Thanks to all the readers who contributed questions. We couldn’t do it without you. Welcome to the 2007-2008 NBA season.
1) I’m almost afraid to ask based on past reactions associated with this issue, but… are the L.O.N. offices equipped with League Pass this year?HELL YEAH!!!! Finally!!!! This will be the first full L.O.N . season with League Pass since the Fat Boys broke up (well, not quite that long). Love it live. The NBA is fantastic. Where amazing happens. I love this game.
2) As we head into the season, what is the L.O.N. League Pass Team Ranking?
Official L.O.N. League Pass Pre-Season Top 10:#1 Celtics — K.G. and the Big Three… this is gonna be fun.
#2 G-State — If there’s any chance of Boom Dizzle showing us anything close to an encore of what he did to AK47 last year… we gotta see it. Plus, Brandan Wright flying around in this offense? Lil’ Monta? Stephen Jackson riding together?
#3 San Antonio — Where basketball and art come together.
#4 Denver — A.I., Melo, and a run-and-gun style.
#5 Seattle — L.O.N. hearts Kevin Durant.
#6 Phoenix — Just to say thanks. After all, Phoenix is almost entirely responsible for bringing back the up tempo style and killing the L.O.N. Contraction Club segments.
#7 Memphis — The new Phoenix? Perhaps the funnest team to watch that people don’t realize yet. A run-and-gun style with a million talented point guards, wings specializing in breakfast preparation, and the most entertaining 3-point bomber in the L (one love to Mike Miller).
#8 Charlotte — Crash? J-Rich? FELTON!??!!
#9 Minnesota — There’s just something about a collection of completely unknown, young talent… they narrowly beat out Portland for this slot.
#10 Dirty Jers — OH THE VINSANITY!!!!!Can LeBron get a new offense or teammates or something? There is no excuse for him not being on this list.
This list is subject to rapid change. Don’t underestimate the impact the hometown announcers have. Just like the smallest hair in your tortilla soup, one awful play-by-play guy (can you say Joel Meyers?) can ruin the whole experience.
3) Who is going to be the worst team to watch this year, besides the Spurs?
Hater in the house! This must have come from a Pistons fan…Bottom Four:
#1 Chicago — The denim shirt of the NBA — effective but hideous.
#2 Orlando — If we never see J.J. Redick again, it will be too soon.
#3 LA Lakers — Two words: Joel Meyers. And L.O.N. doesn’t exactly love Mr. Cryant. Sorry, L-Eezy.
#4 Indiana — We GUARANTEE Jim O’Brien was not hired to boost ratings.
4) Who will be the worst team in the league this year?
Here are the probably contenders: Sacramento, LA Clippers, Portland, Indiana, Lakers, Milwaukee (The Yi Guarantee factor doesn’t help), and Philly. We predict Philly. They are stuck with an in-between roster (a mix of too-young talent and solid vets) that won’t have a real identity. And while we love him, Mo Cheeks hasn’t exactly earned a reputation for squeezing extra wins out of his teams.
5) What is going on in Cleveland?Maybe a little xenophobia? Danny Ferry is not handing out contracts to non-Americans. Anderson Varejao and Sasha Pavlovic have been left high-and-dry this off-season, and are STILL unsigned as we write this. They are stuck in restricted free agency limbo where even if they reached an agreement with another squad, Cleveland can match. They way this whole situation has gone down has been interesting, as there is a bit of mystery to it. You’d think some sort of statement or news report about this situation would have come out. Are they just being cheap? Is LeBron happy or pissed about the further lack of a supporting cast? Is Boobie Gibson this generation’s B.J. Armstrong?
Conventional wisdom says this team is taking 1 step backwards this year in order to eventually take 2 steps forward. But that would be doubting LeBron… something that usually isn’t a good idea.
***THIS JUST IN — Sasha Pavlovic signs 3-year deal shortly before the season is set to kickoff. So ignore about half of what you just read…
6) Can LeBron top last year’s performances in “The LeBrons” commercials, despite his terrible SNL performance?
Even without the SNL travesty, it would be hard to top those joints. They were classics, but we think he has it in him. We’re going to chalk SNL up to bad writing and completely forget about it. Kanye stole the glory on that show, for sure.
“I got Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise on it, Wise LeBron”
7) How is Ernie Johnson doing?Good ol’ E.J. seems to be a-o-k, following his bout with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He’s been back in full-swing manning his post at various golf and baseball events, and is set to begin his host/referee post on TNT’s top-notch “Inside The NBA”.
What can we expect from the Chuckster this year?If ya’ll heard his recent ESPN podcast with the Sports Guy, we just hopes he gets off that lean, that syrup, that promethazine! He sounded completely out of it on that show. Kenny and EJ will mos def have him riled up when it’s showtime, though.
9) How will the big three fare in Boston? Who will emerge as the leader?
For the leadership aspect, ESPN’s The Sports Guy sums it up best:
“KG is so intense, NBA TV should have a reality show just so we could see him doing everyday things like buying clothes or pumping gas. A friend of mine watched a Pats game in the same suite as KG and reported that Garnett got so wound up during the games he’d stand up every time Randy Moss was being single covered and start muttering, “Here we go … here we go …”. Multiple people have described being in the same room with him when he gets like that as ‘being in the same room with a force of nature.’ “.
So regardless of what else happens, the C’s emotional leader is KG.
Overall, it may take them a little time to get on the same page and establish a rotation, but this team will be good and should challenge for the Eastern Conference title. It’s a simple equation — you give KG talent around him, he wins.
10) Is this the year for the Pistons?
The delusional Mailroom Supervisor would tell you they are in a middle of a 4-peat that will continue on to a thumb ring this year. That is why she is still only in charge of the mailroom! The Pistons’ year was 2004… hope you enjoyed it.
11) Can the Pistons continue their run of success despite Joe D making virtually no off-season moves?
Is this the same reader? No off-season moves? What do you want him to do, blow up his roster for Kobe? Joe D replenished his depth by adding young, talented backcourt players in Arron Afflalo and Ronald Stuckey, and made a solid signing in Jarvis Hayes. Then there is the improvement from within. By cutting loose Webber (at least for now), Jason Maxiell will be unleashed on the world, and Antonio McDyess — who arguably outplayed Webber last year — will see more time. Finally there’s the X-Factor: Amir Johnson. Dumars declared him untouchable at one point last year, and this may be the season he joins the rotation.
12) What did Stephon Marbury do this summer?
Starbury was everywhere, doing everything, speaking on every topic. He waxed poetic on retiring as a Knick, leaving the L and going to play in Italy ala David Beckham, defending Michael Vick’s dogfighting past, and dropped this gem about his newfound faith:“I’m a born-again Christian. I’ve been reborn. I’ve awakened from the dead. My body and my mind were asleep. I was sleepwalking. I basically was laying in a coffin dead. Then when I became reborn, I was able to open my eyes and see myself.”
This news of a change in faith came just weeks after Starbury “starred” in perhaps the biggest real life soap opera of the summer — the Isiah Thomas/Madison Square Garden/Anucha Browne-Sanders sexual harassment trial. The highlights of Starbury’s testimony centered around activities between the point guard and a Garden intern, in a car, outside a strip club!
So, what didn’t he do? And we haven’t even started making jokes yet!
13) How many cheeseburgers do Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph eat as a pre-game meal?
As a quirky, superstitious pre-game ritual type thing, they each eat their jersey number in cheeseburgers. That’s 34 for E-City and 50 Z-Bo!!!!!
14) What’s going on in Miami? How will Shaq’s divorce affect his play?
We’ll let Shaq tell you: Big Shaq Daddy had this to say about the absence of this P-N-C, Flash:
“As a tamed tiger now, you always go back to what you know, ala Siegfried and Roy. I’ve been tame the last couple years, but here’s a chance for me to go wild again. It’s nothing new for me. Any time I get more shots, more touches, I’m all for it.”
Oh, he’s talking about on the court… at first we thought he was talking about the divorce!
15) In how many games will we see both D-Wade and Shaq this year?
All 82. Most of the time though, one will be stylin’ and profilin’ from the bench in a nice suit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Real answer? Let’s see… 82 divided by 19… carry the 3… minus 15… plus an additional 23 to the .6 power… 47+playoffs-2.
16) Do you see any potential quality NBA-based reality shows? 5 words: Ricky. Davis. On. South. Beach.
17) Should Gilbert Arenas really be playing Halo 3 all night?
Gilbert claims to play this game up to 14 hours a day! If that’s even close to true… wow. Where does he find time to, you know, play basketball? More importantly, is that cutting into his blog time? If so, that XBOX 360 needs to be destroyed, because we need more quotes like this one:“Back in the day when I would day dream I thought that if I could score 100 points against any team it would be the Boston Celtics. Now, I knew it would never happen, but if I could do one thing in the NBA it would be to score 100 against Boston. So anyway, since everybody is back on the Boston bandwagon it brought back old memories. So listen here. On November 2nd, we’re going to go into that building, we’re opening up Boston. Right now I’m telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It’s not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn’t winning in Boston for the season opener. I’m sorry.”
18) What can we expect from Jeffrey Jordan? Is he going to enter the NBA early and get special permission to based on his name?
We have to admit… there were goosebumps in the L.O.N. offices as he was interviewed on the sideline of the recent Michigan/Illinois football game. We gotta take this slow though. Despite his 46!!!! inch vertical, Jeffrey is merely a walk-in with less than world beater expectations. But we’re guessing he might AT LEAST get a look on the summer team of a certain NBA team located in a certain southern city…
19) Has Michael Jordan finally worked his magic and put a playoff contender together in Charlotte?Playoff contender is such a strong term… If they had not lost offensive naturals Sean May and Adam Morrison for the year, they might be close, but instead they are probably one more year away. The good news is they are finally past the Brevin Knight Era and this become Raymond Felton’s team. That’s ballerific. These young’ns still need to learn how to win (maybe J-Rich helps a little with that?) and rebuild the bench destroyed by injury. And the jury is out on brand new coach Sam Vincent.
20) Boston, Cleveland, Detroit, or Miami?
This reader had one glaring omission: The Chi. But while they are a fo’ sho’ contender in the current form, it looks like the Kobe Bryant fiasco will play a big part in Chicago like Queen Latifah. Depending on what they give up, that may or may not be a good thing. And the Skiles/Cryant relationship seems like it’s already on thin ice.
One other omission — the T-Dot-O. Sleep on Toronto if you want, but they made their splash last year, and an improved Il Mago will result in an improved team from top to bottom. Never count out the slick-dressed Sam Mitchell.
But to answer the question… Boston.
21) This one is for the totally cool Mailroom Supervisor. Who are the leading Heartthrobs heading into the season? The MRSV’s Official H.O.N. Top 9:
#1 Gilbert Arenas — Leading vote-getter. Keep up the good looks.
#2 Joaquim Noah — We’re looking for some more crazy celebration moves from him.
#3 Dwyane Wade — Still looking good in the T-Mobile commercials.
#4 Amare Stoudemire — Hot.
#5 Tony Parker — It’s so cute the way he says Timmy.
#6 Lebron James — On this list despite his nail biting issues.
#7 RIP — Gotta protect that nose.
#8 Vince Carter — Slammer jammer!
#9 Melo — The potential is there… but we need a makeover.
22) Any new tattoos/haircuts/looks in the offseason?
New tattoos abound, and Stephen Jackson easily wins the best new addition award. Praying hands holding a gun in a church? That’s thug genius.Robert Swift, the 21 y/o potential starting center for the Sonics, is trying to bring that Cherokee Parks feel back to the league with his new look .
Then you have DeShawn Stevenson emblazoning his own last name across his back, and Al Harrington getting a ginormous self-portrait on his back (no publicly available picture… but, um, we can guess what it looks like). Huh? Supposedly Stevenson is planning to complete the design with a large #2, his jersey number. Think he’ll pay top dollar for a specific number if (when) he ever gets traded?
In hair and other style news, Brad Miller had cornrows for at least one pre-season game, Drew Gooden cut the ducktail, Ben Wallace is allowed to wear the headband (ending the stupidest controversy ehhhhhh-vurrrrrrr). The Atlanta Hawks have new uniforms, logos, and color scheme, including navy blue! There should be a rule against introducing completely new colors that have nothing to do with your current shades. And are they trying to slowly morph into the Bobcats? Is this another Bob Johnson corporate takeover?
Philly made small tweaks, but kept the same principles. Washington made the oh-so-subtle trim change from bronze to gold. The Pacers are using a new all-gold road alternate, thankfully minus the pinstripes.
23) Will Steve Nash continue to break the dress code? And FLAUNT it? Stern lives by one rule… if it ain’t white, it ain’t right! Just kidding… but if players in the league can’t dress “hip-hop”, then they should not be allowed to dress “hipster” either. MVP or not.
And now… this small commercial break, courtesy of the L.O.N. Unpaid Intern: *** DISCLAIMER *** The views expressed by the Unpaid Intern do not necessarily reflect those of L.O.N. But then again, maybe the do…
24) Predict one crazy thing you can expect from Mark Cuban.
Other than appearing in sleeveless shirt after sleeveless shirt on Dancing With The Stars? You cannot expect Mark Cuban to do one crazy thing. You can expect him to do many:
– Purchase the Cubs, bring in A-Rod and go to the World Series.
– Invent an elevator that goes to the moon.
– Purchase the White Sox, give Ozzie Guillen his own one hour television show on HBO and take them to the World Series, where they will play the Cubs to a 3-3 series draw, at which time both teams agree to share the title and Chicago rejoices and names Mark Cuban the mayor.
– Hire Vegas pit-bosses to watch NBA refs for signs of cheating.
– Hire Vegas mafia-types to break the fingers and legs of refs thought to be cheating the Mavs.
– Invent a new internet that doesn’t require electricity, computers or information.
– And despite him repeatedly defending his big folding German, he will trade him for Kobe Bryant, who comes through in the clutch and leads the Mavs an NBA title.
Editor’s Note: In retrospect, HOW IN THE HELL DID BIG DIRK LIKE WHAT WIN THE MVP?!?!??!?!?!!! A disgrace and a sham. That’s a fugazi award… just ask Tim Thomas.25) Will the NBA ever be the same after the referee game fixing scandal? Or has everyone forgotten about that already?
No. The NBA will not be the same. It will be better. You see, it’s not that the good of the game that will suffer from the extra attention that will likely be paid to its officials. Many have speculated the NBA has been fixing games to get teams that have the biggest following into the playoffs; to have seven game series, etc; Resulting in better rankings, more worldwide exposure and more…MONEY. This suspicion was summed up by Detroit’s Rasheed Wallace when he broke down last year’s Pistons-Cavs series.
“I still don’t think they (Cavaliers) beat us, we beat ourselves. And I think we also fell victim to that personal NBA thing where they are trying to make it a world game and get (television) ratings. They wanted to put their darling in there (the NBA Finals) and they did, and look what ended up happening.”
“This game ain’t basketball anymore, it’s entertainment,” Wallace said. “It’s starting to get like the WWF.”
Not so fast my friend. Now that the whistle has been blown on refs fixing games, we might see better officiating. Because now no one will be able to fix games, not even David Stern. And that has the little fellow hopping mad.
Editor’s Note: You know when it started to be like the WWF? When Roscoe gave championship WRESTLING belts to his fellow Pistons after they won the chip!
Back to our regularly scheduled program…
26) How bad are the Clippers going to be with everyone hurt?
Best case scenario: Everyone rallies, Corey Maggette, Tim Thomas and Al Thornton figure out a way to play together and thrive, Chris Kaman has a career year, Sam-I-Am stays healthy and plays like he did two years ago, Elton Brand comes back in full-form in early February and these guys challenge for the 8th spot in the West.
Worst case scenario: Sam Cassell openly dogs it and sits out most games, publicly declaring his wishes to be cut so he can sign with a contender <cough>Boston!</cough>. Elton Brand misses the entire season. Corey Maggette and Tim Thomas publicly announce a $100k bet on who can attempt the most field goals this season, and to make it somewhat entertaining for the fans, they hold three-point, Around The World, and H.O.R.S.E. contests DURING THE GAMES. Brevin Knight is showered with bribes from each player. Clippers win 11 games.
27) Will we see Brand this year? Will we ever see Shaun Livingston again?
Brand will be fine. He might not even need an Achilles… just take it out and leave it sitting in the Hollywood Hills by an infinity pool. He could average a double-double with prosthetic legs cut from old telephone poles.
As for Livingston, yikes… that’s not supposed to happen to an animate object. Barring further advancements in alien-limb-replacement program run by the L.O.N. Revolutionaries head trainer, it’s gonna be tough. It seems like he’s working hard to get back, but that’s a crazy injury to comeback from. We wish him the best.
28) Will Dirk continue to fold like a lawn chair when it counts?
You mean fold like fresh laundry? Fold like Phil Hellmuth? Are you talking about folding like origami? Like a paper airplane? So you’re saying fold up like a card table? Fold like a road map? Fold like the XFL?
Yes.
29) Is this Darko’s year? Yes, it is.
Well there you have it.
30) Stephen Jackson as team captain? Really?
Stephen Jackson is the heart and soul of this Golden State team. He is the type of guy that is the ultimate teammate on the court. Just flashback to when he exclaimed “We ride together!” during the infamous Malice At The Palace. Sure, he may be stark raving mad lunatic, but what type of personality would you rather have in Nellie’s frenetic offense? As long as Golden State’s team captain isn’t in charge of planning off-the-court team get-togethers, this makes a lot of sense.
31) Is Golden State gonna feed off of last season’s Playoff run, and stomp people this year?
They lack a certain “sanity amidst chaos” that Phoenix has (or maybe it’s just Nash/Amare/The Matrix that they lack), that will probably prevent them from being a real contender. But another Playoff run? Why not? One thing is official like a referee with a whistle: it WILL be a fun and entertaining ride.
32) Will the Trailblazer’s enthusiasm wane after losing Oden for the year, or will their core of young players still show they’re going to be winners?
They definitely won’t win this year, but with a good coach in Nate McMillan and a very nice group of youngsters in LaMarcus Aldridge, Channing Frye, Martell Webster, Jarrett Jack and Travis Outlaw, things are looking up. After pledging to do so years ago, management has FINALLY cleaned house of all the “bad character” guys, and have managed to build a strong base in doing so. This used to be one of the greatest fan bases in the League, with a super-hyphy arena. Now that environment could be back soon.
33, 34, 35, 36 and 37) I though Kobe was leaving, what happened? What the #$&% is wrong with Kobe? Does he really have any legitimate reasons to be such a cry baby? Can we get a LeBron for Kobe trade? Will Kobe ever be happy again in LA? Will the Lakers make any moves to really improve the team?
No comment. Don’t want to hear about it, see it, smell it, touch it or even taste it till it’s done. PLEASE GET THIS STUPID TRADE DONE!
We’d almost rather talk about steroids.
38) Will the aging Spurs ever stop winning?
Aging? Really? Tim Duncan and Manu are still in their primes, while Tony Parker, at 25, hasn’t even reached his! The core is still there, but we do admit the role players are definitely aging… Bruce Bowen, Michael Finley and Robert Horry can still remember the two-handed set shot. Either way, they are the championship favorites, hands down. Watch out for Darius Washington…
39) Are we finally seeing the balance of power even out between the East and West?
It is definitely looking that way, despite the Lottery results that sent the top prospects out West. We’ll still take the West 1-8, but the East is no longer the whipping boy it used to be. If Mr. Cryant is shipped to the other side of the Mississippi, it will even things up even more.
40) Which league would you rather commish right now? NFL? MLB? NBA? NHL? MLS?
UFC not an option? Do they have a commish? It’s all about that cheddar cheese and front row seats. NFL might give the most oaxacan, but the NBA gives the best seats… and we actually have opinions on the NBA issues… so NBA. Our first act? Hire David Stern to do all the work.
41) Allan Houston? Really?
Old jump-shooters never die. Dell Curry and Glen Rice could probably still out shoot 90% of the league. The problem? Old knees do die. Unlike Reggie Miller, who threw the towel in at the early stages of his comeback attempt, Houston is still lingering, but odds are he stays right there in that ESPN studio.
42) How consistent do you see Al Horford being this year? Can you see him winning ROY over Durant or is Durant going to run away with it? Any other sleepers?
It will probably take a little time for Horford. He has no veteran presence, no proven point guard, and he’s on a team that completely lacks an identity. And we haven’t even mentioned the million or so forwards on the Hawks roster. Once he figures things out, he’ll be well behind Kevin Durant in the ROY race. The two main sleepers we see are Corey Brewer and Al Thornton. Both showed flashes of NBA-readiness in the pre-season, and both are in situations that should guarantee them a lot of minutes.
43) What’s the over/under on Kevin Durant’s FG% this season? You don’t think he could shoot less than 30% do you?
40%. He’s just too good to shoot below 30%… his shot is nice. He’ll just probably be forced to take too many bad ones on that Sonics team.
44) Who is injured coming into the season?
Seems like mostly only secondary types are out to start this year, with a lot of hand injuries and sprained ankles going around. Here’s the rundown: Chucky Atkins out 6-8 weeks, marking the 502nd straight year the Nuggets start the season with a question mark at shooting guard… Mike Bibby, thumb, 10-12 weeks as mentioned in the “worst team in the league” segment… D-Wade out till late November… Spencer Hawes, knee surgery out till December… Lamar Odom out up to 2 weeks following off-season shoulder surgery… Kevin Durant questionable early with a sprained ankle, but nothing serious… Marcus Williams, foot surgery, 2 months, and the combined age of the remaining two (Jason Kidd and Darrell Armstrong) Dirty Jerse point guards is 70+!!!… Detroit rookie Rodney Stuckey, hand surgery, out 6 weeks… Joakim Noah and David West out for a few days with ankle sprains…
The biggies? Greg Oden and Sean May down for the year to microfracture surgery, Adam Morrison gone with a torn ACL, and Etan Thomas sitting following heart surgery.
Suspensions also abound: Ron Artest suspended 7 games, subject to appeal, after pleading no-contest to a domestic violence charge in May… Stephen Jackson with a similar 7 spot due to a criminal recklessness charge… James Posey to miss 1 game, pending appeal, for the C’s after pleading no contest to a reckless driving charge. The best part about this one? He wasn’t driving! He was walking in a club parking lot at the time of the incident!… Josh Howard to miss the Mavs first 2 games after his pre-season attack on Brad Miller… Shawne Williams (who had a big pre-season, scoring-wise) will miss 3 games after a weed possession issue… And last but not least, J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets will serve a 3 game suspension handed down by his own team, for conduct detrimental to the team.
Isn’t this a PR nightmare? Hey everybody, it’s a great new season! Look at all these suspended players! They need to figure out a better way to handle this… a staggered suspension start, or something.
And now, onto the main event… enjoy the season.
