Tyler Ecker, a TIGHT END, after a million laterals and tremendous effort by his teammates, decides to just run out of bounds instead of one last lateral to one of the greatest college return men of all-time, Steve Breaston!!!! Even if he had no clue anyone was there, you still have to just heave it over your head instead of running out-of-bounds. Maddening! Sickening! To make matters worse, Nebraska stole a bit of the shine of Michigan’s 1997 title, and this was to be a bit of a revenge game. Then it ends THAT way… gross. THROW THE BALL!!!!

Refreshing Or Stupid Of The Night:

New Timberwolve Al Jefferson signed a 5-year, $65 million extension on Wednesday, saying “I didn’t even think I was worth the max this year anyway.” This is a somewhat shocking turn of events given the current state of business in professional athletics. Set to have a huge year for his new team, he almost assuredly could have inked a max deal this upcoming off-season.

Charles Barkley tried to express his feelings about hot Kripsy Kreme doughnuts by comparing them to crack!… Shaq with the mountain man beard… Ricky being Ricky. In his debut with the Heat, Davis drops 23, same ish, different toilet… Marcus Banks, for 3!!!!!!!!

Line Of The Night:

Manu Ginobili — 30 points, 7 assists, 5 boards, 2 steals, 1 block

Spurs ain’t playing. Manu is rested, Tony is “still in the honeymoon stage” with Eva (her words), and Timmy is Timmy. Can they continue to do it as favorites, though?

Worst Of The Night:

L-Eezy can’t catch a break. His awful run of real life events continues, as last night Lamar Odom totaled his Benzo in a 2-car accident. Details are still sketchy, but it sounds like neither driver was seriously injured. Hold your head!

And this just in, his NBA situation isn’t much better. You may have noticed the Lakers are a mess.

Near Ice Cube Of The Night:

Jamaal Tinsley — 20 points, 9 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals

Apparently there is some weird love affair between Tinsley and new Pacers coach Jim O’Brien that had the point guard ecstatic when he heard who his new leader would be. Then again, a creative offensive player like the Abuser would probably be hyphy over ANY new coach after Jim Carrey, uh, Rick Carlisle.

The honeymoon continued last night, as Tinsley, with the help of Mike Dunleavy, led the Pacers, playing without both Jermaine O’Neal and Troy Murphy, to an unlikely OT win over Gilbert and the Wizards. Agent 0 had a nasty buzzer-beater to send it to free basketball, but had nothing in the extra period.

Jason Kidd — 13 assists, 8 boards, 7 points, 5 steals

Year after year after year after year after year after year… Nets beat Bulls in OT courtesy of the other Big 3.

Chris Paul — 22 points, 12 assists, 8 boards, 3 steals

The next Jason Kidd tears up the Bibby-less Kings… Hornets open up with a win in their first full season back in the N.O. The Kings need to do something about that starting lineup. Orien Greene, John Salmons, Kevin Martin, Kenny Thomas and Brad Miller is not going to get the job done. Not even corn-rowed Brad Miller.

Contraction Club Of The Night:

Cleveland Cavs 74 points vs. Dallas.

Somebody forgot to tell Danny Ferry… this ain’t a scene, it’s an arms race. Ya’ll fell behind this off season, or so says the conventional wisdom. And this opening night result.

Comeback Player Of The Night:

Bobby Simmons — 18 points, 3 boards, 2 assists

Peja Stojakovic — 19 points, 1 board, 1 steal

This is gonna be an all year battle. Peja has the higher profile, but seemingly, still the most re-injury risk. It’s on like Donkey Kong. It’s bigger than Dan vs. Dave!

Rookie Of The Night:

Kevin Durant — 18 points, 5 boards, 3 steals, 1 assist, 1 block

7-22 from the field! The young’n is not afraid to get it up there. After watching the game, we were most shocked to see he only had one assist. It seemed like he made a lot more plays than that.

Big Z with the baldy! Looking like one of the Greek’s goons from The Wire Season 2… Jay-Z’s court side guest for the home opener? Chris Rock… LeBron came to the arena costumed up as Business LeBron. He stepped on the court costumed up as a bad basketball player…